I've begun to realize that friendship is not what I thought it would be at this age. I know age really doesn't have a lot to do with it. What I mean is, I guess in my earlier years, when I thought of being 32 and having friends, I thought it would be different. It IS different for me and has been since I was in my younger 20s. This is because I had babies at quite a young age (22 and 24) and subsequently spent most of my young 20s as a "stay at home mom" while all my other friends my own age were out partying. That was weird. All the friends I had at the time, who were having babies of their own, were older than me. And now, all those friends who couldn't find time to hang out with me are having babies of their own.... it's a weird thought y'know?
Being here, without my kids living with me, has been... weird to say the least. A lot of people here have never even MET my kids. They often forget I am a mother. I realize I am not the mother I set out to be, by any means, but I did the best for MYSELF at the time. I don't regret my decision for my kids to not live with me, after all it was MY decision. No one forced it on me, circumstances were such that THIS is what happened.
Anyway, back to the friend thing. I've found that a lot of my close friends are the ones I haven't necessarily talked to a lot in the past but that I talk to now, and those who listen to me about my life, and help me out with my problems. They listen to me when I vent. They answer e-mails I send in panicked moods without judging. They pick me up and drive me around to get one item from the library because I'm immobile right now. They listen to me rant and cry even though it feels like they've just met me. And still OTHER friends I have whose friendship is so strong that while I may rarely talk to these people when we do speak, it is like no time at all has passed. I love that.
There are a few friends who live close by that I don't see as often as I'd like sheerly because traffic is a bitch to get through and both parties see this as a barrier. That makes me really sad, but I understand not wanting to make the effort. OK actually, no I don't understand that, but I am trying to get it. People have other things to do, lives to lead, and not enough time. That's how it is. I may not like it, but it is what it is. I miss those friends something fierce, and I need to just make time to see them since I have a feeling me going there would be easier than them coming here. I will have to work on that.
Reflecting on the past year of living in Seattle has been emotional for me to say the least. It seems unreal, still, being here at all. Not waking up and seeing the brown mountains and blue skies of K. Falls has been exactly what I wanted when I left. I miss my friends there and I am glad we have stayed in touch. I was really scared when I left that maybe I'd just disappear from their minds. I didn't, obviously. Nor did they disappear from my own.
The friends I have met here I know will be ones I will keep for years to come. (And another awesome thing is I have a friend here that I knew in K. Falls, and now we live in the same town again.) These friends- at least most of them- are also mothers. That makes me happy. We have a common bond. Even though my kids don't live with me, it doesn't mean anything less than their kids living with them. I AM just as good as any other mother could be, maybe even better.
Those same friends have accepted me into their life with no holds barred, no questions asked... just pure love. What I wanted from Seattle- when I came here- was to be with my boyfriend. That was my only expectation. To have someone to love, someone to love me back. And now we're spending our lives together.
We fight. We fight more often than we'd both like. We fight more than is necessary. We realize the stem of these fights is from our current living situation which is very less than ideal, especially for me. Of course we fight. (I don't think I know how to have a relationship where fighting is not a core part of it.) But the difference this time, the key difference in fighting is that we don't break up. We get through it, we move on and the next day comes. I don't know how that is possible. My b.f. says "I'm not perfect. No one is." and it makes it hard to examine what is wrong with "us". It is hard to examine what is wrong with me, the things he does not like about me, and the things I don't like about him. But when I look at them, they're not that bad. That is what my b.f. said too. I asked him recently how we can stay together when there are things we absolutely can't stand about the other one. He told me those things don't matter really in the scheme of things; they're just nuances. Basically, they exist, but so what? We don't dwell on them. And while they come up once in a while, and they will always come up, we get past it and hopefully we always will get past it. Why? Because ultimately we love each other to get through it and at the end of the day we are together. I am here for him, literally in a new place, and he is here for me literally in a new emotional place he's never known before.
My life, this year, has been so much more than I could have asked for. I hope it doesn't end yet, I'm not ready. I'm only beginning.
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