Today was a very bad day. Long story short, I was told to not come to work until I talked with my manager. Fine, I will do that. (If you want details, ask me, I will tell) So, good news is that I didn't have to wake up again at 4 a.m. which is why I'm awake NOW!!!
So, I had a really horrible day in general, and spent a lot of time crying and my eyes burned awhile, and then I decided to stop. What happens in my life is usually in my hands, and what happens in this situation is completely in my own hands!!!
I know I am stuck in this stupid stupid work area which I dislike very much, and it's a never ending circle of bill-paying/working/billpaying etc. like most of everyone else, so I know I'm not alone in this. I've been pointing my inner self northward, and I think this is just one more thing to make me jump that direction.
Since I didn't have to wake up early, I decided to go out with some friends, and in the process ran into a few friends I haven't seen in a looooong time. All of which encouraged me to leave my current situation and go north. None of these friends knew of what happened today, so that just added some fuel to my fire in the best of ways. All along, some of the friends who knew what happened told me to not worry and that the grand scheme will not be changed either way. Everyone is right.
I'm so thankful for them. I'm so thankful for my life, even when it is a ball of drama, and of unknowing, and I'm really really really scared out of my mind, but I will take life either way, good or bad.... knowing that it is my own choosing. Maybe it has to be bad before the good can truly show the path to me.
Anyway, on the way home tonight it was really snowing hard. I got all the way to Round Lake Rd., was going about 25 m.p.h. and slid off the road and hit a tree with my truck. Literally smacked right into it. It was scary. After a few minutes of sitting there in the ditch in shock, I did the following.
1. Said a prayer to whoever is listening.
2. My truck started first try.
3. I turned on the hubs into four-wheel-drive (remembering my dad all along, as he showed me how years ago, and said a thankyou to him)
4. Got back into the truck and pulled out of the ditch in 4-wheel-drive.
5. Drove home and got home safely.
I don't believe this could have been possible without the protection of my dad and brother. I think they are my angels. Maybe not the 'angelic winged' kind, but the kind who know when I need help, physical & emotional and are there to deliver it.
There is something beyond this world, some kind of 'heaven' and I am soo sooo thankful my family has my back.
This whole day , evening, has led me to believe that I am meant for some greater purpose. My friends and family have helped me remember to not lose focus of what I am doing, of where I am going. I am meant to go north, I am meant for a greater life outside of these walls.
It just took a really hard lesson for me to learn and I have.
Thankyou to all of you who helped.
Humble.... I am ever humble and in thanks and in love. Yes in love. But that is a whole different story...
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Some Random info. about Myself
1. I hate rollercoasters and or anything that has to do with "fast riding." I really really hate them all. And by hate, I mean I will throw up and get SERIOUS anxiety attacks. I went on a rollercoaster all of twice in my life and both times ended up crying. Including Space Mountain at Disneyland... that stuff SERIOUSLY scares me, OK.
2. I am REALLY short. It's annoying. Most people don't realize how annoyed I really am by my height, or lack thereof. I mean, I don't really notice how short I am until I am in a store, say, and a 6 year old walks by and is a head taller than me. Or when I'm next to someone like Ryan, standing up, and he's like twice my height. Or when I can't see the tops of fridges, reach stuff on shelves, or fit in position 69 well. Damn, it sucks to be so short. I'm only 5 foot Zero and to this I say, "F*ck you bad genes!!!"
2.5 And speaking of being short, it sucks that most of USA associates shortness with youth. I KNOW this is part of why I don't look my age- 29 - and so f*ck off stranger. Sorry, I can't grow anymore, what the hell. I get so sick of hearing "You don't look your age." I really WANT to look my age thankyou, then maybe more people would have respect for me. Or maybe not, cuz I'm kindof an outrageous bitch. How's that for 29?!
3. I have an irrational fear of being alone. I'm not sure what this stems from. And by alone, I don't mean like 'emotionally' alone; like physically left alone being the last one in the world and not knowing what to do. I don't even like being in my own house alone for too long. Although on the other side, I love spending time alone and I love to just chill and relax by myself. Sometimes I am quite antisocial believe it or not.
