This is the Spokane Ferry. There was a map of the ferry routes. The one I took led back & forth between Edmonds & Kingston. I would then drive north to Pt. Townsend.

Once I met up with my friend Mara, a.k.a. Spatch, we visited the tiny Science Center Museum on Pt. Townsend. Her couchsurfing hostess is a volunteer there and gave us all kinds of fun info. about the sea creatures. It was actually pretty cool! Here is Mara petting some starfish.


We petted all the sea creatures, and one of my favorites were these sand-dollars. I'd never actually seen one alive. It was really cool and great fun!

Contentment

Today my kids left Seattle after a week-long stay here. (My mom was here too, she is awesome and drove them up here & back 8 hours driving one way!!!) I am usually sad when they leave, and they are sad too. Their little brother was born back in Oregon while they were here so they got to go home & meet him. Usually when they leave, I spend the day melancholy, sad, and sleeping. Today, while I was a bit sad, I went to visit my friend Spatch. She & I met at Burning Man 2009. She is from New York, and I thought it might be a looooong time till I got to see her again. This thought made me sad, as she is one of the people I spent alot of time with and very much bonded with, and loved deeply while on the playa. Guess what? She is driving cross country and was visiting Washington, so we met up in Port Townsend. I had to drive North and catch a ferry over to Kingston, then drive up to see her. I'd never been to that part of Washington, and the drive was really quite amazing, and only an hour from Kingston to Pt. Townsend. We visited the Science Center Museum and saw some sea creatures.

Once there, after meeting her adorable puppydog Winter, we spoke about our lives.
It made me contemplate, yet again, how similar lives can be even when people are far away from each other. She told me of her decision to quit her job and move with her boyfriend across the country, so they could be together. While I didn't move across the country, I did quit my job and decided to move in with my boyfriend in a new state. Her concerns with her relationships were similar to mine, and her love for her man were similar to my love for my man. And the whole time, it was reassuring to know that YET AGAIN, I am not alone.
Yes, it's scary to take biiig jumps and not have jobs, and just trust that things will work out. It is too easy to let the bad things take over, and fight with my boyfriend and just let bad feelings take over because of the scary thoughts. But today, today, today, today.... I thought "why?" "Why am I letting the bad take over the good? Old habits? Because I'm afraid? Because I feel like I'm alone?" And while all of those thoughts are true and valid, they're also complete bullshit. Because just talking to Spatch was proof that I'm not alone. EVERYONE everywhere is taking big risks, and doing crazy things, and quitting jobs, and loving and fighting, and such. So, I decided to try harder to remember this. We are all connected for good or for bad. If I make a conscious attempt to TRY to let good take over, then maybe, just maybe, GOOD will become a force and a habit in my life. Above all, I'm thankful for the time I spent with Spatch. Just to catch up, to talk and to listen, to reassure each other that we are loved from afar, and especially her help (whether she knew she was helping or not) in making me recognize that I am not so alone after all. Thanks Spatch!


Also, it made me realize, that I DO have people here, friends even, who like to hang out with me. And I need to make an effort to invite those people over. Right now I have no job, and therefore no spending money really, but that doesn't mean that I can't invite someone over to play a game, or go for a walk outside, or go to a park, or something else for free. These people have tried to include me in their lives, and if I don't do the same, then I would be silly to let the chances pass me by. So to the friends I have made in Seattle, and the friends I have yet to make, cheers! Thanks all for including me, and thanks for being patient with my hesitancy.

Family Part Two

On June 20th, Lee's birthday, also Father's day (R.I.P. dads), we went strawberry picking at Biringer Farms. It was very rainy and wet. Not really cold, but very rainy. We got 3 flats of berries and his mom made them into strawberry shortcake for a yummy birthday treat!

Then we went to see Toy Story 3 at the Seattle Center at the IMAX theater. It was REALLY FUN! My kids got to see the space needle at night, they were excited about watching the elevator go up & down. We also visited the Giant Chair & Table.

Sabin & Chloe at The Space Needle.

Family

My kids & mom are in Seattle this week visiting us. It's been great fun! We went to watch Toy Story 3 at the IMAX and it was super fantastic. We have been going to the park every day so far, and the weather has cooperated and everything! YAY sun! Saturday we are going to see Cirque du Soleil, and Sunday we are driving up to Port Townsend, taking a ferry somewhere, and having a visit with my friend Spatch & her puppy Winter. (I'm looking forward to that.) On July 4th weekend , my family having a reunion in Idaho at my sister's house. I'm excited. All the kids in one spot... well except Brian, 'cause he can't make it, we understand, and Craig may he R.I.P. Anyway, 4 out of 6 ain't bad.
Having my kids here makes me happy but I'm not looking forward to when they have to go back home. Although THEY are in for a new experience, as their baby brother (on their dad & stepmoms side) Max was born while they were here visiting, so they can meet him! Having my kids here also makes me feel a little sad because I know they have to leave, and that always sucks. But I try to do my best while they are here even though I know I don't live up to the ideal. But then again, who DOES live up to the ideal? No one. Right! We are all imperfect in our own ways, including me, and I have to admit that although it's not personally ideal for me to not have my kids here all the time, I try to count myself among the lucky few who actually get to visit my kids on a regular basis.
That's all the new news for now.

