A customer at work told me today that I have a great sing-songy
voice. I told him thank you because that was a great compliment to me
because I love to sing and I love music and my husband sings a choir. He
said that is fantastic. For some reason we developed a very quick
repertoire with each other. He kept using the military alphabet &
that was cool too, I told him so. I told him it is a very useful thing
to know and I was trying to practice my own military letters. He said,
"Do you know them all from alpha to zed?" I said, "I think so, I can
tell you if you really aren't sure." And he laughed and told me he
didn't need to quiz me! It was funny, we laughed together.
He
also poked a little bit of fun at me for not knowing where a Washington
town is, since I live here and all, but I told him I'm not native to
the area and so I didn't know where a lot of places are.
At
the end of our phone call I had to call him back, he needed to double
check something about where the package was getting shipped to. When I
called him back later, he told me that he really liked my voice, and it
seemed that I would be someone he would be friends with in real life. I
told him thank you and he would probably be my friend in real life too.
After
this conversation and finishing his order and shipping info, he told me
it's been great talking to me on the phone. I said thanks to him and he
made my day a lot better so I was glad there were great customers such
as him. He said, "Well have a nice life. I mean, night, I mean, both!
Have a nice life AND a nice night." I said, "You have a really nice life
and night too." It was so awesome!!
It's times like
this that really make me think about my life, and how ... I don't
know..... important and touching we can make each moment if we want to.
All it takes is a few kind words & a few extra moments with people, random strangers, and it's just not that hard.
It
reminded me of Burning Man, and how everyone there just LOVES. (Or at
least LIKES a lot) I want to bring this back to my life. I want this to
happen more often. I am thankful to this man, some random stranger, who
taught me today that it's OK sometimes to just let a guard down (within
good parameters) and talk to someone. Thank you, man, thank you. (I
know his name, but only from our phone call, and I will not share it
because I could definitely lose my job!!!!)
To finish, I'm pretty sure he wasn't flirting (well, maybe a little) because he was married, he was buying jewelry for his lady friend. Wife, girlfriend, etc. So, whatever, if it was flirting, then so be it, but I'm pretty sure it was definitely a genuine connection between strangers and it made me really happy. Dang.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
New Pregnancy
I was just reading through my blog and HOLY EMOTIONS!
Funnily enough, I think a few days after I wrote the last blog I found out I am pregnant again!
This is great news.
At first I didn't QUITE believe it- the two home tests said positive but I wasn't ready to be excited yet about it. I was still kind of like, "Well I hope this one sticks." As I told people and they were happy for me I felt weird not being able to return their happiness. I WANTED to, I was just afraid that if I let myself feel that it's real and actually happening that I'd miscarry again. (I know it's not logical, and I'm not logical basically EVER, so that thought shouldn't surprise any one I know.)
After a few weeks, I told everyone I knew. I turned 36 and had my first check up on my birthday May 1st. I was indeed, pregnant, just like the tests said. I felt excited and scared and super apprehensive. Plus I had to pee all the time already! Annoying!
The weeks have gone by and I was puking, every day at least coughing like I MIGHT throw up at any second and actually puking about twice a week. I had no appetite for about a month and that was an odd feeling- food just did not appeal to me whatsoever. Every day I woke up feeling like crap I felt OK about it because I knew it's just my body making a baby. I still wasn't sure if it was real, but was allowing myself some happiness about the situation.
Every morning I woke up and wasn't bleeding I felt happier.
On Monday, June 23rd, my husband & I went in for our second doctor's appointment. Luckily for me since I was so recently pregnant, I didn't have to do the crazy "let's draw 50 zillion vials of your blood" test. My doc had already done those tests so I didn't have to do them again! YESSSSS! I'm now 12 weeks pregnant, and at the end of my appointment my doc told me she's going to wait until next time to try to hear the heartbeat. I asked if we could please at least TRY. My husband chimed in and told me he thinks that the doc doesn't want me to be scared or disappointed if we couldn't find a heartbeat. I told him and the doc that I understand but I wanted to try anyway. So she did and it took about 5 seconds for a strong heartbeat to come through. At 155 beats a minute, everything sounded normal. It was super exciting and my husband's first time hearing such a thing. I thought his smile would surely crack through the windows and break them all open, it was so cute.
