Burning Man - Missing it- Finding my own Home

Lately it's been ... awesome.

I missed Burning Man this year for the first time in 5 years. It affected me in a way I never thought it would. I was heartbroken for a week. I thought about it constantly. I knew it was coming- I made the decision last year at the end of Burning Man to not go this year. And I thought it would be just fine, I thought I wouldn't miss it. Well, I was wrong. Of course it was fine, obviously, but I was sad all week. Consumed with thoughts of my friends in the desert and what I was missing. I tried to console myself with friends who had also missed the burn, hot showers and real food and my own bed, but none of it helped all that much.

Luckily for me, I have amazing friends. On Saturday night, which would have been the night of the man burning, I went to a girls night with my friends. We got SLOSHED drunk and sat around a bonfire and hugged and kissed and loved each other. It was just what I needed that exact moment in time and I realized that the spirit of Burning Man is what I missed the most... The feeling of community, of loving, of freedom. Yes I missed the art, and my friends there, but I did NOT miss the hot, or the dust, or the dust storms.

I'm thankful for my friends. They have helped me in so many ways they don't even know I'm sure. Lately I've been making NEW friends and I like that too. I love adding good people to my friend circle.

So I lived through a week without Burning Man- the first week in 5 consecutive years. I did it, and it was OK. Instead, I found a semblance of home here where I live in reality. In Washington, not in Oregon, not in the Nevada desert. I look back and can't believe it has been almost two whole years since I've been with my boyfriend, two whole years since I've lived here. Two amazing happy years is nothing, I'm hoping for at least 100 more.

Quick Update

I have not written anything in quite some time. Here's what's going on lately in case any of y'all care or are just curious. I got a job which started in the beginning of June. Training for this job is freakin' stupid as stupid can be and I basically can't stand it. I am trying to be thankful to be getting a paycheck, and just hoping that it will change, but who knows how long it will last. I'm hoping that after training is done (in about two weeks) the "real job" won't suck as bad as training does. Sitting around with about 3 hours of down time during an 8 hour day staring at a wall is just laaaaaaaame. Our instructor doesn't know how to instruct, and doesn't tell us what to do in this down time, so we just end up twiddling our thumbs and such. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of my time, but... what can ya do? Times are tough, so it sucks but I have to just deal with the b.s. that comes along with it. FOR NOW!

My kids are here with us visiting for a few more weeks. It's been awesome having them here. (Besides being pissed off that I can't see them as much I want to 'cause I'm always working.) I have a great friend who is babysitting them while I work and for that I am very VERY thankful. I don't know what I'd do without her help- seriously.

I haven't been hanging out with my friends very much, but don't worry- I still love you guys. It's just that when my kids are here, I'm devoted to them a lot because I don't see them very much during the year, and they are the bomb!!!! Obviously my priority lies in being with family.

Boyfriend & I are doing OK- he's being awesome and totally helpful and supportive and great through having the kids here. He's been a great listener to my complaints about stupid jobs and such.

There's the update. DONE!

Pet Love

We recently got a cat. This is an endeavor I have never before been on as an adult.
He is a Blue Russian, approximately 7 months old now, and we named him Pixel. He is the perfect shiny beautiful most amazing kitty I have ever seen.


I had cats and small -ish dogs when I was a little kid, but I'd never as an adult had a pet. Probably because I was too busy having babies in my 20s. Hee hee.) I'd always LIKED cats, in fact I loved them. I'd always THOUGHT of getting a cat, but never could find the time or money to do so. I knew my b.f. liked cats also. There was no reason to NOT get a cat. NOW was the time.

So we did it. We got him from a cat rescue place, and they gave him to us for free- fixed, shots, and all! The woman who worked there was just so happy that he was going to people who would love him. And love him we do.



Some of my friends talk about their pets like they are their children. They were/are so in love with them. I never understood. I would just laugh and kind of wonder what they were talking about. BUT THEN- I turned into one of those people. It took me all of TWO DAYS to become a cat lover.

I love my cat sooooo much. He has kept me company the last few months when I've been unemployed. He sits on the couch and sleeps all day and at night he sleeps curled up next to my legs and even though I can't roll over without knocking the cat down, I love him. He wears a little blue collar with a small bell on it so wherever he goes we can hear the "jingle jingle" of him running around.

At night he likes to be hyper ('cause apparently that's how cats & babies roll) and he meows at us if we don't play with his favorite pink toy. I love to bury my face in his silky silver fur and just inhale his smell. He is the silkiest most pretty thing I have EVER SEEN. He loves to cuddle and jump on laps, and he especially loves my kids.



