Bad Attitude Rant

I am pretty sick of my situation right now. Still feeling damn chaotic and not at home at all in this foreign state. Since I have moved to Seattle I have felt really sad in a way that is hard to explain. I miss my kids so much it feels like death is crushing my breathing capability. I don't have any sense of myself here. I don't have any good sense of my relationship with my boyfriend here, since we don't have our own space to live a good, domestic life. I don't have any sense of "home" here. I DO have a few friends, which I'm glad for. It's tough to be living in a place where not one thing feels like my own. Not mentally or physically. I know it will change when I get a job, and I WILL GET A JOB DAMNIT! But in the meantime, there are all these cracks and spaces to fill up but with what? All I can do is meander about feeling lonely and wonder what I could be doing differently to feel a different way. NONE of this is working. What is there left to do other than what I'm already doing??? I feel pretty helpless and pissed off in general at the bullshit that surrounds.

Mental illness, yes folks, I'm talking clinical& chronic depression here, doesn't help either. It's a never ending circle of crap. I had it before I left K. Falls, and now it feels like it's 15 times worse. I can't fully experience the ideal life that I want because it's just truly impossible right now. I know it will get better, I know this is not permanent, but what the hell else am I supposed to feel? Recently a loved one told me I was being manic, and I told him I wasn't, but he was probably right. I am kind of manic and panicky. It's just that in the heat of the moment, the crazy people (ME) don't want others ("normal people") to tell them how crazy and foolish they're acting. The crazy people (ME) just want a hug and a hand to hold and someone to say "It's going to be fine." Crazy people (ME) do NOT want someone to get defensive at them when they feel like they're going even MORE crazy because they have no sense of self. Jesus Christ already!!! People tell me "suck it up, it's not forever" or "be thankful you're not homeless." YEAH NO SHIT! It's not like I haven't thought of those things already, thank you very much Captain Obvious! I have thought of those things, but it doesn't help, and I'm looking for help and not finding it anywhere visible.

Sometimes I wish I believed in some kind of God so at least I could ask for some kind of help from that being... OR I can place the blame on something obscure.

I wish my thoughts will help someone else who is in this situation themselves, or who has EVER felt this shitty before. In the words of Courtney Love, who I hate by the way, "Have you ever felt so used up as this?" that's pretty much the only good line she had in a song.

I have no way to end this, so I might as well just yell really loudly "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"