Winter thoughts

It's winter. Which is my least favorite season by far! I hate snow, I don't like being cold, I don't really like cold rainy stuff, etc etc etc. Most of all, I don't like winter because it makes me feel lonely and alone. Both of those.

Right now I don't exactly have an optimal living situation. I am constantly worried about being a burden on my extended family. I am not homeless by any means... thank goodness! It's just that I STILL feel out of place and like I don't have my OWN place, because I don't. So I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I am faced with a number of decisions about my living situation. I could go back to my god-forsaken home-town for a temporary living situation, just to get through the winter. Which would just make me hate winter even MORE than I hate it already. It would force me to give up my volunteering commitment which disappoints me, because I don't like to let people down when I give my word to doing something. Also, I don't really WANT to go back home, because I hate that town so much. Every time I am there I feel like crap and am filled with anxiety and rage and hatred, I just don't know if I would be able to handle it with no distractions. BUT... it would be a house to live in and it would be warm. I would be able to see my friends there and actually spend time with them. I might be able to see my kids a few more times while I'm there. On the other hand, I would really miss my boyfriend and my friends here. And I wouldn't be doing any good because I would miss out on any job opportunities which might come up here.

If I leave, I would be comfortable, this is a given. BUT, if I leave I will be lonely. But I'm already lonely. It's just kind of a truly confusing circle I feel I am stuck in. I don't really have any available couches to surf on here, and it feels terrible just feeling stuck in a bad situation and not having any power over it. I know I have power over my emotions, and that's what I'm trying to deal with.

I don't 100% want to go back to Oregon, but I'm feeling really stressed out and lonely here, and maybe it would help... then again, maybe it would make it worse.
I want to be comfortable and I am not, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
It's tough. I hate it. I don't know what to do. Go or stay, go or stay.

Of course I would come back here to Seattle, I would only be gone for a couple of months, but is it worth it? Why can't someone just figure it out for me? Where do I look? I'm spent. I'm sad. I'm cold. I'm lonely. It's winter.

The randomness of my MIND

Here are just a few thoughts I have right this second in no particular order:

1. I really like the way snow makes the earth look, I love the way it makes me feel like I could have a new beginning every time the snow falls. But I STILL and will always hate driving in it.

2. I don't give a shit if you don't agree with my lifestyle or my choices. I don't agree with yours either, but I don't try to argue with you about it because I just don't like to argue!

3. There are a few t.v. shows I really enjoy watching and I'm not going to feel bad for watching them! People say T.V. rots your brain and there are better ways to spend your time... don't get me wrong, there probably ARE better ways to spend my time. BUT, I am not going to feel bad because I could have spent those three hours (in which I am alone by the way) a week making my bed, or washing a dish, or going shopping, or hiking, or ANY number of other options... instead of watching a T.V. show. Fuck it. I like some shows and I will watch them, and if YOU don't want to watch them, then don't. I don't care how you spend your alone time, really I don't.

4. I like high fructose corn syrup and processed foods. Oreos.... YUMMMM. I'm not saying I will ONLY eat these, because I don't. Because I have enough sense to know that I need to eat a balanced diet and EVERYTHING should be taken in moderation, and this includes ALL FOODS!!! If you don't want to eat them, it's fine, then don't, but don't push your bullshit "values" on my life. Thank you. I refuse to feel guilty for sometimes enjoying sweets and salty snacks. LAAAME.

5. Sex is definitely one of the best things I have in my life. I am glad to live in a country where I have the freedom to be open about my sexuality and I am able to not be truly afraid of daily rape, (for myself AND my daughter) and I am thankful I still have my clit because it hasn't been cut off.... that shit is soooo fucked up. I am glad I have the FREEDOM and KNOWLEDGE to enjoy sexual pleasure with whomever I want, whenever I want.

6. I really appreciate the friendships I have made throughout my life. I have lost a few in the meantime also, but it makes me HOLD the ones I have even more dear and close to my heart. People grow apart from each other, people change, but all it takes is ONE kind word to say I love you to your friends.

It's not you, It's me..... YEAH RIGHT! It's totally YOU.

Have you ever told someone gently "It's not you, it's ME" to make them feel better? I know I have. And to EVERY person I have said that to, it was a LIE! I'm setting it straight right here and now. It was YOU not ME. It was YOU who was a douchebag so I had to dump you. It was YOU who couldn't keep my secrets secret so I said fuck you. It was YOU who wrongfully judged me for something you didn't bother to find the truth about so I let you go. And you know what??? I don't feel bad about it.
Fuck feeling bad. I feel GOOD.
Bytheway, this is not aimed at any one in particular and I haven't recently had to deal with this , thank goodness, but I've just been thinking about that saying and its connotations lately.
So for all of you reading this, or not, remember, it's not ME it's YOU!