Giving Thanks

Today is yet another Thanksgiving. I've never been a fan of thanksgiving as far as holidays go, I believe the basis of such holiday to be far too gory and racist for my liking. Also I'm not a big fan of ANY of the food OR festivities. I don't like mashed potatoes, I'm not a fan of either ham or turkey, football is another stupid sport I don't watch, I don't like yams, I hate stuffing, pumpkin pie=gross etc. Usually I end up eating the following : fruit salad (if available to me), olives, rolls, a small bit of turkey, and a piece of whatever pie is not pumpkin. It always ends up being pretty boring. Today I went with mom and my 2 kids over to mom's sister's house, Aunt Carol's. It was more fun than usual, she has a lot of kids who have a lot of kids so there was a lot of action going on. Afterwards we went to blockbuster (one of the places actually open for business) and rented some movies for the kids. Family rentals are only $1 if they're not new release, so they each got to pick two. Their picks included Spy Kids 3D, some Mario movie, some Disney Princess thing, and some Bratz movie. Mom & I picked The Spiderwick Chronicles and Vantage Point. I haven't watched either one yet. (Speaking of movies, I just watched Religulous with Bill Maher. It was pretty rad as far as anti-religion movies go, just up my ally.)

This was the first holiday to be celebrated without dad. I've had mixed feelings about it. Wednesday night was spent crying in my bed alone for an hour. It 's in these moments that I feel very alone.... I have noone to sleep next to, or wake up to, or cry on, or anyone to listen to me. And in some ways, that's a good thing. But in the darkest hours, I find myself alone. It happens this way in my life, however, I'm used to it. It's the part of being single that I despise the most. I'm surrounded in this town by my father. Everywhere I go reminds me of him. The place he used to work, where he would park his car, where he loved to go eat, the library, the canned food store, EVERY LITTLE THING is around me. I can't imagine what mom must feel like living in their house. I want so much, I ache, to leave. I ache to come back home with mom, and I know I can't, and I hate it. I can't because of the winter. My job is such that some nights I don't get off work till midnight, there's no way I could drive 12 miles safely, and I'm not sleeping on friends couches this year AGAIN.

I'm thankful for my own home, however lonely it may seem. I'm thankful for my decision to find out who I am before I commit to being with someone else. I'm thankful in my own strength to make a decision to stand on my own two feet, just to see if I can. I'm thankful for an amazing family, who are always there when I need them, even if just in spirit. I'm thankful for my children, for they bring me joy daily. I'm even thankful to be surrounded by dad's memories, because at this point it's all I've got left.