Resolutions. The way I break down that word is re- solution. Find a "new" solution. I must find a new solution. A new way. A new road to dealing with things. With myself, with chaos, with problems, with my boyfriend, with my life. All the time. Every second of every day.
On New Year's Day around the world people look for ways to improve their lives. Ways to solve things. To start new. I have never been big on making resolutions because I don't like to start things I can't finish. I don't like to make promises I can't keep. This year, I'm making some realistic improvements instead.
I am going to try to write real actual letters to my kids more often. I'm aiming for twice a month with that moving to once per week.
I am going to try to not freak out when I have horrible PMS.
I will try to get along better with my boyfriend without naming names or placing blame or taking things too personally.
I will try to be less defensive in all of my endeavors. Not everything is about me, as much as I sometimes wish it was... in good and bad ways.
I will try to be a better listener so I can interrupt less.
I will try to be comfortable with this body I am in. It has done me good so far. I will try to not care if I am not the same size as I once was, because truly I realize it doesn't matter as long as I am eating good foods and not filling myself with junkfood.
I will try to control my emotions in a fashion that I never have tried before: I will ask for help. I will try to not be so quick to anger or defensiveness. I will show more love so I can receive more love. I will say I'm sorry first.
I will try to feel less guilty about little things that are stupid in the long run and don't even really matter. I will be a better friend and reach out first, then I will feel less lonely. I will close myself off and say no when it is necessary without feeling guilty about it.
I will try to worry less about the future. I will try to be thankful for the here and now, even when it seems nothing special or exciting is happening. I will try to find beauty in the mundane.
I will be more thankful. I will show that thankfulness. I will say I love you and mean it EVERY DAY. I will spend more quality time with my family.
Happy New Year. 2011 bring it on!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friendship/Motherhood/Love
I've begun to realize that friendship is not what I thought it would be at this age. I know age really doesn't have a lot to do with it. What I mean is, I guess in my earlier years, when I thought of being 32 and having friends, I thought it would be different. It IS different for me and has been since I was in my younger 20s. This is because I had babies at quite a young age (22 and 24) and subsequently spent most of my young 20s as a "stay at home mom" while all my other friends my own age were out partying. That was weird. All the friends I had at the time, who were having babies of their own, were older than me. And now, all those friends who couldn't find time to hang out with me are having babies of their own.... it's a weird thought y'know?
Being here, without my kids living with me, has been... weird to say the least. A lot of people here have never even MET my kids. They often forget I am a mother. I realize I am not the mother I set out to be, by any means, but I did the best for MYSELF at the time. I don't regret my decision for my kids to not live with me, after all it was MY decision. No one forced it on me, circumstances were such that THIS is what happened.
Anyway, back to the friend thing. I've found that a lot of my close friends are the ones I haven't necessarily talked to a lot in the past but that I talk to now, and those who listen to me about my life, and help me out with my problems. They listen to me when I vent. They answer e-mails I send in panicked moods without judging. They pick me up and drive me around to get one item from the library because I'm immobile right now. They listen to me rant and cry even though it feels like they've just met me. And still OTHER friends I have whose friendship is so strong that while I may rarely talk to these people when we do speak, it is like no time at all has passed. I love that.
There are a few friends who live close by that I don't see as often as I'd like sheerly because traffic is a bitch to get through and both parties see this as a barrier. That makes me really sad, but I understand not wanting to make the effort. OK actually, no I don't understand that, but I am trying to get it. People have other things to do, lives to lead, and not enough time. That's how it is. I may not like it, but it is what it is. I miss those friends something fierce, and I need to just make time to see them since I have a feeling me going there would be easier than them coming here. I will have to work on that.
Reflecting on the past year of living in Seattle has been emotional for me to say the least. It seems unreal, still, being here at all. Not waking up and seeing the brown mountains and blue skies of K. Falls has been exactly what I wanted when I left. I miss my friends there and I am glad we have stayed in touch. I was really scared when I left that maybe I'd just disappear from their minds. I didn't, obviously. Nor did they disappear from my own.