Now I'm beginning to feel happy and OK about being pregnant. My appetite is back, I don't feel super pukey all the time, and there's a heartbeat for now. One of my friends recently told me, "Everything's fine until it's not." That has become my mantra. There is nothing I can do one way or another to control if this baby sticks. I HOPE it does. I won't do drugs, or drink excessive alcohol, or smoke, or drive like a crazy person, etc. But other than that, it's not in my hands. I don't believe in God so I'm not going to say it's in God's hands either. It just IS. It's here, it's happening, it's my life.
On Tuesday we have an ultrasound to check for down syndrome - that will be another exciting step and I'm sure I'll update then.
Funnily enough, I think a few days after I wrote the last blog I found out I am pregnant again!
This is great news.
At first I didn't QUITE believe it- the two home tests said positive but I wasn't ready to be excited yet about it. I was still kind of like, "Well I hope this one sticks." As I told people and they were happy for me I felt weird not being able to return their happiness. I WANTED to, I was just afraid that if I let myself feel that it's real and actually happening that I'd miscarry again. (I know it's not logical, and I'm not logical basically EVER, so that thought shouldn't surprise any one I know.)
After a few weeks, I told everyone I knew. I turned 36 and had my first check up on my birthday May 1st. I was indeed, pregnant, just like the tests said. I felt excited and scared and super apprehensive. Plus I had to pee all the time already! Annoying!
The weeks have gone by and I was puking, every day at least coughing like I MIGHT throw up at any second and actually puking about twice a week. I had no appetite for about a month and that was an odd feeling- food just did not appeal to me whatsoever. Every day I woke up feeling like crap I felt OK about it because I knew it's just my body making a baby. I still wasn't sure if it was real, but was allowing myself some happiness about the situation.
Every morning I woke up and wasn't bleeding I felt happier.
On Monday, June 23rd, my husband & I went in for our second doctor's appointment. Luckily for me since I was so recently pregnant, I didn't have to do the crazy "let's draw 50 zillion vials of your blood" test. My doc had already done those tests so I didn't have to do them again! YESSSSS! I'm now 12 weeks pregnant, and at the end of my appointment my doc told me she's going to wait until next time to try to hear the heartbeat. I asked if we could please at least TRY. My husband chimed in and told me he thinks that the doc doesn't want me to be scared or disappointed if we couldn't find a heartbeat. I told him and the doc that I understand but I wanted to try anyway. So she did and it took about 5 seconds for a strong heartbeat to come through. At 155 beats a minute, everything sounded normal. It was super exciting and my husband's first time hearing such a thing. I thought his smile would surely crack through the windows and break them all open, it was so cute.
Now I'm beginning to feel happy and OK about being pregnant. My appetite is back, I don't feel super pukey all the time, and there's a heartbeat for now. One of my friends recently told me, "Everything's fine until it's not." That has become my mantra. There is nothing I can do one way or another to control if this baby sticks. I HOPE it does. I won't do drugs, or drink excessive alcohol, or smoke, or drive like a crazy person, etc. But other than that, it's not in my hands. I don't believe in God so I'm not going to say it's in God's hands either. It just IS. It's here, it's happening, it's my life.
On Tuesday we have an ultrasound to check for down syndrome - that will be another exciting step and I'm sure I'll update then.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Follow up to miscarriage.
The miscarriage from previous blog update- it stopped. Eventually. I bled for 3 weeks. It was awful. It was emotionally draining. It was fucked up, it was probably one of the most fucked up things I've ever had to deal with. Gah. Thank goodness for friends & family & the internet friends I have to help me get through that time of my life.