4. I can't remember what my natural hair color is. Surprise surprise. It's some shade of ugly dirty blonde. When I was very young, I had very long, very white blonde hair. As I got older it got brown and mousyish so I began dying it. And the first color I ever dyed it was blue. After that was red. Since then, it's been nothing but chaos.
4.5 Speaking of hair, I am also very proud of the fact that I look damn cute with really short hair; not many girls can say that. So to all you "long haired" girls who are too scared to cut your hair, I say "GOOD! PUSSY! More hot guys for me"
5. When I was a little kid, I used to be REALLY afraid of cows. We lived in the middle of nowhere, see, and cows used to roam freely in my yard. I was like a foot tall probably, and cows are still big to humans. The first dream I remember is of two cows- a black one and an orange one- stomping on me; they were on their hind legs and just massacreing me. I started screaming; my mom says to this day she thought something TERRIBLE was happening. Well, it was in my head, the cows were killing me. Now I choose to kill them, figuratively, and eat them. So take that and like it cows.
6. I really miss when I used to wear makeup every day. Now when I wear it, people ask disgustedly, "Are you wearing makeup" Incredulous of me, I know, but sometimes I just want to look cute OK. So the next time you see me with make up on, shut the Hell up, unless you're going to say, "Hey it looks cute."
7. I used to have really small boobs and now I still have small ish boobs, but they're my favorite part of my body. I used to stand in front of the mirror and wish I had cleavage. It's still new to me, this whole cleavage idea, and I freaking love it. Good game, self, good game. And to the boobs I say, "Thankyou for breastfeeding two kids." And also, if you ever have the pleasure of getting naked with me, don't forget about my boobs. They're nice, ask anyone.....
8. Hallucinogens are a HUGE part of why my memory doesn't work as well as it once did; and truthfully I don't know if ever worked right in the first place. They changed my life over the course of time and only for good. To EVERY single person I've ever tripped with, been around while I was tripping, etc... I say, I LOVE YOU! Thankyou for being there.
9. I figured out that I've been in three, count 'em, three emotionally abusive relationships in a row (and one was physically abusive for a second). This streak has got to break, and I'm trying that starting right now. Let's all hope this time it works.
10. I really like writing and reading and when I grow up someday I would love to write a memoir. I guess I could start now, huh? Memoirs are my favorite kind of books and I really like to read them. My life is fun sometimes, so I guess other people might want to read about it, and if they don't, well f*ck those guys.
11. Is my favorite number. But once it was 3. And once it was 14. And no, these aren't the number of people I've slept with. ELEVEN just sounds cool. Three was my favorite when I was little. I don't know why.
12. I get really freaking sick of people who expect me to know what the Hell I'm doing with my life, like I have some grand plan. I don't have a clue. The only reason I'm going to college is because I got divorced and found out my ex was cheating on me with a girl whom he ended up marrying who is now raising my kids and oh yeah the mormons didn't tell me that was possible... and in my naive youth I once thought I'd be married forever. Plan "B" is school, and God knows why I'm here. Do I care? Not really. I just try to be happy, so PLEASE screw off with your "get your life together" bullshit.
This is why I surround myself with good people.
13. I nearly always put in more to relationships than I ever get out of them. One time it was equal, and now all I can do is hope to get that chance someday again, either with him or someone else.
14. Once I was naked with this guy in his bed, and we didn't have sex. I'm glad in retrospect that nothing happened. Nowadays I still know this man, and I'm secretly "in love"with the kind of man he is now. I guess it's not a secret anymore. And by "in love" I mean, he's the kind of man I would love to be with. He rocks!
14. I love my friends. All of you who are reading this, thankyou, and if you're not, well, then I love you anyway. I would give all of me to you if necessary. Thankyou for reading.
2. I am REALLY short. It's annoying. Most people don't realize how annoyed I really am by my height, or lack thereof. I mean, I don't really notice how short I am until I am in a store, say, and a 6 year old walks by and is a head taller than me. Or when I'm next to someone like Ryan, standing up, and he's like twice my height. Or when I can't see the tops of fridges, reach stuff on shelves, or fit in position 69 well. Damn, it sucks to be so short. I'm only 5 foot Zero and to this I say, "F*ck you bad genes!!!"