My life map

I got a little bored & motivated all at once today. I decided to create a temporary life map for myself. I've been feeling general malaise lately, which sucks. And then I found out recently that I have gained 7 pounds since I've moved here. To those of you who know me, I am not some huge obese person, but the weight I am at now is only 3 pounds less than when I was 9 months pregnant... to which I must say I am personally NOT happy about. I am not comparing myself to others, and I know others have battles worse than mine, but the point is that I am unhappy with the weight so I am going to TRY to change it. I think mental & physical health usually go hand in hand for me anyway, so I am doing both. Ugh. So I am setting out on a mission to lose 20-30 pounds. Because I might as well do it now, before I have to set about losing 40-100 pounds y'know??? I watch Biggest Loser avidly, and I think that if those people can lose about TWO of me in weight, then I must be silly to not at least TRY to lose 25 pounds, right?? RIGHT! I made a list of general things to keep track of including:
Food, Physical, Mental, If I Slack, Personal/Relationships, Summary. I made sure that I am allowed to change the things on the list as I need to be flexible. I'm only human. I've been trying to keep a sharp eye out on my mental feelings so as to not to fly out of control. I had one break, but that is a big improvement from an every day breakdown, so it's all good so far.
Then my awesomest boyfriend made me a checklist to go along with my "map." He made all the things on my list with boxes next to them, so I could totally keep track of my progress, good AND bad. (side note, Lee is so freaking rad, he's really the best boyfriend EVER. I didn't ask him to help, other than to help hold me accountable, and he made me a checklist.... PERFECT)
Also on the checklist it says "Here's what else I did that was awesome" and "Here's what else I did that I regret"
Anyway, I'm excited to start trying to make a change for the better, even a small one. I will keep y'all posted on the progress. If any one wants details, let me know, I will send them.

The Universe Takes Another One

Dear Universe,

You can probably stop killing people off now. What is it with you and your need to rob us of the great ones? So many years of destruction. I'm pissed off at you right now. I've had enough of your bullshit. Maybe it's time for you to get off your lazy, mean, ass and just send some good things our way, all right? I'd really appreciate it and, more importantly, so would my boyfriend and his family! As if stealing MY dad & brother wasn't enough, now you go & take HIS dad too??? Well, to this universe, to this moment, I give a big "FUCK YOU! AND the horse you rode in on."
p.s. I know that I should probably talk nicely to next time, but right now I just don't feel like it. So there. You've helped me out in the past, and I'm hoping that you help me out in the future, but right now, You are totally on my bad side.

Erika

Goals- or more appropriately- The Lack Thereof

Am I the only one who doesn't set goals? It's all around me. This weird "pressure" to have some sort of "goal." In my latest job interviews I got asked what my goals were and I said "To build a life in this city." And one woman asked me "So, you just came up here not knowing what you were going to do?" and I said, "Well yes pretty much." She seemed pleased enough with that answer, so the interview moved on. Anyway this is not about that interview, that is just one example.
On T.V. , in books, from random strangers, in school, in collge, at jobs, on fliers, on advertisements, it's always about "what are your goals" or "change your life today!" Well I have NEVER set goals. I grew up Mormon and the superiors were always telling us to set goals, long and short term to better prepare for a good life. While I saw the point, I would go home and sit down and try to make a goal and could NEVER come up with any. I tried to think recently what my goals are currently, and I just don't have any. My life boils to one basic point. STRIVE TO BE HAPPY. And if I can do that, well, then I've reached my 'goal' right?
Easier said than done. I know that I am such a small speck in the grand scheme of life; on this whole planet my own problems seem to be nothing compared to what others have to deal with; HOWEVER minute they seem, they still exist. My anger, sadness, pain, depression, it exists even knowing it's worth NOTHING. And there-in lies the mental fucked-up-ness of it all. How do I get rid of it? Why do I feel worthless? I exist. I am human. I am. Pinpointing my self-doubt could take the rest of my life and I still don't think I would understand exactly where it comes from. Maybe I need to focus rather on ways to recognize it so I don't freak out when those moments happen. Maybe I need to "take the plan and spin it sideways" (in the words of a Placebo song). Maybe I need to just admit to the world that I am totally OK and doing just fine even though I don't make goals.
Anyway, just wondering, does anyone else out there feel as if they ALSO don't make goals and are doing OK?

