Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my dad alive to talk to for just ONE second. I think of him sooooo much. The thing that pisses me off about death is that it's just so permanent. There's no coming back from there. I would love to just talk to him, to let him know I'm OK, and what I'm doing, and where I am. I would love for him to meet my boyfriend. I think they would have gotten along. He would be happy with the way my boyfriend treats me, and he would have respected above all else for that. If there is any ONE thing I miss about my dad, it's his voice. I'm so pissed that there are no recordings of it anywhere to be found. Pictures, videos, we have those, but without sound. Damn. Even if I DID get to see him for just one second, I know it wouldn't be enough and I'd need more. I feel like it would have been awesomest if we could just both have died at the same time. I mean, I'm glad I'm alive right now, but I'd have LOVED to have him around for 60 more years. Whenever I see an elderly person I get kind of mad inside because I feel that it's unfair that my dad never lived to see an elderly age. Totally lame, I know, but it's just something I keep in my head usually. Then I well up inside and feel like crying. It's such bullshit. Why? Why? Why? I know death is everyone's fate, but I truly hate that it happens to all of us. So stupid.
As far as my brother being dead, I took it so hard at the time. I ended up in shock in the E.R. for a day, because I was totally sure it wasn't really happening. We weren't all that close when he died, but the last time I saw him alive was at my father's funeral, when he left our family's house. The shock of knowing that I'd never get a chance to know him better was too much to take. It still sometimes IS too much to take. I wish I'd known him the same way his wife & daughters did. I wish I'd known him NOW, as an adult. One thing he said to me was that he was proud of the WOMAN I had become, and he was proud of me living on my own. It made me so happy to hear. I'd grown up in his eyes. No longer his baby sister, but a grown woman, his sister was 30... anyway, I miss him a lot and I wish he could also see where I am, what I've become, etc.
They say time heals all wounds. I disagree. Time is a tool to make the wounds seem less harsh. It's like neopsporin. The more you reapply the better it feels. I keep thinking that maybe one day it won't hurt anymore, maybe one day it will just feel OK again. But I am coming to realize that it won't feel better. It will ALWAYS hurt. It may hurt less some days, and it may hurt more other days, and even OTHER days it may feel like nothing. The key, to me, is to keep remembering them with love.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Some things about my parents that I like
1. My parents have shown me that being of service to other people makes me feel good. I'm not talking about donating money, or mowing lawns, or feeding the poor here. What I mean is doing good things for others. Telling my boyfriend I love him every day. Calling my children on a regular basis. Making the bed. Cleaning up after a mess, even when I didn't make it. Letting someone into the lane when I'm driving and they've been waiting for a while. Smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. These small things make me happy and I'm not going to stop now.
2. They never made me feel poor. We always had what we needed, we never felt poor. We were DIRT poor I realize as I've grown up. My dad had to struggle and work really hard for the little money that we DID make. But we always had what we needed. We had food, a nice house, cars, clothes, friends, birthday presents, etc. Even when I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was in second grade we couldn't afford it, so my mom made me one instead of buying one. She even had a cabbage patch label on her overalls. Of course she didn't look quite the same, but I treasured her more than any other doll I ever got. A few years later I received a REAL cabbage patch doll and the two were sisters. I have both of them to this day, I will NEVER get rid of those dolls. Proof that my parents just wanted us to have what we wanted and would do whatever it took to achieve that.
3. All through high school, my mom packed my lunch because I am such a picky eater. I HATED school lunch. When I was younger my mom would put notes in my lunchbox that said things like "Have a nice day. I love you." because I missed my mom and was pretty anxious about leaving for a whole school day while she was at home. I'm thankful for those notes and for the yummy food I had.
4. Support. Lots of it. My dad would always support me, even though sometimes as first he'd be really angry. For instance, he was always willing to give me $5 even if it was the last $5 in his wallet. I was thankful. My parents always babysit my kids, for free which is above & beyond the call of grandparent duty. They always let me stay in their home for free. They gave me rides 24 miles in the middle of the night when I was working late and couldn't drive. The list goes on & on & on.
5. My dad was friendly toward everyone. Even complete strangers. This used to embarass me. I'd think "Why is talking to that man about the price of milk?" but then I realized as I got older that small talk is rare. People get busy in their daily lives and forget to just be nice to each other. We need to do that more often. It doesn't matter if the person smiles back, or talks back to you, and really... who cares? Be the FIRST one to say hello.
2. They never made me feel poor. We always had what we needed, we never felt poor. We were DIRT poor I realize as I've grown up. My dad had to struggle and work really hard for the little money that we DID make. But we always had what we needed. We had food, a nice house, cars, clothes, friends, birthday presents, etc. Even when I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was in second grade we couldn't afford it, so my mom made me one instead of buying one. She even had a cabbage patch label on her overalls. Of course she didn't look quite the same, but I treasured her more than any other doll I ever got. A few years later I received a REAL cabbage patch doll and the two were sisters. I have both of them to this day, I will NEVER get rid of those dolls. Proof that my parents just wanted us to have what we wanted and would do whatever it took to achieve that.
