Hi friends. I've been hesitant to even talk about this publicly but here goes.
First, if you feel I'm fat shaming you or anyone, I apologize in advance. That is definitely not my aim. This post is selfishly ALL ABOUT ME and the way I feel about MY OWN BODY with MY OWN MIND.
If you're going to be offended by the use of the word "fat" in the sense that I'm uncomfortable being so, please quit reading, or if you don't quit reading, then don't comment mean things to me. I don't wanna hear it. I'm trying to be good to myself, and that is hard enough as it is.
Second, I don't need to hear shit like, "oh, but you look GREAT!" Be that as it may, I personally don't feel I look good, or great, or anything in that variety. So, while it's definitely nice to hear, I get it, you want to build up a friend, but I just need to vent right here. So don't be offended if I'm not like, "Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH! You're right, I AM NOT FAT AFTER ALL."
So, here goes (for real this time).
For the first time recently, I am trying to lose weight. By weight, I mean, my belly fat. I, like most other people, want to lose the weight NOW. I've never ever been an "Exercise is so fun, and I LOVE working out." In fact, I'm the opposite. I'm lazy as fuck and I like it that way. I am not going to go a gym, and I'm not going to start doing sit ups and push ups and shit like that. I'm just not. What I WILL do is go swimming if I can, and walk more, and be less sedentary in general. That's a HUGE step for me, OK? HUGE. Good for you if you walk 10K steps in a day, I'm lucky if I get 500. Seriously. My "goal" lately has been 3,000. This is a big deal for me, and it's about 3 miles for me. (I'm super short, so yes it is.) (That's 6 TIMES what I used to walk daily, people. So, chew on that.)
I have been walking every day (almost) since January. I have not lost ONE FUCKING POUND. I'm upset. It's maddening. Really? All this walking for nothing? It's bullshit. It makes me mad that I can't even lose ONE POUND. I don't have an over eating problem. I never have. In fact, if anything, I starve myself all day and eat one meal at night. It is stupid, and not healthy, blah blah that's not the point, I'm working on it, OK?
I've also been really trying to watch what I eat lately, and I'm HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. GOD DAMNIT. It makes me hangry and annoyed. There's no point in it. (As of yet anyway.)
I wish I could just mentally be OK with being fat. Like, "Oh, it doesn't offend me that people mistake me for being pregnant often." Yes it does offend me. Or, "Oh, I'm FINE with not looking cute in clothes because my fucking fat stomach takes all the shirt room." I'm NOT FINE with it. I can't even wear clothes in anything but a size XL even though a Large fits, because then I look EXTRA PREGNANT. UGH. It's fucking dumb.
Oh, you might say, "Well you have a loving partner, and he doesn't care how you look." While yes, that IS true, again, it's not about how HE feels about me, it's about how I FEEL ABOUT ME. And it's not good. I basically hate the way I look right now. No, I DO hate the way I look right now, not basically at all. I hate it. I hate being fat. I'm not OK with it in the least bit.
I don't know why, and I don't care. I don't care if it's "society pressure" or whatever the fuck that tells me I need to be skinnier. I just WANT to be skinnier so I can feel better mentally about my body.
For those of you who didn't know me as a child, I was VERY SKINNY, too skinny in fact. All until I had kids, which for most of us, kills the body. It did to me anyway. And then I never got my body back. So that blows. But, I never really tried. And now that I AM trying, I'm not seeing results, even 6 months later.
The point of this blog is that, I'm pissed off about being fat. I wish I were skinnier. I hope one day to have better self esteem but I know that won't happen until I lose weight.
I hope that anyone reading this, and can relate, I just hope you know you're not alone. I'm with you. And it isn't fun. But it's real. It's me. It's real.
