Christmas Thoughts

On my phone I get this free app called "Inspire Me" I read it daily. Sometimes it is cool, sometimes it is not cool. I found this one from last December that I emailed to myself, and it makes sense for this time of year...............

Today's Quotation:
At Christmastime, children play an essential part in our celebrations.  So much of what we do is intended to please them--and all the while our hearts keep hearkening back to the Christmas memories of our own childhoods.  On Christmas Eve, sometimes we can't help but envy our children the stars in their eyes, especially when our own eyes are dull with exhaustion.     Christmas is so much simpler for a child.  Can we open our tired, adult eyes to that same simplicity? Ellen Sanna

Today's Meditation:
Almost everyone that I know complicates Christmas a great deal.  They buy too many gifts, or worse, they feel obligated to buy too many gifts because of what they perceive as other people's expectations and potential disappointment.  They dread the family get-togethers and don't want to go to them, but they rarely say no.  They spend more money than they have and then suffer for that for months afterwards.  It's quite sad that we don't allow ourselves simply to sit back and enjoy the Christmas season. A lot of the stress that we feel during the season is based on expectations, especially those of the children that we don't want to disappoint.  Many kids have developed grandiose expectations of gifts to be gotten, and they know how to put the pressure on their parents if they feel that there's the slightest possibility of getting what they want.  But trying to meet other people's expectations is rarely a recipe for happiness.  Christmas should be a great opportunity for us to show people who we are in our generosity, not a chance to show them that they can manipulate us with their expectations. Simplifying Christmas is very important if we ever want to feel the true joy of the holiday.  Christmas is about peace and the joy we can share with others, and there are plenty of ways that we can share those things without getting caught up in the decorating contests and the buying frenzies and the manipulations.  In our family, we realized early on that Christmas should be simple, and the simpler we keep it, the more we're able to give during the rest of the year, also. Remember, pleasing children isn't a question of giving in to all their whims and wants.  Pleasing them also has to do with teaching them the true importance of holidays such as Christmas, about the reverence and the peace and the joy we're meant to share.  They can help us to realize this joy if we can just learn about the wonder and the magic from them, and combine that knowledge with our own knowledge of the significance of the more important aspects of the holiday season.

Questions to consider:
Do you find Christmas to be a stressful time or a peaceful, reverent time? Why? What kinds of things can we learn from children during the holidays? Why does simpler tend to be better in almost everything?
 


For further thought:
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. Calvin Coolidge

Vices

I'm in a complaining mood so this is going to be a complaining post.

I miss my drinking days.
I don't miss getting drunk, but I miss going to the bar. I've been going with friends lately, like once a week, out to a nearby cider/beer bar, and that has truly been helping. It may seem like something weird to miss, but whatever, I like it. I like socializing outside of my house sometimes.

I hate HATE HATE looking for a job. Oh my god, it is the most awful bullshit ever. I have applied for a few and gotten denied for 2 since I got laid off in late March. One job I got denied b/cause I don't want to show up for work at 6 a.m. Don't tell me I'm being picky, I don't give a shit if I am... 6 a.m. is not a happy time for miss Erika. Period. The other one I was apparently overqualified for (cafeteria worker in hospital)... WTF! It's tough out there, boys & girls. Tough.

I am feeling super freaking fat lately. I don't weigh any more than normal, but my pants don't fit and I'm angry about this fact. They just fit fine last week. WTF is going on? This angers me. It angers me to the point that I am determined to lose this god damn fat stomach. I look pregnant, and I am NOT pregnant (unfortunately for me)..... I look sick to myself and I am not happy about it, so I must start exercising now. Luckily, my b.f. and I made a pact to walk every weekend somewhere together. Also, I think I have myself reached the point of unhappiness with my body that I am determined to start walking every day. I might not lose this weight quickly, but I am going to lose it, and that's all that matters. My b.f. suggested I put away the scale for one month starting the day I start exercising daily, and then see how much I lose in one month. I don't know if I can do it... I'm worried about GAINING weight, so that's why I weigh myself just to make sure I'm staying the same-ish.

