There's a line in a song by Jenny Lewis that sums up my title: "Are we killing time? Are we killing each other?" It's from the song called Melt Your Heart. It can be found here:
http://youtu.be/WNHo7Qog7qU
But that's not really the point- it's just something that popped into my head as I began this blog tonight. Lately I've been dealing with some really hard internal stuff/internal feelings. I've had to work out some really really tough things with my significant other. Where we stand, what our rules and boundaries are, and how an open relationship works and how it changes constantly. I've had to work on myself and he's had to work on himself and all the time we're trying to stick together and love each other. We both have to break bad habits. And I find it sooo freakin' hard.
Sometimes it's hard to remember the good in each other when there's so much anger and hurt around. I spent a recent weekend at my kids' birthday parties in Oregon and that was good fun. The bad part was that even from 450 miles away there was anger and rage and fighting and hurt. The worst part is that my kids saw one end of it- mine. They saw me hurting. And there was no explanation for "why mom is mad at her boyfriend." other than the typical "sometimes people just get mad at each other and I'm crying because I'm frustrated. It's OK. We'll work it out" sort of explanation. Luckily, my b.f. talked to my kids on the phone and told them the same thing, so they seemed to be O.K. after that. But I wasn't.
I got back home to Washington and continued to be hurt, and angry, and sad, and lonely. I spent a lot of time talking to one of my great friends who has helped me through this whole process. It made me realize I'm thankful for my friends. Thankful for the ones who help me with my bullshit. Thankful for a listening long distant ear and a close up hug and love through time and space.
So here I was- sad and feeling alone and distant. It sucked for me. It sucked for him. It sucked for everyone involved. It sucked for the public eye who had to watch us hiss at each other over stupid petty miscommunications. It made me wonder stupid things like "is this REALLY what I signed up for coming here? More failure? More bullshit?" Because I really thought this would be different. I thought it would WORK this time damnit.
After weeks of feeling like crap, we had a blowout. A huge blowout. The worse blowout we've ever had. We decided to possibly break up. We decided there was no other way through it. We decided to make a firm decision in the morning. (it was already 5 a.m.) So we did. The next day we talked. We didn't argue. We plainly talked for about 2 and 1/2 hours... about killing time, about killing each other mentally, about how much we hated feeling bad about each other. And we decided to stick it out. We both have to work on this- me for instance must work on letting my anger go and not bringing it up again to him. Him, making me feel like a first priority over others.
I hope it works. I hope it is not in vain. I'm scared, but I'm relieved. I don't want to break up with my b.f. Not one bit. I've never loved so hard, never BEEN loved so hard in return. I know this is it. This is the one I've waited for.... "Wanna stay right here, til the end of time, til the earth stops turning. Gonna love you til the seas run dry. I've found the one I've waited for." (another song- Gorecki by Lamb) (can be found here:http://youtu.be/UcSwDUE-QK4)
So that's the drama of my life as of right now. I felt the need to write about it and here it is. THE LINKS don't work if you click on them, but you can go ahead and copy and paste if you're interested in hearing the songs. They are both amazing.