The friends I have met here I know will be ones I will keep for years to come. (And another awesome thing is I have a friend here that I knew in K. Falls, and now we live in the same town again.) These friends- at least most of them- are also mothers. That makes me happy. We have a common bond. Even though my kids don't live with me, it doesn't mean anything less than their kids living with them. I AM just as good as any other mother could be, maybe even better.
Those same friends have accepted me into their life with no holds barred, no questions asked... just pure love. What I wanted from Seattle- when I came here- was to be with my boyfriend. That was my only expectation. To have someone to love, someone to love me back. And now we're spending our lives together.
We fight. We fight more often than we'd both like. We fight more than is necessary. We realize the stem of these fights is from our current living situation which is very less than ideal, especially for me. Of course we fight. (I don't think I know how to have a relationship where fighting is not a core part of it.) But the difference this time, the key difference in fighting is that we don't break up. We get through it, we move on and the next day comes. I don't know how that is possible. My b.f. says "I'm not perfect. No one is." and it makes it hard to examine what is wrong with "us". It is hard to examine what is wrong with me, the things he does not like about me, and the things I don't like about him. But when I look at them, they're not that bad. That is what my b.f. said too. I asked him recently how we can stay together when there are things we absolutely can't stand about the other one. He told me those things don't matter really in the scheme of things; they're just nuances. Basically, they exist, but so what? We don't dwell on them. And while they come up once in a while, and they will always come up, we get past it and hopefully we always will get past it. Why? Because ultimately we love each other to get through it and at the end of the day we are together. I am here for him, literally in a new place, and he is here for me literally in a new emotional place he's never known before.
My life, this year, has been so much more than I could have asked for. I hope it doesn't end yet, I'm not ready. I'm only beginning.
Being here, without my kids living with me, has been... weird to say the least. A lot of people here have never even MET my kids. They often forget I am a mother. I realize I am not the mother I set out to be, by any means, but I did the best for MYSELF at the time. I don't regret my decision for my kids to not live with me, after all it was MY decision. No one forced it on me, circumstances were such that THIS is what happened.
Anyway, back to the friend thing. I've found that a lot of my close friends are the ones I haven't necessarily talked to a lot in the past but that I talk to now, and those who listen to me about my life, and help me out with my problems. They listen to me when I vent. They answer e-mails I send in panicked moods without judging. They pick me up and drive me around to get one item from the library because I'm immobile right now. They listen to me rant and cry even though it feels like they've just met me. And still OTHER friends I have whose friendship is so strong that while I may rarely talk to these people when we do speak, it is like no time at all has passed. I love that.
There are a few friends who live close by that I don't see as often as I'd like sheerly because traffic is a bitch to get through and both parties see this as a barrier. That makes me really sad, but I understand not wanting to make the effort. OK actually, no I don't understand that, but I am trying to get it. People have other things to do, lives to lead, and not enough time. That's how it is. I may not like it, but it is what it is. I miss those friends something fierce, and I need to just make time to see them since I have a feeling me going there would be easier than them coming here. I will have to work on that.
Reflecting on the past year of living in Seattle has been emotional for me to say the least. It seems unreal, still, being here at all. Not waking up and seeing the brown mountains and blue skies of K. Falls has been exactly what I wanted when I left. I miss my friends there and I am glad we have stayed in touch. I was really scared when I left that maybe I'd just disappear from their minds. I didn't, obviously. Nor did they disappear from my own.
The friends I have met here I know will be ones I will keep for years to come. (And another awesome thing is I have a friend here that I knew in K. Falls, and now we live in the same town again.) These friends- at least most of them- are also mothers. That makes me happy. We have a common bond. Even though my kids don't live with me, it doesn't mean anything less than their kids living with them. I AM just as good as any other mother could be, maybe even better.
