I am pretty sick of my situation right now. Still feeling damn chaotic and not at home at all in this foreign state. Since I have moved to Seattle I have felt really sad in a way that is hard to explain. I miss my kids so much it feels like death is crushing my breathing capability. I don't have any sense of myself here. I don't have any good sense of my relationship with my boyfriend here, since we don't have our own space to live a good, domestic life. I don't have any sense of "home" here. I DO have a few friends, which I'm glad for. It's tough to be living in a place where not one thing feels like my own. Not mentally or physically. I know it will change when I get a job, and I WILL GET A JOB DAMNIT! But in the meantime, there are all these cracks and spaces to fill up but with what? All I can do is meander about feeling lonely and wonder what I could be doing differently to feel a different way. NONE of this is working. What is there left to do other than what I'm already doing??? I feel pretty helpless and pissed off in general at the bullshit that surrounds.
Mental illness, yes folks, I'm talking clinical& chronic depression here, doesn't help either. It's a never ending circle of crap. I had it before I left K. Falls, and now it feels like it's 15 times worse. I can't fully experience the ideal life that I want because it's just truly impossible right now. I know it will get better, I know this is not permanent, but what the hell else am I supposed to feel? Recently a loved one told me I was being manic, and I told him I wasn't, but he was probably right. I am kind of manic and panicky. It's just that in the heat of the moment, the crazy people (ME) don't want others ("normal people") to tell them how crazy and foolish they're acting. The crazy people (ME) just want a hug and a hand to hold and someone to say "It's going to be fine." Crazy people (ME) do NOT want someone to get defensive at them when they feel like they're going even MORE crazy because they have no sense of self. Jesus Christ already!!! People tell me "suck it up, it's not forever" or "be thankful you're not homeless." YEAH NO SHIT! It's not like I haven't thought of those things already, thank you very much Captain Obvious! I have thought of those things, but it doesn't help, and I'm looking for help and not finding it anywhere visible.
Sometimes I wish I believed in some kind of God so at least I could ask for some kind of help from that being... OR I can place the blame on something obscure.
I wish my thoughts will help someone else who is in this situation themselves, or who has EVER felt this shitty before. In the words of Courtney Love, who I hate by the way, "Have you ever felt so used up as this?" that's pretty much the only good line she had in a song.
I have no way to end this, so I might as well just yell really loudly "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Time passing
Slowly oh so slowly. Time is passing.
Last week I spent in Southern Oregon hanging out with my mom & my kids at the coast. It was really fun, and it made me really miss my kids. This is the first summer in 5 years I haven't had them all summer long, and it sucks! I came back to Seattle knowing that I wasn't going to be living in the city anymore. Due to circumstances of life, my boyfriend and I had to move out of our apartment and are currently living in a bedroom in his mom's house in a suburb about 20 miles north of the city. Ugh. It's not like I don't like his mom--- that's not what the hard part is--- I REALLY like my "mom in law" she's rad! Living temporarily is just a tough thing to do, and we've all had to do it. Living out of boxes, and searching through plastic sacks for my shampoo is just generally annoying. I have hope that we both know this is not a PERMANENT situation. In fact, it seems the boy's sister might be moving out of her place, which would be perfect for us to move into. So let's all cross our fingers that this will work out properly for all involved parties!
So, anyway, after the vacation at the beach, it was really hard to come back to Seattle and feel kind of homeless. I really wanted to stay in Oregon for another month and just hang out with my kids and visit some old friends, and then go to Burning Man at the end... but that didn't happen. Instead, here I am feeling a bit weird in the suburbs.
Continuing on this seemingly endless job search may be easier here, let's hope so. On the other hand, let's hope that if I do get a job suddenly that I can still get time off to go to the desert this year.
Speaking of the desert... I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of nervous about it. I think I'm nervous because I'm camping with some people I've never camped with before, and it will be exciting to see the different and new dynamic in this new camp. My old home camp, the Vomiting Sparrows, is totally amazing, but I have felt a shift the past two years that I am not comfortable with entirely and have sought new grounds. This year will be those new grounds on the desert.
I am not ready... much much packing and purchasing and resting and prepping to be done before the Man burns.
To go back to the start of this post, I miss my kids, and I hope I can make it down to see them again soon. I only hope they will understand someday why I moved so far away from them. To make myself happy, so I guess I'll try harder to actually BE happy.
Last week I spent in Southern Oregon hanging out with my mom & my kids at the coast. It was really fun, and it made me really miss my kids. This is the first summer in 5 years I haven't had them all summer long, and it sucks! I came back to Seattle knowing that I wasn't going to be living in the city anymore. Due to circumstances of life, my boyfriend and I had to move out of our apartment and are currently living in a bedroom in his mom's house in a suburb about 20 miles north of the city. Ugh. It's not like I don't like his mom--- that's not what the hard part is--- I REALLY like my "mom in law" she's rad! Living temporarily is just a tough thing to do, and we've all had to do it. Living out of boxes, and searching through plastic sacks for my shampoo is just generally annoying. I have hope that we both know this is not a PERMANENT situation. In fact, it seems the boy's sister might be moving out of her place, which would be perfect for us to move into. So let's all cross our fingers that this will work out properly for all involved parties!
So, anyway, after the vacation at the beach, it was really hard to come back to Seattle and feel kind of homeless. I really wanted to stay in Oregon for another month and just hang out with my kids and visit some old friends, and then go to Burning Man at the end... but that didn't happen. Instead, here I am feeling a bit weird in the suburbs.
Continuing on this seemingly endless job search may be easier here, let's hope so. On the other hand, let's hope that if I do get a job suddenly that I can still get time off to go to the desert this year.
Speaking of the desert... I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of nervous about it. I think I'm nervous because I'm camping with some people I've never camped with before, and it will be exciting to see the different and new dynamic in this new camp. My old home camp, the Vomiting Sparrows, is totally amazing, but I have felt a shift the past two years that I am not comfortable with entirely and have sought new grounds. This year will be those new grounds on the desert.
I am not ready... much much packing and purchasing and resting and prepping to be done before the Man burns.
To go back to the start of this post, I miss my kids, and I hope I can make it down to see them again soon. I only hope they will understand someday why I moved so far away from them. To make myself happy, so I guess I'll try harder to actually BE happy.
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