It took another month after I was done bleeding to finally feel not pregnant. It was crazy. It STILL affects me mentally because, of course, I notice OTHER pregnancies more. A bunch of my friends are pregnant. I'm jealous. I think, "Damn. I'd almost be __ pregnant. I'd know the gender by now." I also think, "I wonder what I'd look like, how much weight I'd gain. I hate being pregnant." Which is the truth- I am not a super happy glowy pregnant woman. I am a bitchy, sick, pukey, fat, whale pregnant woman. That part of me is glad to not be pregnant right now.
People tell me, "Well you can try again." And yes I KNOW we can try again, and we are actively trying again. (Having unprotected sex means there's a possibility to make babies everyone!! It's SCIENCE!) It hasn't been long (two months) and we're not yet pregnant. I know this is unrealistic but in keeping with my typical self, I feel like giving up. I'm old. (35 years old almost 36) I didn't really WANT to be an "old mom". But I won't give up, because DAMN I want another baby.
All I can do is hope it will work out better this time. In the meantime, I try to not be too jealous of my friends even though inside I'm screaming! I know myself, and jealousy has always been something I have a fairly difficult time dealing with. I'm learning. I'm getting better with time.
Please don't think that I don't love my two already existing kids any less. They've nothing to do with this. OBVIOUSLY I love them so fucking much. I'd take a bullet and a knife to the heart for my kids. (who wouldn't do the same for their own kids???!!!)
Just because I already have two kids doesn't mean I'm not allowed to want another one. I'm over people who try to make feel guilty about that shit. Especially in my situation- my kids don't live full time with me. (A choice I made long long ago in another lifetime.) So yeah, I'd love to have a kid live with me & my spouse and have it work it like I'd love it to. Maybe someday my own kids will live with me, who knows the future, but for now they don't, so fuck it. I'd love for my spouse to have a child of his own, and so would he. Why not?
My best friend has a baby. He is almost two months old. I love him so fiercely, like he is my own. She knows this and I hope it makes her happy and not weirded out. This is another thing that's so typical to me - of COURSE I would love that baby this much. His mom is my BEST FRIEND here. Duh. It's not creepy because I don't make it creepy. It makes me happy to have her in my life- and it makes me happy to be able to help her when she needs it, even just to have a short conversation about our rants over coffee- we both need them. I'm thankful. Plus she lets me hold her baby and that's obviously emotionally healing.
So there's an update. Done and done.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Miscarriage
Dec. 2013-- I found out I was pregnant with my third child! I'm SOOOO excited! I tell everyone I know. Before telling everyone I think, "If I have a miscarriage, I am going to have to tell everyone again. Oh well, I'll just deal with that later!"
Dec. 2013-- I feel sick all month long, which is apparently my body doing what it's supposed to do- I'm pregnant, so of course I feel sick, this is par for the course.
9 weeks pregnant---Jan. 2, 2014--Thursday----That night I begin spotting. Not too much blood, a tiny bit of blood clotting, but enough for me to worry. I don't have any pain, and the spotting stops within the hour. I don't examine the clots, because that's gross, but I did look at them for a bit, and some of them may have been baby sized. In fact, one clot is VERY baby sized, and I am 90% sure I can make out a tiny baby shape with nubs for body parts and all.... I can only think one thing: I lost the baby.
Jan. 3, 2014--- I call my doctor's office & explain the situation and my worries. The person on the other line tells me it's probably nothing to worry about because I didn't have any cramping and my spotting has stopped. My next pregnancy check up is on Jan 6th, wherein my husband & I are supposed to hear the heartbeat. The person at the doctor's office suggests I just wait until then to see what happens. Although I'm worried, and can't shake the feeling, I don't really have much else to do.
10 weeks pregnant---Jan 6th, 2014-- Monday--- I haven't slept much all weekend, 'cause I'm SUPER stressed out. What is going on with my body? Still no spotting & cramping, so somewhat hopeful. I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment to find out any news. 8:30 a.m. my phone rings. It's the nurse, she has to reschedule my appointment as my doctor is delivering other babies and unavailable. I begin BAWLING on the phone and explain my situation to the nurse. She is shocked that someone told me to wait this long to just "wait and see." She says she'll call me back.
