Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my dad alive to talk to for just ONE second. I think of him sooooo much. The thing that pisses me off about death is that it's just so permanent. There's no coming back from there. I would love to just talk to him, to let him know I'm OK, and what I'm doing, and where I am. I would love for him to meet my boyfriend. I think they would have gotten along. He would be happy with the way my boyfriend treats me, and he would have respected above all else for that. If there is any ONE thing I miss about my dad, it's his voice. I'm so pissed that there are no recordings of it anywhere to be found. Pictures, videos, we have those, but without sound. Damn. Even if I DID get to see him for just one second, I know it wouldn't be enough and I'd need more. I feel like it would have been awesomest if we could just both have died at the same time. I mean, I'm glad I'm alive right now, but I'd have LOVED to have him around for 60 more years. Whenever I see an elderly person I get kind of mad inside because I feel that it's unfair that my dad never lived to see an elderly age. Totally lame, I know, but it's just something I keep in my head usually. Then I well up inside and feel like crying. It's such bullshit. Why? Why? Why? I know death is everyone's fate, but I truly hate that it happens to all of us. So stupid.
As far as my brother being dead, I took it so hard at the time. I ended up in shock in the E.R. for a day, because I was totally sure it wasn't really happening. We weren't all that close when he died, but the last time I saw him alive was at my father's funeral, when he left our family's house. The shock of knowing that I'd never get a chance to know him better was too much to take. It still sometimes IS too much to take. I wish I'd known him the same way his wife & daughters did. I wish I'd known him NOW, as an adult. One thing he said to me was that he was proud of the WOMAN I had become, and he was proud of me living on my own. It made me so happy to hear. I'd grown up in his eyes. No longer his baby sister, but a grown woman, his sister was 30... anyway, I miss him a lot and I wish he could also see where I am, what I've become, etc.
They say time heals all wounds. I disagree. Time is a tool to make the wounds seem less harsh. It's like neopsporin. The more you reapply the better it feels. I keep thinking that maybe one day it won't hurt anymore, maybe one day it will just feel OK again. But I am coming to realize that it won't feel better. It will ALWAYS hurt. It may hurt less some days, and it may hurt more other days, and even OTHER days it may feel like nothing. The key, to me, is to keep remembering them with love.
3 comments:
I remember seeing a video from when Melody and Mark got married--is your dad on that?
Come to think of it, we used Al's video camera at our reception. I wonder if Al has anything. (I'll have to check our video.)
Hey, Doug just said that he made some tapes of your dad talking about his childhood and stuff when they were visiting one time. He doesn't know where they are but he will look for them.
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