Resolutions. The way I break down that word is re- solution. Find a "new" solution. I must find a new solution. A new way. A new road to dealing with things. With myself, with chaos, with problems, with my boyfriend, with my life. All the time. Every second of every day.
On New Year's Day around the world people look for ways to improve their lives. Ways to solve things. To start new. I have never been big on making resolutions because I don't like to start things I can't finish. I don't like to make promises I can't keep. This year, I'm making some realistic improvements instead.
I am going to try to write real actual letters to my kids more often. I'm aiming for twice a month with that moving to once per week.
I am going to try to not freak out when I have horrible PMS.
I will try to get along better with my boyfriend without naming names or placing blame or taking things too personally.
I will try to be less defensive in all of my endeavors. Not everything is about me, as much as I sometimes wish it was... in good and bad ways.
I will try to be a better listener so I can interrupt less.
I will try to be comfortable with this body I am in. It has done me good so far. I will try to not care if I am not the same size as I once was, because truly I realize it doesn't matter as long as I am eating good foods and not filling myself with junkfood.
I will try to control my emotions in a fashion that I never have tried before: I will ask for help. I will try to not be so quick to anger or defensiveness. I will show more love so I can receive more love. I will say I'm sorry first.
I will try to feel less guilty about little things that are stupid in the long run and don't even really matter. I will be a better friend and reach out first, then I will feel less lonely. I will close myself off and say no when it is necessary without feeling guilty about it.
I will try to worry less about the future. I will try to be thankful for the here and now, even when it seems nothing special or exciting is happening. I will try to find beauty in the mundane.
I will be more thankful. I will show that thankfulness. I will say I love you and mean it EVERY DAY. I will spend more quality time with my family.
Happy New Year. 2011 bring it on!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friendship/Motherhood/Love
I've begun to realize that friendship is not what I thought it would be at this age. I know age really doesn't have a lot to do with it. What I mean is, I guess in my earlier years, when I thought of being 32 and having friends, I thought it would be different. It IS different for me and has been since I was in my younger 20s. This is because I had babies at quite a young age (22 and 24) and subsequently spent most of my young 20s as a "stay at home mom" while all my other friends my own age were out partying. That was weird. All the friends I had at the time, who were having babies of their own, were older than me. And now, all those friends who couldn't find time to hang out with me are having babies of their own.... it's a weird thought y'know?
Being here, without my kids living with me, has been... weird to say the least. A lot of people here have never even MET my kids. They often forget I am a mother. I realize I am not the mother I set out to be, by any means, but I did the best for MYSELF at the time. I don't regret my decision for my kids to not live with me, after all it was MY decision. No one forced it on me, circumstances were such that THIS is what happened.
Anyway, back to the friend thing. I've found that a lot of my close friends are the ones I haven't necessarily talked to a lot in the past but that I talk to now, and those who listen to me about my life, and help me out with my problems. They listen to me when I vent. They answer e-mails I send in panicked moods without judging. They pick me up and drive me around to get one item from the library because I'm immobile right now. They listen to me rant and cry even though it feels like they've just met me. And still OTHER friends I have whose friendship is so strong that while I may rarely talk to these people when we do speak, it is like no time at all has passed. I love that.
There are a few friends who live close by that I don't see as often as I'd like sheerly because traffic is a bitch to get through and both parties see this as a barrier. That makes me really sad, but I understand not wanting to make the effort. OK actually, no I don't understand that, but I am trying to get it. People have other things to do, lives to lead, and not enough time. That's how it is. I may not like it, but it is what it is. I miss those friends something fierce, and I need to just make time to see them since I have a feeling me going there would be easier than them coming here. I will have to work on that.
Reflecting on the past year of living in Seattle has been emotional for me to say the least. It seems unreal, still, being here at all. Not waking up and seeing the brown mountains and blue skies of K. Falls has been exactly what I wanted when I left. I miss my friends there and I am glad we have stayed in touch. I was really scared when I left that maybe I'd just disappear from their minds. I didn't, obviously. Nor did they disappear from my own.
The friends I have met here I know will be ones I will keep for years to come. (And another awesome thing is I have a friend here that I knew in K. Falls, and now we live in the same town again.) These friends- at least most of them- are also mothers. That makes me happy. We have a common bond. Even though my kids don't live with me, it doesn't mean anything less than their kids living with them. I AM just as good as any other mother could be, maybe even better.
Those same friends have accepted me into their life with no holds barred, no questions asked... just pure love. What I wanted from Seattle- when I came here- was to be with my boyfriend. That was my only expectation. To have someone to love, someone to love me back. And now we're spending our lives together.
We fight. We fight more often than we'd both like. We fight more than is necessary. We realize the stem of these fights is from our current living situation which is very less than ideal, especially for me. Of course we fight. (I don't think I know how to have a relationship where fighting is not a core part of it.) But the difference this time, the key difference in fighting is that we don't break up. We get through it, we move on and the next day comes. I don't know how that is possible. My b.f. says "I'm not perfect. No one is." and it makes it hard to examine what is wrong with "us". It is hard to examine what is wrong with me, the things he does not like about me, and the things I don't like about him. But when I look at them, they're not that bad. That is what my b.f. said too. I asked him recently how we can stay together when there are things we absolutely can't stand about the other one. He told me those things don't matter really in the scheme of things; they're just nuances. Basically, they exist, but so what? We don't dwell on them. And while they come up once in a while, and they will always come up, we get past it and hopefully we always will get past it. Why? Because ultimately we love each other to get through it and at the end of the day we are together. I am here for him, literally in a new place, and he is here for me literally in a new emotional place he's never known before.
My life, this year, has been so much more than I could have asked for. I hope it doesn't end yet, I'm not ready. I'm only beginning.
Being here, without my kids living with me, has been... weird to say the least. A lot of people here have never even MET my kids. They often forget I am a mother. I realize I am not the mother I set out to be, by any means, but I did the best for MYSELF at the time. I don't regret my decision for my kids to not live with me, after all it was MY decision. No one forced it on me, circumstances were such that THIS is what happened.
Anyway, back to the friend thing. I've found that a lot of my close friends are the ones I haven't necessarily talked to a lot in the past but that I talk to now, and those who listen to me about my life, and help me out with my problems. They listen to me when I vent. They answer e-mails I send in panicked moods without judging. They pick me up and drive me around to get one item from the library because I'm immobile right now. They listen to me rant and cry even though it feels like they've just met me. And still OTHER friends I have whose friendship is so strong that while I may rarely talk to these people when we do speak, it is like no time at all has passed. I love that.
There are a few friends who live close by that I don't see as often as I'd like sheerly because traffic is a bitch to get through and both parties see this as a barrier. That makes me really sad, but I understand not wanting to make the effort. OK actually, no I don't understand that, but I am trying to get it. People have other things to do, lives to lead, and not enough time. That's how it is. I may not like it, but it is what it is. I miss those friends something fierce, and I need to just make time to see them since I have a feeling me going there would be easier than them coming here. I will have to work on that.
Reflecting on the past year of living in Seattle has been emotional for me to say the least. It seems unreal, still, being here at all. Not waking up and seeing the brown mountains and blue skies of K. Falls has been exactly what I wanted when I left. I miss my friends there and I am glad we have stayed in touch. I was really scared when I left that maybe I'd just disappear from their minds. I didn't, obviously. Nor did they disappear from my own.
The friends I have met here I know will be ones I will keep for years to come. (And another awesome thing is I have a friend here that I knew in K. Falls, and now we live in the same town again.) These friends- at least most of them- are also mothers. That makes me happy. We have a common bond. Even though my kids don't live with me, it doesn't mean anything less than their kids living with them. I AM just as good as any other mother could be, maybe even better.
Those same friends have accepted me into their life with no holds barred, no questions asked... just pure love. What I wanted from Seattle- when I came here- was to be with my boyfriend. That was my only expectation. To have someone to love, someone to love me back. And now we're spending our lives together.
We fight. We fight more often than we'd both like. We fight more than is necessary. We realize the stem of these fights is from our current living situation which is very less than ideal, especially for me. Of course we fight. (I don't think I know how to have a relationship where fighting is not a core part of it.) But the difference this time, the key difference in fighting is that we don't break up. We get through it, we move on and the next day comes. I don't know how that is possible. My b.f. says "I'm not perfect. No one is." and it makes it hard to examine what is wrong with "us". It is hard to examine what is wrong with me, the things he does not like about me, and the things I don't like about him. But when I look at them, they're not that bad. That is what my b.f. said too. I asked him recently how we can stay together when there are things we absolutely can't stand about the other one. He told me those things don't matter really in the scheme of things; they're just nuances. Basically, they exist, but so what? We don't dwell on them. And while they come up once in a while, and they will always come up, we get past it and hopefully we always will get past it. Why? Because ultimately we love each other to get through it and at the end of the day we are together. I am here for him, literally in a new place, and he is here for me literally in a new emotional place he's never known before.
My life, this year, has been so much more than I could have asked for. I hope it doesn't end yet, I'm not ready. I'm only beginning.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Crutches Smutches
Let me first say this: I am not known for my grace or stature. I am clumsy. I have literally fallen over my own two feet. Once, when I was 12, I broke both of my wrists AT THE SAME TIME by jumping off of a stage at my church. I had to wear two casts. My mom had to help me shower, write, eat, go to bed, etc. (As if being 12 isn't awkward enough.)
Many times have I just been walking down a driveway and twisted my ankles, enough to the point where I say "OUCH" Then in about 5 minutes after walking, my ankle is still sore, but it gets better.
The most recent time this happened was in May. It was really early in the morning and I was just walking down the street on the way to my car, and my ankle twisted enough that I fell down. I got back up immediately and went on my way, and my ankle felt fine that day.
Well, here I am last week, on Friday, just minding my own business. I was on my way out of the R.V. to go wash a few dishes. With dishes in hand I made my way down the four steps to the ground. All I remember is it went like this: step, step, ste... CRAAASH. Down I fell to the ground, twisting my right ankle and landing on my left side. The dishes fell (nothing broke oddly enough) and made a loud clatter. I immediately began swearing every curse word I knew. VERY LOUDLY. Followed by crying. I layed there on the ground in more pain than I'd ever felt in my entire life (not counting childbirth). I wondered what I would do, how would I get into the house? So after about 10 minutes of crying and not being able to move, I hopped with my left leg up 2 steps and into the house. Shortly after that, my pseudo-brother-in-law came home and was able to call my boyfriend's mom who came to pick me up.
She took me into the nearest walk in clinic where I saw a doctor. He took a look at my ankle and made me get X-rays in which they deduced it is not broken! PHEW!
It IS a "severe sprain" To read more about that click HERE:
http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00150
This means I have torn the ligaments in my ankle. And I am immobile. WTF. This includes 3 phases of resting, the first phase takes one whole week! The second phase takes another two weeks, and the third phase is where I am supposed to return to normal activities slowly. ARRRRGH! I never have had such an injury before and I keep expecting it to just feel better. I keep expecting that maybe I will just be able to walk on it. Last night I attempted to take one step, and as soon as I put both feet on the ground, and moved my right foot it was excruiating pain. I won't be doing that again; I know it was stupid.
I am using crutches and have to keep my ankle in an air-splint.
