Killing

There's a line in a song by Jenny Lewis that sums up my title: "Are we killing time? Are we killing each other?" It's from the song called Melt Your Heart. It can be found here:
http://youtu.be/WNHo7Qog7qU

But that's not really the point- it's just something that popped into my head as I began this blog tonight. Lately I've been dealing with some really hard internal stuff/internal feelings. I've had to work out some really really tough things with my significant other. Where we stand, what our rules and boundaries are, and how an open relationship works and how it changes constantly. I've had to work on myself and he's had to work on himself and all the time we're trying to stick together and love each other. We both have to break bad habits. And I find it sooo freakin' hard.

Sometimes it's hard to remember the good in each other when there's so much anger and hurt around. I spent a recent weekend at my kids' birthday parties in Oregon and that was good fun. The bad part was that even from 450 miles away there was anger and rage and fighting and hurt. The worst part is that my kids saw one end of it- mine. They saw me hurting. And there was no explanation for "why mom is mad at her boyfriend." other than the typical "sometimes people just get mad at each other and I'm crying because I'm frustrated. It's OK. We'll work it out" sort of explanation. Luckily, my b.f. talked to my kids on the phone and told them the same thing, so they seemed to be O.K. after that. But I wasn't.

I got back home to Washington and continued to be hurt, and angry, and sad, and lonely. I spent a lot of time talking to one of my great friends who has helped me through this whole process. It made me realize I'm thankful for my friends. Thankful for the ones who help me with my bullshit. Thankful for a listening long distant ear and a close up hug and love through time and space.

So here I was- sad and feeling alone and distant. It sucked for me. It sucked for him. It sucked for everyone involved. It sucked for the public eye who had to watch us hiss at each other over stupid petty miscommunications. It made me wonder stupid things like "is this REALLY what I signed up for coming here? More failure? More bullshit?" Because I really thought this would be different. I thought it would WORK this time damnit.

After weeks of feeling like crap, we had a blowout. A huge blowout. The worse blowout we've ever had. We decided to possibly break up. We decided there was no other way through it. We decided to make a firm decision in the morning. (it was already 5 a.m.) So we did. The next day we talked. We didn't argue. We plainly talked for about 2 and 1/2 hours... about killing time, about killing each other mentally, about how much we hated feeling bad about each other. And we decided to stick it out. We both have to work on this- me for instance must work on letting my anger go and not bringing it up again to him. Him, making me feel like a first priority over others.

I hope it works. I hope it is not in vain. I'm scared, but I'm relieved. I don't want to break up with my b.f. Not one bit. I've never loved so hard, never BEEN loved so hard in return. I know this is it. This is the one I've waited for.... "Wanna stay right here, til the end of time, til the earth stops turning. Gonna love you til the seas run dry. I've found the one I've waited for." (another song- Gorecki by Lamb) (can be found here:http://youtu.be/UcSwDUE-QK4)

So that's the drama of my life as of right now. I felt the need to write about it and here it is. THE LINKS don't work if you click on them, but you can go ahead and copy and paste if you're interested in hearing the songs. They are both amazing.

Weekend

mohawks
birthdays
old friends
good friends
true friends
drinking
great conversations
new friends
importance of history happening while we partook in it
snow monkeys
talking of love and of falling into it
waking up
french toast and jam
laughter
ice cream and where to get it
nap time
20 questions
the sky, table lamp
an irish pub
beautiful friends in beautiful clothing
cold cold line waiting
moving stopping moving again
finding our place
musical genius
singing, drums, marimba, guitar, bass,
SINGING
lyrics. The most amazing lyrics.
poems by DICKMAN!!!!
teary eyes not believing such a woman was right in front of me.
Right in front of me.
Breathing the same air as me.
leaving excited with open night ahead
Cheap dive bar
Strong drinks
Dilletante chocolate cherry martinis
Expensive for my own taste
Delicious
Laughter Walking Shouting
Going "home" for the night
Negro Modelo and
Hard cider made for spring
Limited Editions
My joy and surprise in the crisp peach flavor
Wishing it would last longer than spring.
Speaking of crushes, of girls loving boys loving boys loving girls loving girls loving girls loving everyone.
Speaking of meetings, of getting together, of relationships, of cheating, of open/closed/poly/mono/normal ???/communication!!!
Setting boundaries making loose rules
Deep huge bathtubs built for two or three.
Remembering the pleasure of having a bath drawn for only you.
Goddess in white appearing from nowhere
Hairbrush in hand
Backrubs, scalp rubs, skin
Foreign words entering my brain for later use.
Foreign feelings entering my brain for later use.
Perrier/Perrierrrr Water. Drink more water. Snob water.
So warm, pruny skin.
Fancy thick beer for sharing.
Towels lotion tea tree oil
the softest lips I have ever been kissed with.
Blankets, beds, couches, floors, kitchens, windows, music, birds
Sunrise of the city coming to life
People in planes so far away doing "real life" things
Too many thoughts going so fast wanting to hold the moment to never forget how this feels right here right now.
Snuggles kisses Love. Sex. Feeling.
The tiny hairs on smooth skin.
Dancing not believing
Dream world such meditation such beautiful bodies moving in the sunlight all as one
Remembering things from nowhere, memories popping to life.
Old porches and other sunrises and a whole different past.
Never thinking never imagining how amazing this could be.
Never imagining I could end up here. HERE with these people.
Love. Love. Shared. Important. Kept. So close to my heart, in my mind forever.
Sunlight, curtains, so warm in blankets, so loved, so close to tears with joy.
Together Alone Apart Together.
As together as "this is my life and it is really happening right now."
As one. As one. As one.
Sleep eluding those of us who never want it to end.
Never want it to end.
Waking up (was there any sleep at all)
Topless woman perfect mind perfect body
Coffee, toast, and apples pears grapefruit and just enough raspberries for each to have one.
Reluctantly dressing back to a life so far gone, so far in the past.
Walking outside, music playing in a fountain.
Children, sunlight, getting sprayed by musical water.
Thankful. Thankful. Thankful.
In love with this.
Dream like state dream like world dream like life dream like you have never dreamed before like dreaming is all that matters because dreams are real.