----- 20 minutes later----- My doctor herself calls me. She sets me up with an ultrasound at the local hospital to hopefully see the heartbeat. I feel relief.
1:40 pm: Abdominal ultrasound -- They can only find the gestational sac, no heartbeat. I am not surprised or shocked by this news. It is really weird seeing the picture of my uterus with no baby inside- just an empty sac where a tiny baby should be.
Vaginal Ultrasound-- Same results. An empty sac, no heartbeat or signs of life.
2:10 pm: I leave the hospital feeling sad and unhopeful. I am cracking jokes to deal with the sadness I feel enveloping me.
5:30 pm: Speak to doctor again. She says I need to come in for another test. They will test my blood to see if I am indeed 10 weeks along. There is a small chance that I am only 5-6 weeks and maybe the baby just isn't visible yet. She apologizes for the emotional roller coaster I am on. I go along with this test, although I KNOW I am 10 weeks pregnant, my periods are like clockwork. I know it's already over, but what else can I do? I go along with the blood test.
That night I go with two of my best friends to dinner & ice cream. This helps my spirits lift a bit.
Jan. 7th, 2014--- Tuesday--- I go into the doctor's office to take a blood test. Then it's a waiting game.
I wait & wait & wait some more. A few hours later, the doc calls back. Indeed, my blood levels are at the level of a 10 week pregnancy. She apologizes again, and says her best guess is that the baby just stopped growing.
Of course on my own time I have researched miscarriages- what she says is true. Some chromosomes don't meld, and the baby quits growing and dies. There's no reason, no anything that makes it happen or not happen. There's nothing I could have done differently.
The doctor gives me three choices at this point.
Option1:
I can schedule a D&C :
(Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C) refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage).) --- from Wikipedia.org
She advises against this option, because it requires anesthesia, and it seems a bit "too much", like not necessary for how far along I am. (or was)
Option 2:
I can wait for my body to kick itself out of pregnancy mode & wait for my period to start naturally at which point I will pass all of the excess tissue out. This could happen at any time, and there's no telling when.
Option 3:
She can prescribe me some pills which are hormonal and force my period to start immediately.
I immediately opt for the third choice. I just want it to be done. My body still FEELS pregnant. It's been 5 days at this point since I haven't been pregnant, and I'm emotionally ready for it to be done. Just finished with it right now.
Doctor says I can think about it and call her back the next day, although I already know what I want to do.
January 8th, 2014, Wednesday
I decide 100% to take the pills. The doc calls in the prescription. My husband decides to take the next day off of work to help be there for me emotionally and physically if I need it.
This night I take the first round of pills. I have to take them vaginally, and they just dissolve. My period starts within an hour. No big deal. It's not like I haven't had a period approximately 6,917 times before. (yes, I calculated this number!). I think I can handle this.
January 9th, 2014, Thursday
The next night I take the second dose & last dose of pills. Period keeps going. I have light cramping, and a little blood, but it seems like no big deal.
January 10th, 2014, Friday through Jan 12th, 2014, Sunday
I am still bleeding lightly, but it's not seeming too bad. I feel like if ALL my periods can be this easy I would be happy. Not crampy too bad, just fine. Totally do-able. I should have knocked on wood because holy hell, the worse is upon me yet.
January 13th, 2014, Monday
I begin cramping that night. A lot. This feels like all of the cramping of labor but knowing that there will be no reward at the end. Now I'm emotional AND physically uncomfortable. Stupid thoughts enter my mind: What if that was the only egg that will EVER be viable forever? What if I can't get pregnant after this? What if I have another miscarriage, will I be able to deal with this? God damn, this hurts like hell. Some friends come out & tell me they've gone through it too. Good to know I'm not alone.