3. All through high school, my mom packed my lunch because I am such a picky eater. I HATED school lunch. When I was younger my mom would put notes in my lunchbox that said things like "Have a nice day. I love you." because I missed my mom and was pretty anxious about leaving for a whole school day while she was at home. I'm thankful for those notes and for the yummy food I had.
4. Support. Lots of it. My dad would always support me, even though sometimes as first he'd be really angry. For instance, he was always willing to give me $5 even if it was the last $5 in his wallet. I was thankful. My parents always babysit my kids, for free which is above & beyond the call of grandparent duty. They always let me stay in their home for free. They gave me rides 24 miles in the middle of the night when I was working late and couldn't drive. The list goes on & on & on.
5. My dad was friendly toward everyone. Even complete strangers. This used to embarass me. I'd think "Why is talking to that man about the price of milk?" but then I realized as I got older that small talk is rare. People get busy in their daily lives and forget to just be nice to each other. We need to do that more often. It doesn't matter if the person smiles back, or talks back to you, and really... who cares? Be the FIRST one to say hello.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Breaking the cycle
After another night of fight-talking with my boyfriend, I have reached a few answers to my own thoughts. While I may be batting for the same team he is on, he has a hard time remembering we are a team. Rather than pouring more of myself into forcing the issue in the ways that I do, I guess I can just try to take a step back and hope that he KNOWS I am on his side.
I have been too long in really terrible, horrible, relationships where the other person has treated me poorly. This has leftover actions on my part. Since all I have known for the past 10 years is my partner being an asshole and me having to fight back, it's just stuck in me. I don't know how to have a new outlook on life when my current boyfriend is nice to me. (USUALLY. Ha)Trying to break the cycle of bad relationship habits is very, very, very tough for me. I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides when usually that isn't the case.
One of the last times I saw my brother Craig alive, he told me "You need to learn to be less defensive and not take things so personally." He didn't know of my history with men, with relationships... all he knew is that I've dated some assholes (what a shame he can't meet the GOOD guy I finally have landed! Death is lame, but that's a whole different story) I need to actually take these words to heart and start trying, REALLY trying, to just let things go.
I am lucky to have found someone who wants to share my life, now I just need to find a new outlook, which is pretty hard so far. But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. All I can do is keep on trying.
I have been too long in really terrible, horrible, relationships where the other person has treated me poorly. This has leftover actions on my part. Since all I have known for the past 10 years is my partner being an asshole and me having to fight back, it's just stuck in me. I don't know how to have a new outlook on life when my current boyfriend is nice to me. (USUALLY. Ha)Trying to break the cycle of bad relationship habits is very, very, very tough for me. I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides when usually that isn't the case.
One of the last times I saw my brother Craig alive, he told me "You need to learn to be less defensive and not take things so personally." He didn't know of my history with men, with relationships... all he knew is that I've dated some assholes (what a shame he can't meet the GOOD guy I finally have landed! Death is lame, but that's a whole different story) I need to actually take these words to heart and start trying, REALLY trying, to just let things go.
I am lucky to have found someone who wants to share my life, now I just need to find a new outlook, which is pretty hard so far. But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. All I can do is keep on trying.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Home?
Update: Still feel like I don't have a place to call my own. Still hate living in a bedroom. Still feeling like crap 'cause I don't have a job. Still not knowing my purpose in being here, rather, not finding my only purpose to be enough. Totally feeling useless, but trying to find the good sides and "usefulness" of doing laundry, going grocery shopping, and doing other basic housewiving duties even though I don't have a baby and am not married. Basically, nothing mentally has changed since I came back from Burning Man. I love my boyfriend. He is the one I want to spend my life with. I love my friends here. Glad they support me in so many ways. Soooo.... all I need now is a bar to drink happy hour at for cheap, a job so I can DRINK at said bar, a place to live of my own. (of OUR own) I want to be domestic, I'm freaking good at it. I want to cook meals and clean the house and take care of a baby (this is totally the ex-mormon left in me) and guess what? I can't do any of these things 'cause I don't have a place. I am so freaking bored I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! People say "get a hobby" while they themselves have none, or have a job or kids to occupy their time. Idle hands are the devils work etc etc etc. To these people I say "Fuck off! I don't WANT a hobby." I want a couple of things:
a baby, or a job. Perhaps a job, then later a baby... that would be the preferred order. And just so you know, NO we are not trying for a baby currently, but I am certain we will have one or two someday in the future. It just feels as since I am just going to be spending most of my time sitting around doing nothing and have done so for 9 months now, well,.... I could at least be NOW doing something like raising another kid before I get too old. Anyway, that's enough for now, I guess. I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I don't really have anything positive to say. I'm a bummer of a person even to myself.
a baby, or a job. Perhaps a job, then later a baby... that would be the preferred order. And just so you know, NO we are not trying for a baby currently, but I am certain we will have one or two someday in the future. It just feels as since I am just going to be spending most of my time sitting around doing nothing and have done so for 9 months now, well,.... I could at least be NOW doing something like raising another kid before I get too old. Anyway, that's enough for now, I guess. I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I don't really have anything positive to say. I'm a bummer of a person even to myself.
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