Today was a very bad day. Long story short, I was told to not come to work until I talked with my manager. Fine, I will do that. (If you want details, ask me, I will tell) So, good news is that I didn't have to wake up again at 4 a.m. which is why I'm awake NOW!!!
So, I had a really horrible day in general, and spent a lot of time crying and my eyes burned awhile, and then I decided to stop. What happens in my life is usually in my hands, and what happens in this situation is completely in my own hands!!!
I know I am stuck in this stupid stupid work area which I dislike very much, and it's a never ending circle of bill-paying/working/billpaying etc. like most of everyone else, so I know I'm not alone in this. I've been pointing my inner self northward, and I think this is just one more thing to make me jump that direction.
Since I didn't have to wake up early, I decided to go out with some friends, and in the process ran into a few friends I haven't seen in a looooong time. All of which encouraged me to leave my current situation and go north. None of these friends knew of what happened today, so that just added some fuel to my fire in the best of ways. All along, some of the friends who knew what happened told me to not worry and that the grand scheme will not be changed either way. Everyone is right.
I'm so thankful for them. I'm so thankful for my life, even when it is a ball of drama, and of unknowing, and I'm really really really scared out of my mind, but I will take life either way, good or bad.... knowing that it is my own choosing. Maybe it has to be bad before the good can truly show the path to me.
Anyway, on the way home tonight it was really snowing hard. I got all the way to Round Lake Rd., was going about 25 m.p.h. and slid off the road and hit a tree with my truck. Literally smacked right into it. It was scary. After a few minutes of sitting there in the ditch in shock, I did the following.
1. Said a prayer to whoever is listening.
2. My truck started first try.
3. I turned on the hubs into four-wheel-drive (remembering my dad all along, as he showed me how years ago, and said a thankyou to him)
4. Got back into the truck and pulled out of the ditch in 4-wheel-drive.
5. Drove home and got home safely.
I don't believe this could have been possible without the protection of my dad and brother. I think they are my angels. Maybe not the 'angelic winged' kind, but the kind who know when I need help, physical & emotional and are there to deliver it.
There is something beyond this world, some kind of 'heaven' and I am soo sooo thankful my family has my back.
This whole day , evening, has led me to believe that I am meant for some greater purpose. My friends and family have helped me remember to not lose focus of what I am doing, of where I am going. I am meant to go north, I am meant for a greater life outside of these walls.
It just took a really hard lesson for me to learn and I have.
Thankyou to all of you who helped.
Humble.... I am ever humble and in thanks and in love. Yes in love. But that is a whole different story...
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Some Random info. about Myself
1. I hate rollercoasters and or anything that has to do with "fast riding." I really really hate them all. And by hate, I mean I will throw up and get SERIOUS anxiety attacks. I went on a rollercoaster all of twice in my life and both times ended up crying. Including Space Mountain at Disneyland... that stuff SERIOUSLY scares me, OK.
2. I am REALLY short. It's annoying. Most people don't realize how annoyed I really am by my height, or lack thereof. I mean, I don't really notice how short I am until I am in a store, say, and a 6 year old walks by and is a head taller than me. Or when I'm next to someone like Ryan, standing up, and he's like twice my height. Or when I can't see the tops of fridges, reach stuff on shelves, or fit in position 69 well. Damn, it sucks to be so short. I'm only 5 foot Zero and to this I say, "F*ck you bad genes!!!"
2.5 And speaking of being short, it sucks that most of USA associates shortness with youth. I KNOW this is part of why I don't look my age- 29 - and so f*ck off stranger. Sorry, I can't grow anymore, what the hell. I get so sick of hearing "You don't look your age." I really WANT to look my age thankyou, then maybe more people would have respect for me. Or maybe not, cuz I'm kindof an outrageous bitch. How's that for 29?!
3. I have an irrational fear of being alone. I'm not sure what this stems from. And by alone, I don't mean like 'emotionally' alone; like physically left alone being the last one in the world and not knowing what to do. I don't even like being in my own house alone for too long. Although on the other side, I love spending time alone and I love to just chill and relax by myself. Sometimes I am quite antisocial believe it or not.