This night I go out & have my first glass of wine & a cider with some friends in Seattle. This helps. I missed alcohol, and I really need something to blur the edges of my life right now. The perfect solution. Thank goodness for friends.
Jan. 14th, 2014, Tuesday.
I wake up at 5:00 am and am bleeding through my pad into my underwear. Gross. I know it's not that much blood logically, but it sure looks and feels like so much blood. It feels like someone is wringing out my stomach like a washrag. I bleed through 4 pads in one hour. WTF! I feel like puking. Luckily I have a prescription for some anti-nausea meds which I immediately take & they help. I am awake until 7:30 am just feeling myself bleed, it's disgusting to say the least. Finally I fall back asleep. I sleep until noon.
I call my sister because it's her birthday. It's great to talk to her. She gives me really good advice and a good listening ear about miscarriages. She's gone through this before. Approximately 1/3 of women who get pregnant have a miscarriage. But NO ONE talks about it. Why? This is a LOT of people. WTF guys???!!! Anyway. It's great talking to her. I love her.
Jan. 15th, 2014, Wednesday
Oh my god. The globs that are leaving my body are unbelievable. What kind of stuff is up there anyway?? Gross. So much blood. So many goopy clots, and they are BIG. Every single one that passes through me I think, "Was that the baby? Was that the empty sac? Was THAT one the baby?" I am an emotional wreck and holy hell my body is in SO MUCH pain right now. I text some friends of mine, and send them pictures because I don't think I can believe the stuff that is leaving my body. It's emotionally overwhelming & I can't carry the weight alone anymore. Gross. Yay friends.
MORE friends come out of the woodwork and tell me they too have had miscarriages or know someone who has. This helps knowing I'm not alone in this wreck of a time. Thank goodness for friends AGAIN.
I call in sick to work. I feel guilty. They understand, and I'm lucky to have this job right now, however temporary it is.
I am in so much pain. My husband convinces me to take one of the pain pills, after all , it's their job to help me. I'm stubborn, because I don't usually like the way pain pills make me feel. But I give in and take one, and the pain stops, of course. I feel as fine as possible, I was just being ridiculous.
Jan. 16th, 2014, Thursday
Still bleeding a lot, so many cramps. This hurts so badly. I call in sick today again. My husband ends up working from home again. In the middle of the day we hear a knock on the door. It's a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a card that says, "With deepest sympathy" to Erika & Lee. It's from our work place. It makes me cry, and even makes Lee's eyes tear up.
Jan. 17th, 2014, Friday
The heavy bleeding has stopped, but the cramps, the HORRIBLE cramps are there. All I can do is sleep and that's when the pain goes away. When I wake up the cramps are back, and I don't know what to do. I take pain pills, and they help. Thank goodness for those prescriptions as well.
I email in again to work and they are more than understanding.
At this point, I just hope that I'm on the upside of the nonsense. The huge globs have gone away, but every time I use the bathroom more tissue comes out. I am still mind blown at how long I can bleed and how awful my body feels. I want this to be over. I'm so done, I feel like an emotional & physical mess.
I am thankful for my friends. ALL of them. Far & near, close & not close, I couldn't have gotten through this without their support. I am thankful for my understanding workplace. I am thankful for my husband & my family.
I'll update more once some more time goes by.
Here's my story. Thanks for reading.
Dec. 2013-- I feel sick all month long, which is apparently my body doing what it's supposed to do- I'm pregnant, so of course I feel sick, this is par for the course.
9 weeks pregnant---Jan. 2, 2014--Thursday----That night I begin spotting. Not too much blood, a tiny bit of blood clotting, but enough for me to worry. I don't have any pain, and the spotting stops within the hour. I don't examine the clots, because that's gross, but I did look at them for a bit, and some of them may have been baby sized. In fact, one clot is VERY baby sized, and I am 90% sure I can make out a tiny baby shape with nubs for body parts and all.... I can only think one thing: I lost the baby.
