What a Year for a New Year

Isn't New Year the time to reflect on what happened during the year? To make resolutions? I'm choosing none of the above. First of all, I reflect daily on what's gone on in my life, so I feel no need to do it all the time Second of all, I don't like making resolutions because I tend to immediately break them. However, this year may be an exception. I am going to pay off my court fines, and that is some sort of resolve, right? Also I really want to visit Costa Rica & Israel next year so I'm going to try to save up some $$$ flow. Two of my closest friends live in those countries and it gives me an excuse to get out the USA, which I've never done before, right? So might as well start now.

Oh the new year.... what a year for a new year indeed... that song keeps plugging through my head. It's been not the best year to say the least. Quitting school, Turning the big 3-0, My first encounter with the law/jail cells/, My first experience with a close family member dying.... On the plus side, there's been some good, such as, quitting school, turning 30, moving out, being close to family. The circumstances that brought us together are not the best, not ideal, but I'm glad we're all closer now, even though we're physically far apart.

I miss dad, don't we all, and I know the pain WILL lessen in time, maybe the new year will be part of that. It doesn't seem quite real yet that he's gone. I just keep expecting him to show up, like maybe he's on some LONG vacation somewhere. My logical mind knows this is not right, and of course he's dead, but my emotional mind tells me otherwise. It's whacky.

So as the new year approaches, I hope you all can make resolves you will or won't keep, sleep well, be peaceful, be happy, and save money. Don't worry, I'll be there to help!

Weird Dreams

Last night I had a CRAZY dream about dad. He showed up at his house and mom was acting like it wasn't a big deal. This is like the 3rd dream I've had about him faking his death, but the other ones were funny, this one was a little weird/scary. So back to the dream... I'm freaking out, and mom's like, "naw, it's just that we buried him alive. He found a way out." I'm like "whatever, NO, we didn't, I remember he was dead on the bed in the hospital, remember mom?" yelling at her, and she's just calm going "no, he wasn't dead. We raised him up." I said "like Lazurus? What the hell? He's a demon, mom, he's not dad." And I looked over and dad's face was all like an exray of the devil's cartoon face. Then I woke up but it took a minute to realize that dad wasn't a devil nor did he fake his death. Dreams are cool.

Cheesy Christmas Parties

It's been cold here but not snowing (yet) and that's great! I've just been chillin' out working a lot.... 40 hours a week is ridiculous, at this point Burger King has become my second home, but hey, it pays the bills. Last night I attended Shanna's Cheesy Xmas Sweater Party, it was loads of fun. Good food, good drinks, and great conversations. I love Christmas Parties. I got the outfit at goodwill. The headband is from the dollar store, and the boots I bought over the summer and wore all around burning man. It's disgusting that at one point someone paid GREAT money for the clothes we all had on. Ew. Shaun & Wes were the flake brothers, and Wes won the prize for best accessories because of his sign that says "so many flakes so little time" He's a librarian so that's quite fitting for him. Margot, the lady on the right, won the prize for best metallics. If any of you have not had a cheesy sweater party, I suggest it highly! Sappy holidays one and all. It's great fun and a great way to become bonded through tackiness.

Giving Thanks

Today is yet another Thanksgiving. I've never been a fan of thanksgiving as far as holidays go, I believe the basis of such holiday to be far too gory and racist for my liking. Also I'm not a big fan of ANY of the food OR festivities. I don't like mashed potatoes, I'm not a fan of either ham or turkey, football is another stupid sport I don't watch, I don't like yams, I hate stuffing, pumpkin pie=gross etc. Usually I end up eating the following : fruit salad (if available to me), olives, rolls, a small bit of turkey, and a piece of whatever pie is not pumpkin. It always ends up being pretty boring. Today I went with mom and my 2 kids over to mom's sister's house, Aunt Carol's. It was more fun than usual, she has a lot of kids who have a lot of kids so there was a lot of action going on. Afterwards we went to blockbuster (one of the places actually open for business) and rented some movies for the kids. Family rentals are only $1 if they're not new release, so they each got to pick two. Their picks included Spy Kids 3D, some Mario movie, some Disney Princess thing, and some Bratz movie. Mom & I picked The Spiderwick Chronicles and Vantage Point. I haven't watched either one yet. (Speaking of movies, I just watched Religulous with Bill Maher. It was pretty rad as far as anti-religion movies go, just up my ally.)

This was the first holiday to be celebrated without dad. I've had mixed feelings about it. Wednesday night was spent crying in my bed alone for an hour. It 's in these moments that I feel very alone.... I have noone to sleep next to, or wake up to, or cry on, or anyone to listen to me. And in some ways, that's a good thing. But in the darkest hours, I find myself alone. It happens this way in my life, however, I'm used to it. It's the part of being single that I despise the most. I'm surrounded in this town by my father. Everywhere I go reminds me of him. The place he used to work, where he would park his car, where he loved to go eat, the library, the canned food store, EVERY LITTLE THING is around me. I can't imagine what mom must feel like living in their house. I want so much, I ache, to leave. I ache to come back home with mom, and I know I can't, and I hate it. I can't because of the winter. My job is such that some nights I don't get off work till midnight, there's no way I could drive 12 miles safely, and I'm not sleeping on friends couches this year AGAIN.

I'm thankful for my own home, however lonely it may seem. I'm thankful for my decision to find out who I am before I commit to being with someone else. I'm thankful in my own strength to make a decision to stand on my own two feet, just to see if I can. I'm thankful for an amazing family, who are always there when I need them, even if just in spirit. I'm thankful for my children, for they bring me joy daily. I'm even thankful to be surrounded by dad's memories, because at this point it's all I've got left.

Mom's Birthday Celebration

Hey all. On Friday night mom had a birthday party at the R&G Grand Buffet. We all know how much her and dad loved buffets. Apparently dad was planning a surprise party for her, and luckily he told Becky McGuire about it. So Becky followed through with the plan. It was a girls only party (excluding Sabin my son). She didn't know about it, and was pretty surprised and quite tearful. I took my kids to the dollar store to get presents. (We LOVE the dollar tree) They spent quite some time finding cards. Sabin found one that said "for the loss of your loved one" and asked if we could get it for her. This made ME cry and of course it made mom cry as well. That kid's smart, I'll tell you. Chloe gave her a Christmas card, but it's the one she wanted. I only took one picture, sorry. I had intent to take more, but I'm a slacker on picture taking sometimes. Especially when I'm eating delicious food. Oh yeah, also it was fish night, so that made mom happy as well.

In other news, yesterday burger king got health inspected & we passed with flying colors! That means that managers get bonuses! Heck Yeah!

Today I was very bored at work all freakin' day long. I miss my family. It was really amazing having everyone here as crappy as the circumstances were. I have to work though to receive money as this is a good thing. The bonus at work today is the managers all got bonuses, so I got $50. This is good so now I can pay almost half of my power bill!!! Jeeze, electricity doesn't come cheap. Here are some pictures I took of myself cuz I was bored. OOH! Fun digital cameras, I need to figure this crap out.

A new Blog... I'm so trendy now!

This is my first blog. We'll see if I actually keep it up or not. I don't have all the time access to the web, but I'll do my best.

Here is a picture of my mom & dad at The Stake Green & Gold Ball held last year. My dad passed away on Oct. 30, 2008. The boot is the last boot that my dad was repairing, and it's a "work in progress"

Love you dad. Miss ya.