Pixel is definitely my best animal friend. He listens to my problems, lets me cry on his shoulder, isn't too demanding, runs around like a wild animal, and reminds me that life is good with a pet. I love having a cat.

Killing

There's a line in a song by Jenny Lewis that sums up my title: "Are we killing time? Are we killing each other?" It's from the song called Melt Your Heart. It can be found here:
http://youtu.be/WNHo7Qog7qU

But that's not really the point- it's just something that popped into my head as I began this blog tonight. Lately I've been dealing with some really hard internal stuff/internal feelings. I've had to work out some really really tough things with my significant other. Where we stand, what our rules and boundaries are, and how an open relationship works and how it changes constantly. I've had to work on myself and he's had to work on himself and all the time we're trying to stick together and love each other. We both have to break bad habits. And I find it sooo freakin' hard.

Sometimes it's hard to remember the good in each other when there's so much anger and hurt around. I spent a recent weekend at my kids' birthday parties in Oregon and that was good fun. The bad part was that even from 450 miles away there was anger and rage and fighting and hurt. The worst part is that my kids saw one end of it- mine. They saw me hurting. And there was no explanation for "why mom is mad at her boyfriend." other than the typical "sometimes people just get mad at each other and I'm crying because I'm frustrated. It's OK. We'll work it out" sort of explanation. Luckily, my b.f. talked to my kids on the phone and told them the same thing, so they seemed to be O.K. after that. But I wasn't.

I got back home to Washington and continued to be hurt, and angry, and sad, and lonely. I spent a lot of time talking to one of my great friends who has helped me through this whole process. It made me realize I'm thankful for my friends. Thankful for the ones who help me with my bullshit. Thankful for a listening long distant ear and a close up hug and love through time and space.

So here I was- sad and feeling alone and distant. It sucked for me. It sucked for him. It sucked for everyone involved. It sucked for the public eye who had to watch us hiss at each other over stupid petty miscommunications. It made me wonder stupid things like "is this REALLY what I signed up for coming here? More failure? More bullshit?" Because I really thought this would be different. I thought it would WORK this time damnit.

After weeks of feeling like crap, we had a blowout. A huge blowout. The worse blowout we've ever had. We decided to possibly break up. We decided there was no other way through it. We decided to make a firm decision in the morning. (it was already 5 a.m.) So we did. The next day we talked. We didn't argue. We plainly talked for about 2 and 1/2 hours... about killing time, about killing each other mentally, about how much we hated feeling bad about each other. And we decided to stick it out. We both have to work on this- me for instance must work on letting my anger go and not bringing it up again to him. Him, making me feel like a first priority over others.

I hope it works. I hope it is not in vain. I'm scared, but I'm relieved. I don't want to break up with my b.f. Not one bit. I've never loved so hard, never BEEN loved so hard in return. I know this is it. This is the one I've waited for.... "Wanna stay right here, til the end of time, til the earth stops turning. Gonna love you til the seas run dry. I've found the one I've waited for." (another song- Gorecki by Lamb) (can be found here:http://youtu.be/UcSwDUE-QK4)

So that's the drama of my life as of right now. I felt the need to write about it and here it is. THE LINKS don't work if you click on them, but you can go ahead and copy and paste if you're interested in hearing the songs. They are both amazing.