Anyway, I have never felt so helpless in my life. Now, instead of my mom helping, it's my boyfriend with the brunt of the work. I have to have him help me get things from up high, help me shower, cook my meals (I can't stand up by any means without crutches). So, that's been pretty fun. (At least the showering part. Hahahahah!... I mean really, I can't complain about a hot guy slathering me with soap while holding me up, can I?) Now I am laying in bed, probably for at least until Friday and then I get to start trying to flex my ankle, foot, and leg again. Gooood times!
Coincidentally, or not, I had a UTI at the time of the sprain, so I was able to get some antibiotics for that, which helps. The doctor prescribed me some pain medication, which makes me really itchy and semi-naseous. I suppose it's better than being in constant pain.
In the past, I've never thought that a sprained ankle could do so much damage. I was wrong. Lesson learned. Times like this make me thankful I do not have a job or anywhere to go today because otherwise I'd be screwed. If anyone would like to deliver me candy, food, some lotion, or a drink, I'd be happy. I won't say no!
Anyway, I guess from now on I will pay attention to what I'm doing while I'm walking. Every second counts.
OUUUUCHHHH.
Many times have I just been walking down a driveway and twisted my ankles, enough to the point where I say "OUCH" Then in about 5 minutes after walking, my ankle is still sore, but it gets better.
The most recent time this happened was in May. It was really early in the morning and I was just walking down the street on the way to my car, and my ankle twisted enough that I fell down. I got back up immediately and went on my way, and my ankle felt fine that day.
Well, here I am last week, on Friday, just minding my own business. I was on my way out of the R.V. to go wash a few dishes. With dishes in hand I made my way down the four steps to the ground. All I remember is it went like this: step, step, ste... CRAAASH. Down I fell to the ground, twisting my right ankle and landing on my left side. The dishes fell (nothing broke oddly enough) and made a loud clatter. I immediately began swearing every curse word I knew. VERY LOUDLY. Followed by crying. I layed there on the ground in more pain than I'd ever felt in my entire life (not counting childbirth). I wondered what I would do, how would I get into the house? So after about 10 minutes of crying and not being able to move, I hopped with my left leg up 2 steps and into the house. Shortly after that, my pseudo-brother-in-law came home and was able to call my boyfriend's mom who came to pick me up.
She took me into the nearest walk in clinic where I saw a doctor. He took a look at my ankle and made me get X-rays in which they deduced it is not broken! PHEW!
It IS a "severe sprain" To read more about that click HERE:
http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00150
This means I have torn the ligaments in my ankle. And I am immobile. WTF. This includes 3 phases of resting, the first phase takes one whole week! The second phase takes another two weeks, and the third phase is where I am supposed to return to normal activities slowly. ARRRRGH! I never have had such an injury before and I keep expecting it to just feel better. I keep expecting that maybe I will just be able to walk on it. Last night I attempted to take one step, and as soon as I put both feet on the ground, and moved my right foot it was excruiating pain. I won't be doing that again; I know it was stupid.
I am using crutches and have to keep my ankle in an air-splint.
Anyway, I have never felt so helpless in my life. Now, instead of my mom helping, it's my boyfriend with the brunt of the work. I have to have him help me get things from up high, help me shower, cook my meals (I can't stand up by any means without crutches). So, that's been pretty fun. (At least the showering part. Hahahahah!... I mean really, I can't complain about a hot guy slathering me with soap while holding me up, can I?) Now I am laying in bed, probably for at least until Friday and then I get to start trying to flex my ankle, foot, and leg again. Gooood times!
Coincidentally, or not, I had a UTI at the time of the sprain, so I was able to get some antibiotics for that, which helps. The doctor prescribed me some pain medication, which makes me really itchy and semi-naseous. I suppose it's better than being in constant pain.
In the past, I've never thought that a sprained ankle could do so much damage. I was wrong. Lesson learned. Times like this make me thankful I do not have a job or anywhere to go today because otherwise I'd be screwed. If anyone would like to deliver me candy, food, some lotion, or a drink, I'd be happy. I won't say no!
Anyway, I guess from now on I will pay attention to what I'm doing while I'm walking. Every second counts.
OUUUUCHHHH.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Winter thoughts
It's winter. Which is my least favorite season by far! I hate snow, I don't like being cold, I don't really like cold rainy stuff, etc etc etc. Most of all, I don't like winter because it makes me feel lonely and alone. Both of those.
Right now I don't exactly have an optimal living situation. I am constantly worried about being a burden on my extended family. I am not homeless by any means... thank goodness! It's just that I STILL feel out of place and like I don't have my OWN place, because I don't. So I have been doing a lot of thinking.
I am faced with a number of decisions about my living situation. I could go back to my god-forsaken home-town for a temporary living situation, just to get through the winter. Which would just make me hate winter even MORE than I hate it already. It would force me to give up my volunteering commitment which disappoints me, because I don't like to let people down when I give my word to doing something. Also, I don't really WANT to go back home, because I hate that town so much. Every time I am there I feel like crap and am filled with anxiety and rage and hatred, I just don't know if I would be able to handle it with no distractions. BUT... it would be a house to live in and it would be warm. I would be able to see my friends there and actually spend time with them. I might be able to see my kids a few more times while I'm there. On the other hand, I would really miss my boyfriend and my friends here. And I wouldn't be doing any good because I would miss out on any job opportunities which might come up here.
If I leave, I would be comfortable, this is a given. BUT, if I leave I will be lonely. But I'm already lonely. It's just kind of a truly confusing circle I feel I am stuck in. I don't really have any available couches to surf on here, and it feels terrible just feeling stuck in a bad situation and not having any power over it. I know I have power over my emotions, and that's what I'm trying to deal with.
I don't 100% want to go back to Oregon, but I'm feeling really stressed out and lonely here, and maybe it would help... then again, maybe it would make it worse.
I want to be comfortable and I am not, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
It's tough. I hate it. I don't know what to do. Go or stay, go or stay.
Of course I would come back here to Seattle, I would only be gone for a couple of months, but is it worth it? Why can't someone just figure it out for me? Where do I look? I'm spent. I'm sad. I'm cold. I'm lonely. It's winter.
Right now I don't exactly have an optimal living situation. I am constantly worried about being a burden on my extended family. I am not homeless by any means... thank goodness! It's just that I STILL feel out of place and like I don't have my OWN place, because I don't. So I have been doing a lot of thinking.
I am faced with a number of decisions about my living situation. I could go back to my god-forsaken home-town for a temporary living situation, just to get through the winter. Which would just make me hate winter even MORE than I hate it already. It would force me to give up my volunteering commitment which disappoints me, because I don't like to let people down when I give my word to doing something. Also, I don't really WANT to go back home, because I hate that town so much. Every time I am there I feel like crap and am filled with anxiety and rage and hatred, I just don't know if I would be able to handle it with no distractions. BUT... it would be a house to live in and it would be warm. I would be able to see my friends there and actually spend time with them. I might be able to see my kids a few more times while I'm there. On the other hand, I would really miss my boyfriend and my friends here. And I wouldn't be doing any good because I would miss out on any job opportunities which might come up here.
If I leave, I would be comfortable, this is a given. BUT, if I leave I will be lonely. But I'm already lonely. It's just kind of a truly confusing circle I feel I am stuck in. I don't really have any available couches to surf on here, and it feels terrible just feeling stuck in a bad situation and not having any power over it. I know I have power over my emotions, and that's what I'm trying to deal with.
I don't 100% want to go back to Oregon, but I'm feeling really stressed out and lonely here, and maybe it would help... then again, maybe it would make it worse.
I want to be comfortable and I am not, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
It's tough. I hate it. I don't know what to do. Go or stay, go or stay.
Of course I would come back here to Seattle, I would only be gone for a couple of months, but is it worth it? Why can't someone just figure it out for me? Where do I look? I'm spent. I'm sad. I'm cold. I'm lonely. It's winter.
Monday, November 29, 2010
The randomness of my MIND
Here are just a few thoughts I have right this second in no particular order:
1. I really like the way snow makes the earth look, I love the way it makes me feel like I could have a new beginning every time the snow falls. But I STILL and will always hate driving in it.
2. I don't give a shit if you don't agree with my lifestyle or my choices. I don't agree with yours either, but I don't try to argue with you about it because I just don't like to argue!
3. There are a few t.v. shows I really enjoy watching and I'm not going to feel bad for watching them! People say T.V. rots your brain and there are better ways to spend your time... don't get me wrong, there probably ARE better ways to spend my time. BUT, I am not going to feel bad because I could have spent those three hours (in which I am alone by the way) a week making my bed, or washing a dish, or going shopping, or hiking, or ANY number of other options... instead of watching a T.V. show. Fuck it. I like some shows and I will watch them, and if YOU don't want to watch them, then don't. I don't care how you spend your alone time, really I don't.
4. I like high fructose corn syrup and processed foods. Oreos.... YUMMMM. I'm not saying I will ONLY eat these, because I don't. Because I have enough sense to know that I need to eat a balanced diet and EVERYTHING should be taken in moderation, and this includes ALL FOODS!!! If you don't want to eat them, it's fine, then don't, but don't push your bullshit "values" on my life. Thank you. I refuse to feel guilty for sometimes enjoying sweets and salty snacks. LAAAME.
5. Sex is definitely one of the best things I have in my life. I am glad to live in a country where I have the freedom to be open about my sexuality and I am able to not be truly afraid of daily rape, (for myself AND my daughter) and I am thankful I still have my clit because it hasn't been cut off.... that shit is soooo fucked up. I am glad I have the FREEDOM and KNOWLEDGE to enjoy sexual pleasure with whomever I want, whenever I want.
6. I really appreciate the friendships I have made throughout my life. I have lost a few in the meantime also, but it makes me HOLD the ones I have even more dear and close to my heart. People grow apart from each other, people change, but all it takes is ONE kind word to say I love you to your friends.
1. I really like the way snow makes the earth look, I love the way it makes me feel like I could have a new beginning every time the snow falls. But I STILL and will always hate driving in it.
2. I don't give a shit if you don't agree with my lifestyle or my choices. I don't agree with yours either, but I don't try to argue with you about it because I just don't like to argue!
3. There are a few t.v. shows I really enjoy watching and I'm not going to feel bad for watching them! People say T.V. rots your brain and there are better ways to spend your time... don't get me wrong, there probably ARE better ways to spend my time. BUT, I am not going to feel bad because I could have spent those three hours (in which I am alone by the way) a week making my bed, or washing a dish, or going shopping, or hiking, or ANY number of other options... instead of watching a T.V. show. Fuck it. I like some shows and I will watch them, and if YOU don't want to watch them, then don't. I don't care how you spend your alone time, really I don't.
4. I like high fructose corn syrup and processed foods. Oreos.... YUMMMM. I'm not saying I will ONLY eat these, because I don't. Because I have enough sense to know that I need to eat a balanced diet and EVERYTHING should be taken in moderation, and this includes ALL FOODS!!! If you don't want to eat them, it's fine, then don't, but don't push your bullshit "values" on my life. Thank you. I refuse to feel guilty for sometimes enjoying sweets and salty snacks. LAAAME.