Jan. 3, 2014--- I call my doctor's office & explain the situation and my worries. The person on the other line tells me it's probably nothing to worry about because I didn't have any cramping and my spotting has stopped. My next pregnancy check up is on Jan 6th, wherein my husband & I are supposed to hear the heartbeat. The person at the doctor's office suggests I just wait until then to see what happens. Although I'm worried, and can't shake the feeling, I don't really have much else to do.
10 weeks pregnant---Jan 6th, 2014-- Monday--- I haven't slept much all weekend, 'cause I'm SUPER stressed out. What is going on with my body? Still no spotting & cramping, so somewhat hopeful. I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment to find out any news. 8:30 a.m. my phone rings. It's the nurse, she has to reschedule my appointment as my doctor is delivering other babies and unavailable. I begin BAWLING on the phone and explain my situation to the nurse. She is shocked that someone told me to wait this long to just "wait and see." She says she'll call me back.
----- 20 minutes later----- My doctor herself calls me. She sets me up with an ultrasound at the local hospital to hopefully see the heartbeat. I feel relief.
1:40 pm: Abdominal ultrasound -- They can only find the gestational sac, no heartbeat. I am not surprised or shocked by this news. It is really weird seeing the picture of my uterus with no baby inside- just an empty sac where a tiny baby should be.
Vaginal Ultrasound-- Same results. An empty sac, no heartbeat or signs of life.
2:10 pm: I leave the hospital feeling sad and unhopeful. I am cracking jokes to deal with the sadness I feel enveloping me.
5:30 pm: Speak to doctor again. She says I need to come in for another test. They will test my blood to see if I am indeed 10 weeks along. There is a small chance that I am only 5-6 weeks and maybe the baby just isn't visible yet. She apologizes for the emotional roller coaster I am on. I go along with this test, although I KNOW I am 10 weeks pregnant, my periods are like clockwork. I know it's already over, but what else can I do? I go along with the blood test.
That night I go with two of my best friends to dinner & ice cream. This helps my spirits lift a bit.
Jan. 7th, 2014--- Tuesday--- I go into the doctor's office to take a blood test. Then it's a waiting game.
I wait & wait & wait some more. A few hours later, the doc calls back. Indeed, my blood levels are at the level of a 10 week pregnancy. She apologizes again, and says her best guess is that the baby just stopped growing.
Of course on my own time I have researched miscarriages- what she says is true. Some chromosomes don't meld, and the baby quits growing and dies. There's no reason, no anything that makes it happen or not happen. There's nothing I could have done differently.
The doctor gives me three choices at this point.
Option1:
I can schedule a D&C :
(Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C) refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage).) --- from Wikipedia.org
She advises against this option, because it requires anesthesia, and it seems a bit "too much", like not necessary for how far along I am. (or was)
Option 2:
I can wait for my body to kick itself out of pregnancy mode & wait for my period to start naturally at which point I will pass all of the excess tissue out. This could happen at any time, and there's no telling when.
Option 3:
She can prescribe me some pills which are hormonal and force my period to start immediately.
I immediately opt for the third choice. I just want it to be done. My body still FEELS pregnant. It's been 5 days at this point since I haven't been pregnant, and I'm emotionally ready for it to be done. Just finished with it right now.
Doctor says I can think about it and call her back the next day, although I already know what I want to do.
January 8th, 2014, Wednesday
I decide 100% to take the pills. The doc calls in the prescription. My husband decides to take the next day off of work to help be there for me emotionally and physically if I need it.
This night I take the first round of pills. I have to take them vaginally, and they just dissolve. My period starts within an hour. No big deal. It's not like I haven't had a period approximately 6,917 times before. (yes, I calculated this number!). I think I can handle this.
January 9th, 2014, Thursday
The next night I take the second dose & last dose of pills. Period keeps going. I have light cramping, and a little blood, but it seems like no big deal.
