Super Duper Fat

Hi friends. I've been hesitant to even talk about this publicly but here goes.

First, if you feel I'm fat shaming you or anyone, I apologize in advance. That is definitely not my aim. This post is selfishly ALL ABOUT ME and the way I feel about MY OWN BODY with MY OWN  MIND.

If you're going to be offended by the use of the word "fat" in the sense that I'm uncomfortable being so, please quit reading, or if you don't quit reading, then don't comment mean things to me. I don't wanna hear it. I'm trying to be good to myself, and that is hard enough as it is.
Second, I don't need to hear shit like, "oh, but you look GREAT!" Be that as it may, I personally don't feel I look good, or great, or anything in that variety. So, while it's definitely nice to hear, I get it, you want to build up a friend, but I just need to vent right here. So don't be offended if I'm not like, "Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH! You're right, I AM NOT FAT AFTER ALL."

So, here goes (for real this time).

For the first time recently, I am trying to lose weight.  By weight, I mean, my belly fat. I, like most other people, want to lose the weight NOW. I've never ever been an "Exercise is so fun, and I LOVE working out." In fact, I'm the opposite. I'm lazy as fuck and I like it that way. I am not going to go a gym, and I'm not going to start doing sit ups and push ups and shit like that. I'm just not. What I WILL do is go swimming if I can, and walk more, and be less sedentary in general. That's a HUGE step for me, OK? HUGE. Good for you if you walk 10K steps in a day, I'm lucky if I get 500. Seriously. My "goal" lately has been 3,000. This is a big deal for me, and it's about 3 miles for me. (I'm super short, so yes it is.)  (That's 6 TIMES what I used to walk daily, people. So, chew on that.)

I have been walking every day (almost) since January. I have not lost ONE FUCKING POUND. I'm upset. It's maddening. Really? All this walking for nothing? It's bullshit. It makes me mad that I can't even lose ONE POUND. I don't have an over eating problem. I never have. In fact, if anything, I starve myself all day and eat one meal at night. It is stupid, and not healthy, blah blah that's not the point, I'm working on it, OK?
I've also been really trying to watch what I eat lately, and I'm HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. GOD DAMNIT. It makes me hangry and annoyed. There's no point in it. (As of yet anyway.)

I wish I could just mentally be OK with being fat. Like, "Oh, it doesn't offend me that people mistake me for being pregnant often." Yes it does offend me. Or, "Oh, I'm FINE with not looking cute in clothes because my fucking fat stomach takes all the shirt room." I'm NOT FINE with it. I can't even wear clothes in anything but a size XL even though a Large fits, because then I look EXTRA PREGNANT. UGH. It's fucking dumb.

Oh, you might say, "Well you have a loving partner, and he doesn't care how you look." While yes, that IS true, again, it's not about how HE feels about me, it's about how I FEEL ABOUT ME. And it's not good. I basically hate the way I look right now. No, I DO hate the way I look right now, not basically at all. I hate it. I hate being fat. I'm not OK with it in the least bit.

I don't know why, and I don't care. I don't care if it's "society pressure" or whatever the fuck that tells me I need to be skinnier. I just WANT to be skinnier so I can feel better mentally about my body.

For those of you who didn't know me as a child, I was VERY SKINNY, too skinny in fact. All until I had kids, which for most of us, kills the body. It did to me anyway. And then I never got my body back. So that blows. But, I never really tried. And now that I AM trying, I'm not seeing results, even 6 months later.

The point of this blog is that, I'm pissed off about being fat. I wish I were skinnier. I hope one day to have better self esteem but I know that won't happen until I lose weight.
I hope that anyone reading this, and can relate, I just hope you know you're not alone. I'm with you. And it isn't fun. But it's real. It's me. It's real.

Feelings and Stuff

Last night one of the biggest shootings in America happened, as some psycho shot up a gay club in Florida.  Why are people so hateful? It saddens me.

I really wish people would be more open minded. Just because someone is fucking someone else in a way not like you is no excuse for anything. It is ridiculous. As the saying goes, LOVE IS LOVE. And it is. So shut the fuck up and get over yourself.

I love my spouse, I love my children, I love my cat, I love my friends. I have LGBQT friends and I love them the same way I love anyone else. Weird, right? Who knew it could just be EASY to accept people for being themselves.