5. Sex is definitely one of the best things I have in my life. I am glad to live in a country where I have the freedom to be open about my sexuality and I am able to not be truly afraid of daily rape, (for myself AND my daughter) and I am thankful I still have my clit because it hasn't been cut off.... that shit is soooo fucked up. I am glad I have the FREEDOM and KNOWLEDGE to enjoy sexual pleasure with whomever I want, whenever I want.
6. I really appreciate the friendships I have made throughout my life. I have lost a few in the meantime also, but it makes me HOLD the ones I have even more dear and close to my heart. People grow apart from each other, people change, but all it takes is ONE kind word to say I love you to your friends.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
It's not you, It's me..... YEAH RIGHT! It's totally YOU.
Have you ever told someone gently "It's not you, it's ME" to make them feel better? I know I have. And to EVERY person I have said that to, it was a LIE! I'm setting it straight right here and now. It was YOU not ME. It was YOU who was a douchebag so I had to dump you. It was YOU who couldn't keep my secrets secret so I said fuck you. It was YOU who wrongfully judged me for something you didn't bother to find the truth about so I let you go. And you know what??? I don't feel bad about it.
Fuck feeling bad. I feel GOOD.
Bytheway, this is not aimed at any one in particular and I haven't recently had to deal with this , thank goodness, but I've just been thinking about that saying and its connotations lately.
So for all of you reading this, or not, remember, it's not ME it's YOU!
Fuck feeling bad. I feel GOOD.
Bytheway, this is not aimed at any one in particular and I haven't recently had to deal with this , thank goodness, but I've just been thinking about that saying and its connotations lately.
So for all of you reading this, or not, remember, it's not ME it's YOU!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
LUCKY!
No not like THAT kind of lucky.
Not like THIS kind of lucky either.
THIS kind of lucky. The LOVE kind.
About a month ago, my boyfriend & I spent a romantic weekend at a cabin in the woods of Northern Washington. For the previous two months we were in a constant state of fighting, a constant state of upheaval. We were stuck in bad relationship patterns. Then we went to Burning Man. Everything renewed itself there, our love had come full circle to the place it began 4 years ago. But then immediately after the burn, we fell back into the fighting pattern. UNTIL.... EPIC CABIN WEEKEND.
We began our time together around 5 p.m. We took a walk out to Glacier Creek and watched the rushing water before us. We stopped at the swings on the way back to the cabin and we swung our hearts out. We went back to the cabin for some dinner. We had mutual back rubs. We did deep breathing together. We walked back to the creek. We We talked calmly about the way we fight and the way we want to change the pattern TOGETHER. We talked about the reasons we were together in the first place. We talked about the first time we went to Burning Man and how strongly our love felt then. We talked about all the things we love about each other openly and honestly. We talked about all the things we DON'T love about each other openly and honestly and calmly. We talked, and talked, and talked, and swung on swings, and walked in the rain ALL NIGHT long. My boyfriend made a fire, and we cozied in front of it. This night showed me us both, showed ME, so many things about my life that I had been so quick to forget.
I AM LUCKY in love. I am supported beyond belief. I always hoped for the love of my life, I always thought he existed somewhere. A few times, I thought the persons I was with before were him. But I was wrong. This impossible relationship that both of us never thought could happen or exist is TOTALLY EXISTING.
Not one word of hate or misunderstanding was spoken that night. We realized that we are together for the long haul. We are in this life together. We are going to spend the rest of our lives together. And although we cannot predict the future, we know that we see each other in it. There are no doubts that when I am old and gray, I will be standing next to the same person I'm with right now, and he with me.
In times of cloudy judgement, and harsh environments, and tough economy, and etc. etc. etc.... it is too easy to forget the ones we love. To start taking things for granted. To just not give a shit because it's easier. It's easier to not care than open up and get hurt. But it's never, EVER worth it. (At least not in my own experiences)
I am thankful for the one who has chosen to spend his life with me. Who has supported me and continues to support me DAILY. Through me trying to find a job, having regular crying jags, a lame sense of humor, no dressing style, a defensive streak, HE stands by me. He stands up for me when he feels I have been wronged by others. He is ON MY SIDE. It has taken me MONTHS to realize this.
Here are the most important things I learned at the cabin:
We are partners in this life. We are meant to be in LOVE. We are GOOD TOGETHER. We are ENOUGH for each other, whether or not we feel like it doesn't matter. We are ENOUGH!!! We LOVE each other through thick & thin and will do whatever it takes to stay together so we can form a life as one unit.
To my boyfriend I say these words: we have been together for almost one year. We have gone through turmoils and highs and we have made it this far. I look forward to spending many many more years with turmoils and highs together with you. As long as you are by my side, we can do it. I love you. I am lucky.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Living Comfortably .... for now anyway
After much toiling and fighting and bubbling and brewing and boiling I finally feel comfortable with my living situation. My boyfriend and I were previously living at his mom's house in an extra bedroom. You'd think it would be fine but not so much for me. I felt confined to the room, and didn't really spend much time in the living space the house had to offer as I didn't feel comfortable for a variety of reasons. So of course I felt stuck in so many ways. Stuck in a 10 x 10 space, stuck in a semi-dirty environment, stuck with no job therefore no money to go to the city & see my friends there (and barely enough to go visit my friends HERE), stuck stuck stuck!!! It came to the point where I was seriously considering going back to Oregon to live with my mom until my boyfriend could find a place for us to live. I decided to stick it out with my boyfriend, and we had 2 months of pure hell for me. Finally, after reaching the end of my rope, reaching my wit's end, my boyfriend said we could find a place elsewhere. So we did. We are currently shacking up in the R.V. belonging to his sibling. This is a lot bigger than a 10 X 10 room. AND I have the added bonus of feeling comfortable enough in the house to spend some extra time in there. No more confinement. I feel free.
My boyfriend asked me over & over again, "How do you know that getting your own space will make you feel better?" And my only answer was "I just know." And being here, I JUST KNOW! I feel better. I feel like I have my own space and like my voice was finally heard. I am happy for this situation. It is only temporary, because we will eventually find a place of our own, but for now, for a few months anyway, this will do a fine job.
My boyfriend asked me over & over again, "How do you know that getting your own space will make you feel better?" And my only answer was "I just know." And being here, I JUST KNOW! I feel better. I feel like I have my own space and like my voice was finally heard. I am happy for this situation. It is only temporary, because we will eventually find a place of our own, but for now, for a few months anyway, this will do a fine job.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
My dead dad and brother
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my dad alive to talk to for just ONE second. I think of him sooooo much. The thing that pisses me off about death is that it's just so permanent. There's no coming back from there. I would love to just talk to him, to let him know I'm OK, and what I'm doing, and where I am. I would love for him to meet my boyfriend. I think they would have gotten along. He would be happy with the way my boyfriend treats me, and he would have respected above all else for that. If there is any ONE thing I miss about my dad, it's his voice. I'm so pissed that there are no recordings of it anywhere to be found. Pictures, videos, we have those, but without sound. Damn. Even if I DID get to see him for just one second, I know it wouldn't be enough and I'd need more. I feel like it would have been awesomest if we could just both have died at the same time. I mean, I'm glad I'm alive right now, but I'd have LOVED to have him around for 60 more years. Whenever I see an elderly person I get kind of mad inside because I feel that it's unfair that my dad never lived to see an elderly age. Totally lame, I know, but it's just something I keep in my head usually. Then I well up inside and feel like crying. It's such bullshit. Why? Why? Why? I know death is everyone's fate, but I truly hate that it happens to all of us. So stupid.
As far as my brother being dead, I took it so hard at the time. I ended up in shock in the E.R. for a day, because I was totally sure it wasn't really happening. We weren't all that close when he died, but the last time I saw him alive was at my father's funeral, when he left our family's house. The shock of knowing that I'd never get a chance to know him better was too much to take. It still sometimes IS too much to take. I wish I'd known him the same way his wife & daughters did. I wish I'd known him NOW, as an adult. One thing he said to me was that he was proud of the WOMAN I had become, and he was proud of me living on my own. It made me so happy to hear. I'd grown up in his eyes. No longer his baby sister, but a grown woman, his sister was 30... anyway, I miss him a lot and I wish he could also see where I am, what I've become, etc.
They say time heals all wounds. I disagree. Time is a tool to make the wounds seem less harsh. It's like neopsporin. The more you reapply the better it feels. I keep thinking that maybe one day it won't hurt anymore, maybe one day it will just feel OK again. But I am coming to realize that it won't feel better. It will ALWAYS hurt. It may hurt less some days, and it may hurt more other days, and even OTHER days it may feel like nothing. The key, to me, is to keep remembering them with love.
As far as my brother being dead, I took it so hard at the time. I ended up in shock in the E.R. for a day, because I was totally sure it wasn't really happening. We weren't all that close when he died, but the last time I saw him alive was at my father's funeral, when he left our family's house. The shock of knowing that I'd never get a chance to know him better was too much to take. It still sometimes IS too much to take. I wish I'd known him the same way his wife & daughters did. I wish I'd known him NOW, as an adult. One thing he said to me was that he was proud of the WOMAN I had become, and he was proud of me living on my own. It made me so happy to hear. I'd grown up in his eyes. No longer his baby sister, but a grown woman, his sister was 30... anyway, I miss him a lot and I wish he could also see where I am, what I've become, etc.
They say time heals all wounds. I disagree. Time is a tool to make the wounds seem less harsh. It's like neopsporin. The more you reapply the better it feels. I keep thinking that maybe one day it won't hurt anymore, maybe one day it will just feel OK again. But I am coming to realize that it won't feel better. It will ALWAYS hurt. It may hurt less some days, and it may hurt more other days, and even OTHER days it may feel like nothing. The key, to me, is to keep remembering them with love.
Some things about my parents that I like
1. My parents have shown me that being of service to other people makes me feel good. I'm not talking about donating money, or mowing lawns, or feeding the poor here. What I mean is doing good things for others. Telling my boyfriend I love him every day. Calling my children on a regular basis. Making the bed. Cleaning up after a mess, even when I didn't make it. Letting someone into the lane when I'm driving and they've been waiting for a while. Smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. These small things make me happy and I'm not going to stop now.
2. They never made me feel poor. We always had what we needed, we never felt poor. We were DIRT poor I realize as I've grown up. My dad had to struggle and work really hard for the little money that we DID make. But we always had what we needed. We had food, a nice house, cars, clothes, friends, birthday presents, etc. Even when I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was in second grade we couldn't afford it, so my mom made me one instead of buying one. She even had a cabbage patch label on her overalls. Of course she didn't look quite the same, but I treasured her more than any other doll I ever got. A few years later I received a REAL cabbage patch doll and the two were sisters. I have both of them to this day, I will NEVER get rid of those dolls. Proof that my parents just wanted us to have what we wanted and would do whatever it took to achieve that.
3. All through high school, my mom packed my lunch because I am such a picky eater. I HATED school lunch. When I was younger my mom would put notes in my lunchbox that said things like "Have a nice day. I love you." because I missed my mom and was pretty anxious about leaving for a whole school day while she was at home. I'm thankful for those notes and for the yummy food I had.