January 10th, 2014, Friday through Jan 12th, 2014, Sunday
I am still bleeding lightly, but it's not seeming too bad. I feel like if ALL my periods can be this easy I would be happy. Not crampy too bad, just fine. Totally do-able. I should have knocked on wood because holy hell, the worse is upon me yet.
January 13th, 2014, Monday
I begin cramping that night. A lot. This feels like all of the cramping of labor but knowing that there will be no reward at the end. Now I'm emotional AND physically uncomfortable. Stupid thoughts enter my mind: What if that was the only egg that will EVER be viable forever? What if I can't get pregnant after this? What if I have another miscarriage, will I be able to deal with this? God damn, this hurts like hell. Some friends come out & tell me they've gone through it too. Good to know I'm not alone.
This night I go out & have my first glass of wine & a cider with some friends in Seattle. This helps. I missed alcohol, and I really need something to blur the edges of my life right now. The perfect solution. Thank goodness for friends.
Jan. 14th, 2014, Tuesday.
I wake up at 5:00 am and am bleeding through my pad into my underwear. Gross. I know it's not that much blood logically, but it sure looks and feels like so much blood. It feels like someone is wringing out my stomach like a washrag. I bleed through 4 pads in one hour. WTF! I feel like puking. Luckily I have a prescription for some anti-nausea meds which I immediately take & they help. I am awake until 7:30 am just feeling myself bleed, it's disgusting to say the least. Finally I fall back asleep. I sleep until noon.
I call my sister because it's her birthday. It's great to talk to her. She gives me really good advice and a good listening ear about miscarriages. She's gone through this before. Approximately 1/3 of women who get pregnant have a miscarriage. But NO ONE talks about it. Why? This is a LOT of people. WTF guys???!!! Anyway. It's great talking to her. I love her.
Jan. 15th, 2014, Wednesday
Oh my god. The globs that are leaving my body are unbelievable. What kind of stuff is up there anyway?? Gross. So much blood. So many goopy clots, and they are BIG. Every single one that passes through me I think, "Was that the baby? Was that the empty sac? Was THAT one the baby?" I am an emotional wreck and holy hell my body is in SO MUCH pain right now. I text some friends of mine, and send them pictures because I don't think I can believe the stuff that is leaving my body. It's emotionally overwhelming & I can't carry the weight alone anymore. Gross. Yay friends.
MORE friends come out of the woodwork and tell me they too have had miscarriages or know someone who has. This helps knowing I'm not alone in this wreck of a time. Thank goodness for friends AGAIN.
I call in sick to work. I feel guilty. They understand, and I'm lucky to have this job right now, however temporary it is.
I am in so much pain. My husband convinces me to take one of the pain pills, after all , it's their job to help me. I'm stubborn, because I don't usually like the way pain pills make me feel. But I give in and take one, and the pain stops, of course. I feel as fine as possible, I was just being ridiculous.
Jan. 16th, 2014, Thursday
Still bleeding a lot, so many cramps. This hurts so badly. I call in sick today again. My husband ends up working from home again. In the middle of the day we hear a knock on the door. It's a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a card that says, "With deepest sympathy" to Erika & Lee. It's from our work place. It makes me cry, and even makes Lee's eyes tear up.
Jan. 17th, 2014, Friday
The heavy bleeding has stopped, but the cramps, the HORRIBLE cramps are there. All I can do is sleep and that's when the pain goes away. When I wake up the cramps are back, and I don't know what to do. I take pain pills, and they help. Thank goodness for those prescriptions as well.
I email in again to work and they are more than understanding.
At this point, I just hope that I'm on the upside of the nonsense. The huge globs have gone away, but every time I use the bathroom more tissue comes out. I am still mind blown at how long I can bleed and how awful my body feels. I want this to be over. I'm so done, I feel like an emotional & physical mess.
I am thankful for my friends. ALL of them. Far & near, close & not close, I couldn't have gotten through this without their support. I am thankful for my understanding workplace. I am thankful for my husband & my family.
I'll update more once some more time goes by.
Here's my story. Thanks for reading.
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