Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my dad alive to talk to for just ONE second. I think of him sooooo much. The thing that pisses me off about death is that it's just so permanent. There's no coming back from there. I would love to just talk to him, to let him know I'm OK, and what I'm doing, and where I am. I would love for him to meet my boyfriend. I think they would have gotten along. He would be happy with the way my boyfriend treats me, and he would have respected above all else for that. If there is any ONE thing I miss about my dad, it's his voice. I'm so pissed that there are no recordings of it anywhere to be found. Pictures, videos, we have those, but without sound. Damn. Even if I DID get to see him for just one second, I know it wouldn't be enough and I'd need more. I feel like it would have been awesomest if we could just both have died at the same time. I mean, I'm glad I'm alive right now, but I'd have LOVED to have him around for 60 more years. Whenever I see an elderly person I get kind of mad inside because I feel that it's unfair that my dad never lived to see an elderly age. Totally lame, I know, but it's just something I keep in my head usually. Then I well up inside and feel like crying. It's such bullshit. Why? Why? Why? I know death is everyone's fate, but I truly hate that it happens to all of us. So stupid.
As far as my brother being dead, I took it so hard at the time. I ended up in shock in the E.R. for a day, because I was totally sure it wasn't really happening. We weren't all that close when he died, but the last time I saw him alive was at my father's funeral, when he left our family's house. The shock of knowing that I'd never get a chance to know him better was too much to take. It still sometimes IS too much to take. I wish I'd known him the same way his wife & daughters did. I wish I'd known him NOW, as an adult. One thing he said to me was that he was proud of the WOMAN I had become, and he was proud of me living on my own. It made me so happy to hear. I'd grown up in his eyes. No longer his baby sister, but a grown woman, his sister was 30... anyway, I miss him a lot and I wish he could also see where I am, what I've become, etc.
They say time heals all wounds. I disagree. Time is a tool to make the wounds seem less harsh. It's like neopsporin. The more you reapply the better it feels. I keep thinking that maybe one day it won't hurt anymore, maybe one day it will just feel OK again. But I am coming to realize that it won't feel better. It will ALWAYS hurt. It may hurt less some days, and it may hurt more other days, and even OTHER days it may feel like nothing. The key, to me, is to keep remembering them with love.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Some things about my parents that I like
1. My parents have shown me that being of service to other people makes me feel good. I'm not talking about donating money, or mowing lawns, or feeding the poor here. What I mean is doing good things for others. Telling my boyfriend I love him every day. Calling my children on a regular basis. Making the bed. Cleaning up after a mess, even when I didn't make it. Letting someone into the lane when I'm driving and they've been waiting for a while. Smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. These small things make me happy and I'm not going to stop now.
2. They never made me feel poor. We always had what we needed, we never felt poor. We were DIRT poor I realize as I've grown up. My dad had to struggle and work really hard for the little money that we DID make. But we always had what we needed. We had food, a nice house, cars, clothes, friends, birthday presents, etc. Even when I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was in second grade we couldn't afford it, so my mom made me one instead of buying one. She even had a cabbage patch label on her overalls. Of course she didn't look quite the same, but I treasured her more than any other doll I ever got. A few years later I received a REAL cabbage patch doll and the two were sisters. I have both of them to this day, I will NEVER get rid of those dolls. Proof that my parents just wanted us to have what we wanted and would do whatever it took to achieve that.
3. All through high school, my mom packed my lunch because I am such a picky eater. I HATED school lunch. When I was younger my mom would put notes in my lunchbox that said things like "Have a nice day. I love you." because I missed my mom and was pretty anxious about leaving for a whole school day while she was at home. I'm thankful for those notes and for the yummy food I had.
4. Support. Lots of it. My dad would always support me, even though sometimes as first he'd be really angry. For instance, he was always willing to give me $5 even if it was the last $5 in his wallet. I was thankful. My parents always babysit my kids, for free which is above & beyond the call of grandparent duty. They always let me stay in their home for free. They gave me rides 24 miles in the middle of the night when I was working late and couldn't drive. The list goes on & on & on.
5. My dad was friendly toward everyone. Even complete strangers. This used to embarass me. I'd think "Why is talking to that man about the price of milk?" but then I realized as I got older that small talk is rare. People get busy in their daily lives and forget to just be nice to each other. We need to do that more often. It doesn't matter if the person smiles back, or talks back to you, and really... who cares? Be the FIRST one to say hello.
