Dec. 2013-- I found out I was pregnant with my third child! I'm SOOOO excited! I tell everyone I know. Before telling everyone I think, "If I have a miscarriage, I am going to have to tell everyone again. Oh well, I'll just deal with that later!"
Dec. 2013-- I feel sick all month long, which is apparently my body doing what it's supposed to do- I'm pregnant, so of course I feel sick, this is par for the course.
9 weeks pregnant---Jan. 2, 2014--Thursday----That night I begin spotting. Not too much blood, a tiny bit of blood clotting, but enough for me to worry. I don't have any pain, and the spotting stops within the hour. I don't examine the clots, because that's gross, but I did look at them for a bit, and some of them may have been baby sized. In fact, one clot is VERY baby sized, and I am 90% sure I can make out a tiny baby shape with nubs for body parts and all.... I can only think one thing: I lost the baby.
Jan. 3, 2014--- I call my doctor's office & explain the situation and my worries. The person on the other line tells me it's probably nothing to worry about because I didn't have any cramping and my spotting has stopped. My next pregnancy check up is on Jan 6th, wherein my husband & I are supposed to hear the heartbeat. The person at the doctor's office suggests I just wait until then to see what happens. Although I'm worried, and can't shake the feeling, I don't really have much else to do.
10 weeks pregnant---Jan 6th, 2014-- Monday--- I haven't slept much all weekend, 'cause I'm SUPER stressed out. What is going on with my body? Still no spotting & cramping, so somewhat hopeful. I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment to find out any news. 8:30 a.m. my phone rings. It's the nurse, she has to reschedule my appointment as my doctor is delivering other babies and unavailable. I begin BAWLING on the phone and explain my situation to the nurse. She is shocked that someone told me to wait this long to just "wait and see." She says she'll call me back.
----- 20 minutes later----- My doctor herself calls me. She sets me up with an ultrasound at the local hospital to hopefully see the heartbeat. I feel relief.
1:40 pm: Abdominal ultrasound -- They can only find the gestational sac, no heartbeat. I am not surprised or shocked by this news. It is really weird seeing the picture of my uterus with no baby inside- just an empty sac where a tiny baby should be.
Vaginal Ultrasound-- Same results. An empty sac, no heartbeat or signs of life.
2:10 pm: I leave the hospital feeling sad and unhopeful. I am cracking jokes to deal with the sadness I feel enveloping me.
5:30 pm: Speak to doctor again. She says I need to come in for another test. They will test my blood to see if I am indeed 10 weeks along. There is a small chance that I am only 5-6 weeks and maybe the baby just isn't visible yet. She apologizes for the emotional roller coaster I am on. I go along with this test, although I KNOW I am 10 weeks pregnant, my periods are like clockwork. I know it's already over, but what else can I do? I go along with the blood test.
That night I go with two of my best friends to dinner & ice cream. This helps my spirits lift a bit.
Jan. 7th, 2014--- Tuesday--- I go into the doctor's office to take a blood test. Then it's a waiting game.
I wait & wait & wait some more. A few hours later, the doc calls back. Indeed, my blood levels are at the level of a 10 week pregnancy. She apologizes again, and says her best guess is that the baby just stopped growing.
Of course on my own time I have researched miscarriages- what she says is true. Some chromosomes don't meld, and the baby quits growing and dies. There's no reason, no anything that makes it happen or not happen. There's nothing I could have done differently.
The doctor gives me three choices at this point.
Option1:
I can schedule a D&C :
(Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C) refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage).) --- from Wikipedia.org
She advises against this option, because it requires anesthesia, and it seems a bit "too much", like not necessary for how far along I am. (or was)
Option 2:
I can wait for my body to kick itself out of pregnancy mode & wait for my period to start naturally at which point I will pass all of the excess tissue out. This could happen at any time, and there's no telling when.
Option 3:
She can prescribe me some pills which are hormonal and force my period to start immediately.
I immediately opt for the third choice. I just want it to be done. My body still FEELS pregnant. It's been 5 days at this point since I haven't been pregnant, and I'm emotionally ready for it to be done. Just finished with it right now.
Doctor says I can think about it and call her back the next day, although I already know what I want to do.
January 8th, 2014, Wednesday
I decide 100% to take the pills. The doc calls in the prescription. My husband decides to take the next day off of work to help be there for me emotionally and physically if I need it.
