Winter thoughts

It's winter. Which is my least favorite season by far! I hate snow, I don't like being cold, I don't really like cold rainy stuff, etc etc etc. Most of all, I don't like winter because it makes me feel lonely and alone. Both of those.

Right now I don't exactly have an optimal living situation. I am constantly worried about being a burden on my extended family. I am not homeless by any means... thank goodness! It's just that I STILL feel out of place and like I don't have my OWN place, because I don't. So I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I am faced with a number of decisions about my living situation. I could go back to my god-forsaken home-town for a temporary living situation, just to get through the winter. Which would just make me hate winter even MORE than I hate it already. It would force me to give up my volunteering commitment which disappoints me, because I don't like to let people down when I give my word to doing something. Also, I don't really WANT to go back home, because I hate that town so much. Every time I am there I feel like crap and am filled with anxiety and rage and hatred, I just don't know if I would be able to handle it with no distractions. BUT... it would be a house to live in and it would be warm. I would be able to see my friends there and actually spend time with them. I might be able to see my kids a few more times while I'm there. On the other hand, I would really miss my boyfriend and my friends here. And I wouldn't be doing any good because I would miss out on any job opportunities which might come up here.

If I leave, I would be comfortable, this is a given. BUT, if I leave I will be lonely. But I'm already lonely. It's just kind of a truly confusing circle I feel I am stuck in. I don't really have any available couches to surf on here, and it feels terrible just feeling stuck in a bad situation and not having any power over it. I know I have power over my emotions, and that's what I'm trying to deal with.

I don't 100% want to go back to Oregon, but I'm feeling really stressed out and lonely here, and maybe it would help... then again, maybe it would make it worse.
I want to be comfortable and I am not, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
It's tough. I hate it. I don't know what to do. Go or stay, go or stay.

Of course I would come back here to Seattle, I would only be gone for a couple of months, but is it worth it? Why can't someone just figure it out for me? Where do I look? I'm spent. I'm sad. I'm cold. I'm lonely. It's winter.