I really want to have another kid. Like yesterday. There is no point in bringing this up to my b.friend because we've had endless talks about it. (YES I realize I would get fatter if I was pregnant- NOT THE POINT!!!!) He wants a kid, yes, but "not until we're ready"... There is no use trying to explain there will NEVER be a time when we are "ready". I'm frustrated and it sucks and I try to not to talk about it or bring it up, but it has really been bothering me lately. Ugh. I don't even know what to do anymore, I'm just upset.


The only non complaining thing I have to say in this post is that I'm really happy my 2 kids are moving only 3 hours away from me rather than the 8 hours away they live now. STOKED!

Slacking Off on Blog Posts Again

To those who read/follow.... yeah I haven't posted anything in over half of a year. My mistake. I guess I have nothing new to report usually so it's all good.

Let's see, I got a job over the "Holidays" which lasted until March, doing customer servicey things and that was really great. I made some money and more importantly met some really cool people there. Now I am unemployed (again- story of my WA life it seems) and super bored and super broke. It sucks being unemployed. It sucks looking for jobs. It all around SUCKS. Every part of it sucks... UNLESS I had a baby or my kids lived here for me to take care of, otherwise it's pretty much lame and does NO GOOD for self esteem, for hanging out, or for anything else really.

My b.f. and I are doing good. Still fighting once in a while, but mostly getting along the majority of the time. I've made some hella good friends, and I've been trying to be more proactive in my friendships with wanting to get out of the house and stuff.

No news is good news for now.

Giving Thanks

In the spirit of November, when everyone chooses to give "thanks" for the Americans raping the Indians and stealing their stuff, I will write this blog.

I am NOT thankful for the way Thanksgiving has been mistold over my lifetime.
However, I AM thankful for a few things lately, and I will list them in this post in no particular order.
- I am thankful for the band Florence & The Machine. I can't listen to them enough.
- I am thankful for my glasses for without them I could see NOTHING.
- I am thankful for the game Rock Band. It has gotten me through many many boring days.
- I am thankful for facebook. It has also gotten me through many boring days.
- I am thankful for the internet in general, which helps me post this blog, and use facebook, and listen to good music, and read cool news.
- I am thankful for cable television because I like to watch TV. (OMG! Don't judge me.)
- I give thanks to feeling like "home" in this house I live in with my boyfriend and my Pixel cat.
- I thank the gods of caffeine and sugar.
- I thank the goddesses of good girl friends- all the ones I know in Everett & Seattle & beyond. Thank you for making this place feel like home to me.
- I thank the goddesses for good boy friends- my own boyfriend who takes such amazing care of me. Who supports me emotionally and financially and every other "ly" word I can think of. I'm so blessed and lucky to get to spend my life with him. Also glad I have really really amazing boy "friends" around these parts.
- I am thankful for my happy pills which keep my brain straight from day to day. I remember how crazy I once was, and I'm so glad I made the choice to take these pills. I make the choice EVERY DAY to take these pills.
- I am thankful for my long distance girl crush (you know who you are, L). I wish your state was closer to mine. I am thankful that we got to reconnect after so many years.
- I am glad for quesadillas. MMMMM.
- I am glad for my loving family. My parents, my siblings, my kids, my extended family- cousins & nieces & nephews, etc.
- I am thankful for alcohol.
- I am thankful for my Burning Man family. All of them have made me into who I am today.
- There are many more things I can think of, but I'm sick of posting, so let's call this good for now.
-

Sept/Oct

I don't have a job anymore. Back in August was the end of that. And I'm OK with it because that job and its politics were totally lame.
BUT... I could use a job in a BAD way. It's honestly boring without one. I do enjoy cleaning the house and doing "housewifey" things, but I don't have my kids here to take care of so the actions get old fairly quickly. I've been looking for jobs but the economy sucks (SURPRISE) and even fast food places aren't hiring these days. It is difficult. Hopefully something comes along soon.