Growing up I felt pretty rejected, like, a lot. Being Mormon was bullshit. I hated it. I felt stuck in a world I never fit into and forced to believe in some pretty weird shit. While of course it had it good points, and fun things, and sure I made friends there, some of which I am still friends with, it wasn't for me. It STILL isn't for me, and besides the weird crap they believe in, the #1 reason why I am not in their religion anymore is because they don't accept people who are out of their norm- people like me.  They may claim to, but sorry family and Mormons, you don't. You would never let a gay person into your church and all you'd do is "pray for them to overcome their sinful homosexuality" or some bullshit like that.

It is awful that people feel rejected. I hate that I have made others feel that way myself and I try hard not to these days. I'm sorry for all of the rejected people, and probably that psycho with a gun felt rejected in a way too, but still not OK to just kill people. It is terrible & saddening & angering.

Anyway, that's off topic. (Another off topic thing- the dumb ass racist fuck running for President of my country. Fuck that guy so hard! UgH IDIOT)......

 I'm just sad. Sad that guns are so readily available to psycho people. Sad that people hate people enough to shoot them or rape them or kill them or whatever. What kind of bullshit world am I living in right now???

I'm sad my kids have to be raised among this shit. Sorry, kids, I didn't know it would get this bad when you grew up, but it did.

All in all, I have a great life, I'm lucky, but right now my heart is breaking for the world.

I'm pretty sick of this nonsense and I just needed to vent.

Where does time go?

Almost 6 months ago I had this crazy thing happen to me..... I had another baby.

My oldest baby is 15 now and my next oldest is 13. My youngest baby is nearly 6 months old. I didn't really picture that happening in my life and I'm so thankful that it has.

I can't believe my son & daughter used to be babies and I used to breastfeed them and rock them and read them book after book and kiss their open mouths full of drool & spit up & they would kiss me back. . . I do all of these things with my new baby too.

It's weird. Time goes by so fast and then you turn around and everything is different. It's heart breaking & glorious all at once. 

I love the people my children are turning into and I am excited to see what my new one will turn into- a dragon maybe?!? (Haha!)

My life is grand and I don't say enough how thankful I am for it.

I am thankful. I am supported. Everywhere I have support and I am so thankful for my husband who supports me financially so that I may stay home with our baby and raise her like I wanted to for my entire life.  I am lucky and I don't ever EVER want to take that for granted.

Love is right now all around me. I am glad. It will stay.

Mom problems!

Mom problems continued: Baby just wants to suckle ALL the time!!! She has been having a very hard time lately at night falling asleep on her own with no pacifier. I am not against her having one but I AM against myself holding it in her mouth for an hour and a half straight while I am awake and exhausted the whole time of doing this. Each time it falls out, even if she is asleep, she cries loudly! I finally went into my own room because I need sleep too but of course left to her own devices she just suckles her hands and thumbs but they are not good enough so she just cries more loudly! Man, I feel lucky my other two kids never had this problem but I am pretty tired. Fingers crossed she just falls asleep on her own as I don't know any other options wherein either of us gets any sleep. Also this is NOT a nap time daytime problem, only a night thing. Sigh. I do love babies and she sure is cute!!!!

Baby H meets the world!

After much heartbreak & lots of crying & annoyance at the last year after my miscarriage, I got pregnant again pretty quickly, and very luckily.

On Dec 19, 2014, baby H joined my world and my life.
She is the third child of mine, my other two kids being ages 14 & 12 right now.

It is amazing to add her to my family, to be a sibling for others and a daughter for my sweet husband, his first child.

I am so happy to have her in my world. If I believed in heaven I would like to think that my dad and brother sent her to me just wrapped up perfectly. I don't believe in heaven or hell but I still like to have those thoughts from time to time.

I still sometimes think of the baby we lost. Although it wasn't a "baby" yet, it could have been, it was going to eventually be a baby, and I wonder if it would've been a boy or a girl, what it's name would have been, what it would look like. I will probably always wonder about it, and forever it will be special to me no matter what.

For now I am definitely sleep deprived, crabby, feeling very unsexy indeed and basically acting milk machine 24/7 for a newborn baby.  I wouldn't want it any other way and therein lies the grace, I suppose, of motherhood.

Strangers and how super cool they sometimes are.

A customer at work told me today that I have a great sing-songy voice. I told him thank you because that was a great compliment to me because I love to sing and I love music and my husband sings a choir. He said that is fantastic. For some reason we developed a very quick repertoire with each other. He kept using the military alphabet & that was cool too, I told him so. I told him it is a very useful thing to know and I was trying to practice my own military letters. He said, "Do you know them all from alpha to zed?" I said, "I think so, I can tell you if you really aren't sure." And he laughed and told me he didn't need to quiz me! It was funny, we laughed together.