2.5 And speaking of being short, it sucks that most of USA associates shortness with youth. I KNOW this is part of why I don't look my age- 29 - and so f*ck off stranger. Sorry, I can't grow anymore, what the hell. I get so sick of hearing "You don't look your age." I really WANT to look my age thankyou, then maybe more people would have respect for me. Or maybe not, cuz I'm kindof an outrageous bitch. How's that for 29?!
3. I have an irrational fear of being alone. I'm not sure what this stems from. And by alone, I don't mean like 'emotionally' alone; like physically left alone being the last one in the world and not knowing what to do. I don't even like being in my own house alone for too long. Although on the other side, I love spending time alone and I love to just chill and relax by myself. Sometimes I am quite antisocial believe it or not.
4. I can't remember what my natural hair color is. Surprise surprise. It's some shade of ugly dirty blonde. When I was very young, I had very long, very white blonde hair. As I got older it got brown and mousyish so I began dying it. And the first color I ever dyed it was blue. After that was red. Since then, it's been nothing but chaos.
4.5 Speaking of hair, I am also very proud of the fact that I look damn cute with really short hair; not many girls can say that. So to all you "long haired" girls who are too scared to cut your hair, I say "GOOD! PUSSY! More hot guys for me"
5. When I was a little kid, I used to be REALLY afraid of cows. We lived in the middle of nowhere, see, and cows used to roam freely in my yard. I was like a foot tall probably, and cows are still big to humans. The first dream I remember is of two cows- a black one and an orange one- stomping on me; they were on their hind legs and just massacreing me. I started screaming; my mom says to this day she thought something TERRIBLE was happening. Well, it was in my head, the cows were killing me. Now I choose to kill them, figuratively, and eat them. So take that and like it cows.
6. I really miss when I used to wear makeup every day. Now when I wear it, people ask disgustedly, "Are you wearing makeup" Incredulous of me, I know, but sometimes I just want to look cute OK. So the next time you see me with make up on, shut the Hell up, unless you're going to say, "Hey it looks cute."
7. I used to have really small boobs and now I still have small ish boobs, but they're my favorite part of my body. I used to stand in front of the mirror and wish I had cleavage. It's still new to me, this whole cleavage idea, and I freaking love it. Good game, self, good game. And to the boobs I say, "Thankyou for breastfeeding two kids." And also, if you ever have the pleasure of getting naked with me, don't forget about my boobs. They're nice, ask anyone.....
8. Hallucinogens are a HUGE part of why my memory doesn't work as well as it once did; and truthfully I don't know if ever worked right in the first place. They changed my life over the course of time and only for good. To EVERY single person I've ever tripped with, been around while I was tripping, etc... I say, I LOVE YOU! Thankyou for being there.
9. I figured out that I've been in three, count 'em, three emotionally abusive relationships in a row (and one was physically abusive for a second). This streak has got to break, and I'm trying that starting right now. Let's all hope this time it works.
10. I really like writing and reading and when I grow up someday I would love to write a memoir. I guess I could start now, huh? Memoirs are my favorite kind of books and I really like to read them. My life is fun sometimes, so I guess other people might want to read about it, and if they don't, well f*ck those guys.
11. Is my favorite number. But once it was 3. And once it was 14. And no, these aren't the number of people I've slept with. ELEVEN just sounds cool. Three was my favorite when I was little. I don't know why.
12. I get really freaking sick of people who expect me to know what the Hell I'm doing with my life, like I have some grand plan. I don't have a clue. The only reason I'm going to college is because I got divorced and found out my ex was cheating on me with a girl whom he ended up marrying who is now raising my kids and oh yeah the mormons didn't tell me that was possible... and in my naive youth I once thought I'd be married forever. Plan "B" is school, and God knows why I'm here. Do I care? Not really. I just try to be happy, so PLEASE screw off with your "get your life together" bullshit.
This is why I surround myself with good people.
13. I nearly always put in more to relationships than I ever get out of them. One time it was equal, and now all I can do is hope to get that chance someday again, either with him or someone else.
14. Once I was naked with this guy in his bed, and we didn't have sex. I'm glad in retrospect that nothing happened. Nowadays I still know this man, and I'm secretly "in love"with the kind of man he is now. I guess it's not a secret anymore. And by "in love" I mean, he's the kind of man I would love to be with. He rocks!
