The Loneliest Time

Oct. 30th 1999 was my wedding day.... only to lead to a divorce in April 2004.

Oct. 30th 2008 was the day my father died.

Which was followed by March 26, 2009 when my older brother Craig died.

Needless to say, it hasn't been a good year.

Right now it's Oct. 26, 1:18 AM and I'm surrounded by loneliness. When I see my ex husband I can only wonder how his life is these days, as we don't talk, other than small exchanges when picking up our children from each other's houses. You know OUR children, the ones we formed together, but that's pretty much the only good we had at the time. These days, I assume his life is good, he's married with a new baby, they do an excellent job at raising our children.... but I don't ask. I just say hello and maybe tell him something personal about how it's hard to live at home, and he maybe says something personal about ... oh wait, he doesn't say anything except "sorry" and in these words there is so much more meaning but the moment passes because what do you say to someone you're no longer in love with and you're only there to exchange children?

You want to say "It's OK. Everything is OK. Everything involving me or you past present future has been/is/ and will be fine." But you don't, because you're scared. Scared to even tell this person that you think the world of him for doing a fine job of raising your own children, and he has become a fine man. And there are too many what ifs and should haves for you to even sleep at this point even though you have been laying in bed for 2 hours trying.

Tears streaming out of the eyes not sure what they are for, or about, but they exist and they feel like knives cutting open the retinas. Look closer. Look closer. Quit looking already, there's nothing left to see.

The loneliest times are these when one is surrounded by pain and grief and knowing logically that there is joy present as well but finding it hard to find right now. But who the hell are you to tell me that it's fine to feel this way? I already know it's fine. I already know. I'm not the first one to have lost a father/a brother/ a husband/ her children....

Grief is weird in the fact that I feel so fucking alone and know that I'm not. I know that so many people have gone and are going through so many worse things and then I feel guilt for feeling my own pain but I have to because I don't know what else to do, and I think "well at least I feel something right now" and soon this pain feeling will turn into happiness; it always does.

Which leads me to question what really makes me happy? Do I even know anymore? Not the obvious answers like "a roof over your head" and "spending time with your children"? Does anyone know what makes them happy? Do I know? Do I? It's a good question which at this moment is not really having any answers but it's OK, truly OK, because I'll know it when I feel it. And I will. In a few days I'll find happiness in another town, with my friends, with my family, with myself.

Til then I suppose I will lay in my bed feeling lonely and grieving and searching for the sun outside my window till the night becomes dawn and the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning....

It's Saturday approx. 6:30 AM sept. 19 2009

Sky is the best shade of orange and purple with cloudy almost fall shades coming in. Sounds of city garbage trucks, highway noise. Blue powerade (the blue) , shirt falling off, chewing on my own tongue thinking of someone else chewing on his own tongue, wishing I wasn't so damn alone. Even at Burning Man I couldn't stay awake this long, what the fuck? I broke my own record. The sunrises I've seen in K. Falls - the ones I remember- I don't know why- I was dating Matt Floyd at the time, we were in turmoil, I went up to Kimberly Drive about 1997ish and the sun came up over the city. Bubble Park, Mike, Nate, Me, 1999ish lost in the bubble world. till this year, nowish, 2009ish, February coming down off of something really fun with (taken with N and M) in my own shower, alone, watching the beautiful sun come up through the shower window. Another shower taken at J.T's house and the same drugs. Sunrise after donkey fest May 2009... tears, crying til I could cry no more. And NOW in Sept. just back from the burn. Saw a play at the Linkville, went to Waldo's , went to B and M's house , took some ___ and some ____ and made out with Lucas in his car, kissed Eli at his house, walked back to Bob's and right then the sun was coming up over the Lake. Missing P_ my playa lover, or at least I wish he was- so much it hurts. Missing S--- my ex boyfriend, missing men in general. *this is the point where I began crying and texting... crying so hard I couldn't breathe. It was cathartic, terrible, and amazing all at once* My next thoughts were: No more drugs at 4 AM or actually it's the PERFECT time to do them next year you f*cking idiot.