Those same friends have accepted me into their life with no holds barred, no questions asked... just pure love. What I wanted from Seattle- when I came here- was to be with my boyfriend. That was my only expectation. To have someone to love, someone to love me back. And now we're spending our lives together.
We fight. We fight more often than we'd both like. We fight more than is necessary. We realize the stem of these fights is from our current living situation which is very less than ideal, especially for me. Of course we fight. (I don't think I know how to have a relationship where fighting is not a core part of it.) But the difference this time, the key difference in fighting is that we don't break up. We get through it, we move on and the next day comes. I don't know how that is possible. My b.f. says "I'm not perfect. No one is." and it makes it hard to examine what is wrong with "us". It is hard to examine what is wrong with me, the things he does not like about me, and the things I don't like about him. But when I look at them, they're not that bad. That is what my b.f. said too. I asked him recently how we can stay together when there are things we absolutely can't stand about the other one. He told me those things don't matter really in the scheme of things; they're just nuances. Basically, they exist, but so what? We don't dwell on them. And while they come up once in a while, and they will always come up, we get past it and hopefully we always will get past it. Why? Because ultimately we love each other to get through it and at the end of the day we are together. I am here for him, literally in a new place, and he is here for me literally in a new emotional place he's never known before.
My life, this year, has been so much more than I could have asked for. I hope it doesn't end yet, I'm not ready. I'm only beginning.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Crutches Smutches
Let me first say this: I am not known for my grace or stature. I am clumsy. I have literally fallen over my own two feet. Once, when I was 12, I broke both of my wrists AT THE SAME TIME by jumping off of a stage at my church. I had to wear two casts. My mom had to help me shower, write, eat, go to bed, etc. (As if being 12 isn't awkward enough.)
Many times have I just been walking down a driveway and twisted my ankles, enough to the point where I say "OUCH" Then in about 5 minutes after walking, my ankle is still sore, but it gets better.
The most recent time this happened was in May. It was really early in the morning and I was just walking down the street on the way to my car, and my ankle twisted enough that I fell down. I got back up immediately and went on my way, and my ankle felt fine that day.
Well, here I am last week, on Friday, just minding my own business. I was on my way out of the R.V. to go wash a few dishes. With dishes in hand I made my way down the four steps to the ground. All I remember is it went like this: step, step, ste... CRAAASH. Down I fell to the ground, twisting my right ankle and landing on my left side. The dishes fell (nothing broke oddly enough) and made a loud clatter. I immediately began swearing every curse word I knew. VERY LOUDLY. Followed by crying. I layed there on the ground in more pain than I'd ever felt in my entire life (not counting childbirth). I wondered what I would do, how would I get into the house? So after about 10 minutes of crying and not being able to move, I hopped with my left leg up 2 steps and into the house. Shortly after that, my pseudo-brother-in-law came home and was able to call my boyfriend's mom who came to pick me up.
She took me into the nearest walk in clinic where I saw a doctor. He took a look at my ankle and made me get X-rays in which they deduced it is not broken! PHEW!
It IS a "severe sprain" To read more about that click HERE:
http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00150
This means I have torn the ligaments in my ankle. And I am immobile. WTF. This includes 3 phases of resting, the first phase takes one whole week! The second phase takes another two weeks, and the third phase is where I am supposed to return to normal activities slowly. ARRRRGH! I never have had such an injury before and I keep expecting it to just feel better. I keep expecting that maybe I will just be able to walk on it. Last night I attempted to take one step, and as soon as I put both feet on the ground, and moved my right foot it was excruiating pain. I won't be doing that again; I know it was stupid.
I am using crutches and have to keep my ankle in an air-splint.
Anyway, I have never felt so helpless in my life. Now, instead of my mom helping, it's my boyfriend with the brunt of the work. I have to have him help me get things from up high, help me shower, cook my meals (I can't stand up by any means without crutches). So, that's been pretty fun. (At least the showering part. Hahahahah!... I mean really, I can't complain about a hot guy slathering me with soap while holding me up, can I?) Now I am laying in bed, probably for at least until Friday and then I get to start trying to flex my ankle, foot, and leg again. Gooood times!
