Follow up to miscarriage.

The miscarriage from previous blog update- it stopped. Eventually. I bled for 3 weeks. It was awful. It was emotionally draining. It was fucked up, it was probably one of the most fucked up things I've ever had to deal with. Gah. Thank goodness for friends & family & the internet friends I have to help me get through that time of my life.

It took another month after I was done bleeding to finally feel not pregnant. It was crazy. It STILL affects me mentally because, of course, I notice OTHER pregnancies more. A bunch of my friends are pregnant. I'm jealous. I think, "Damn. I'd almost be __ pregnant. I'd know the gender by now." I also think, "I wonder what I'd look like, how much weight I'd gain. I hate being pregnant." Which is the truth- I am not a super happy glowy pregnant woman. I am a bitchy, sick, pukey, fat, whale pregnant woman. That part of me is glad to not be pregnant right now.

People tell me, "Well you can try again." And yes I KNOW we can try again, and we are actively trying again. (Having unprotected sex means there's a possibility to make babies everyone!! It's SCIENCE!) It hasn't been long (two months) and we're not yet pregnant. I know this is unrealistic but in keeping with my typical self, I feel like giving up. I'm old. (35 years old almost 36) I didn't really WANT to be an "old mom". But I won't give up, because DAMN I want another baby.

All I can do is hope it will work out better this time.  In the meantime, I try to not be too jealous of my friends even though inside I'm screaming! I know myself, and jealousy has always been something I have a fairly difficult time dealing with. I'm learning. I'm getting better with time.

Please don't think that I don't love my two already existing kids any less. They've nothing to do with this. OBVIOUSLY I love them so fucking much. I'd take a bullet and a knife to the heart for my kids. (who wouldn't do the same for their own kids???!!!)
Just because I already have two kids doesn't mean I'm not allowed to want another one. I'm over people who try to make feel guilty about that shit. Especially in my situation- my kids don't live full time with me. (A choice I made long long ago in another lifetime.) So yeah, I'd love to have a kid live with me & my spouse and have it work it like I'd love it to.  Maybe someday my own kids will live with me, who knows the future, but for now they don't, so fuck it. I'd love for my spouse to have a child of his own, and so would he. Why not?

My best friend has a baby. He is almost two months old. I love him so fiercely, like he is my own. She knows this and I hope it makes her happy and not weirded out. This is another thing that's so typical to me - of COURSE I would love that baby this much. His mom is my BEST FRIEND here. Duh. It's not creepy because I don't make it creepy. It makes me happy to have her in my life- and it makes me happy to be able to help her when she needs it, even just to have a short conversation about our rants over coffee- we both need them. I'm thankful. Plus she lets me hold her baby and that's obviously emotionally healing.

So there's an update. Done and done.