2. They never made me feel poor. We always had what we needed, we never felt poor. We were DIRT poor I realize as I've grown up. My dad had to struggle and work really hard for the little money that we DID make. But we always had what we needed. We had food, a nice house, cars, clothes, friends, birthday presents, etc. Even when I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was in second grade we couldn't afford it, so my mom made me one instead of buying one. She even had a cabbage patch label on her overalls. Of course she didn't look quite the same, but I treasured her more than any other doll I ever got. A few years later I received a REAL cabbage patch doll and the two were sisters. I have both of them to this day, I will NEVER get rid of those dolls. Proof that my parents just wanted us to have what we wanted and would do whatever it took to achieve that.
3. All through high school, my mom packed my lunch because I am such a picky eater. I HATED school lunch. When I was younger my mom would put notes in my lunchbox that said things like "Have a nice day. I love you." because I missed my mom and was pretty anxious about leaving for a whole school day while she was at home. I'm thankful for those notes and for the yummy food I had.
4. Support. Lots of it. My dad would always support me, even though sometimes as first he'd be really angry. For instance, he was always willing to give me $5 even if it was the last $5 in his wallet. I was thankful. My parents always babysit my kids, for free which is above & beyond the call of grandparent duty. They always let me stay in their home for free. They gave me rides 24 miles in the middle of the night when I was working late and couldn't drive. The list goes on & on & on.
5. My dad was friendly toward everyone. Even complete strangers. This used to embarass me. I'd think "Why is talking to that man about the price of milk?" but then I realized as I got older that small talk is rare. People get busy in their daily lives and forget to just be nice to each other. We need to do that more often. It doesn't matter if the person smiles back, or talks back to you, and really... who cares? Be the FIRST one to say hello.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Breaking the cycle
After another night of fight-talking with my boyfriend, I have reached a few answers to my own thoughts. While I may be batting for the same team he is on, he has a hard time remembering we are a team. Rather than pouring more of myself into forcing the issue in the ways that I do, I guess I can just try to take a step back and hope that he KNOWS I am on his side.
I have been too long in really terrible, horrible, relationships where the other person has treated me poorly. This has leftover actions on my part. Since all I have known for the past 10 years is my partner being an asshole and me having to fight back, it's just stuck in me. I don't know how to have a new outlook on life when my current boyfriend is nice to me. (USUALLY. Ha)Trying to break the cycle of bad relationship habits is very, very, very tough for me. I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides when usually that isn't the case.
One of the last times I saw my brother Craig alive, he told me "You need to learn to be less defensive and not take things so personally." He didn't know of my history with men, with relationships... all he knew is that I've dated some assholes (what a shame he can't meet the GOOD guy I finally have landed! Death is lame, but that's a whole different story) I need to actually take these words to heart and start trying, REALLY trying, to just let things go.
I am lucky to have found someone who wants to share my life, now I just need to find a new outlook, which is pretty hard so far. But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. All I can do is keep on trying.
I have been too long in really terrible, horrible, relationships where the other person has treated me poorly. This has leftover actions on my part. Since all I have known for the past 10 years is my partner being an asshole and me having to fight back, it's just stuck in me. I don't know how to have a new outlook on life when my current boyfriend is nice to me. (USUALLY. Ha)Trying to break the cycle of bad relationship habits is very, very, very tough for me. I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides when usually that isn't the case.
One of the last times I saw my brother Craig alive, he told me "You need to learn to be less defensive and not take things so personally." He didn't know of my history with men, with relationships... all he knew is that I've dated some assholes (what a shame he can't meet the GOOD guy I finally have landed! Death is lame, but that's a whole different story) I need to actually take these words to heart and start trying, REALLY trying, to just let things go.
I am lucky to have found someone who wants to share my life, now I just need to find a new outlook, which is pretty hard so far. But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. All I can do is keep on trying.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Home?
Update: Still feel like I don't have a place to call my own. Still hate living in a bedroom. Still feeling like crap 'cause I don't have a job. Still not knowing my purpose in being here, rather, not finding my only purpose to be enough. Totally feeling useless, but trying to find the good sides and "usefulness" of doing laundry, going grocery shopping, and doing other basic housewiving duties even though I don't have a baby and am not married. Basically, nothing mentally has changed since I came back from Burning Man. I love my boyfriend. He is the one I want to spend my life with. I love my friends here. Glad they support me in so many ways. Soooo.... all I need now is a bar to drink happy hour at for cheap, a job so I can DRINK at said bar, a place to live of my own. (of OUR own) I want to be domestic, I'm freaking good at it. I want to cook meals and clean the house and take care of a baby (this is totally the ex-mormon left in me) and guess what? I can't do any of these things 'cause I don't have a place. I am so freaking bored I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! People say "get a hobby" while they themselves have none, or have a job or kids to occupy their time. Idle hands are the devils work etc etc etc. To these people I say "Fuck off! I don't WANT a hobby." I want a couple of things:
a baby, or a job. Perhaps a job, then later a baby... that would be the preferred order. And just so you know, NO we are not trying for a baby currently, but I am certain we will have one or two someday in the future. It just feels as since I am just going to be spending most of my time sitting around doing nothing and have done so for 9 months now, well,.... I could at least be NOW doing something like raising another kid before I get too old. Anyway, that's enough for now, I guess. I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I don't really have anything positive to say. I'm a bummer of a person even to myself.
a baby, or a job. Perhaps a job, then later a baby... that would be the preferred order. And just so you know, NO we are not trying for a baby currently, but I am certain we will have one or two someday in the future. It just feels as since I am just going to be spending most of my time sitting around doing nothing and have done so for 9 months now, well,.... I could at least be NOW doing something like raising another kid before I get too old. Anyway, that's enough for now, I guess. I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I don't really have anything positive to say. I'm a bummer of a person even to myself.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Bad Attitude Rant
I am pretty sick of my situation right now. Still feeling damn chaotic and not at home at all in this foreign state. Since I have moved to Seattle I have felt really sad in a way that is hard to explain. I miss my kids so much it feels like death is crushing my breathing capability. I don't have any sense of myself here. I don't have any good sense of my relationship with my boyfriend here, since we don't have our own space to live a good, domestic life. I don't have any sense of "home" here. I DO have a few friends, which I'm glad for. It's tough to be living in a place where not one thing feels like my own. Not mentally or physically. I know it will change when I get a job, and I WILL GET A JOB DAMNIT! But in the meantime, there are all these cracks and spaces to fill up but with what? All I can do is meander about feeling lonely and wonder what I could be doing differently to feel a different way. NONE of this is working. What is there left to do other than what I'm already doing??? I feel pretty helpless and pissed off in general at the bullshit that surrounds.
Mental illness, yes folks, I'm talking clinical& chronic depression here, doesn't help either. It's a never ending circle of crap. I had it before I left K. Falls, and now it feels like it's 15 times worse. I can't fully experience the ideal life that I want because it's just truly impossible right now. I know it will get better, I know this is not permanent, but what the hell else am I supposed to feel? Recently a loved one told me I was being manic, and I told him I wasn't, but he was probably right. I am kind of manic and panicky. It's just that in the heat of the moment, the crazy people (ME) don't want others ("normal people") to tell them how crazy and foolish they're acting. The crazy people (ME) just want a hug and a hand to hold and someone to say "It's going to be fine." Crazy people (ME) do NOT want someone to get defensive at them when they feel like they're going even MORE crazy because they have no sense of self. Jesus Christ already!!! People tell me "suck it up, it's not forever" or "be thankful you're not homeless." YEAH NO SHIT! It's not like I haven't thought of those things already, thank you very much Captain Obvious! I have thought of those things, but it doesn't help, and I'm looking for help and not finding it anywhere visible.
Sometimes I wish I believed in some kind of God so at least I could ask for some kind of help from that being... OR I can place the blame on something obscure.
I wish my thoughts will help someone else who is in this situation themselves, or who has EVER felt this shitty before. In the words of Courtney Love, who I hate by the way, "Have you ever felt so used up as this?" that's pretty much the only good line she had in a song.
I have no way to end this, so I might as well just yell really loudly "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
Mental illness, yes folks, I'm talking clinical& chronic depression here, doesn't help either. It's a never ending circle of crap. I had it before I left K. Falls, and now it feels like it's 15 times worse. I can't fully experience the ideal life that I want because it's just truly impossible right now. I know it will get better, I know this is not permanent, but what the hell else am I supposed to feel? Recently a loved one told me I was being manic, and I told him I wasn't, but he was probably right. I am kind of manic and panicky. It's just that in the heat of the moment, the crazy people (ME) don't want others ("normal people") to tell them how crazy and foolish they're acting. The crazy people (ME) just want a hug and a hand to hold and someone to say "It's going to be fine." Crazy people (ME) do NOT want someone to get defensive at them when they feel like they're going even MORE crazy because they have no sense of self. Jesus Christ already!!! People tell me "suck it up, it's not forever" or "be thankful you're not homeless." YEAH NO SHIT! It's not like I haven't thought of those things already, thank you very much Captain Obvious! I have thought of those things, but it doesn't help, and I'm looking for help and not finding it anywhere visible.
Sometimes I wish I believed in some kind of God so at least I could ask for some kind of help from that being... OR I can place the blame on something obscure.
I wish my thoughts will help someone else who is in this situation themselves, or who has EVER felt this shitty before. In the words of Courtney Love, who I hate by the way, "Have you ever felt so used up as this?" that's pretty much the only good line she had in a song.
I have no way to end this, so I might as well just yell really loudly "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
Monday, August 2, 2010
Time passing
Slowly oh so slowly. Time is passing.
Last week I spent in Southern Oregon hanging out with my mom & my kids at the coast. It was really fun, and it made me really miss my kids. This is the first summer in 5 years I haven't had them all summer long, and it sucks! I came back to Seattle knowing that I wasn't going to be living in the city anymore. Due to circumstances of life, my boyfriend and I had to move out of our apartment and are currently living in a bedroom in his mom's house in a suburb about 20 miles north of the city. Ugh. It's not like I don't like his mom--- that's not what the hard part is--- I REALLY like my "mom in law" she's rad! Living temporarily is just a tough thing to do, and we've all had to do it. Living out of boxes, and searching through plastic sacks for my shampoo is just generally annoying. I have hope that we both know this is not a PERMANENT situation. In fact, it seems the boy's sister might be moving out of her place, which would be perfect for us to move into. So let's all cross our fingers that this will work out properly for all involved parties!
So, anyway, after the vacation at the beach, it was really hard to come back to Seattle and feel kind of homeless. I really wanted to stay in Oregon for another month and just hang out with my kids and visit some old friends, and then go to Burning Man at the end... but that didn't happen. Instead, here I am feeling a bit weird in the suburbs.
Continuing on this seemingly endless job search may be easier here, let's hope so. On the other hand, let's hope that if I do get a job suddenly that I can still get time off to go to the desert this year.
Speaking of the desert... I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of nervous about it. I think I'm nervous because I'm camping with some people I've never camped with before, and it will be exciting to see the different and new dynamic in this new camp. My old home camp, the Vomiting Sparrows, is totally amazing, but I have felt a shift the past two years that I am not comfortable with entirely and have sought new grounds. This year will be those new grounds on the desert.
I am not ready... much much packing and purchasing and resting and prepping to be done before the Man burns.
To go back to the start of this post, I miss my kids, and I hope I can make it down to see them again soon. I only hope they will understand someday why I moved so far away from them. To make myself happy, so I guess I'll try harder to actually BE happy.
Last week I spent in Southern Oregon hanging out with my mom & my kids at the coast. It was really fun, and it made me really miss my kids. This is the first summer in 5 years I haven't had them all summer long, and it sucks! I came back to Seattle knowing that I wasn't going to be living in the city anymore. Due to circumstances of life, my boyfriend and I had to move out of our apartment and are currently living in a bedroom in his mom's house in a suburb about 20 miles north of the city. Ugh. It's not like I don't like his mom--- that's not what the hard part is--- I REALLY like my "mom in law" she's rad! Living temporarily is just a tough thing to do, and we've all had to do it. Living out of boxes, and searching through plastic sacks for my shampoo is just generally annoying. I have hope that we both know this is not a PERMANENT situation. In fact, it seems the boy's sister might be moving out of her place, which would be perfect for us to move into. So let's all cross our fingers that this will work out properly for all involved parties!