4. Support. Lots of it. My dad would always support me, even though sometimes as first he'd be really angry. For instance, he was always willing to give me $5 even if it was the last $5 in his wallet. I was thankful. My parents always babysit my kids, for free which is above & beyond the call of grandparent duty. They always let me stay in their home for free. They gave me rides 24 miles in the middle of the night when I was working late and couldn't drive. The list goes on & on & on.
5. My dad was friendly toward everyone. Even complete strangers. This used to embarass me. I'd think "Why is talking to that man about the price of milk?" but then I realized as I got older that small talk is rare. People get busy in their daily lives and forget to just be nice to each other. We need to do that more often. It doesn't matter if the person smiles back, or talks back to you, and really... who cares? Be the FIRST one to say hello.
2. They never made me feel poor. We always had what we needed, we never felt poor. We were DIRT poor I realize as I've grown up. My dad had to struggle and work really hard for the little money that we DID make. But we always had what we needed. We had food, a nice house, cars, clothes, friends, birthday presents, etc. Even when I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was in second grade we couldn't afford it, so my mom made me one instead of buying one. She even had a cabbage patch label on her overalls. Of course she didn't look quite the same, but I treasured her more than any other doll I ever got. A few years later I received a REAL cabbage patch doll and the two were sisters. I have both of them to this day, I will NEVER get rid of those dolls. Proof that my parents just wanted us to have what we wanted and would do whatever it took to achieve that.
3. All through high school, my mom packed my lunch because I am such a picky eater. I HATED school lunch. When I was younger my mom would put notes in my lunchbox that said things like "Have a nice day. I love you." because I missed my mom and was pretty anxious about leaving for a whole school day while she was at home. I'm thankful for those notes and for the yummy food I had.
4. Support. Lots of it. My dad would always support me, even though sometimes as first he'd be really angry. For instance, he was always willing to give me $5 even if it was the last $5 in his wallet. I was thankful. My parents always babysit my kids, for free which is above & beyond the call of grandparent duty. They always let me stay in their home for free. They gave me rides 24 miles in the middle of the night when I was working late and couldn't drive. The list goes on & on & on.
5. My dad was friendly toward everyone. Even complete strangers. This used to embarass me. I'd think "Why is talking to that man about the price of milk?" but then I realized as I got older that small talk is rare. People get busy in their daily lives and forget to just be nice to each other. We need to do that more often. It doesn't matter if the person smiles back, or talks back to you, and really... who cares? Be the FIRST one to say hello.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Breaking the cycle
After another night of fight-talking with my boyfriend, I have reached a few answers to my own thoughts. While I may be batting for the same team he is on, he has a hard time remembering we are a team. Rather than pouring more of myself into forcing the issue in the ways that I do, I guess I can just try to take a step back and hope that he KNOWS I am on his side.
I have been too long in really terrible, horrible, relationships where the other person has treated me poorly. This has leftover actions on my part. Since all I have known for the past 10 years is my partner being an asshole and me having to fight back, it's just stuck in me. I don't know how to have a new outlook on life when my current boyfriend is nice to me. (USUALLY. Ha)Trying to break the cycle of bad relationship habits is very, very, very tough for me. I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides when usually that isn't the case.
One of the last times I saw my brother Craig alive, he told me "You need to learn to be less defensive and not take things so personally." He didn't know of my history with men, with relationships... all he knew is that I've dated some assholes (what a shame he can't meet the GOOD guy I finally have landed! Death is lame, but that's a whole different story) I need to actually take these words to heart and start trying, REALLY trying, to just let things go.
I am lucky to have found someone who wants to share my life, now I just need to find a new outlook, which is pretty hard so far. But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. All I can do is keep on trying.
I have been too long in really terrible, horrible, relationships where the other person has treated me poorly. This has leftover actions on my part. Since all I have known for the past 10 years is my partner being an asshole and me having to fight back, it's just stuck in me. I don't know how to have a new outlook on life when my current boyfriend is nice to me. (USUALLY. Ha)Trying to break the cycle of bad relationship habits is very, very, very tough for me. I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides when usually that isn't the case.
One of the last times I saw my brother Craig alive, he told me "You need to learn to be less defensive and not take things so personally." He didn't know of my history with men, with relationships... all he knew is that I've dated some assholes (what a shame he can't meet the GOOD guy I finally have landed! Death is lame, but that's a whole different story) I need to actually take these words to heart and start trying, REALLY trying, to just let things go.
I am lucky to have found someone who wants to share my life, now I just need to find a new outlook, which is pretty hard so far. But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. All I can do is keep on trying.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Home?
Update: Still feel like I don't have a place to call my own. Still hate living in a bedroom. Still feeling like crap 'cause I don't have a job. Still not knowing my purpose in being here, rather, not finding my only purpose to be enough. Totally feeling useless, but trying to find the good sides and "usefulness" of doing laundry, going grocery shopping, and doing other basic housewiving duties even though I don't have a baby and am not married. Basically, nothing mentally has changed since I came back from Burning Man. I love my boyfriend. He is the one I want to spend my life with. I love my friends here. Glad they support me in so many ways. Soooo.... all I need now is a bar to drink happy hour at for cheap, a job so I can DRINK at said bar, a place to live of my own. (of OUR own) I want to be domestic, I'm freaking good at it. I want to cook meals and clean the house and take care of a baby (this is totally the ex-mormon left in me) and guess what? I can't do any of these things 'cause I don't have a place. I am so freaking bored I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! People say "get a hobby" while they themselves have none, or have a job or kids to occupy their time. Idle hands are the devils work etc etc etc. To these people I say "Fuck off! I don't WANT a hobby." I want a couple of things:
a baby, or a job. Perhaps a job, then later a baby... that would be the preferred order. And just so you know, NO we are not trying for a baby currently, but I am certain we will have one or two someday in the future. It just feels as since I am just going to be spending most of my time sitting around doing nothing and have done so for 9 months now, well,.... I could at least be NOW doing something like raising another kid before I get too old. Anyway, that's enough for now, I guess. I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I don't really have anything positive to say. I'm a bummer of a person even to myself.
a baby, or a job. Perhaps a job, then later a baby... that would be the preferred order. And just so you know, NO we are not trying for a baby currently, but I am certain we will have one or two someday in the future. It just feels as since I am just going to be spending most of my time sitting around doing nothing and have done so for 9 months now, well,.... I could at least be NOW doing something like raising another kid before I get too old. Anyway, that's enough for now, I guess. I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I don't really have anything positive to say. I'm a bummer of a person even to myself.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Bad Attitude Rant
I am pretty sick of my situation right now. Still feeling damn chaotic and not at home at all in this foreign state. Since I have moved to Seattle I have felt really sad in a way that is hard to explain. I miss my kids so much it feels like death is crushing my breathing capability. I don't have any sense of myself here. I don't have any good sense of my relationship with my boyfriend here, since we don't have our own space to live a good, domestic life. I don't have any sense of "home" here. I DO have a few friends, which I'm glad for. It's tough to be living in a place where not one thing feels like my own. Not mentally or physically. I know it will change when I get a job, and I WILL GET A JOB DAMNIT! But in the meantime, there are all these cracks and spaces to fill up but with what? All I can do is meander about feeling lonely and wonder what I could be doing differently to feel a different way. NONE of this is working. What is there left to do other than what I'm already doing??? I feel pretty helpless and pissed off in general at the bullshit that surrounds.
Mental illness, yes folks, I'm talking clinical& chronic depression here, doesn't help either. It's a never ending circle of crap. I had it before I left K. Falls, and now it feels like it's 15 times worse. I can't fully experience the ideal life that I want because it's just truly impossible right now. I know it will get better, I know this is not permanent, but what the hell else am I supposed to feel? Recently a loved one told me I was being manic, and I told him I wasn't, but he was probably right. I am kind of manic and panicky. It's just that in the heat of the moment, the crazy people (ME) don't want others ("normal people") to tell them how crazy and foolish they're acting. The crazy people (ME) just want a hug and a hand to hold and someone to say "It's going to be fine." Crazy people (ME) do NOT want someone to get defensive at them when they feel like they're going even MORE crazy because they have no sense of self. Jesus Christ already!!! People tell me "suck it up, it's not forever" or "be thankful you're not homeless." YEAH NO SHIT! It's not like I haven't thought of those things already, thank you very much Captain Obvious! I have thought of those things, but it doesn't help, and I'm looking for help and not finding it anywhere visible.
Sometimes I wish I believed in some kind of God so at least I could ask for some kind of help from that being... OR I can place the blame on something obscure.
I wish my thoughts will help someone else who is in this situation themselves, or who has EVER felt this shitty before. In the words of Courtney Love, who I hate by the way, "Have you ever felt so used up as this?" that's pretty much the only good line she had in a song.
I have no way to end this, so I might as well just yell really loudly "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
Mental illness, yes folks, I'm talking clinical& chronic depression here, doesn't help either. It's a never ending circle of crap. I had it before I left K. Falls, and now it feels like it's 15 times worse. I can't fully experience the ideal life that I want because it's just truly impossible right now. I know it will get better, I know this is not permanent, but what the hell else am I supposed to feel? Recently a loved one told me I was being manic, and I told him I wasn't, but he was probably right. I am kind of manic and panicky. It's just that in the heat of the moment, the crazy people (ME) don't want others ("normal people") to tell them how crazy and foolish they're acting. The crazy people (ME) just want a hug and a hand to hold and someone to say "It's going to be fine." Crazy people (ME) do NOT want someone to get defensive at them when they feel like they're going even MORE crazy because they have no sense of self. Jesus Christ already!!! People tell me "suck it up, it's not forever" or "be thankful you're not homeless." YEAH NO SHIT! It's not like I haven't thought of those things already, thank you very much Captain Obvious! I have thought of those things, but it doesn't help, and I'm looking for help and not finding it anywhere visible.
Sometimes I wish I believed in some kind of God so at least I could ask for some kind of help from that being... OR I can place the blame on something obscure.
I wish my thoughts will help someone else who is in this situation themselves, or who has EVER felt this shitty before. In the words of Courtney Love, who I hate by the way, "Have you ever felt so used up as this?" that's pretty much the only good line she had in a song.
I have no way to end this, so I might as well just yell really loudly "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
Monday, August 2, 2010
Time passing
Slowly oh so slowly. Time is passing.
Last week I spent in Southern Oregon hanging out with my mom & my kids at the coast. It was really fun, and it made me really miss my kids. This is the first summer in 5 years I haven't had them all summer long, and it sucks! I came back to Seattle knowing that I wasn't going to be living in the city anymore. Due to circumstances of life, my boyfriend and I had to move out of our apartment and are currently living in a bedroom in his mom's house in a suburb about 20 miles north of the city. Ugh. It's not like I don't like his mom--- that's not what the hard part is--- I REALLY like my "mom in law" she's rad! Living temporarily is just a tough thing to do, and we've all had to do it. Living out of boxes, and searching through plastic sacks for my shampoo is just generally annoying. I have hope that we both know this is not a PERMANENT situation. In fact, it seems the boy's sister might be moving out of her place, which would be perfect for us to move into. So let's all cross our fingers that this will work out properly for all involved parties!
So, anyway, after the vacation at the beach, it was really hard to come back to Seattle and feel kind of homeless. I really wanted to stay in Oregon for another month and just hang out with my kids and visit some old friends, and then go to Burning Man at the end... but that didn't happen. Instead, here I am feeling a bit weird in the suburbs.
