So, as a kind-of flip side to my last post about being depressed, I will post something else now. Yeah, it's true I've been known to be sad pretty much forever. But when I try to think of the good things I get overwhelmed with happiness which is good. In the mood of trying to stay positive, here are some things which have recently made me happy.
My kids and mom came to visit over the weekend. We all went to the aquarium, with my brother, Lee's sister, and Lee's mom, and it was a fun family outing. I love my kids, and I miss them terribly (part of the depression creeping in) but I need to really take hold of the times I DO get to spend with them and be happy that I am allowed to be a part of their existence.
Last week I went out twice with friends, to drink, both nights were fun for me. This group of people is extremely giving and kind and including of their lives & habits. Thankful for such friends. Beginnings of friendships are fun times for me.
I have a really awesome support of online friends. I know it is cheesy, but truly my online buddies have made me get through the days in a much better fashion. Brought laughter to my sadness. Have listened to me vent through all the bullshit. Have let me stay the night at their houses & feed me cocktails & held me while I cried. I am thankful for all of you.
I am above all thankful for the supportive partner I have found in Lee. A really great boyfriend. A great lover. A great giver of self. He is, as I like to say, a really good human. Sometimes, like all other couples, we have moments of doubts (NIGHTS of doubt even) but unlike other people in my life, he is always willing to work through it. He doesn't see disagreement as an end, even when I might be viewing it as such. I am learning to view things through his eyes. And to his credit, he is learning to view things through mine.... which is brand new to him. Never before have I felt such an overwhelming sense of love.
To summarize, while yes, I am quite sad, there is always a happy part through the sadness. And I know that with time the happiness will prevail and all will be well with the world.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Depression
I feel like shit in this city. I feel really damn alone. It sucks. I don't know what to do to snap out of it, or if snapping out of it is even possible. Most of my good friends live in Oregon. Granted, I do know a few people here, and I am not discounting the absolute love and goodness they have shown me, but WTF. I don't have anyone to just call to go have a drink with. I don't have a bar to go alone and be comfortable at.
I have this terrible depression in my life. I have always felt "alone". (Disclaimer: for those of you who think depression is not real, please quit reading now, and if you continue on, please do not comment on my thoughts. Thankyou) This is really no different than the other times, but it's just getting to me. I used to drink to get rid of this feeling and now I know why. Because being drunk and feeling NOTHING is WAY easier than dealing with feeling sad all the time. Yes, there were drunk times when I would cry & feel sad & emotional, but they don't even compare to the times like now when I feel sad and am crying & emotional totally SOBER.
I am trying to break the 'drinking the pain away' habit, though, so that's not a good option right now.
The problem is, that I don't have options. I have been seeing a therapist, and hoping it will begin to help, I am trying to be optomistic about it. But I know I have chronic depression, and what can a therapist do other than just tell me what I already know but in a different light? I don't know, but hopefully I will find out.
I just want a friend to go drink with, to go hang out with and talk, to go watch a sunset away from the city.... but where to go? It's a never ending circle of doom right now.
I feel freaking helpless & alone. I kinda hate my life right now, which makes me feel selfish. I live in a free country, I live in a place where most people have the ability to eat, live, & be wasteful, so what gives me the right to feel like this? It doesn't matter, it doesn't change the fact that I feel crappy. Siiiigh.
I've no good way to end this. So, I'm done.
I have this terrible depression in my life. I have always felt "alone". (Disclaimer: for those of you who think depression is not real, please quit reading now, and if you continue on, please do not comment on my thoughts. Thankyou) This is really no different than the other times, but it's just getting to me. I used to drink to get rid of this feeling and now I know why. Because being drunk and feeling NOTHING is WAY easier than dealing with feeling sad all the time. Yes, there were drunk times when I would cry & feel sad & emotional, but they don't even compare to the times like now when I feel sad and am crying & emotional totally SOBER.
I am trying to break the 'drinking the pain away' habit, though, so that's not a good option right now.
The problem is, that I don't have options. I have been seeing a therapist, and hoping it will begin to help, I am trying to be optomistic about it. But I know I have chronic depression, and what can a therapist do other than just tell me what I already know but in a different light? I don't know, but hopefully I will find out.
I just want a friend to go drink with, to go hang out with and talk, to go watch a sunset away from the city.... but where to go? It's a never ending circle of doom right now.
I feel freaking helpless & alone. I kinda hate my life right now, which makes me feel selfish. I live in a free country, I live in a place where most people have the ability to eat, live, & be wasteful, so what gives me the right to feel like this? It doesn't matter, it doesn't change the fact that I feel crappy. Siiiigh.
I've no good way to end this. So, I'm done.
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