So, anyway, after the vacation at the beach, it was really hard to come back to Seattle and feel kind of homeless. I really wanted to stay in Oregon for another month and just hang out with my kids and visit some old friends, and then go to Burning Man at the end... but that didn't happen. Instead, here I am feeling a bit weird in the suburbs.
Continuing on this seemingly endless job search may be easier here, let's hope so. On the other hand, let's hope that if I do get a job suddenly that I can still get time off to go to the desert this year.
Speaking of the desert... I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of nervous about it. I think I'm nervous because I'm camping with some people I've never camped with before, and it will be exciting to see the different and new dynamic in this new camp. My old home camp, the Vomiting Sparrows, is totally amazing, but I have felt a shift the past two years that I am not comfortable with entirely and have sought new grounds. This year will be those new grounds on the desert.
I am not ready... much much packing and purchasing and resting and prepping to be done before the Man burns.
To go back to the start of this post, I miss my kids, and I hope I can make it down to see them again soon. I only hope they will understand someday why I moved so far away from them. To make myself happy, so I guess I'll try harder to actually BE happy.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The World Is a Cruel Mistress
Today I'm feeling especially vulnerable & annoyed at the world. I got turned down for yet another job due to circumstances beyond my current control. I don't like feeling this way. I have tried to shake it off about 100 times already and I just can't for some reason. I am wondering at the very origins of my coming to Seattle in the first place. It's like, which life would have been worse? Would it be worse to rot away in Klamath Falls without my boyfriend? But I was just recently able to find my footing financially while I was there. Literally right before I left I felt for the first time in my life I had my eggs kind of in a basket. Then I left in high hopes that I'd have no problems finding a job. And I didn't. At first. But the job I found was horrible and the hours were shit, so I left. (I know, I know...This is my own fault, I'm not here placing blame on anyone else) Would it be worse to live in this foreign city feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life? Seriously, everywhere I go there are people, and things, and sights, and I feel like I can't enjoy them because I am not equipped to do so. Neither emotionally or financially. People say "oh, well, go find the things that are free." and "there must be a park nearby" and while I do not discount these options, it's just that those are things I've ALREADY done and experienced. To me, a city is full of things to do "inside" that cost MONEY y'know? Emotionally feeling like everyone already has a few friends, and blown away by the fact that maybe people actually DO want to hang out with me. I feel like I'm 16 again trying to make friends with the "cool kids." And it feels crappy to me to go from feeling like things would work out to having all of my hopes dashed on the rocks below the cliff I jumped off of earlier this year. I need to re-evaluate and re-discover my reasons for coming here. If I remember them I think it will help.
SOOOOO..... I came here fully hoping for a good, stable relationship with Lee. I got that. Check! Well, as far as I can remember, that was really all I hoped for in coming here. As far as jobs go, I guess that hope came along after I'd been here for a few weeks and it was a reality that I was staying. I guess I did get what I came here for. And believe you me, I am thankful he doesn't leave me because of my flaky past, my rampant emotions and neediness, and every day I count my blessings that he is with me. I am afraid that it could all be ripped out from under me, and since it is the main good thing I have, it's the overwhelming thought scaring me today.
Blargh. I have a lot of other things I want to say right now, but I fear I am not making any sense and wonder if it all freaking matters anyway.
In the end, f*ck the world..... if only she could get her shit together like the rest of us. I trusted the universe to bring me northward to be with my life partner, and it gave me that much. Maybe I am asking too much for a job and some emotional stability as well.
SOOOOO..... I came here fully hoping for a good, stable relationship with Lee. I got that. Check! Well, as far as I can remember, that was really all I hoped for in coming here. As far as jobs go, I guess that hope came along after I'd been here for a few weeks and it was a reality that I was staying. I guess I did get what I came here for. And believe you me, I am thankful he doesn't leave me because of my flaky past, my rampant emotions and neediness, and every day I count my blessings that he is with me. I am afraid that it could all be ripped out from under me, and since it is the main good thing I have, it's the overwhelming thought scaring me today.
Blargh. I have a lot of other things I want to say right now, but I fear I am not making any sense and wonder if it all freaking matters anyway.
In the end, f*ck the world..... if only she could get her shit together like the rest of us. I trusted the universe to bring me northward to be with my life partner, and it gave me that much. Maybe I am asking too much for a job and some emotional stability as well.
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