Continuing on this seemingly endless job search may be easier here, let's hope so. On the other hand, let's hope that if I do get a job suddenly that I can still get time off to go to the desert this year.
Speaking of the desert... I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of nervous about it. I think I'm nervous because I'm camping with some people I've never camped with before, and it will be exciting to see the different and new dynamic in this new camp. My old home camp, the Vomiting Sparrows, is totally amazing, but I have felt a shift the past two years that I am not comfortable with entirely and have sought new grounds. This year will be those new grounds on the desert.
I am not ready... much much packing and purchasing and resting and prepping to be done before the Man burns.
To go back to the start of this post, I miss my kids, and I hope I can make it down to see them again soon. I only hope they will understand someday why I moved so far away from them. To make myself happy, so I guess I'll try harder to actually BE happy.
Last week I spent in Southern Oregon hanging out with my mom & my kids at the coast. It was really fun, and it made me really miss my kids. This is the first summer in 5 years I haven't had them all summer long, and it sucks! I came back to Seattle knowing that I wasn't going to be living in the city anymore. Due to circumstances of life, my boyfriend and I had to move out of our apartment and are currently living in a bedroom in his mom's house in a suburb about 20 miles north of the city. Ugh. It's not like I don't like his mom--- that's not what the hard part is--- I REALLY like my "mom in law" she's rad! Living temporarily is just a tough thing to do, and we've all had to do it. Living out of boxes, and searching through plastic sacks for my shampoo is just generally annoying. I have hope that we both know this is not a PERMANENT situation. In fact, it seems the boy's sister might be moving out of her place, which would be perfect for us to move into. So let's all cross our fingers that this will work out properly for all involved parties!
So, anyway, after the vacation at the beach, it was really hard to come back to Seattle and feel kind of homeless. I really wanted to stay in Oregon for another month and just hang out with my kids and visit some old friends, and then go to Burning Man at the end... but that didn't happen. Instead, here I am feeling a bit weird in the suburbs.
Continuing on this seemingly endless job search may be easier here, let's hope so. On the other hand, let's hope that if I do get a job suddenly that I can still get time off to go to the desert this year.
Speaking of the desert... I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of nervous about it. I think I'm nervous because I'm camping with some people I've never camped with before, and it will be exciting to see the different and new dynamic in this new camp. My old home camp, the Vomiting Sparrows, is totally amazing, but I have felt a shift the past two years that I am not comfortable with entirely and have sought new grounds. This year will be those new grounds on the desert.
I am not ready... much much packing and purchasing and resting and prepping to be done before the Man burns.
To go back to the start of this post, I miss my kids, and I hope I can make it down to see them again soon. I only hope they will understand someday why I moved so far away from them. To make myself happy, so I guess I'll try harder to actually BE happy.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The World Is a Cruel Mistress
Today I'm feeling especially vulnerable & annoyed at the world. I got turned down for yet another job due to circumstances beyond my current control. I don't like feeling this way. I have tried to shake it off about 100 times already and I just can't for some reason. I am wondering at the very origins of my coming to Seattle in the first place. It's like, which life would have been worse? Would it be worse to rot away in Klamath Falls without my boyfriend? But I was just recently able to find my footing financially while I was there. Literally right before I left I felt for the first time in my life I had my eggs kind of in a basket. Then I left in high hopes that I'd have no problems finding a job. And I didn't. At first. But the job I found was horrible and the hours were shit, so I left. (I know, I know...This is my own fault, I'm not here placing blame on anyone else) Would it be worse to live in this foreign city feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life? Seriously, everywhere I go there are people, and things, and sights, and I feel like I can't enjoy them because I am not equipped to do so. Neither emotionally or financially. People say "oh, well, go find the things that are free." and "there must be a park nearby" and while I do not discount these options, it's just that those are things I've ALREADY done and experienced. To me, a city is full of things to do "inside" that cost MONEY y'know? Emotionally feeling like everyone already has a few friends, and blown away by the fact that maybe people actually DO want to hang out with me. I feel like I'm 16 again trying to make friends with the "cool kids." And it feels crappy to me to go from feeling like things would work out to having all of my hopes dashed on the rocks below the cliff I jumped off of earlier this year. I need to re-evaluate and re-discover my reasons for coming here. If I remember them I think it will help.
SOOOOO..... I came here fully hoping for a good, stable relationship with Lee. I got that. Check! Well, as far as I can remember, that was really all I hoped for in coming here. As far as jobs go, I guess that hope came along after I'd been here for a few weeks and it was a reality that I was staying. I guess I did get what I came here for. And believe you me, I am thankful he doesn't leave me because of my flaky past, my rampant emotions and neediness, and every day I count my blessings that he is with me. I am afraid that it could all be ripped out from under me, and since it is the main good thing I have, it's the overwhelming thought scaring me today.
Blargh. I have a lot of other things I want to say right now, but I fear I am not making any sense and wonder if it all freaking matters anyway.
In the end, f*ck the world..... if only she could get her shit together like the rest of us. I trusted the universe to bring me northward to be with my life partner, and it gave me that much. Maybe I am asking too much for a job and some emotional stability as well.
SOOOOO..... I came here fully hoping for a good, stable relationship with Lee. I got that. Check! Well, as far as I can remember, that was really all I hoped for in coming here. As far as jobs go, I guess that hope came along after I'd been here for a few weeks and it was a reality that I was staying. I guess I did get what I came here for. And believe you me, I am thankful he doesn't leave me because of my flaky past, my rampant emotions and neediness, and every day I count my blessings that he is with me. I am afraid that it could all be ripped out from under me, and since it is the main good thing I have, it's the overwhelming thought scaring me today.
Blargh. I have a lot of other things I want to say right now, but I fear I am not making any sense and wonder if it all freaking matters anyway.
In the end, f*ck the world..... if only she could get her shit together like the rest of us. I trusted the universe to bring me northward to be with my life partner, and it gave me that much. Maybe I am asking too much for a job and some emotional stability as well.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
What I did this weekend (Part 2)
It was a very pretty drive home, even though we had to leave the hotsprings. The Payette River is full of rafters, kayaks, and people floating down the river on tubes. It was so pretty, I couldn't stop looking at it.
When we got home, Landon wanted to have a concert, so he formed "Landon's Band". We all performed in some way; from recorder, to piano, to voice, to audience.
July fourth was spent relaxing playing board games with the family. Then we went to watch the fireworks show in Meridian. I must admit, it was the BEST fireworks I've seen. Given the limited budget they have, it was WAAAY better than any other show to date. I was happy to kiss Lee under the fireworks, and happy to sit next to nieces & nephews, some of whom hadn't seen "real fireworks" before!
Monday we drove back to Seattle. This time we saw the things we missed the first time around as it was dark in Idaho. We saw an abandoned building in the side of a mountain. Very surreal, wondering what it was once used for. Lee got this cool picture of it.
Being back in Seattle makes me homesick. This place, this city, while it remains where I live, isn't quite the open countryside home I am used to. This weekend made me feel very satisfied with my life. I am so lucky to have such an amazing family. Even when we are miles away from each other, when we do hang out, it's nothing but love. No pretense, no drama, no bullshit, just pure love. Mom & Dad did a damn fine job, if I do say so myself.
I am lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend, to sacrifice his time & money to accompany me on this trip. Not only that, but day to day he makes sure I am here to stay. Without him, none of me would possible right now, and I am thankful. I keep falling in love over & over & over again with him. My weekend was perfect and I could never ask for more.
When we got home, Landon wanted to have a concert, so he formed "Landon's Band". We all performed in some way; from recorder, to piano, to voice, to audience.
July fourth was spent relaxing playing board games with the family. Then we went to watch the fireworks show in Meridian. I must admit, it was the BEST fireworks I've seen. Given the limited budget they have, it was WAAAY better than any other show to date. I was happy to kiss Lee under the fireworks, and happy to sit next to nieces & nephews, some of whom hadn't seen "real fireworks" before!
Monday we drove back to Seattle. This time we saw the things we missed the first time around as it was dark in Idaho. We saw an abandoned building in the side of a mountain. Very surreal, wondering what it was once used for. Lee got this cool picture of it.
Being back in Seattle makes me homesick. This place, this city, while it remains where I live, isn't quite the open countryside home I am used to. This weekend made me feel very satisfied with my life. I am so lucky to have such an amazing family. Even when we are miles away from each other, when we do hang out, it's nothing but love. No pretense, no drama, no bullshit, just pure love. Mom & Dad did a damn fine job, if I do say so myself.
I am lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend, to sacrifice his time & money to accompany me on this trip. Not only that, but day to day he makes sure I am here to stay. Without him, none of me would possible right now, and I am thankful. I keep falling in love over & over & over again with him. My weekend was perfect and I could never ask for more.
What I did this weekend (Part 1)
My boyfriend & I went to visit my family (missing one brother, who wasn't able to make it from Portland) at my sister's place in Idaho. The road trip was nearly 500 miles one way. We passed through Eastern Washington, Eastern Oregon, and arrived in the suburban town of Meridian, Idaho on July 2nd. The drive was astonishingly beautiful and made me miss my hometown. I guess there is something to be said of high-desert scenery, it's pretty in it's own way.
Saturday was spent driving up to the Banks-Lowman hot springs on the Payette River. On the trail down to the river, I was walking with my brother Al. As we were climbing rocks I mentioned "this feels so familiar but I know I've never been here before." He said to me,"You are a JOLE. How many times have we done something exactly like this?" And we laughed and laughed. It made me feel so happy and so connected to my family through space.
There are 4 small pools of hot springs which were under the waterfall feeding the river. The river itself was very cold, and the hot springs remain the perfect temperature for soaking. There are a few small waterfalls springing from the mountain side forming the hot springs. My family all remembers the summer before my dad died, when he visited this same place and tried out the hot springs at the VERY TOP of the mountain. Apparently he "dipped his foot in" to test the 500 degree water and got badly burned. The family saw he come barreling down the mountain and yelling "don't go in there. It's too hot!!" This story makes me sad about not being able to make that last trip with my father, but happy that he could experience the beauty of this earth; I know it was probably his favorite thing to be outside with nature.
To get to this hotsprings pool, we had to wade through about 4 feet of rushing cold water, then climb up the rocky mountainside. It was sooooo freezing. We went in teams so that we could help each other hold onto the rocky mountainside, wade out to the shallow, knee-deep water, then make our way through the current back to the mountain to climb up to the pool. (Even my 8-year-old niece made it with the help of her older brother & her mom. No easy feat, when you realize the water was probably over her head and she had to swim!) Once we made it up to the hot spring, we had about 8 people all soaking in the tub. The bottom was made of beachy sand, and the water dripping from the mountain made for the perfect shower. The Payette River below, the mountains above, visiting my family, having soaking kisses with my boyfriend, reveling in such perfect moments. How many times do we have for such moments? Life is such a blur. It made me want to slooooow time and never leave that place.
