The World Is a Cruel Mistress

Today I'm feeling especially vulnerable & annoyed at the world. I got turned down for yet another job due to circumstances beyond my current control. I don't like feeling this way. I have tried to shake it off about 100 times already and I just can't for some reason. I am wondering at the very origins of my coming to Seattle in the first place. It's like, which life would have been worse? Would it be worse to rot away in Klamath Falls without my boyfriend? But I was just recently able to find my footing financially while I was there. Literally right before I left I felt for the first time in my life I had my eggs kind of in a basket. Then I left in high hopes that I'd have no problems finding a job. And I didn't. At first. But the job I found was horrible and the hours were shit, so I left. (I know, I know...This is my own fault, I'm not here placing blame on anyone else) Would it be worse to live in this foreign city feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life? Seriously, everywhere I go there are people, and things, and sights, and I feel like I can't enjoy them because I am not equipped to do so. Neither emotionally or financially. People say "oh, well, go find the things that are free." and "there must be a park nearby" and while I do not discount these options, it's just that those are things I've ALREADY done and experienced. To me, a city is full of things to do "inside" that cost MONEY y'know? Emotionally feeling like everyone already has a few friends, and blown away by the fact that maybe people actually DO want to hang out with me. I feel like I'm 16 again trying to make friends with the "cool kids." And it feels crappy to me to go from feeling like things would work out to having all of my hopes dashed on the rocks below the cliff I jumped off of earlier this year. I need to re-evaluate and re-discover my reasons for coming here. If I remember them I think it will help.

SOOOOO..... I came here fully hoping for a good, stable relationship with Lee. I got that. Check! Well, as far as I can remember, that was really all I hoped for in coming here. As far as jobs go, I guess that hope came along after I'd been here for a few weeks and it was a reality that I was staying. I guess I did get what I came here for. And believe you me, I am thankful he doesn't leave me because of my flaky past, my rampant emotions and neediness, and every day I count my blessings that he is with me. I am afraid that it could all be ripped out from under me, and since it is the main good thing I have, it's the overwhelming thought scaring me today.
Blargh. I have a lot of other things I want to say right now, but I fear I am not making any sense and wonder if it all freaking matters anyway.
In the end, f*ck the world..... if only she could get her shit together like the rest of us. I trusted the universe to bring me northward to be with my life partner, and it gave me that much. Maybe I am asking too much for a job and some emotional stability as well.