14. I love my friends. All of you who are reading this, thankyou, and if you're not, well, then I love you anyway. I would give all of me to you if necessary. Thankyou for reading.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thankful. Love. Etc.
HOLIDAYS!!! I actually give Christmas a YEA. I love holidays. I love carols, and snow outside, and good feelings from looking at xmas lights, and opening presents, and children laughing and stuff.... I've always loved Christmas, and this year is no different.
Recently I've had the pleasure of having life go my way. This makes me happy, how could it not? The man I have feelings for actually has feelings back, similar to the ones I have for him. That's a nice feeling- reciprocation is a rarity in my life. The teensy weensy problem is that I am currently living 464 miles away from him. BIIIIG SIGH. No, friends, this was NOT an internet romance (not that there's anything wrong with those, I have some RAD craig's list friends these days, both named Nate weirdly enough) but anyway.... we're just far away from each other. Which leads me to trying even HARDER to get north by the summer. And hopefully sooner if possible.
Needless to say, I'm freaking walking on cloud nine lately. My head is in the clouds in every good way. I like this one. I mean, really really really really like, a whole bunch. And he likes me! What the Hell!!! This whole thing is reminding me that timing is truly important in my life, and it has always been off until now. I don't know what happened in the air to make our paths crash, but I'm really thankful they have. He is so .... comfortable. And sexy. And amazing. And truthful. And he sings and plays guitar. And accepting. And smart. And sweet. And a-ma-zing. So, for the past three years or so, there's been this whole thing waiting to happen and finally it has and damn if I didn't see it coming. It has been surprising and still kind-of is honestly. I'm not sure it is really real, but the lines of reality in my life have always been blurry.
So, just wanted to shout it from the mountaintops. I'm totally happy. I'm totally blessed. I'm totally thankful. I'm totally loved. And this IS my life. Jeeze, I'm lucky. This is just one of the many many things I have to feel lucky about, and the point of this whole bloggity blog is to let everyone know.
Recently I've had the pleasure of having life go my way. This makes me happy, how could it not? The man I have feelings for actually has feelings back, similar to the ones I have for him. That's a nice feeling- reciprocation is a rarity in my life. The teensy weensy problem is that I am currently living 464 miles away from him. BIIIIG SIGH. No, friends, this was NOT an internet romance (not that there's anything wrong with those, I have some RAD craig's list friends these days, both named Nate weirdly enough) but anyway.... we're just far away from each other. Which leads me to trying even HARDER to get north by the summer. And hopefully sooner if possible.
Needless to say, I'm freaking walking on cloud nine lately. My head is in the clouds in every good way. I like this one. I mean, really really really really like, a whole bunch. And he likes me! What the Hell!!! This whole thing is reminding me that timing is truly important in my life, and it has always been off until now. I don't know what happened in the air to make our paths crash, but I'm really thankful they have. He is so .... comfortable. And sexy. And amazing. And truthful. And he sings and plays guitar. And accepting. And smart. And sweet. And a-ma-zing. So, for the past three years or so, there's been this whole thing waiting to happen and finally it has and damn if I didn't see it coming. It has been surprising and still kind-of is honestly. I'm not sure it is really real, but the lines of reality in my life have always been blurry.
So, just wanted to shout it from the mountaintops. I'm totally happy. I'm totally blessed. I'm totally thankful. I'm totally loved. And this IS my life. Jeeze, I'm lucky. This is just one of the many many things I have to feel lucky about, and the point of this whole bloggity blog is to let everyone know.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sutter Home White Zinfandel/Dilemma
Is really cheap wine. Yet every time I drink it, I feel soooo glorious inside. And I am NO wine snob, sir. So I have a sort-of dilemma. I kind-of like this guy. I don't really know what to do about it. Do I tell him? Do I stay quiet? In the past, I've had no problems just speaking my feelings as bluntly as possible. I am usually a firm believer in the fact that life is too short to NOT speak ones feelings, especially when it comes to these matters of the heart. (cheesy I know) This has sometimes gone in my favor, and sometimes not, but this time.... I really don't know what to do. Do I dive in and just drop the bomb? Does he already know? (It's a possibility) Does ANY of it matter anyway?! GRRR.