Burning Man ruined my life

As if. Yeah right. Shut up hippie you're going to make me cry! Slow down plane, you are kicking up dust *shakes fist in anger at sky*..... Burning Man Ruined My Life. In the good way of ruin, that is. This "festival" or whatever the hell you want to call it has truly changed me for the better. I am stirred with emotion tonight and really missing the Playa, all The Vomiting Sparrows, all my friends I've met there. It hurts in an aching way. It's my family. My brothers & sisters & BEST FRIENDS. Some of the people I've met live in a whole different country--- S. Africa, Israel, England.... and some others live in America... and some others live places I've never even heard of (i.e. The Deep End or 8o'clock and C) But the truth of the matter is that DAMN I LOVE THOSE BURNERS!!!!

Last year was EPIC. Life changing. Well, it's always been life changing, but the 2009 year made it such that I was not going to live my life anymore in a comfortable manner. It pushed me to my farthest limits. Going back home to Oregon after the burn was horrible. It was truly one week spent in Portland which helped me "come down" and touch base with the default world again. I made up my mind that week a goal for myself: I said that by July 1st, I would no longer be living in Klamath Falls. And if I didn't reach that goal, my friends were allowed to kick my ass literally, and to hold me accountable.

Guess what? I reached that goal WAAAAAAAY before its time. Do you know why? Because in 2006 I met another Burner, my current boyfriend, Lee. And he took me under his wing in every possible way. I am so thankful for the desert. The playa truly does provide. (that's a cheers to you Team Next... you all taught me that) I feel so freaking lucky to have experienced such a great time for 4 weeks of my life. This means that 1 whole month I have spent at Burning Man. HOLY SHIT! I have had my ticket gifted to me twice (thanks to Frank & Scotty/Suz) and bought my ticket the other times. The playa has provided me with so many things I never realized before.

I CAN change my life. I can make friends no matter what. I can climb, jump, sing, roll in dust, ride a bike, be sober, be the furthest thing away from sober, cry, laugh, scream, love, have sex, eat, drink, not shower for 7 days....Whatever the Hell I feel like doing WHENEVER I WANT!!! And guess what? I can do those things in REAL LIFE too.

I am truly proud of myself for reaching a goal that I never truly deemed realistic. I am so thankful for the friends who pushed me in this direction and for the friends I had at the other end to catch me when I jumped. My dear friend Scott told me "You can't deny what the universe is telling you anymore. Go. Go." And it clicked. And I went. And I stayed. And here I am. Without burning man, NONE of this could be possible... my current life would mean nothing, would NOT exist without this one thing I do in the desert every year.

I thank the playa gods for punching me in my face and telling me to come to Seattle, to come to the one I was meant to be with all along, to burn my ass off and meet such great family all the while. So basically, Burning Man ruined my life. I wouldn't ask for anything else.

Seeing myself in someone else

I talked to one of my friends from K. Falls today. Although it was a brief conversation it really hit home. She told me of another night of drinking till the blackout point. It worried me. This is a history in her life, and she knows it is a problem. She knows she should quit drinking. And while I do back her up in this recognizance, I feel terribly hypocritical in doing so. I mean, really, how long did it take ME to "quit drinking" when I was lost in the spiral of alcoholism? For about one whole year, and then most of another year, my life was a horrible mess. Involved with a dick-head boyfriend, who was emotionally abusive when drunk (and when sober really)... working full time (so I could support his & my alcoholic habits) at a fast-food job.... going to school taking 12-13 credits all at the same time. 6 out 7 nights were spent screaming at each other in drunken rages, followed by 3 hours of sleep or less, followed by 5 hours of school, followed by 8-9 hours of work at Subway, followed by going to the bar to do it all again. It truly IS a spiral. While I still have to remind myself, 4 years after this experience, to "keep an eye on my drinking habit" I could only see myself in my friend while she told me of her experiences while drunk. I never personally "blacked out" from alcohol, but definitely there have been near-misses and a bunch of fuzzy memories which were filled in by my friends the next day. My drinking habit never did me any good at the time, yet I wasn't able to stop. I wasn't able to fully quit the shitty relationship until 2 years after the hardest part as well. Alcohol was the fuel to my fire. Finally, in 2008, I got a DUI. It was a horrendous experience, and while I got LUCKY that no one got hurt due to my stupid actions, it taught me a lesson to take a step back when I'm drinking and to learn my "limit".... now I know everyone has to learn limits for themselves, and that is what TERRIFIES me about my friend. She also has one DUI under her belt. She has been put in really shitty situations due to her OWN faults while drinking. So what can I do? What could I do while I was living there? NOTHING. I can only watch & hope she learns for herself before it's too late to get out, or before something horrible truly does happen. It makes me sick because I don't want her to have to live a life similar to how horrible mine was. And while she isn't involved with a shitty boyfriend, obviously there is something driving her to drink so much. I could blame the misery of her town. K. Falls is truly a horrible soul sucking place for some of us. (myself included) But that's not the WHOLE reason. I worry for her. I worry for myself. I worry for everyone out there who feels such desperation that the only thing we can do is "drink it away until we can't feel".... she knows the problem. She KNOWS there is a solution. I hope she can figure it out & follow through. I hope that in the meantime, I can learn from MY OWN lessons and not repeat the past.