Eventually we had to make our way back to the other side, full knowing that we would be pushing AGAINST the current this time. We all knew that there were smaller warm pools at the place we had started from so that made it worth it. Lee & I decided to go together, and we just dived in the cold water to get the shock all at once. (It wasn't as cold as I remember on the way there, so maybe our theory worked!) Once we made the trek back, we immediately climbed up the waterfall on the rocks to soak in the smaller tub. This tub had a bunch of streams coming down, so you could stand just perfectly under it, and have warm water running down your neck and body. The minerals in the water made my skin feel so soft. (Once we got home, I just felt kind-of dirty, and wanted a shower. Heheheh)
Saturday was spent driving up to the Banks-Lowman hot springs on the Payette River. On the trail down to the river, I was walking with my brother Al. As we were climbing rocks I mentioned "this feels so familiar but I know I've never been here before." He said to me,"You are a JOLE. How many times have we done something exactly like this?" And we laughed and laughed. It made me feel so happy and so connected to my family through space.
There are 4 small pools of hot springs which were under the waterfall feeding the river. The river itself was very cold, and the hot springs remain the perfect temperature for soaking. There are a few small waterfalls springing from the mountain side forming the hot springs. My family all remembers the summer before my dad died, when he visited this same place and tried out the hot springs at the VERY TOP of the mountain. Apparently he "dipped his foot in" to test the 500 degree water and got badly burned. The family saw he come barreling down the mountain and yelling "don't go in there. It's too hot!!" This story makes me sad about not being able to make that last trip with my father, but happy that he could experience the beauty of this earth; I know it was probably his favorite thing to be outside with nature.
To get to this hotsprings pool, we had to wade through about 4 feet of rushing cold water, then climb up the rocky mountainside. It was sooooo freezing. We went in teams so that we could help each other hold onto the rocky mountainside, wade out to the shallow, knee-deep water, then make our way through the current back to the mountain to climb up to the pool. (Even my 8-year-old niece made it with the help of her older brother & her mom. No easy feat, when you realize the water was probably over her head and she had to swim!) Once we made it up to the hot spring, we had about 8 people all soaking in the tub. The bottom was made of beachy sand, and the water dripping from the mountain made for the perfect shower. The Payette River below, the mountains above, visiting my family, having soaking kisses with my boyfriend, reveling in such perfect moments. How many times do we have for such moments? Life is such a blur. It made me want to slooooow time and never leave that place.
Eventually we had to make our way back to the other side, full knowing that we would be pushing AGAINST the current this time. We all knew that there were smaller warm pools at the place we had started from so that made it worth it. Lee & I decided to go together, and we just dived in the cold water to get the shock all at once. (It wasn't as cold as I remember on the way there, so maybe our theory worked!) Once we made the trek back, we immediately climbed up the waterfall on the rocks to soak in the smaller tub. This tub had a bunch of streams coming down, so you could stand just perfectly under it, and have warm water running down your neck and body. The minerals in the water made my skin feel so soft. (Once we got home, I just felt kind-of dirty, and wanted a shower. Heheheh)
Monday, June 28, 2010
This is the Spokane Ferry. There was a map of the ferry routes. The one I took led back & forth between Edmonds & Kingston. I would then drive north to Pt. Townsend.
Once I met up with my friend Mara, a.k.a. Spatch, we visited the tiny Science Center Museum on Pt. Townsend. Her couchsurfing hostess is a volunteer there and gave us all kinds of fun info. about the sea creatures. It was actually pretty cool! Here is Mara petting some starfish.
We petted all the sea creatures, and one of my favorites were these sand-dollars. I'd never actually seen one alive. It was really cool and great fun!
Contentment
Today my kids left Seattle after a week-long stay here. (My mom was here too, she is awesome and drove them up here & back 8 hours driving one way!!!) I am usually sad when they leave, and they are sad too. Their little brother was born back in Oregon while they were here so they got to go home & meet him. Usually when they leave, I spend the day melancholy, sad, and sleeping. Today, while I was a bit sad, I went to visit my friend Spatch. She & I met at Burning Man 2009. She is from New York, and I thought it might be a looooong time till I got to see her again. This thought made me sad, as she is one of the people I spent alot of time with and very much bonded with, and loved deeply while on the playa. Guess what? She is driving cross country and was visiting Washington, so we met up in Port Townsend. I had to drive North and catch a ferry over to Kingston, then drive up to see her. I'd never been to that part of Washington, and the drive was really quite amazing, and only an hour from Kingston to Pt. Townsend. We visited the Science Center Museum and saw some sea creatures.
Once there, after meeting her adorable puppydog Winter, we spoke about our lives.
It made me contemplate, yet again, how similar lives can be even when people are far away from each other. She told me of her decision to quit her job and move with her boyfriend across the country, so they could be together. While I didn't move across the country, I did quit my job and decided to move in with my boyfriend in a new state. Her concerns with her relationships were similar to mine, and her love for her man were similar to my love for my man. And the whole time, it was reassuring to know that YET AGAIN, I am not alone.
Yes, it's scary to take biiig jumps and not have jobs, and just trust that things will work out. It is too easy to let the bad things take over, and fight with my boyfriend and just let bad feelings take over because of the scary thoughts. But today, today, today, today.... I thought "why?" "Why am I letting the bad take over the good? Old habits? Because I'm afraid? Because I feel like I'm alone?" And while all of those thoughts are true and valid, they're also complete bullshit. Because just talking to Spatch was proof that I'm not alone. EVERYONE everywhere is taking big risks, and doing crazy things, and quitting jobs, and loving and fighting, and such. So, I decided to try harder to remember this. We are all connected for good or for bad. If I make a conscious attempt to TRY to let good take over, then maybe, just maybe, GOOD will become a force and a habit in my life. Above all, I'm thankful for the time I spent with Spatch. Just to catch up, to talk and to listen, to reassure each other that we are loved from afar, and especially her help (whether she knew she was helping or not) in making me recognize that I am not so alone after all. Thanks Spatch!
Also, it made me realize, that I DO have people here, friends even, who like to hang out with me. And I need to make an effort to invite those people over. Right now I have no job, and therefore no spending money really, but that doesn't mean that I can't invite someone over to play a game, or go for a walk outside, or go to a park, or something else for free. These people have tried to include me in their lives, and if I don't do the same, then I would be silly to let the chances pass me by. So to the friends I have made in Seattle, and the friends I have yet to make, cheers! Thanks all for including me, and thanks for being patient with my hesitancy.
Once there, after meeting her adorable puppydog Winter, we spoke about our lives.
It made me contemplate, yet again, how similar lives can be even when people are far away from each other. She told me of her decision to quit her job and move with her boyfriend across the country, so they could be together. While I didn't move across the country, I did quit my job and decided to move in with my boyfriend in a new state. Her concerns with her relationships were similar to mine, and her love for her man were similar to my love for my man. And the whole time, it was reassuring to know that YET AGAIN, I am not alone.
Yes, it's scary to take biiig jumps and not have jobs, and just trust that things will work out. It is too easy to let the bad things take over, and fight with my boyfriend and just let bad feelings take over because of the scary thoughts. But today, today, today, today.... I thought "why?" "Why am I letting the bad take over the good? Old habits? Because I'm afraid? Because I feel like I'm alone?" And while all of those thoughts are true and valid, they're also complete bullshit. Because just talking to Spatch was proof that I'm not alone. EVERYONE everywhere is taking big risks, and doing crazy things, and quitting jobs, and loving and fighting, and such. So, I decided to try harder to remember this. We are all connected for good or for bad. If I make a conscious attempt to TRY to let good take over, then maybe, just maybe, GOOD will become a force and a habit in my life. Above all, I'm thankful for the time I spent with Spatch. Just to catch up, to talk and to listen, to reassure each other that we are loved from afar, and especially her help (whether she knew she was helping or not) in making me recognize that I am not so alone after all. Thanks Spatch!
Also, it made me realize, that I DO have people here, friends even, who like to hang out with me. And I need to make an effort to invite those people over. Right now I have no job, and therefore no spending money really, but that doesn't mean that I can't invite someone over to play a game, or go for a walk outside, or go to a park, or something else for free. These people have tried to include me in their lives, and if I don't do the same, then I would be silly to let the chances pass me by. So to the friends I have made in Seattle, and the friends I have yet to make, cheers! Thanks all for including me, and thanks for being patient with my hesitancy.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Family Part Two
On June 20th, Lee's birthday, also Father's day (R.I.P. dads), we went strawberry picking at Biringer Farms. It was very rainy and wet. Not really cold, but very rainy. We got 3 flats of berries and his mom made them into strawberry shortcake for a yummy birthday treat!
Then we went to see Toy Story 3 at the Seattle Center at the IMAX theater. It was REALLY FUN! My kids got to see the space needle at night, they were excited about watching the elevator go up & down. We also visited the Giant Chair & Table.
Family
My kids & mom are in Seattle this week visiting us. It's been great fun! We went to watch Toy Story 3 at the IMAX and it was super fantastic. We have been going to the park every day so far, and the weather has cooperated and everything! YAY sun! Saturday we are going to see Cirque du Soleil, and Sunday we are driving up to Port Townsend, taking a ferry somewhere, and having a visit with my friend Spatch & her puppy Winter. (I'm looking forward to that.) On July 4th weekend , my family having a reunion in Idaho at my sister's house. I'm excited. All the kids in one spot... well except Brian, 'cause he can't make it, we understand, and Craig may he R.I.P. Anyway, 4 out of 6 ain't bad.
Having my kids here makes me happy but I'm not looking forward to when they have to go back home. Although THEY are in for a new experience, as their baby brother (on their dad & stepmoms side) Max was born while they were here visiting, so they can meet him! Having my kids here also makes me feel a little sad because I know they have to leave, and that always sucks. But I try to do my best while they are here even though I know I don't live up to the ideal. But then again, who DOES live up to the ideal? No one. Right! We are all imperfect in our own ways, including me, and I have to admit that although it's not personally ideal for me to not have my kids here all the time, I try to count myself among the lucky few who actually get to visit my kids on a regular basis.
That's all the new news for now.
Having my kids here makes me happy but I'm not looking forward to when they have to go back home. Although THEY are in for a new experience, as their baby brother (on their dad & stepmoms side) Max was born while they were here visiting, so they can meet him! Having my kids here also makes me feel a little sad because I know they have to leave, and that always sucks. But I try to do my best while they are here even though I know I don't live up to the ideal. But then again, who DOES live up to the ideal? No one. Right! We are all imperfect in our own ways, including me, and I have to admit that although it's not personally ideal for me to not have my kids here all the time, I try to count myself among the lucky few who actually get to visit my kids on a regular basis.
That's all the new news for now.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
My life map
I got a little bored & motivated all at once today. I decided to create a temporary life map for myself. I've been feeling general malaise lately, which sucks. And then I found out recently that I have gained 7 pounds since I've moved here. To those of you who know me, I am not some huge obese person, but the weight I am at now is only 3 pounds less than when I was 9 months pregnant... to which I must say I am personally NOT happy about. I am not comparing myself to others, and I know others have battles worse than mine, but the point is that I am unhappy with the weight so I am going to TRY to change it. I think mental & physical health usually go hand in hand for me anyway, so I am doing both. Ugh. So I am setting out on a mission to lose 20-30 pounds. Because I might as well do it now, before I have to set about losing 40-100 pounds y'know??? I watch Biggest Loser avidly, and I think that if those people can lose about TWO of me in weight, then I must be silly to not at least TRY to lose 25 pounds, right?? RIGHT! I made a list of general things to keep track of including:
Food, Physical, Mental, If I Slack, Personal/Relationships, Summary. I made sure that I am allowed to change the things on the list as I need to be flexible. I'm only human. I've been trying to keep a sharp eye out on my mental feelings so as to not to fly out of control. I had one break, but that is a big improvement from an every day breakdown, so it's all good so far.