I'm a little bit afraid. Wait, no, I'm a LOT afraid. Of what? You may be asking yourself. Well, I don't really know what I'm afraid of either. Awkwardness, the feeling not being reciprocated, the feeling definitely being reciprocated, maybe it's NOT a real feeling at all, and I'm just imagining it. I don't know anymore!!!
I do know that I'm not too afraid to write in this blog about it, I guess that's a step in one direction. Which direction.... yet ANOTHER I don't know answer. Anyway, the time I spend and the time I have spent in the past with this person is very very very near and dear to me. I'm having a hard time just blowing it off. I'm having trouble just telling myself to let it go and not worry about it. Worry isn't really the right word, so much as, figure it out in your head silly goose.
I do know a few things.
.5. I think this guy is possibly interested me too, but I'm kind-of afraid to find out either way. I mean, if it's not at the same level, that's going to suck.
.7. And if I knew what that level was for myself, it'd be easier for me to explain and talk to him about it.
1. If this is an opportunity truly showing itself for me, I would have to be freaking STUPID to not grab onto it.
2. If this did pass me by, and this guy gets some other lucky girl, I'd be pretty let down in myself for not taking the chance when I had it in the first place.
3. That 'other' girl would be DAMN lucky to have such a great guy
4. Why can't I be that girl?!
5. I CAN!!!
The end. For now anyway. *this post brought to you by Sutter Home White Zin, the letter E, and the number 31*
I'm a little bit afraid. Wait, no, I'm a LOT afraid. Of what? You may be asking yourself. Well, I don't really know what I'm afraid of either. Awkwardness, the feeling not being reciprocated, the feeling definitely being reciprocated, maybe it's NOT a real feeling at all, and I'm just imagining it. I don't know anymore!!!
I do know that I'm not too afraid to write in this blog about it, I guess that's a step in one direction. Which direction.... yet ANOTHER I don't know answer. Anyway, the time I spend and the time I have spent in the past with this person is very very very near and dear to me. I'm having a hard time just blowing it off. I'm having trouble just telling myself to let it go and not worry about it. Worry isn't really the right word, so much as, figure it out in your head silly goose.
I do know a few things.
.5. I think this guy is possibly interested me too, but I'm kind-of afraid to find out either way. I mean, if it's not at the same level, that's going to suck.
.7. And if I knew what that level was for myself, it'd be easier for me to explain and talk to him about it.
1. If this is an opportunity truly showing itself for me, I would have to be freaking STUPID to not grab onto it.
2. If this did pass me by, and this guy gets some other lucky girl, I'd be pretty let down in myself for not taking the chance when I had it in the first place.
3. That 'other' girl would be DAMN lucky to have such a great guy
4. Why can't I be that girl?!
5. I CAN!!!
The end. For now anyway. *this post brought to you by Sutter Home White Zin, the letter E, and the number 31*
November November November!
I honestly have no idea where the hell the whole last year went. One day I'm minding my own business, the next second it's all "Hey! Stupid! It's 2009, nearly 20-10!!!" And I have decided that when it becomes 2010, I'm going to pronounce it like "twenty ten" rather than "two thousand ten" cuz shoot, I feel like it. And then every year after that I'm going say "twenty" at the beginning, just because I can.
After that last post about being happy, I did indeed take a road trip and it made me VERY happy. I had soooo much undeniable fun on that trip. At first I was quite apprehensive to go to Seattle, but the feeling quickly disappeared as my host was quite amazing in every possible way. I couldn't have asked for any more greatness. That was followed by a trip to Portland for HOWL, which was more fun beyond any fun-ness in my life as of late. What a party, so many beautiful people in costumes, so many chirping sparrows, so many new friends and so much pants on (and pants off) to be enjoyed.
Since then I've been back in Klamath Falls at home, working, staying home, not really doing much else, which is OK for now.
I'm trying to focus on getting out of this town for good, because I really just want to expand my horizon. Also trying to focus on being happy every day even when I don't feel like it. Which is often.
I am planning another trip Northward to Seattle to visit the same friend and am looking forward to that like is there no tomorrow.