This night I take the first round of pills. I have to take them vaginally, and they just dissolve. My period starts within an hour. No big deal. It's not like I haven't had a period approximately 6,917 times before. (yes, I calculated this number!). I think I can handle this.
January 9th, 2014, Thursday
The next night I take the second dose & last dose of pills. Period keeps going. I have light cramping, and a little blood, but it seems like no big deal.
January 10th, 2014, Friday through Jan 12th, 2014, Sunday
I am still bleeding lightly, but it's not seeming too bad. I feel like if ALL my periods can be this easy I would be happy. Not crampy too bad, just fine. Totally do-able. I should have knocked on wood because holy hell, the worse is upon me yet.
January 13th, 2014, Monday
I begin cramping that night. A lot. This feels like all of the cramping of labor but knowing that there will be no reward at the end. Now I'm emotional AND physically uncomfortable. Stupid thoughts enter my mind: What if that was the only egg that will EVER be viable forever? What if I can't get pregnant after this? What if I have another miscarriage, will I be able to deal with this? God damn, this hurts like hell. Some friends come out & tell me they've gone through it too. Good to know I'm not alone.
This night I go out & have my first glass of wine & a cider with some friends in Seattle. This helps. I missed alcohol, and I really need something to blur the edges of my life right now. The perfect solution. Thank goodness for friends.
Jan. 14th, 2014, Tuesday.
I wake up at 5:00 am and am bleeding through my pad into my underwear. Gross. I know it's not that much blood logically, but it sure looks and feels like so much blood. It feels like someone is wringing out my stomach like a washrag. I bleed through 4 pads in one hour. WTF! I feel like puking. Luckily I have a prescription for some anti-nausea meds which I immediately take & they help. I am awake until 7:30 am just feeling myself bleed, it's disgusting to say the least. Finally I fall back asleep. I sleep until noon.
I call my sister because it's her birthday. It's great to talk to her. She gives me really good advice and a good listening ear about miscarriages. She's gone through this before. Approximately 1/3 of women who get pregnant have a miscarriage. But NO ONE talks about it. Why? This is a LOT of people. WTF guys???!!! Anyway. It's great talking to her. I love her.
Jan. 15th, 2014, Wednesday
Oh my god. The globs that are leaving my body are unbelievable. What kind of stuff is up there anyway?? Gross. So much blood. So many goopy clots, and they are BIG. Every single one that passes through me I think, "Was that the baby? Was that the empty sac? Was THAT one the baby?" I am an emotional wreck and holy hell my body is in SO MUCH pain right now. I text some friends of mine, and send them pictures because I don't think I can believe the stuff that is leaving my body. It's emotionally overwhelming & I can't carry the weight alone anymore. Gross. Yay friends.
MORE friends come out of the woodwork and tell me they too have had
miscarriages or know someone who has. This helps knowing I'm not alone
in this wreck of a time. Thank goodness for friends AGAIN.
I call in sick to work. I feel guilty. They understand, and I'm lucky to have this job right now, however temporary it is.
I am in so much pain. My husband convinces me to take one of the pain pills, after all , it's their job to help me. I'm stubborn, because I don't usually like the way pain pills make me feel. But I give in and take one, and the pain stops, of course. I feel as fine as possible, I was just being ridiculous.
Jan. 16th, 2014, Thursday
Still bleeding a lot, so many cramps. This hurts so badly. I call in sick today again. My husband ends up working from home again. In the middle of the day we hear a knock on the door. It's a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a card that says, "With deepest sympathy" to Erika & Lee. It's from our work place. It makes me cry, and even makes Lee's eyes tear up.
Jan. 17th, 2014, Friday
The heavy bleeding has stopped, but the cramps, the HORRIBLE cramps are there. All I can do is sleep and that's when the pain goes away. When I wake up the cramps are back, and I don't know what to do. I take pain pills, and they help. Thank goodness for those prescriptions as well.
I email in again to work and they are more than understanding.
At this point, I just hope that I'm on the upside of the nonsense. The huge globs have gone away, but every time I use the bathroom more tissue comes out. I am still mind blown at how long I can bleed and how awful my body feels. I want this to be over. I'm so done, I feel like an emotional & physical mess.
I am thankful for my friends. ALL of them. Far & near, close & not close, I couldn't have gotten through this without their support. I am thankful for my understanding workplace. I am thankful for my husband & my family.
I'll update more once some more time goes by.
Here's my story. Thanks for reading.