S in my head :"do more drugs"

me "my face is melting off"

p: "I need another glowstick!"

Now it's saturday. Begin.

April 17, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Thoughts, Livin on Sunday Morning, while it's Friday Current mood:journaly This one time it's Friday and when you wake up it's Wednesday or possibly Sunday but you really don't care what fucking day it is because everything is really not real and days run into nights running into days running into afternoons mornings and lunches and dinners and drinks and hey how are yous and I don't give a shit how you are because you really don't want to know the real answer the that question anyway so why bother asking it if you really don't care then shut up!!! what do you want you say to me what do you want i'd really love for my family to be alive again i'd really love to not be single i'd really love to find the 'one' but all of these things no one can give to me and again i say good day sir! the point is if it's easy for you then follow it, then follow those paths, do what's good for you, do what's not harmful for yourself for mankind for the spirit of doing good things cuz you think it makes your own life better. Well, I say fuck your life, fuck it, what does it matter anyway and then you find out that while your dad died and your brother died there was this friend of yours who was on drugs and tried to kill herself like you could have the capacity to deal with any more death right now or have any kind of sympathy for such selfishness while there are wars being waged in the name of 'god' and 'humankind' well shit what can i do i'm helpless in that whole situation and yes it breaks my heart but really what can i do besides be sad inside about the fall of humanity and the people everywhere being killed and how can i be so hyppocritical as to give a shit about my own sadness when i live in such a 'free' country but damn i'm only human i'm only a woman i'm only myself so i just look away and probably cry a little bit. And i ask you to leave me alone but really what i want is a goddamn apology for all that you took for granted just say you're sorry and i'll let it go cuz you don't know me you only know what you choose to see you only know your point of view and it's obviously fucking skewed so shut up please just shut up and get out of my face unless you have something useful to say to me. yeah i'm bitter yeah i'm jaded yeah i'm old and have 'baggage' and i've made choices i'm not proud of i've made choices that have affected other people's lives negatively and affected my own life in a way i'd never have imagined i've made choices that have a positive affect on everyone around me and have a positive affect on myself and i'm proud of those decisions the ones i can look back on and be proud. I can also look back and learn because finally it took me all this time to learn from the things i've experienced. i'm dealing with my life and i don't like it sometimes in fact i hate it sometimes but right now i like it a little bit, i like that i can feel the pain i like that i can feel the sun i like to eat eggs i like to taste food i like to drink water i like to have conversations with people i would never have talked to before because who knows if i'll ever see them again and really who cares?! i never wished i was dead and i'd never wish that feeling on anyone else. i feel sad and i feel happy and i feel like nothing and everything matters all at once and all i can say is damn i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive

A note to my brother Craig

Craig,
How I love you. I can't believe I won't have you there at your own funeral to be a jackass with, I sincerely hope that you are looking down and laughing your ass off.... :) I miss you. This is hard. So hard. What to do without the one and only Kreg around? I've never felt so much sorrow in my entire life as I have when I found out you were no longer of this world. The only good feeling I have is that now you're with dad and you guys are chillin' waiting for us to get with you. I don't want this to happen. I don't like it at all. I'm so glad for the opportunity I had to get to know you at dad's funeral, and the chance you got to know me. I'm so thankful for our last conversation, the 5 minutes on the phone a few weeks ago. You just simply called to tell me you love me and you are proud. I hope as I live my life from now on, I continue to make you (and dad) proud. My brother, my friend, my life.... I love you. Always,
Your baby sister,
Erika

The Fool

The Fool card affirms that my alter ego today is a Quantam Leaper with a hero's heart. My superpower is liberated by free will and trust, which lead me to explore simple speculations for their own sake. I can move beyond the fear factor. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care where I've been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out. For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture. The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire. So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course. I'll never know until I try.

Burning Man is for Hippies and Freaks

And you all should come!!!!

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2009 are you out of your mind?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE