Sky is the best shade of orange and purple with cloudy almost fall shades coming in. Sounds of city garbage trucks, highway noise. Blue powerade (the blue) , shirt falling off, chewing on my own tongue thinking of someone else chewing on his own tongue, wishing I wasn't so damn alone. Even at Burning Man I couldn't stay awake this long, what the fuck? I broke my own record. The sunrises I've seen in K. Falls - the ones I remember- I don't know why- I was dating Matt Floyd at the time, we were in turmoil, I went up to Kimberly Drive about 1997ish and the sun came up over the city. Bubble Park, Mike, Nate, Me, 1999ish lost in the bubble world. till this year, nowish, 2009ish, February coming down off of something really fun with (taken with N and M) in my own shower, alone, watching the beautiful sun come up through the shower window. Another shower taken at J.T's house and the same drugs. Sunrise after donkey fest May 2009... tears, crying til I could cry no more. And NOW in Sept. just back from the burn. Saw a play at the Linkville, went to Waldo's , went to B and M's house , took some ___ and some ____ and made out with Lucas in his car, kissed Eli at his house, walked back to Bob's and right then the sun was coming up over the Lake. Missing P_ my playa lover, or at least I wish he was- so much it hurts. Missing S--- my ex boyfriend, missing men in general. *this is the point where I began crying and texting... crying so hard I couldn't breathe. It was cathartic, terrible, and amazing all at once* My next thoughts were: No more drugs at 4 AM or actually it's the PERFECT time to do them next year you f*cking idiot.
S in my head :"do more drugs"
me "my face is melting off"
p: "I need another glowstick!"
Now it's saturday. Begin.
Monday, September 21, 2009
April 17, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
 | Current mood:journaly This one time it's Friday and when you wake up it's Wednesday or possibly Sunday but you really don't care what fucking day it is because everything is really not real and days run into nights running into days running into afternoons mornings and lunches and dinners and drinks and hey how are yous and I don't give a shit how you are because you really don't want to know the real answer the that question anyway so why bother asking it if you really don't care then shut up!!! what do you want you say to me what do you want i'd really love for my family to be alive again i'd really love to not be single i'd really love to find the 'one' but all of these things no one can give to me and again i say good day sir! the point is if it's easy for you then follow it, then follow those paths, do what's good for you, do what's not harmful for yourself for mankind for the spirit of doing good things cuz you think it makes your own life better. Well, I say fuck your life, fuck it, what does it matter anyway and then you find out that while your dad died and your brother died there was this friend of yours who was on drugs and tried to kill herself like you could have the capacity to deal with any more death right now or have any kind of sympathy for such selfishness while there are wars being waged in the name of 'god' and 'humankind' well shit what can i do i'm helpless in that whole situation and yes it breaks my heart but really what can i do besides be sad inside about the fall of humanity and the people everywhere being killed and how can i be so hyppocritical as to give a shit about my own sadness when i live in such a 'free' country but damn i'm only human i'm only a woman i'm only myself so i just look away and probably cry a little bit. And i ask you to leave me alone but really what i want is a goddamn apology for all that you took for granted just say you're sorry and i'll let it go cuz you don't know me you only know what you choose to see you only know your point of view and it's obviously fucking skewed so shut up please just shut up and get out of my face unless you have something useful to say to me. yeah i'm bitter yeah i'm jaded yeah i'm old and have 'baggage' and i've made choices i'm not proud of i've made choices that have affected other people's lives negatively and affected my own life in a way i'd never have imagined i've made choices that have a positive affect on everyone around me and have a positive affect on myself and i'm proud of those decisions the ones i can look back on and be proud. I can also look back and learn because finally it took me all this time to learn from the things i've experienced. i'm dealing with my life and i don't like it sometimes in fact i hate it sometimes but right now i like it a little bit, i like that i can feel the pain i like that i can feel the sun i like to eat eggs i like to taste food i like to drink water i like to have conversations with people i would never have talked to before because who knows if i'll ever see them again and really who cares?! i never wished i was dead and i'd never wish that feeling on anyone else. i feel sad and i feel happy and i feel like nothing and everything matters all at once and all i can say is damn i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive |
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