4. I can't remember what my natural hair color is. Surprise surprise. It's some shade of ugly dirty blonde. When I was very young, I had very long, very white blonde hair. As I got older it got brown and mousyish so I began dying it. And the first color I ever dyed it was blue. After that was red. Since then, it's been nothing but chaos.
4.5 Speaking of hair, I am also very proud of the fact that I look damn cute with really short hair; not many girls can say that. So to all you "long haired" girls who are too scared to cut your hair, I say "GOOD! PUSSY! More hot guys for me"
5. When I was a little kid, I used to be REALLY afraid of cows. We lived in the middle of nowhere, see, and cows used to roam freely in my yard. I was like a foot tall probably, and cows are still big to humans. The first dream I remember is of two cows- a black one and an orange one- stomping on me; they were on their hind legs and just massacreing me. I started screaming; my mom says to this day she thought something TERRIBLE was happening. Well, it was in my head, the cows were killing me. Now I choose to kill them, figuratively, and eat them. So take that and like it cows.
6. I really miss when I used to wear makeup every day. Now when I wear it, people ask disgustedly, "Are you wearing makeup" Incredulous of me, I know, but sometimes I just want to look cute OK. So the next time you see me with make up on, shut the Hell up, unless you're going to say, "Hey it looks cute."
7. I used to have really small boobs and now I still have small ish boobs, but they're my favorite part of my body. I used to stand in front of the mirror and wish I had cleavage. It's still new to me, this whole cleavage idea, and I freaking love it. Good game, self, good game. And to the boobs I say, "Thankyou for breastfeeding two kids." And also, if you ever have the pleasure of getting naked with me, don't forget about my boobs. They're nice, ask anyone.....
8. Hallucinogens are a HUGE part of why my memory doesn't work as well as it once did; and truthfully I don't know if ever worked right in the first place. They changed my life over the course of time and only for good. To EVERY single person I've ever tripped with, been around while I was tripping, etc... I say, I LOVE YOU! Thankyou for being there.
9. I figured out that I've been in three, count 'em, three emotionally abusive relationships in a row (and one was physically abusive for a second). This streak has got to break, and I'm trying that starting right now. Let's all hope this time it works.
10. I really like writing and reading and when I grow up someday I would love to write a memoir. I guess I could start now, huh? Memoirs are my favorite kind of books and I really like to read them. My life is fun sometimes, so I guess other people might want to read about it, and if they don't, well f*ck those guys.
11. Is my favorite number. But once it was 3. And once it was 14. And no, these aren't the number of people I've slept with. ELEVEN just sounds cool. Three was my favorite when I was little. I don't know why.
12. I get really freaking sick of people who expect me to know what the Hell I'm doing with my life, like I have some grand plan. I don't have a clue. The only reason I'm going to college is because I got divorced and found out my ex was cheating on me with a girl whom he ended up marrying who is now raising my kids and oh yeah the mormons didn't tell me that was possible... and in my naive youth I once thought I'd be married forever. Plan "B" is school, and God knows why I'm here. Do I care? Not really. I just try to be happy, so PLEASE screw off with your "get your life together" bullshit.
This is why I surround myself with good people.
13. I nearly always put in more to relationships than I ever get out of them. One time it was equal, and now all I can do is hope to get that chance someday again, either with him or someone else.
14. Once I was naked with this guy in his bed, and we didn't have sex. I'm glad in retrospect that nothing happened. Nowadays I still know this man, and I'm secretly "in love"with the kind of man he is now. I guess it's not a secret anymore. And by "in love" I mean, he's the kind of man I would love to be with. He rocks!
14. I love my friends. All of you who are reading this, thankyou, and if you're not, well, then I love you anyway. I would give all of me to you if necessary. Thankyou for reading.
