Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The World Is a Cruel Mistress

Today I'm feeling especially vulnerable & annoyed at the world. I got turned down for yet another job due to circumstances beyond my current control. I don't like feeling this way. I have tried to shake it off about 100 times already and I just can't for some reason. I am wondering at the very origins of my coming to Seattle in the first place. It's like, which life would have been worse? Would it be worse to rot away in Klamath Falls without my boyfriend? But I was just recently able to find my footing financially while I was there. Literally right before I left I felt for the first time in my life I had my eggs kind of in a basket. Then I left in high hopes that I'd have no problems finding a job. And I didn't. At first. But the job I found was horrible and the hours were shit, so I left. (I know, I know...This is my own fault, I'm not here placing blame on anyone else) Would it be worse to live in this foreign city feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life? Seriously, everywhere I go there are people, and things, and sights, and I feel like I can't enjoy them because I am not equipped to do so. Neither emotionally or financially. People say "oh, well, go find the things that are free." and "there must be a park nearby" and while I do not discount these options, it's just that those are things I've ALREADY done and experienced. To me, a city is full of things to do "inside" that cost MONEY y'know? Emotionally feeling like everyone already has a few friends, and blown away by the fact that maybe people actually DO want to hang out with me. I feel like I'm 16 again trying to make friends with the "cool kids." And it feels crappy to me to go from feeling like things would work out to having all of my hopes dashed on the rocks below the cliff I jumped off of earlier this year. I need to re-evaluate and re-discover my reasons for coming here. If I remember them I think it will help.

SOOOOO..... I came here fully hoping for a good, stable relationship with Lee. I got that. Check! Well, as far as I can remember, that was really all I hoped for in coming here. As far as jobs go, I guess that hope came along after I'd been here for a few weeks and it was a reality that I was staying. I guess I did get what I came here for. And believe you me, I am thankful he doesn't leave me because of my flaky past, my rampant emotions and neediness, and every day I count my blessings that he is with me. I am afraid that it could all be ripped out from under me, and since it is the main good thing I have, it's the overwhelming thought scaring me today.
Blargh. I have a lot of other things I want to say right now, but I fear I am not making any sense and wonder if it all freaking matters anyway.
In the end, f*ck the world..... if only she could get her shit together like the rest of us. I trusted the universe to bring me northward to be with my life partner, and it gave me that much. Maybe I am asking too much for a job and some emotional stability as well.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What I did this weekend (Part 2)

It was a very pretty drive home, even though we had to leave the hotsprings. The Payette River is full of rafters, kayaks, and people floating down the river on tubes. It was so pretty, I couldn't stop looking at it.
When we got home, Landon wanted to have a concert, so he formed "Landon's Band". We all performed in some way; from recorder, to piano, to voice, to audience.

July fourth was spent relaxing playing board games with the family. Then we went to watch the fireworks show in Meridian. I must admit, it was the BEST fireworks I've seen. Given the limited budget they have, it was WAAAY better than any other show to date. I was happy to kiss Lee under the fireworks, and happy to sit next to nieces & nephews, some of whom hadn't seen "real fireworks" before!

Monday we drove back to Seattle. This time we saw the things we missed the first time around as it was dark in Idaho. We saw an abandoned building in the side of a mountain. Very surreal, wondering what it was once used for. Lee got this cool picture of it.

Being back in Seattle makes me homesick. This place, this city, while it remains where I live, isn't quite the open countryside home I am used to. This weekend made me feel very satisfied with my life. I am so lucky to have such an amazing family. Even when we are miles away from each other, when we do hang out, it's nothing but love. No pretense, no drama, no bullshit, just pure love. Mom & Dad did a damn fine job, if I do say so myself.

I am lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend, to sacrifice his time & money to accompany me on this trip. Not only that, but day to day he makes sure I am here to stay. Without him, none of me would possible right now, and I am thankful. I keep falling in love over & over & over again with him. My weekend was perfect and I could never ask for more.

What I did this weekend (Part 1)

My boyfriend & I went to visit my family (missing one brother, who wasn't able to make it from Portland) at my sister's place in Idaho. The road trip was nearly 500 miles one way. We passed through Eastern Washington, Eastern Oregon, and arrived in the suburban town of Meridian, Idaho on July 2nd. The drive was astonishingly beautiful and made me miss my hometown. I guess there is something to be said of high-desert scenery, it's pretty in it's own way.


Saturday was spent driving up to the Banks-Lowman hot springs on the Payette River. On the trail down to the river, I was walking with my brother Al. As we were climbing rocks I mentioned "this feels so familiar but I know I've never been here before." He said to me,"You are a JOLE. How many times have we done something exactly like this?" And we laughed and laughed. It made me feel so happy and so connected to my family through space.

There are 4 small pools of hot springs which were under the waterfall feeding the river. The river itself was very cold, and the hot springs remain the perfect temperature for soaking. There are a few small waterfalls springing from the mountain side forming the hot springs. My family all remembers the summer before my dad died, when he visited this same place and tried out the hot springs at the VERY TOP of the mountain. Apparently he "dipped his foot in" to test the 500 degree water and got badly burned. The family saw he come barreling down the mountain and yelling "don't go in there. It's too hot!!" This story makes me sad about not being able to make that last trip with my father, but happy that he could experience the beauty of this earth; I know it was probably his favorite thing to be outside with nature.



To get to this hotsprings pool, we had to wade through about 4 feet of rushing cold water, then climb up the rocky mountainside. It was sooooo freezing. We went in teams so that we could help each other hold onto the rocky mountainside, wade out to the shallow, knee-deep water, then make our way through the current back to the mountain to climb up to the pool. (Even my 8-year-old niece made it with the help of her older brother & her mom. No easy feat, when you realize the water was probably over her head and she had to swim!) Once we made it up to the hot spring, we had about 8 people all soaking in the tub. The bottom was made of beachy sand, and the water dripping from the mountain made for the perfect shower. The Payette River below, the mountains above, visiting my family, having soaking kisses with my boyfriend, reveling in such perfect moments. How many times do we have for such moments? Life is such a blur. It made me want to slooooow time and never leave that place.

Eventually we had to make our way back to the other side, full knowing that we would be pushing AGAINST the current this time. We all knew that there were smaller warm pools at the place we had started from so that made it worth it. Lee & I decided to go together, and we just dived in the cold water to get the shock all at once. (It wasn't as cold as I remember on the way there, so maybe our theory worked!) Once we made the trek back, we immediately climbed up the waterfall on the rocks to soak in the smaller tub. This tub had a bunch of streams coming down, so you could stand just perfectly under it, and have warm water running down your neck and body. The minerals in the water made my skin feel so soft. (Once we got home, I just felt kind-of dirty, and wanted a shower. Heheheh)