My Body and How I Feel About It

1. I like my porcelain doll skin. I am so pale. I have no desire to be "tan" other than what the sun naturally kisses me with.

2. I have insecurities about my belly. This girl who once weighed a mere 96 pounds before having babies now weighs a good amount more than that, and has birthed 2 children. I weigh as much now as I did when I was 9 months pregnant, and I'm NOT PREGNANT currently. The thing is, I'm not motivated enough to try to do sit ups or ab exercises, so I just deal with it and try to dress appropriately when I go out so that my own ugly parts don't show. I know these insecurites exist in my head, and I'm very VERY lucy to have a boyfriend who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy no matter what.

3. The upside to having babies was that I finally got some boobs. I think that physical part of me is basically perfect. Not too big, not too small- just kind of amazing. And they also fed two babies- functional AND awesome.

4. My feet are small with high arches, I like them OK. They get me around to all kinds of places, they help me walk, drive, run, stand, sit... I don't give my feet enough attention. But I DO paint my toenails. Right now they are blue.

5. My legs are short and small, just like the rest of me. I have small genes, what can I say?

6. These two arms - they help me cuddle, they give hugs, they receive hugs, they LOVE hugs. I like them a lot.

7. My face. I think I'm pretty. I have always thought I'm OK looking, but now, in my adult life, I think I'm pretty. Not like "Oh my god supermodel" pretty, but just normal pretty. Pretty enough.

8. Growing my hair out is always proving to be a challenge. I hate growing up and I think I look hot with short boyish hair. BUT... I want to see what I look like with longish hair, so I guess I'll just try to keep growing it. No promises though.
I always dye my hair, it's been every color in the rainbow, and it helps to have a change while trying to grow it longer.

It's been too long

I haven't posted in a long time. I guess I didn't really have anything exciting to say here! I really still don't, but whatever. I rarely have anything great to say in any case.

My b.f. and I moved away from the RV we were living in and now we are living in a house. It has 3 bedrooms, a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a pantry. So much space. Sometimes I just sit in my living room and think "This is so freaking awesome." Because it totally is! My b.f. works so hard so we can afford this, and it's just another way I'm thankful for him.

Over the last two weeks my kids were here in town visiting us. That was really REALLY fun. We mostly just chilled around the house, and it made me happy. We did go to the space needle, and that was definitely worth remembering. We also spent a lot of time over at my friend's house... one of my besties! One of my kids besties also.

We had to take them to Portland on Saturday, so they could go home. While we were doing that we had the chance to visit with some of our good friends in Portland. And one of my best friends from K. Falls came up and visited us too. It was one of the BEST most fun weekends I've had in a very long time, and I really needed it to help me calm down and feel better about not having my kids for another month. It was so great, it was so epic. Loved it. Love all the people involved in it.

The other new thing is that my b.f. and I got a cat. His name is Pixel and he is a Russian Blue. He makes me feel less lonely and I love having him around to pet and to play with and to just generally make me feel less alone in the house all day. It's kind of amazing.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the love I am surrounded by lately. It makes me feel HAPPY.
That is it for now.

Newish News

I've spent the last weekend in Oregon visiting my mom and kids. It was awesome as it always is. But the end- the END- when I have to take my kids home- it sucks. It's so harsh. I usually need at least a day or two to recover emotionally from it. Tomorrow I get to ride the train for 12 hours, but who knows how "relaxing" that will be. The next day is Wed. and I have to go to the aquarium for volunteering and then I work that night so relaxing then either. But THURSDAY- I'm taking a little bit of "me" time I believe. I plan on laying in bed and watching some episodes of True Blood Season Two which is at the library waiting for me! WAHOOOOO! Also taking some time to have Snuggleplex 3000 (TM) with my boyfriend. *wink*
Anyway- back to the hard part. Today my daughter said to me, "I am always sad before I have to go home but then once I'm there I feel better because I'm at home." And I said, "I know exactly how you feel." Because it is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm sad to have to leave Oregon but I'll be happy once I'm back in Washington because that is my home.