2. I am REALLY short. It's annoying. Most people don't realize how annoyed I really am by my height, or lack thereof. I mean, I don't really notice how short I am until I am in a store, say, and a 6 year old walks by and is a head taller than me. Or when I'm next to someone like Ryan, standing up, and he's like twice my height. Or when I can't see the tops of fridges, reach stuff on shelves, or fit in position 69 well. Damn, it sucks to be so short. I'm only 5 foot Zero and to this I say, "F*ck you bad genes!!!"
2.5 And speaking of being short, it sucks that most of USA associates shortness with youth. I KNOW this is part of why I don't look my age- 29 - and so f*ck off stranger. Sorry, I can't grow anymore, what the hell. I get so sick of hearing "You don't look your age." I really WANT to look my age thankyou, then maybe more people would have respect for me. Or maybe not, cuz I'm kindof an outrageous bitch. How's that for 29?!
3. I have an irrational fear of being alone. I'm not sure what this stems from. And by alone, I don't mean like 'emotionally' alone; like physically left alone being the last one in the world and not knowing what to do. I don't even like being in my own house alone for too long. Although on the other side, I love spending time alone and I love to just chill and relax by myself. Sometimes I am quite antisocial believe it or not.
4. I can't remember what my natural hair color is. Surprise surprise. It's some shade of ugly dirty blonde. When I was very young, I had very long, very white blonde hair. As I got older it got brown and mousyish so I began dying it. And the first color I ever dyed it was blue. After that was red. Since then, it's been nothing but chaos.
4.5 Speaking of hair, I am also very proud of the fact that I look damn cute with really short hair; not many girls can say that. So to all you "long haired" girls who are too scared to cut your hair, I say "GOOD! PUSSY! More hot guys for me"
5. When I was a little kid, I used to be REALLY afraid of cows. We lived in the middle of nowhere, see, and cows used to roam freely in my yard. I was like a foot tall probably, and cows are still big to humans. The first dream I remember is of two cows- a black one and an orange one- stomping on me; they were on their hind legs and just massacreing me. I started screaming; my mom says to this day she thought something TERRIBLE was happening. Well, it was in my head, the cows were killing me. Now I choose to kill them, figuratively, and eat them. So take that and like it cows.
6. I really miss when I used to wear makeup every day. Now when I wear it, people ask disgustedly, "Are you wearing makeup" Incredulous of me, I know, but sometimes I just want to look cute OK. So the next time you see me with make up on, shut the Hell up, unless you're going to say, "Hey it looks cute."
7. I used to have really small boobs and now I still have small ish boobs, but they're my favorite part of my body. I used to stand in front of the mirror and wish I had cleavage. It's still new to me, this whole cleavage idea, and I freaking love it. Good game, self, good game. And to the boobs I say, "Thankyou for breastfeeding two kids." And also, if you ever have the pleasure of getting naked with me, don't forget about my boobs. They're nice, ask anyone.....
8. Hallucinogens are a HUGE part of why my memory doesn't work as well as it once did; and truthfully I don't know if ever worked right in the first place. They changed my life over the course of time and only for good. To EVERY single person I've ever tripped with, been around while I was tripping, etc... I say, I LOVE YOU! Thankyou for being there.
9. I figured out that I've been in three, count 'em, three emotionally abusive relationships in a row (and one was physically abusive for a second). This streak has got to break, and I'm trying that starting right now. Let's all hope this time it works.
10. I really like writing and reading and when I grow up someday I would love to write a memoir. I guess I could start now, huh? Memoirs are my favorite kind of books and I really like to read them. My life is fun sometimes, so I guess other people might want to read about it, and if they don't, well f*ck those guys.
11. Is my favorite number. But once it was 3. And once it was 14. And no, these aren't the number of people I've slept with. ELEVEN just sounds cool. Three was my favorite when I was little. I don't know why.
12. I get really freaking sick of people who expect me to know what the Hell I'm doing with my life, like I have some grand plan. I don't have a clue. The only reason I'm going to college is because I got divorced and found out my ex was cheating on me with a girl whom he ended up marrying who is now raising my kids and oh yeah the mormons didn't tell me that was possible... and in my naive youth I once thought I'd be married forever. Plan "B" is school, and God knows why I'm here. Do I care? Not really. I just try to be happy, so PLEASE screw off with your "get your life together" bullshit.
