Biting the bullet

I'd had enough of feeling like shit all the time. I'd tried a few things that didn't work for me. I tried a few other things encouraged on me by other people that didn't work for me. I kept feeling bad. I kept feeling angry. I held my sadness so tightly.

One Sunday night (for no obvious reason) I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I ever remember having. I cried for four hours straight from 1 a.m. until 5 a.m. My boyfriend, my lovely boyfriend, he just held onto me and then decided "We'll take you to the doctor today. I will take you there."

So he did. After months of my expressing to him that I think the sadness just isn't going to go away this time, he took me to get some legal-brain-drugs. I am so thankful for him, have I mentioned that lately??? My boyfriend is the most amazing person I have ever had in my life. (Besides my kids of course.)

WARNING::: IF you are a person who is going to say something judgemental or negative, please keep your thoughts to yourself. I don't want to hear your b.s. naysaying just so you can prove a point and make yourself feel better. (Also read the first paragraph about how nothing else was working for me.)

I thought at this point that since literally nothing else I have been trying for the past 6 months was working, I would be OK with trying antidepressants. I have in the past (read: before I even lived in Washington) thought about taking them but have felt uneasy. I was afraid of becoming a zombie--- no feelings, at least no "real" feelings. I didn't want to be neutral about my emotions. I still want to feel happy and I still want to feel sad. What I do NOT want is that sadness to overwhelm and run my life or ruin my days and nights. I didn't want my sadness to ruin my relationships with other people. Which it completely 100% was doing.

Back to the story. Monday came around and my b.f. took me to the local drop-in clinic. I called one of my good friends here and she recommended them among a few other options I could use if I needed to. (Thank goodness for friends.) I told the doctor what's up, and he suggest I start on an SSRI called Citalapram. (A knock off of Celexa) So I did. It has been two weeks and you know what? I don't feel so sad anymore. I ALSO don't feel like a zombie. I have happy, sad, neutral and all kinds of feelings still. The difference for me is that when I have a sad thought I now don't feel myself thinking it ALL DAMN DAY long. I acknowledge it and I move on. I could never do that before EVER. In my WHOLE LIFE EVER kind of situation. That's the key with depression- most people who aren't depressed can just move through feelings and they don't ruminate. For me, this drug is helping me have that feeling. And it feels sooooo freaking good.

The same friend who helped me out that day gave me some really good shoulders to lean on, and we had a good conversation. One thing she said stuck with me. It was as I was complaining about other people who don't believe depression is a "real disease" and they think I should just "get over it" (whatever "it" is)... she said to me, "That's such bullshit. That's like saying diabetes isn't a real disease and someone should just get over it. The brain is a functioning organ just like everything else and sometimes organs don't work correctly. Some people's do and some don't, it's just like that." It made me so happy to hear, it made me happy to think of it like that. So what? My brain doesn't work in the same fashion as yours, or anyone else's. NO ONE'S does. And that is OK. It's not supposed to. But it doesn't mean my depression isn't real or doesn't exist. It does. And this is helping.

I bit the bullet. And I feel like I made one of the best decisions I have made in a very very very long time. I will keep biting the bullet as long as I feel this way. And if it takes legal head drugs for me to do it, then so be it.