After another night of fight-talking with my boyfriend, I have reached a few answers to my own thoughts. While I may be batting for the same team he is on, he has a hard time remembering we are a team. Rather than pouring more of myself into forcing the issue in the ways that I do, I guess I can just try to take a step back and hope that he KNOWS I am on his side.
I have been too long in really terrible, horrible, relationships where the other person has treated me poorly. This has leftover actions on my part. Since all I have known for the past 10 years is my partner being an asshole and me having to fight back, it's just stuck in me. I don't know how to have a new outlook on life when my current boyfriend is nice to me. (USUALLY. Ha)Trying to break the cycle of bad relationship habits is very, very, very tough for me. I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides when usually that isn't the case.
One of the last times I saw my brother Craig alive, he told me "You need to learn to be less defensive and not take things so personally." He didn't know of my history with men, with relationships... all he knew is that I've dated some assholes (what a shame he can't meet the GOOD guy I finally have landed! Death is lame, but that's a whole different story) I need to actually take these words to heart and start trying, REALLY trying, to just let things go.
I am lucky to have found someone who wants to share my life, now I just need to find a new outlook, which is pretty hard so far. But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. All I can do is keep on trying.
1 comment:
Part of being in a relationship is surrendering to the fact that you are part of a unit.
This past weekend, we were at a party and Jen introduced herself to a woman. On hearing that she was named Jen, the woman said, "Oh, of Matt & Jen?"
I laughed. It wouldn't have been as funny if it was the first time I'd heard that exact phrase, but it wasn't...it probably wasn't the 20th time I've heard that, or the 50th.
However, you have to strike a balance as to how much you surrender yourself to being part of the unit and how much you keep for yourself. To make it work, I think you have to balance between being an individual and being part of a couple.
It's a difficult balance, and I wish I had some simple trick or answer to give, but I don't. It takes work.
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