He also poked a little bit of fun at me for not knowing where a Washington town is, since I live here and all, but I told him I'm not native to the area and so I didn't know where a lot of places are.


At the end of our phone call I had to call him back, he needed to double check something about where the package was getting shipped to.  When I called him back later, he told me that he really liked my voice, and it seemed that I would be someone he would be friends with in real life. I told him thank you and he would probably be my friend in real life too.

After this conversation and finishing his order and shipping info, he told me it's been great talking to me on the phone. I said thanks to him and he made my day a lot better so I was glad there were great customers such as him. He said, "Well have a nice life. I mean, night, I mean, both! Have a nice life AND a nice night." I said, "You have a really nice life and night too."  It was so awesome!!

It's times like this that really make me think about my life, and how ... I don't know..... important and touching we can make each moment if we want to.
All it takes is a few kind words & a few extra moments with people, random strangers, and it's just not that hard.

It reminded me of Burning Man, and how everyone there just LOVES. (Or at least LIKES a lot) I want to bring this back to my life. I want this to happen more often. I am thankful to this man, some random stranger, who taught me today that it's OK sometimes to just let a guard down (within good parameters) and talk to someone.  Thank you, man, thank you. (I know his name, but only from our phone call, and I will not share it because I could definitely lose my job!!!!)

To finish, I'm pretty sure he wasn't flirting (well, maybe a little) because he was married, he was buying jewelry for his lady friend. Wife, girlfriend, etc. So, whatever, if it was flirting, then so be it, but I'm pretty sure it was definitely a genuine connection between strangers and it made me really happy. Dang.

New Pregnancy

I was just reading through my blog and HOLY EMOTIONS!

Funnily enough, I think a few days after I wrote the last blog I found out I am pregnant again!
This is great news.
At first I didn't QUITE believe it- the two home tests said positive but I wasn't ready to be excited yet about it.  I was still kind of like, "Well I hope this one sticks." As I told people and they were happy for me I felt weird not being able to return their happiness. I WANTED to, I was just afraid that if I let myself feel that it's real and actually happening that I'd miscarry again. (I know it's not logical, and I'm not logical basically EVER, so that thought shouldn't surprise any one I know.)

After a few weeks, I told everyone I knew. I turned 36 and had my first check up on my birthday May 1st. I was indeed, pregnant, just like the tests said.  I felt excited and scared and super apprehensive. Plus I had to pee all the time already! Annoying!

The weeks have gone by and I was puking, every day at least coughing like I MIGHT throw up at any second and actually puking about twice a week. I had no appetite for about a month and that was an odd feeling- food just did not appeal to me whatsoever. Every day I woke up feeling like crap I felt OK about it because I knew it's just my body making a baby. I still wasn't sure if it was real, but was allowing myself some happiness about the situation.
Every morning I woke up and wasn't bleeding I felt happier.

On Monday, June 23rd, my husband & I went in for our second doctor's appointment. Luckily for me since I was so recently pregnant, I didn't have to do the crazy "let's draw 50 zillion vials of your blood" test. My doc had already done those tests so I didn't have to do them again! YESSSSS! I'm now 12 weeks pregnant, and at the end of my appointment my doc told me she's going to wait until next time to try to hear the heartbeat. I asked if we could please at least TRY. My husband chimed in and told me he thinks that the doc doesn't want me to be scared or disappointed if we couldn't find a heartbeat.  I told him and the doc that I understand but I wanted to try anyway. So she did and it took about 5 seconds for a strong heartbeat to come through. At 155 beats a minute, everything sounded normal.  It was super exciting and my husband's first time hearing such a thing. I thought his smile would surely crack through the windows and break them all open, it was so cute.

Now I'm beginning to feel happy and OK about being pregnant. My appetite is back, I don't feel super pukey all the time, and there's a heartbeat for now. One of my friends recently told me, "Everything's fine until it's not." That has become my mantra. There is nothing I can do one way or another to control if this baby sticks. I HOPE it does. I won't do drugs, or drink excessive alcohol, or smoke, or drive like a crazy person, etc. But other than that, it's not in my hands. I don't believe in God so I'm not going to say it's in God's hands either. It just IS. It's here, it's happening, it's my life.

On Tuesday we have an ultrasound to check for down syndrome - that will be another exciting step and I'm sure I'll update then.