SOMETHING ELSE:
Update on my depression. Well I still feel sad sometimes. The difference, since I have been taking "brain drugs" is that the sadness doesn't overwhelm me. I have thoughts of "shit this sucks." And then those thoughts give way to normal day to day thoughts. I don't cry as much. I don't cry all day. I have not yet had an anxiety attack. Hopefully I won't have ANY, but time will tell I guess. I'm feeling pretty optomistic about this. Every time I take my pill I tell myself "Brain drugs" and then I laugh. Because for some reason drugs make me laugh and when I call them brain drugs it makes me happy, so why not, right? To sum it up: I say YAY for antidepressants!!! YAAAAAAY!

Other things:
We are finally FINALLY moving out of the R.V. This means that we will have a HOUSE to live in together. A whole house!!! Can you IMAGINE? I sure as hell can. It's going to be so awesome. 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a living and dining and laundry room and a yard JUST FOR US!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
That is more than the length of an RV for SURE! Now we can have my family visit us more easily, and friends come hang out with us, and a place to sleep in our comfy bed that's not freezing!
I'm so excited! Thank you RV you have served your purpose in my life. I shall look back fondly on you and hope you continue to serve a purpose for my sis-in-law. I am on to bigger and better things.

Biting the bullet

I'd had enough of feeling like shit all the time. I'd tried a few things that didn't work for me. I tried a few other things encouraged on me by other people that didn't work for me. I kept feeling bad. I kept feeling angry. I held my sadness so tightly.

One Sunday night (for no obvious reason) I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I ever remember having. I cried for four hours straight from 1 a.m. until 5 a.m. My boyfriend, my lovely boyfriend, he just held onto me and then decided "We'll take you to the doctor today. I will take you there."

So he did. After months of my expressing to him that I think the sadness just isn't going to go away this time, he took me to get some legal-brain-drugs. I am so thankful for him, have I mentioned that lately??? My boyfriend is the most amazing person I have ever had in my life. (Besides my kids of course.)

WARNING::: IF you are a person who is going to say something judgemental or negative, please keep your thoughts to yourself. I don't want to hear your b.s. naysaying just so you can prove a point and make yourself feel better. (Also read the first paragraph about how nothing else was working for me.)

I thought at this point that since literally nothing else I have been trying for the past 6 months was working, I would be OK with trying antidepressants. I have in the past (read: before I even lived in Washington) thought about taking them but have felt uneasy. I was afraid of becoming a zombie--- no feelings, at least no "real" feelings. I didn't want to be neutral about my emotions. I still want to feel happy and I still want to feel sad. What I do NOT want is that sadness to overwhelm and run my life or ruin my days and nights. I didn't want my sadness to ruin my relationships with other people. Which it completely 100% was doing.

Back to the story. Monday came around and my b.f. took me to the local drop-in clinic. I called one of my good friends here and she recommended them among a few other options I could use if I needed to. (Thank goodness for friends.) I told the doctor what's up, and he suggest I start on an SSRI called Citalapram. (A knock off of Celexa) So I did. It has been two weeks and you know what? I don't feel so sad anymore. I ALSO don't feel like a zombie. I have happy, sad, neutral and all kinds of feelings still. The difference for me is that when I have a sad thought I now don't feel myself thinking it ALL DAMN DAY long. I acknowledge it and I move on. I could never do that before EVER. In my WHOLE LIFE EVER kind of situation. That's the key with depression- most people who aren't depressed can just move through feelings and they don't ruminate. For me, this drug is helping me have that feeling. And it feels sooooo freaking good.

The same friend who helped me out that day gave me some really good shoulders to lean on, and we had a good conversation. One thing she said stuck with me. It was as I was complaining about other people who don't believe depression is a "real disease" and they think I should just "get over it" (whatever "it" is)... she said to me, "That's such bullshit. That's like saying diabetes isn't a real disease and someone should just get over it. The brain is a functioning organ just like everything else and sometimes organs don't work correctly. Some people's do and some don't, it's just like that." It made me so happy to hear, it made me happy to think of it like that. So what? My brain doesn't work in the same fashion as yours, or anyone else's. NO ONE'S does. And that is OK. It's not supposed to. But it doesn't mean my depression isn't real or doesn't exist. It does. And this is helping.

I bit the bullet. And I feel like I made one of the best decisions I have made in a very very very long time. I will keep biting the bullet as long as I feel this way. And if it takes legal head drugs for me to do it, then so be it.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get really tired.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell is right with me.
Sometimes stuff sucks.
Sometimes stuff is good.
Sometimes stuff is REALLY FREAKIN' AWESOME.
Sometimes (OFTEN) I wonder what it would be like if I could actually get diagnosed with what the heck is wrong in my head, what if there was a way to fix it that I could actually afford, what if I didn't have to suffer anymore?
Sometimes I wish I could go to a doctor and see if I have something wrong with my brain and/or my body, so then at least I would KNOW for sure (if I trusted the doc's opinion that is). And then maybe I could fix it already. I wonder how long it's been this way- I mean, in my head it's been this way my whole damn life.

Alas, I can't go to any doctor for free, and I don't qualify for any kind of cheap health insurance around here because they "aren't accepting new patients"

So, sometimes (often)I remain unoptomistic.