This is why I surround myself with good people.
13. I nearly always put in more to relationships than I ever get out of them. One time it was equal, and now all I can do is hope to get that chance someday again, either with him or someone else.
14. Once I was naked with this guy in his bed, and we didn't have sex. I'm glad in retrospect that nothing happened. Nowadays I still know this man, and I'm secretly "in love"with the kind of man he is now. I guess it's not a secret anymore. And by "in love" I mean, he's the kind of man I would love to be with. He rocks!
14. I love my friends. All of you who are reading this, thankyou, and if you're not, well, then I love you anyway. I would give all of me to you if necessary. Thankyou for reading.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thankful. Love. Etc.
HOLIDAYS!!! I actually give Christmas a YEA. I love holidays. I love carols, and snow outside, and good feelings from looking at xmas lights, and opening presents, and children laughing and stuff.... I've always loved Christmas, and this year is no different.
Recently I've had the pleasure of having life go my way. This makes me happy, how could it not? The man I have feelings for actually has feelings back, similar to the ones I have for him. That's a nice feeling- reciprocation is a rarity in my life. The teensy weensy problem is that I am currently living 464 miles away from him. BIIIIG SIGH. No, friends, this was NOT an internet romance (not that there's anything wrong with those, I have some RAD craig's list friends these days, both named Nate weirdly enough) but anyway.... we're just far away from each other. Which leads me to trying even HARDER to get north by the summer. And hopefully sooner if possible.
Needless to say, I'm freaking walking on cloud nine lately. My head is in the clouds in every good way. I like this one. I mean, really really really really like, a whole bunch. And he likes me! What the Hell!!! This whole thing is reminding me that timing is truly important in my life, and it has always been off until now. I don't know what happened in the air to make our paths crash, but I'm really thankful they have. He is so .... comfortable. And sexy. And amazing. And truthful. And he sings and plays guitar. And accepting. And smart. And sweet. And a-ma-zing. So, for the past three years or so, there's been this whole thing waiting to happen and finally it has and damn if I didn't see it coming. It has been surprising and still kind-of is honestly. I'm not sure it is really real, but the lines of reality in my life have always been blurry.
So, just wanted to shout it from the mountaintops. I'm totally happy. I'm totally blessed. I'm totally thankful. I'm totally loved. And this IS my life. Jeeze, I'm lucky. This is just one of the many many things I have to feel lucky about, and the point of this whole bloggity blog is to let everyone know.
Recently I've had the pleasure of having life go my way. This makes me happy, how could it not? The man I have feelings for actually has feelings back, similar to the ones I have for him. That's a nice feeling- reciprocation is a rarity in my life. The teensy weensy problem is that I am currently living 464 miles away from him. BIIIIG SIGH. No, friends, this was NOT an internet romance (not that there's anything wrong with those, I have some RAD craig's list friends these days, both named Nate weirdly enough) but anyway.... we're just far away from each other. Which leads me to trying even HARDER to get north by the summer. And hopefully sooner if possible.
Needless to say, I'm freaking walking on cloud nine lately. My head is in the clouds in every good way. I like this one. I mean, really really really really like, a whole bunch. And he likes me! What the Hell!!! This whole thing is reminding me that timing is truly important in my life, and it has always been off until now. I don't know what happened in the air to make our paths crash, but I'm really thankful they have. He is so .... comfortable. And sexy. And amazing. And truthful. And he sings and plays guitar. And accepting. And smart. And sweet. And a-ma-zing. So, for the past three years or so, there's been this whole thing waiting to happen and finally it has and damn if I didn't see it coming. It has been surprising and still kind-of is honestly. I'm not sure it is really real, but the lines of reality in my life have always been blurry.
So, just wanted to shout it from the mountaintops. I'm totally happy. I'm totally blessed. I'm totally thankful. I'm totally loved. And this IS my life. Jeeze, I'm lucky. This is just one of the many many things I have to feel lucky about, and the point of this whole bloggity blog is to let everyone know.
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