Then my awesomest boyfriend made me a checklist to go along with my "map." He made all the things on my list with boxes next to them, so I could totally keep track of my progress, good AND bad. (side note, Lee is so freaking rad, he's really the best boyfriend EVER. I didn't ask him to help, other than to help hold me accountable, and he made me a checklist.... PERFECT)
Also on the checklist it says "Here's what else I did that was awesome" and "Here's what else I did that I regret"
Anyway, I'm excited to start trying to make a change for the better, even a small one. I will keep y'all posted on the progress. If any one wants details, let me know, I will send them.
Food, Physical, Mental, If I Slack, Personal/Relationships, Summary. I made sure that I am allowed to change the things on the list as I need to be flexible. I'm only human. I've been trying to keep a sharp eye out on my mental feelings so as to not to fly out of control. I had one break, but that is a big improvement from an every day breakdown, so it's all good so far.
Then my awesomest boyfriend made me a checklist to go along with my "map." He made all the things on my list with boxes next to them, so I could totally keep track of my progress, good AND bad. (side note, Lee is so freaking rad, he's really the best boyfriend EVER. I didn't ask him to help, other than to help hold me accountable, and he made me a checklist.... PERFECT)
Also on the checklist it says "Here's what else I did that was awesome" and "Here's what else I did that I regret"
Anyway, I'm excited to start trying to make a change for the better, even a small one. I will keep y'all posted on the progress. If any one wants details, let me know, I will send them.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
The Universe Takes Another One
Dear Universe,
You can probably stop killing people off now. What is it with you and your need to rob us of the great ones? So many years of destruction. I'm pissed off at you right now. I've had enough of your bullshit. Maybe it's time for you to get off your lazy, mean, ass and just send some good things our way, all right? I'd really appreciate it and, more importantly, so would my boyfriend and his family! As if stealing MY dad & brother wasn't enough, now you go & take HIS dad too??? Well, to this universe, to this moment, I give a big "FUCK YOU! AND the horse you rode in on."
p.s. I know that I should probably talk nicely to next time, but right now I just don't feel like it. So there. You've helped me out in the past, and I'm hoping that you help me out in the future, but right now, You are totally on my bad side.
Erika
You can probably stop killing people off now. What is it with you and your need to rob us of the great ones? So many years of destruction. I'm pissed off at you right now. I've had enough of your bullshit. Maybe it's time for you to get off your lazy, mean, ass and just send some good things our way, all right? I'd really appreciate it and, more importantly, so would my boyfriend and his family! As if stealing MY dad & brother wasn't enough, now you go & take HIS dad too??? Well, to this universe, to this moment, I give a big "FUCK YOU! AND the horse you rode in on."
p.s. I know that I should probably talk nicely to next time, but right now I just don't feel like it. So there. You've helped me out in the past, and I'm hoping that you help me out in the future, but right now, You are totally on my bad side.
Erika
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Goals- or more appropriately- The Lack Thereof
Am I the only one who doesn't set goals? It's all around me. This weird "pressure" to have some sort of "goal." In my latest job interviews I got asked what my goals were and I said "To build a life in this city." And one woman asked me "So, you just came up here not knowing what you were going to do?" and I said, "Well yes pretty much." She seemed pleased enough with that answer, so the interview moved on. Anyway this is not about that interview, that is just one example.
On T.V. , in books, from random strangers, in school, in collge, at jobs, on fliers, on advertisements, it's always about "what are your goals" or "change your life today!" Well I have NEVER set goals. I grew up Mormon and the superiors were always telling us to set goals, long and short term to better prepare for a good life. While I saw the point, I would go home and sit down and try to make a goal and could NEVER come up with any. I tried to think recently what my goals are currently, and I just don't have any. My life boils to one basic point. STRIVE TO BE HAPPY. And if I can do that, well, then I've reached my 'goal' right?
Easier said than done. I know that I am such a small speck in the grand scheme of life; on this whole planet my own problems seem to be nothing compared to what others have to deal with; HOWEVER minute they seem, they still exist. My anger, sadness, pain, depression, it exists even knowing it's worth NOTHING. And there-in lies the mental fucked-up-ness of it all. How do I get rid of it? Why do I feel worthless? I exist. I am human. I am. Pinpointing my self-doubt could take the rest of my life and I still don't think I would understand exactly where it comes from. Maybe I need to focus rather on ways to recognize it so I don't freak out when those moments happen. Maybe I need to "take the plan and spin it sideways" (in the words of a Placebo song). Maybe I need to just admit to the world that I am totally OK and doing just fine even though I don't make goals.
Anyway, just wondering, does anyone else out there feel as if they ALSO don't make goals and are doing OK?
On T.V. , in books, from random strangers, in school, in collge, at jobs, on fliers, on advertisements, it's always about "what are your goals" or "change your life today!" Well I have NEVER set goals. I grew up Mormon and the superiors were always telling us to set goals, long and short term to better prepare for a good life. While I saw the point, I would go home and sit down and try to make a goal and could NEVER come up with any. I tried to think recently what my goals are currently, and I just don't have any. My life boils to one basic point. STRIVE TO BE HAPPY. And if I can do that, well, then I've reached my 'goal' right?
Easier said than done. I know that I am such a small speck in the grand scheme of life; on this whole planet my own problems seem to be nothing compared to what others have to deal with; HOWEVER minute they seem, they still exist. My anger, sadness, pain, depression, it exists even knowing it's worth NOTHING. And there-in lies the mental fucked-up-ness of it all. How do I get rid of it? Why do I feel worthless? I exist. I am human. I am. Pinpointing my self-doubt could take the rest of my life and I still don't think I would understand exactly where it comes from. Maybe I need to focus rather on ways to recognize it so I don't freak out when those moments happen. Maybe I need to "take the plan and spin it sideways" (in the words of a Placebo song). Maybe I need to just admit to the world that I am totally OK and doing just fine even though I don't make goals.
Anyway, just wondering, does anyone else out there feel as if they ALSO don't make goals and are doing OK?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Burning Man ruined my life
As if. Yeah right. Shut up hippie you're going to make me cry! Slow down plane, you are kicking up dust *shakes fist in anger at sky*..... Burning Man Ruined My Life. In the good way of ruin, that is. This "festival" or whatever the hell you want to call it has truly changed me for the better. I am stirred with emotion tonight and really missing the Playa, all The Vomiting Sparrows, all my friends I've met there. It hurts in an aching way. It's my family. My brothers & sisters & BEST FRIENDS. Some of the people I've met live in a whole different country--- S. Africa, Israel, England.... and some others live in America... and some others live places I've never even heard of (i.e. The Deep End or 8o'clock and C) But the truth of the matter is that DAMN I LOVE THOSE BURNERS!!!!
Last year was EPIC. Life changing. Well, it's always been life changing, but the 2009 year made it such that I was not going to live my life anymore in a comfortable manner. It pushed me to my farthest limits. Going back home to Oregon after the burn was horrible. It was truly one week spent in Portland which helped me "come down" and touch base with the default world again. I made up my mind that week a goal for myself: I said that by July 1st, I would no longer be living in Klamath Falls. And if I didn't reach that goal, my friends were allowed to kick my ass literally, and to hold me accountable.
Guess what? I reached that goal WAAAAAAAY before its time. Do you know why? Because in 2006 I met another Burner, my current boyfriend, Lee. And he took me under his wing in every possible way. I am so thankful for the desert. The playa truly does provide. (that's a cheers to you Team Next... you all taught me that) I feel so freaking lucky to have experienced such a great time for 4 weeks of my life. This means that 1 whole month I have spent at Burning Man. HOLY SHIT! I have had my ticket gifted to me twice (thanks to Frank & Scotty/Suz) and bought my ticket the other times. The playa has provided me with so many things I never realized before.
I CAN change my life. I can make friends no matter what. I can climb, jump, sing, roll in dust, ride a bike, be sober, be the furthest thing away from sober, cry, laugh, scream, love, have sex, eat, drink, not shower for 7 days....Whatever the Hell I feel like doing WHENEVER I WANT!!! And guess what? I can do those things in REAL LIFE too.
I am truly proud of myself for reaching a goal that I never truly deemed realistic. I am so thankful for the friends who pushed me in this direction and for the friends I had at the other end to catch me when I jumped. My dear friend Scott told me "You can't deny what the universe is telling you anymore. Go. Go." And it clicked. And I went. And I stayed. And here I am. Without burning man, NONE of this could be possible... my current life would mean nothing, would NOT exist without this one thing I do in the desert every year.
I thank the playa gods for punching me in my face and telling me to come to Seattle, to come to the one I was meant to be with all along, to burn my ass off and meet such great family all the while. So basically, Burning Man ruined my life. I wouldn't ask for anything else.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Seeing myself in someone else
I talked to one of my friends from K. Falls today. Although it was a brief conversation it really hit home. She told me of another night of drinking till the blackout point. It worried me. This is a history in her life, and she knows it is a problem. She knows she should quit drinking. And while I do back her up in this recognizance, I feel terribly hypocritical in doing so. I mean, really, how long did it take ME to "quit drinking" when I was lost in the spiral of alcoholism? For about one whole year, and then most of another year, my life was a horrible mess. Involved with a dick-head boyfriend, who was emotionally abusive when drunk (and when sober really)... working full time (so I could support his & my alcoholic habits) at a fast-food job.... going to school taking 12-13 credits all at the same time. 6 out 7 nights were spent screaming at each other in drunken rages, followed by 3 hours of sleep or less, followed by 5 hours of school, followed by 8-9 hours of work at Subway, followed by going to the bar to do it all again. It truly IS a spiral. While I still have to remind myself, 4 years after this experience, to "keep an eye on my drinking habit" I could only see myself in my friend while she told me of her experiences while drunk. I never personally "blacked out" from alcohol, but definitely there have been near-misses and a bunch of fuzzy memories which were filled in by my friends the next day. My drinking habit never did me any good at the time, yet I wasn't able to stop. I wasn't able to fully quit the shitty relationship until 2 years after the hardest part as well. Alcohol was the fuel to my fire. Finally, in 2008, I got a DUI. It was a horrendous experience, and while I got LUCKY that no one got hurt due to my stupid actions, it taught me a lesson to take a step back when I'm drinking and to learn my "limit".... now I know everyone has to learn limits for themselves, and that is what TERRIFIES me about my friend. She also has one DUI under her belt. She has been put in really shitty situations due to her OWN faults while drinking. So what can I do? What could I do while I was living there? NOTHING. I can only watch & hope she learns for herself before it's too late to get out, or before something horrible truly does happen. It makes me sick because I don't want her to have to live a life similar to how horrible mine was. And while she isn't involved with a shitty boyfriend, obviously there is something driving her to drink so much. I could blame the misery of her town. K. Falls is truly a horrible soul sucking place for some of us. (myself included) But that's not the WHOLE reason. I worry for her. I worry for myself. I worry for everyone out there who feels such desperation that the only thing we can do is "drink it away until we can't feel".... she knows the problem. She KNOWS there is a solution. I hope she can figure it out & follow through. I hope that in the meantime, I can learn from MY OWN lessons and not repeat the past.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Flip Side
So, as a kind-of flip side to my last post about being depressed, I will post something else now. Yeah, it's true I've been known to be sad pretty much forever. But when I try to think of the good things I get overwhelmed with happiness which is good. In the mood of trying to stay positive, here are some things which have recently made me happy.