Weekend

mohawks
birthdays
old friends
good friends
true friends
drinking
great conversations
new friends
importance of history happening while we partook in it
snow monkeys
talking of love and of falling into it
waking up
french toast and jam
laughter
ice cream and where to get it
nap time
20 questions
the sky, table lamp
an irish pub
beautiful friends in beautiful clothing
cold cold line waiting
moving stopping moving again
finding our place
musical genius
singing, drums, marimba, guitar, bass,
SINGING
lyrics. The most amazing lyrics.
poems by DICKMAN!!!!
teary eyes not believing such a woman was right in front of me.
Right in front of me.
Breathing the same air as me.
leaving excited with open night ahead
Cheap dive bar
Strong drinks
Dilletante chocolate cherry martinis
Expensive for my own taste
Delicious
Laughter Walking Shouting
Going "home" for the night
Negro Modelo and
Hard cider made for spring
Limited Editions
My joy and surprise in the crisp peach flavor
Wishing it would last longer than spring.
Speaking of crushes, of girls loving boys loving boys loving girls loving girls loving girls loving everyone.
Speaking of meetings, of getting together, of relationships, of cheating, of open/closed/poly/mono/normal ???/communication!!!
Setting boundaries making loose rules
Deep huge bathtubs built for two or three.
Remembering the pleasure of having a bath drawn for only you.
Goddess in white appearing from nowhere
Hairbrush in hand
Backrubs, scalp rubs, skin
Foreign words entering my brain for later use.
Foreign feelings entering my brain for later use.
Perrier/Perrierrrr Water. Drink more water. Snob water.
So warm, pruny skin.
Fancy thick beer for sharing.
Towels lotion tea tree oil
the softest lips I have ever been kissed with.
Blankets, beds, couches, floors, kitchens, windows, music, birds
Sunrise of the city coming to life
People in planes so far away doing "real life" things
Too many thoughts going so fast wanting to hold the moment to never forget how this feels right here right now.
Snuggles kisses Love. Sex. Feeling.
The tiny hairs on smooth skin.
Dancing not believing
Dream world such meditation such beautiful bodies moving in the sunlight all as one
Remembering things from nowhere, memories popping to life.
Old porches and other sunrises and a whole different past.
Never thinking never imagining how amazing this could be.
Never imagining I could end up here. HERE with these people.
Love. Love. Shared. Important. Kept. So close to my heart, in my mind forever.
Sunlight, curtains, so warm in blankets, so loved, so close to tears with joy.
Together Alone Apart Together.
As together as "this is my life and it is really happening right now."
As one. As one. As one.
Sleep eluding those of us who never want it to end.
Never want it to end.
Waking up (was there any sleep at all)
Topless woman perfect mind perfect body
Coffee, toast, and apples pears grapefruit and just enough raspberries for each to have one.
Reluctantly dressing back to a life so far gone, so far in the past.
Walking outside, music playing in a fountain.
Children, sunlight, getting sprayed by musical water.
Thankful. Thankful. Thankful.
In love with this.
Dream like state dream like world dream like life dream like you have never dreamed before like dreaming is all that matters because dreams are real.

My Body and How I Feel About It

1. I like my porcelain doll skin. I am so pale. I have no desire to be "tan" other than what the sun naturally kisses me with.

2. I have insecurities about my belly. This girl who once weighed a mere 96 pounds before having babies now weighs a good amount more than that, and has birthed 2 children. I weigh as much now as I did when I was 9 months pregnant, and I'm NOT PREGNANT currently. The thing is, I'm not motivated enough to try to do sit ups or ab exercises, so I just deal with it and try to dress appropriately when I go out so that my own ugly parts don't show. I know these insecurites exist in my head, and I'm very VERY lucy to have a boyfriend who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy no matter what.

3. The upside to having babies was that I finally got some boobs. I think that physical part of me is basically perfect. Not too big, not too small- just kind of amazing. And they also fed two babies- functional AND awesome.

4. My feet are small with high arches, I like them OK. They get me around to all kinds of places, they help me walk, drive, run, stand, sit... I don't give my feet enough attention. But I DO paint my toenails. Right now they are blue.

5. My legs are short and small, just like the rest of me. I have small genes, what can I say?

6. These two arms - they help me cuddle, they give hugs, they receive hugs, they LOVE hugs. I like them a lot.

7. My face. I think I'm pretty. I have always thought I'm OK looking, but now, in my adult life, I think I'm pretty. Not like "Oh my god supermodel" pretty, but just normal pretty. Pretty enough.

8. Growing my hair out is always proving to be a challenge. I hate growing up and I think I look hot with short boyish hair. BUT... I want to see what I look like with longish hair, so I guess I'll just try to keep growing it. No promises though.
I always dye my hair, it's been every color in the rainbow, and it helps to have a change while trying to grow it longer.

It's been too long

I haven't posted in a long time. I guess I didn't really have anything exciting to say here! I really still don't, but whatever. I rarely have anything great to say in any case.

My b.f. and I moved away from the RV we were living in and now we are living in a house. It has 3 bedrooms, a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a pantry. So much space. Sometimes I just sit in my living room and think "This is so freaking awesome." Because it totally is! My b.f. works so hard so we can afford this, and it's just another way I'm thankful for him.

Over the last two weeks my kids were here in town visiting us. That was really REALLY fun. We mostly just chilled around the house, and it made me happy. We did go to the space needle, and that was definitely worth remembering. We also spent a lot of time over at my friend's house... one of my besties! One of my kids besties also.

We had to take them to Portland on Saturday, so they could go home. While we were doing that we had the chance to visit with some of our good friends in Portland. And one of my best friends from K. Falls came up and visited us too. It was one of the BEST most fun weekends I've had in a very long time, and I really needed it to help me calm down and feel better about not having my kids for another month. It was so great, it was so epic. Loved it. Love all the people involved in it.

The other new thing is that my b.f. and I got a cat. His name is Pixel and he is a Russian Blue. He makes me feel less lonely and I love having him around to pet and to play with and to just generally make me feel less alone in the house all day. It's kind of amazing.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the love I am surrounded by lately. It makes me feel HAPPY.
That is it for now.