This Friday I get to have my kids for the weekend, and we are going out with my mom to her favorite restaurant for belated birthday celebrations. (p.s. happy birthday today mom, love you!)
Good times are upon us all.
After that last post about being happy, I did indeed take a road trip and it made me VERY happy. I had soooo much undeniable fun on that trip. At first I was quite apprehensive to go to Seattle, but the feeling quickly disappeared as my host was quite amazing in every possible way. I couldn't have asked for any more greatness. That was followed by a trip to Portland for HOWL, which was more fun beyond any fun-ness in my life as of late. What a party, so many beautiful people in costumes, so many chirping sparrows, so many new friends and so much pants on (and pants off) to be enjoyed.
Since then I've been back in Klamath Falls at home, working, staying home, not really doing much else, which is OK for now.
I'm trying to focus on getting out of this town for good, because I really just want to expand my horizon. Also trying to focus on being happy every day even when I don't feel like it. Which is often.
I am planning another trip Northward to Seattle to visit the same friend and am looking forward to that like is there no tomorrow.
This Friday I get to have my kids for the weekend, and we are going out with my mom to her favorite restaurant for belated birthday celebrations. (p.s. happy birthday today mom, love you!)
Good times are upon us all.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Loneliest Time
Oct. 30th 1999 was my wedding day.... only to lead to a divorce in April 2004.
Oct. 30th 2008 was the day my father died.
Which was followed by March 26, 2009 when my older brother Craig died.
Needless to say, it hasn't been a good year.
Right now it's Oct. 26, 1:18 AM and I'm surrounded by loneliness. When I see my ex husband I can only wonder how his life is these days, as we don't talk, other than small exchanges when picking up our children from each other's houses. You know OUR children, the ones we formed together, but that's pretty much the only good we had at the time. These days, I assume his life is good, he's married with a new baby, they do an excellent job at raising our children.... but I don't ask. I just say hello and maybe tell him something personal about how it's hard to live at home, and he maybe says something personal about ... oh wait, he doesn't say anything except "sorry" and in these words there is so much more meaning but the moment passes because what do you say to someone you're no longer in love with and you're only there to exchange children?
You want to say "It's OK. Everything is OK. Everything involving me or you past present future has been/is/ and will be fine." But you don't, because you're scared. Scared to even tell this person that you think the world of him for doing a fine job of raising your own children, and he has become a fine man. And there are too many what ifs and should haves for you to even sleep at this point even though you have been laying in bed for 2 hours trying.
Tears streaming out of the eyes not sure what they are for, or about, but they exist and they feel like knives cutting open the retinas. Look closer. Look closer. Quit looking already, there's nothing left to see.
The loneliest times are these when one is surrounded by pain and grief and knowing logically that there is joy present as well but finding it hard to find right now. But who the hell are you to tell me that it's fine to feel this way? I already know it's fine. I already know. I'm not the first one to have lost a father/a brother/ a husband/ her children....
Grief is weird in the fact that I feel so fucking alone and know that I'm not. I know that so many people have gone and are going through so many worse things and then I feel guilt for feeling my own pain but I have to because I don't know what else to do, and I think "well at least I feel something right now" and soon this pain feeling will turn into happiness; it always does.
Which leads me to question what really makes me happy? Do I even know anymore? Not the obvious answers like "a roof over your head" and "spending time with your children"? Does anyone know what makes them happy? Do I know? Do I? It's a good question which at this moment is not really having any answers but it's OK, truly OK, because I'll know it when I feel it. And I will. In a few days I'll find happiness in another town, with my friends, with my family, with myself.
Til then I suppose I will lay in my bed feeling lonely and grieving and searching for the sun outside my window till the night becomes dawn and the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning....
Oct. 30th 2008 was the day my father died.
Which was followed by March 26, 2009 when my older brother Craig died.
Needless to say, it hasn't been a good year.