My kids and mom came to visit over the weekend. We all went to the aquarium, with my brother, Lee's sister, and Lee's mom, and it was a fun family outing. I love my kids, and I miss them terribly (part of the depression creeping in) but I need to really take hold of the times I DO get to spend with them and be happy that I am allowed to be a part of their existence.
Last week I went out twice with friends, to drink, both nights were fun for me. This group of people is extremely giving and kind and including of their lives & habits. Thankful for such friends. Beginnings of friendships are fun times for me.
I have a really awesome support of online friends. I know it is cheesy, but truly my online buddies have made me get through the days in a much better fashion. Brought laughter to my sadness. Have listened to me vent through all the bullshit. Have let me stay the night at their houses & feed me cocktails & held me while I cried. I am thankful for all of you.
I am above all thankful for the supportive partner I have found in Lee. A really great boyfriend. A great lover. A great giver of self. He is, as I like to say, a really good human. Sometimes, like all other couples, we have moments of doubts (NIGHTS of doubt even) but unlike other people in my life, he is always willing to work through it. He doesn't see disagreement as an end, even when I might be viewing it as such. I am learning to view things through his eyes. And to his credit, he is learning to view things through mine.... which is brand new to him. Never before have I felt such an overwhelming sense of love.
To summarize, while yes, I am quite sad, there is always a happy part through the sadness. And I know that with time the happiness will prevail and all will be well with the world.
My kids and mom came to visit over the weekend. We all went to the aquarium, with my brother, Lee's sister, and Lee's mom, and it was a fun family outing. I love my kids, and I miss them terribly (part of the depression creeping in) but I need to really take hold of the times I DO get to spend with them and be happy that I am allowed to be a part of their existence.
Last week I went out twice with friends, to drink, both nights were fun for me. This group of people is extremely giving and kind and including of their lives & habits. Thankful for such friends. Beginnings of friendships are fun times for me.
I have a really awesome support of online friends. I know it is cheesy, but truly my online buddies have made me get through the days in a much better fashion. Brought laughter to my sadness. Have listened to me vent through all the bullshit. Have let me stay the night at their houses & feed me cocktails & held me while I cried. I am thankful for all of you.
I am above all thankful for the supportive partner I have found in Lee. A really great boyfriend. A great lover. A great giver of self. He is, as I like to say, a really good human. Sometimes, like all other couples, we have moments of doubts (NIGHTS of doubt even) but unlike other people in my life, he is always willing to work through it. He doesn't see disagreement as an end, even when I might be viewing it as such. I am learning to view things through his eyes. And to his credit, he is learning to view things through mine.... which is brand new to him. Never before have I felt such an overwhelming sense of love.
To summarize, while yes, I am quite sad, there is always a happy part through the sadness. And I know that with time the happiness will prevail and all will be well with the world.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Depression
I feel like shit in this city. I feel really damn alone. It sucks. I don't know what to do to snap out of it, or if snapping out of it is even possible. Most of my good friends live in Oregon. Granted, I do know a few people here, and I am not discounting the absolute love and goodness they have shown me, but WTF. I don't have anyone to just call to go have a drink with. I don't have a bar to go alone and be comfortable at.
I have this terrible depression in my life. I have always felt "alone". (Disclaimer: for those of you who think depression is not real, please quit reading now, and if you continue on, please do not comment on my thoughts. Thankyou) This is really no different than the other times, but it's just getting to me. I used to drink to get rid of this feeling and now I know why. Because being drunk and feeling NOTHING is WAY easier than dealing with feeling sad all the time. Yes, there were drunk times when I would cry & feel sad & emotional, but they don't even compare to the times like now when I feel sad and am crying & emotional totally SOBER.
I am trying to break the 'drinking the pain away' habit, though, so that's not a good option right now.
The problem is, that I don't have options. I have been seeing a therapist, and hoping it will begin to help, I am trying to be optomistic about it. But I know I have chronic depression, and what can a therapist do other than just tell me what I already know but in a different light? I don't know, but hopefully I will find out.
I just want a friend to go drink with, to go hang out with and talk, to go watch a sunset away from the city.... but where to go? It's a never ending circle of doom right now.
I feel freaking helpless & alone. I kinda hate my life right now, which makes me feel selfish. I live in a free country, I live in a place where most people have the ability to eat, live, & be wasteful, so what gives me the right to feel like this? It doesn't matter, it doesn't change the fact that I feel crappy. Siiiigh.
I've no good way to end this. So, I'm done.
I have this terrible depression in my life. I have always felt "alone". (Disclaimer: for those of you who think depression is not real, please quit reading now, and if you continue on, please do not comment on my thoughts. Thankyou) This is really no different than the other times, but it's just getting to me. I used to drink to get rid of this feeling and now I know why. Because being drunk and feeling NOTHING is WAY easier than dealing with feeling sad all the time. Yes, there were drunk times when I would cry & feel sad & emotional, but they don't even compare to the times like now when I feel sad and am crying & emotional totally SOBER.
I am trying to break the 'drinking the pain away' habit, though, so that's not a good option right now.
The problem is, that I don't have options. I have been seeing a therapist, and hoping it will begin to help, I am trying to be optomistic about it. But I know I have chronic depression, and what can a therapist do other than just tell me what I already know but in a different light? I don't know, but hopefully I will find out.
I just want a friend to go drink with, to go hang out with and talk, to go watch a sunset away from the city.... but where to go? It's a never ending circle of doom right now.
I feel freaking helpless & alone. I kinda hate my life right now, which makes me feel selfish. I live in a free country, I live in a place where most people have the ability to eat, live, & be wasteful, so what gives me the right to feel like this? It doesn't matter, it doesn't change the fact that I feel crappy. Siiiigh.
I've no good way to end this. So, I'm done.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Windows of Light
PART 1
Just a moment
One single breath
In that moment was a thousand years.
so many memories
the thoughts of you I have been haunted by
over so much time
all coming to a head
the way we ask
"how did you know"
and knowing that it doesn't matter
It doesn't matter except that
it only influenced everything
for a few different moments in my life
looking across the room
into someone else's eyes
They didn't notice the moment
It wasn't theirs to see.
I hold close to my heart
the years, the hours, the breaths,
all involving you
for so many reasons, but especially because...
PART 2
because they led me HERE.
the one place I never thought I'd be (without you)
The one person I'm so blessed to have met,
to have feelings for,
to share love with.
These moments are forever.
Opening windows upon windows of light
Inifinite happiness upon my life.
Just a moment
One single breath
In that moment was a thousand years.
so many memories
the thoughts of you I have been haunted by
over so much time
all coming to a head
the way we ask
"how did you know"
and knowing that it doesn't matter
It doesn't matter except that
it only influenced everything
for a few different moments in my life
looking across the room
into someone else's eyes
They didn't notice the moment
It wasn't theirs to see.
I hold close to my heart
the years, the hours, the breaths,
all involving you
for so many reasons, but especially because...
PART 2
because they led me HERE.
the one place I never thought I'd be (without you)
The one person I'm so blessed to have met,
to have feelings for,
to share love with.
These moments are forever.
Opening windows upon windows of light
Inifinite happiness upon my life.
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Life, New Love, New Decade, New Everything
It recently started with a Halloween road trip whim. Although, technically it was starting before that and it involved a whole bunch of vomiting sparrows and a desert. To get from dry land to rainy town has been a trip indeed. Where, exactly, are you talking about Erika? You might be asking yourself... The story goes like this:
Right this second I'm in Seattle. Yes, Seattle. In a house in a town which I will soon call my home. After I had the lame day at work I got "suspended" from my job for 7 days. Totally stupid, right? So I decided to take my new love on his word that it is really OK to come up north. I hopped on a plane to Seattle on New Year's Eve. Today, my old boss called me and said "When do you want to come in and talk" and I said "well I'm in Seattle." She told me "Ok you quit. goodbye." and hung up. So it's official, I have quit my job in Klamath Falls.
I don't have any money. I don't have a solid plan other than just looking really hard for a job. I am a normally very structured person and this is hard for me to just let the universe toss me about. But it's too hard to fight the obvious right now. And obviously I need to be here. Some things I do have which amaze me are a really good man (no, he's more than really good he's the best), mental support from afar among all of my friends, good intentions, a new friend here already with whom I have a girl date tomorrow, and love love love.
This has been a huge risk, I think it is one of the biggest risks I've taken in my life so far. But it's either sink or swim, they say, and so I choose to swim. I think it had to be such an abrupt choice and such a huge risk for me to actually follow through with my life.
I feel really overwhelmed at how much support I feel right now, how I know that so many people are sending me good vibes and I don't know how to pay those back other than with good thoughts of you all.
Without this amazing man who is so giving of himself, I know this whole thing would not be possible. I could not exist here without him right now. So thankful.
It's 2010. A whole new decade. A whole new love. A whole new everything. And I couldn't be happier right now. I don't really make new year's resolutions, or goals, or anything like that, but I think this year I will resolve to myself to strive to be less afraid. To be aware of the world around me and to stop fighting against it. Here goes my new life. Cheers!!
Right this second I'm in Seattle. Yes, Seattle. In a house in a town which I will soon call my home. After I had the lame day at work I got "suspended" from my job for 7 days. Totally stupid, right? So I decided to take my new love on his word that it is really OK to come up north. I hopped on a plane to Seattle on New Year's Eve. Today, my old boss called me and said "When do you want to come in and talk" and I said "well I'm in Seattle." She told me "Ok you quit. goodbye." and hung up. So it's official, I have quit my job in Klamath Falls.
I don't have any money. I don't have a solid plan other than just looking really hard for a job. I am a normally very structured person and this is hard for me to just let the universe toss me about. But it's too hard to fight the obvious right now. And obviously I need to be here. Some things I do have which amaze me are a really good man (no, he's more than really good he's the best), mental support from afar among all of my friends, good intentions, a new friend here already with whom I have a girl date tomorrow, and love love love.
This has been a huge risk, I think it is one of the biggest risks I've taken in my life so far. But it's either sink or swim, they say, and so I choose to swim. I think it had to be such an abrupt choice and such a huge risk for me to actually follow through with my life.
I feel really overwhelmed at how much support I feel right now, how I know that so many people are sending me good vibes and I don't know how to pay those back other than with good thoughts of you all.
Without this amazing man who is so giving of himself, I know this whole thing would not be possible. I could not exist here without him right now. So thankful.
It's 2010. A whole new decade. A whole new love. A whole new everything. And I couldn't be happier right now. I don't really make new year's resolutions, or goals, or anything like that, but I think this year I will resolve to myself to strive to be less afraid. To be aware of the world around me and to stop fighting against it. Here goes my new life. Cheers!!
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