My b.f. and I had a really great weekend together. Finally we had time to spend together after a few weeks of travel and being apart. We went to San Francisco in the end of September and saw a bunch of friends. It was really REALLY fun. I got to reconnect with old friends and bond with the newer ones. My b.f. and I made a love match by accident with two of our mutual friends and that is fun indeed! After that trip, I went to Oregon for a week to visit my family. I went to the coast with my kids and my mom. (I also got to see one of my brothers in Portland and gave him his birthday present!- a retro sign to fit with his other art in his house. He liked it.) In Portland I also got to bond with some friends I've known forever and that was really great.
BACK to the weekend with my b.f. After all of this traveling ,we hadn't had any time to just be together alone. And finally we did. We spent the weekend in our house, just relaxing together. It was exactly what we needed. Sometimes we need to remember why we are a couple, why we love each other, why I moved 450 miles to be with him in the first place. It was excellent.

Last night I got to see a local friend. I love this girl, I love hanging out with her. She's been having some problems with her significant other lately, and that's been hard to deal with it I'm sure. I have been trying to be a friend to her, and it's been so hard to see her suffering. We have to let people learn their own lessons and live their own lives, and I'm proud of her for making a good decision about her relationship--- just letting the bad parts go and moving on. It's a lesson I myself need to learn sometimes.

Magic Marker

Just for fun 'cause I have good memories of this night....This is me & a few of my girl friends in May. Photo booth fun!!

In newer news:



Monday night I went to a Thievery Corporation Concert at the Moore Theatre. It was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. Definitely one of the best bands to go see live. I highly recommend it.


They have a song in which they sing the lyrics, "LIGHT IT UP! MARIJUANA!" I had not heard this song before, and although I understood the "light it up" part I don't know why I didn't associate it with marijuana.



So I said to my b.f. who was there, "What are they saying? Black marker?" He said, "I don't know." So when it was time to sing along he yelled out "MAGIC MARKER!!!" And we told our other friend J who was there as well... we all got a great laugh out of the whole thing. After the concert we walked to a local bar a few blocks away. On the way there, we were STILL reeling in the amazing concert we'd just seen and laughing and having fun, y'know, the usual. We met up with another friend, M and told him about our magic marker plight. He said, "Oh hell yeah. I heard they're gonna make a remix of that song and call it The Sharpie Remix." Of course we just ALL busted up laughing and now I know it will forever be one of our inside jokes. You all can tell the story too but make sure you think of us while you do so!

Burning Man - Missing it- Finding my own Home

Lately it's been ... awesome.

I missed Burning Man this year for the first time in 5 years. It affected me in a way I never thought it would. I was heartbroken for a week. I thought about it constantly. I knew it was coming- I made the decision last year at the end of Burning Man to not go this year. And I thought it would be just fine, I thought I wouldn't miss it. Well, I was wrong. Of course it was fine, obviously, but I was sad all week. Consumed with thoughts of my friends in the desert and what I was missing. I tried to console myself with friends who had also missed the burn, hot showers and real food and my own bed, but none of it helped all that much.

Luckily for me, I have amazing friends. On Saturday night, which would have been the night of the man burning, I went to a girls night with my friends. We got SLOSHED drunk and sat around a bonfire and hugged and kissed and loved each other. It was just what I needed that exact moment in time and I realized that the spirit of Burning Man is what I missed the most... The feeling of community, of loving, of freedom. Yes I missed the art, and my friends there, but I did NOT miss the hot, or the dust, or the dust storms.

I'm thankful for my friends. They have helped me in so many ways they don't even know I'm sure. Lately I've been making NEW friends and I like that too. I love adding good people to my friend circle.

So I lived through a week without Burning Man- the first week in 5 consecutive years. I did it, and it was OK. Instead, I found a semblance of home here where I live in reality. In Washington, not in Oregon, not in the Nevada desert. I look back and can't believe it has been almost two whole years since I've been with my boyfriend, two whole years since I've lived here. Two amazing happy years is nothing, I'm hoping for at least 100 more.