Right now it's Oct. 26, 1:18 AM and I'm surrounded by loneliness. When I see my ex husband I can only wonder how his life is these days, as we don't talk, other than small exchanges when picking up our children from each other's houses. You know OUR children, the ones we formed together, but that's pretty much the only good we had at the time. These days, I assume his life is good, he's married with a new baby, they do an excellent job at raising our children.... but I don't ask. I just say hello and maybe tell him something personal about how it's hard to live at home, and he maybe says something personal about ... oh wait, he doesn't say anything except "sorry" and in these words there is so much more meaning but the moment passes because what do you say to someone you're no longer in love with and you're only there to exchange children?
You want to say "It's OK. Everything is OK. Everything involving me or you past present future has been/is/ and will be fine." But you don't, because you're scared. Scared to even tell this person that you think the world of him for doing a fine job of raising your own children, and he has become a fine man. And there are too many what ifs and should haves for you to even sleep at this point even though you have been laying in bed for 2 hours trying.
Tears streaming out of the eyes not sure what they are for, or about, but they exist and they feel like knives cutting open the retinas. Look closer. Look closer. Quit looking already, there's nothing left to see.
The loneliest times are these when one is surrounded by pain and grief and knowing logically that there is joy present as well but finding it hard to find right now. But who the hell are you to tell me that it's fine to feel this way? I already know it's fine. I already know. I'm not the first one to have lost a father/a brother/ a husband/ her children....
Grief is weird in the fact that I feel so fucking alone and know that I'm not. I know that so many people have gone and are going through so many worse things and then I feel guilt for feeling my own pain but I have to because I don't know what else to do, and I think "well at least I feel something right now" and soon this pain feeling will turn into happiness; it always does.
Which leads me to question what really makes me happy? Do I even know anymore? Not the obvious answers like "a roof over your head" and "spending time with your children"? Does anyone know what makes them happy? Do I know? Do I? It's a good question which at this moment is not really having any answers but it's OK, truly OK, because I'll know it when I feel it. And I will. In a few days I'll find happiness in another town, with my friends, with my family, with myself.
Til then I suppose I will lay in my bed feeling lonely and grieving and searching for the sun outside my window till the night becomes dawn and the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning....
Monday, September 21, 2009
It's Saturday approx. 6:30 AM sept. 19 2009
Sky is the best shade of orange and purple with cloudy almost fall shades coming in. Sounds of city garbage trucks, highway noise. Blue powerade (the blue) , shirt falling off, chewing on my own tongue thinking of someone else chewing on his own tongue, wishing I wasn't so damn alone. Even at Burning Man I couldn't stay awake this long, what the fuck? I broke my own record. The sunrises I've seen in K. Falls - the ones I remember- I don't know why- I was dating Matt Floyd at the time, we were in turmoil, I went up to Kimberly Drive about 1997ish and the sun came up over the city. Bubble Park, Mike, Nate, Me, 1999ish lost in the bubble world. till this year, nowish, 2009ish, February coming down off of something really fun with (taken with N and M) in my own shower, alone, watching the beautiful sun come up through the shower window. Another shower taken at J.T's house and the same drugs. Sunrise after donkey fest May 2009... tears, crying til I could cry no more. And NOW in Sept. just back from the burn. Saw a play at the Linkville, went to Waldo's , went to B and M's house , took some ___ and some ____ and made out with Lucas in his car, kissed Eli at his house, walked back to Bob's and right then the sun was coming up over the Lake. Missing P_ my playa lover, or at least I wish he was- so much it hurts. Missing S--- my ex boyfriend, missing men in general. *this is the point where I began crying and texting... crying so hard I couldn't breathe. It was cathartic, terrible, and amazing all at once* My next thoughts were: No more drugs at 4 AM or actually it's the PERFECT time to do them next year you f*cking idiot.
S in my head :"do more drugs"
me "my face is melting off"
p: "I need another glowstick!"
Now it's saturday. Begin.
S in my head :"do more drugs"
me "my face is melting off"
p: "I need another glowstick!"
Now it's saturday. Begin.