Coincidentally, or not, I had a UTI at the time of the sprain, so I was able to get some antibiotics for that, which helps. The doctor prescribed me some pain medication, which makes me really itchy and semi-naseous. I suppose it's better than being in constant pain.
In the past, I've never thought that a sprained ankle could do so much damage. I was wrong. Lesson learned. Times like this make me thankful I do not have a job or anywhere to go today because otherwise I'd be screwed. If anyone would like to deliver me candy, food, some lotion, or a drink, I'd be happy. I won't say no!
Anyway, I guess from now on I will pay attention to what I'm doing while I'm walking. Every second counts.
OUUUUCHHHH.
Many times have I just been walking down a driveway and twisted my ankles, enough to the point where I say "OUCH" Then in about 5 minutes after walking, my ankle is still sore, but it gets better.
The most recent time this happened was in May. It was really early in the morning and I was just walking down the street on the way to my car, and my ankle twisted enough that I fell down. I got back up immediately and went on my way, and my ankle felt fine that day.
Well, here I am last week, on Friday, just minding my own business. I was on my way out of the R.V. to go wash a few dishes. With dishes in hand I made my way down the four steps to the ground. All I remember is it went like this: step, step, ste... CRAAASH. Down I fell to the ground, twisting my right ankle and landing on my left side. The dishes fell (nothing broke oddly enough) and made a loud clatter. I immediately began swearing every curse word I knew. VERY LOUDLY. Followed by crying. I layed there on the ground in more pain than I'd ever felt in my entire life (not counting childbirth). I wondered what I would do, how would I get into the house? So after about 10 minutes of crying and not being able to move, I hopped with my left leg up 2 steps and into the house. Shortly after that, my pseudo-brother-in-law came home and was able to call my boyfriend's mom who came to pick me up.
She took me into the nearest walk in clinic where I saw a doctor. He took a look at my ankle and made me get X-rays in which they deduced it is not broken! PHEW!
It IS a "severe sprain" To read more about that click HERE:
http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00150
This means I have torn the ligaments in my ankle. And I am immobile. WTF. This includes 3 phases of resting, the first phase takes one whole week! The second phase takes another two weeks, and the third phase is where I am supposed to return to normal activities slowly. ARRRRGH! I never have had such an injury before and I keep expecting it to just feel better. I keep expecting that maybe I will just be able to walk on it. Last night I attempted to take one step, and as soon as I put both feet on the ground, and moved my right foot it was excruiating pain. I won't be doing that again; I know it was stupid.
I am using crutches and have to keep my ankle in an air-splint.
Anyway, I have never felt so helpless in my life. Now, instead of my mom helping, it's my boyfriend with the brunt of the work. I have to have him help me get things from up high, help me shower, cook my meals (I can't stand up by any means without crutches). So, that's been pretty fun. (At least the showering part. Hahahahah!... I mean really, I can't complain about a hot guy slathering me with soap while holding me up, can I?) Now I am laying in bed, probably for at least until Friday and then I get to start trying to flex my ankle, foot, and leg again. Gooood times!
Coincidentally, or not, I had a UTI at the time of the sprain, so I was able to get some antibiotics for that, which helps. The doctor prescribed me some pain medication, which makes me really itchy and semi-naseous. I suppose it's better than being in constant pain.
In the past, I've never thought that a sprained ankle could do so much damage. I was wrong. Lesson learned. Times like this make me thankful I do not have a job or anywhere to go today because otherwise I'd be screwed. If anyone would like to deliver me candy, food, some lotion, or a drink, I'd be happy. I won't say no!
Anyway, I guess from now on I will pay attention to what I'm doing while I'm walking. Every second counts.
OUUUUCHHHH.
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