April 17, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
 | Current mood:journaly This one time it's Friday and when you wake up it's Wednesday or possibly Sunday but you really don't care what fucking day it is because everything is really not real and days run into nights running into days running into afternoons mornings and lunches and dinners and drinks and hey how are yous and I don't give a shit how you are because you really don't want to know the real answer the that question anyway so why bother asking it if you really don't care then shut up!!! what do you want you say to me what do you want i'd really love for my family to be alive again i'd really love to not be single i'd really love to find the 'one' but all of these things no one can give to me and again i say good day sir! the point is if it's easy for you then follow it, then follow those paths, do what's good for you, do what's not harmful for yourself for mankind for the spirit of doing good things cuz you think it makes your own life better. Well, I say fuck your life, fuck it, what does it matter anyway and then you find out that while your dad died and your brother died there was this friend of yours who was on drugs and tried to kill herself like you could have the capacity to deal with any more death right now or have any kind of sympathy for such selfishness while there are wars being waged in the name of 'god' and 'humankind' well shit what can i do i'm helpless in that whole situation and yes it breaks my heart but really what can i do besides be sad inside about the fall of humanity and the people everywhere being killed and how can i be so hyppocritical as to give a shit about my own sadness when i live in such a 'free' country but damn i'm only human i'm only a woman i'm only myself so i just look away and probably cry a little bit. And i ask you to leave me alone but really what i want is a goddamn apology for all that you took for granted just say you're sorry and i'll let it go cuz you don't know me you only know what you choose to see you only know your point of view and it's obviously fucking skewed so shut up please just shut up and get out of my face unless you have something useful to say to me. yeah i'm bitter yeah i'm jaded yeah i'm old and have 'baggage' and i've made choices i'm not proud of i've made choices that have affected other people's lives negatively and affected my own life in a way i'd never have imagined i've made choices that have a positive affect on everyone around me and have a positive affect on myself and i'm proud of those decisions the ones i can look back on and be proud. I can also look back and learn because finally it took me all this time to learn from the things i've experienced. i'm dealing with my life and i don't like it sometimes in fact i hate it sometimes but right now i like it a little bit, i like that i can feel the pain i like that i can feel the sun i like to eat eggs i like to taste food i like to drink water i like to have conversations with people i would never have talked to before because who knows if i'll ever see them again and really who cares?! i never wished i was dead and i'd never wish that feeling on anyone else. i feel sad and i feel happy and i feel like nothing and everything matters all at once and all i can say is damn i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive |
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A note to my brother Craig
Craig,
How I love you. I can't believe I won't have you there at your own funeral to be a jackass with, I sincerely hope that you are looking down and laughing your ass off.... :) I miss you. This is hard. So hard. What to do without the one and only Kreg around? I've never felt so much sorrow in my entire life as I have when I found out you were no longer of this world. The only good feeling I have is that now you're with dad and you guys are chillin' waiting for us to get with you. I don't want this to happen. I don't like it at all. I'm so glad for the opportunity I had to get to know you at dad's funeral, and the chance you got to know me. I'm so thankful for our last conversation, the 5 minutes on the phone a few weeks ago. You just simply called to tell me you love me and you are proud. I hope as I live my life from now on, I continue to make you (and dad) proud. My brother, my friend, my life.... I love you. Always,
Your baby sister,
Erika
How I love you. I can't believe I won't have you there at your own funeral to be a jackass with, I sincerely hope that you are looking down and laughing your ass off.... :) I miss you. This is hard. So hard. What to do without the one and only Kreg around? I've never felt so much sorrow in my entire life as I have when I found out you were no longer of this world. The only good feeling I have is that now you're with dad and you guys are chillin' waiting for us to get with you. I don't want this to happen. I don't like it at all. I'm so glad for the opportunity I had to get to know you at dad's funeral, and the chance you got to know me. I'm so thankful for our last conversation, the 5 minutes on the phone a few weeks ago. You just simply called to tell me you love me and you are proud. I hope as I live my life from now on, I continue to make you (and dad) proud. My brother, my friend, my life.... I love you. Always,
Your baby sister,
Erika
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Fool
The Fool card affirms that my alter ego today is a Quantam Leaper with a hero's heart. My superpower is liberated by free will and trust, which lead me to explore simple speculations for their own sake. I can move beyond the fear factor. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care where I've been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out. For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture. The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire. So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course. I'll never know until I try.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Burning Man is for Hippies and Freaks
And you all should come!!!!
http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=44748819058&h=wIlXF&u=aY714
http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=44748819058&h=wIlXF&u=aY714
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
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