I was just reading through my blog and HOLY EMOTIONS!
Funnily enough, I think a few days after I wrote the last blog I found out I am pregnant again!
This is great news.
At first I didn't QUITE believe it- the two home tests said positive but I wasn't ready to be excited yet about it. I was still kind of like, "Well I hope this one sticks." As I told people and they were happy for me I felt weird not being able to return their happiness. I WANTED to, I was just afraid that if I let myself feel that it's real and actually happening that I'd miscarry again. (I know it's not logical, and I'm not logical basically EVER, so that thought shouldn't surprise any one I know.)
After a few weeks, I told everyone I knew. I turned 36 and had my first check up on my birthday May 1st. I was indeed, pregnant, just like the tests said. I felt excited and scared and super apprehensive. Plus I had to pee all the time already! Annoying!
The weeks have gone by and I was puking, every day at least coughing like I MIGHT throw up at any second and actually puking about twice a week. I had no appetite for about a month and that was an odd feeling- food just did not appeal to me whatsoever. Every day I woke up feeling like crap I felt OK about it because I knew it's just my body making a baby. I still wasn't sure if it was real, but was allowing myself some happiness about the situation.
Every morning I woke up and wasn't bleeding I felt happier.
On Monday, June 23rd, my husband & I went in for our second doctor's appointment. Luckily for me since I was so recently pregnant, I didn't have to do the crazy "let's draw 50 zillion vials of your blood" test. My doc had already done those tests so I didn't have to do them again! YESSSSS! I'm now 12 weeks pregnant, and at the end of my appointment my doc told me she's going to wait until next time to try to hear the heartbeat. I asked if we could please at least TRY. My husband chimed in and told me he thinks that the doc doesn't want me to be scared or disappointed if we couldn't find a heartbeat. I told him and the doc that I understand but I wanted to try anyway. So she did and it took about 5 seconds for a strong heartbeat to come through. At 155 beats a minute, everything sounded normal. It was super exciting and my husband's first time hearing such a thing. I thought his smile would surely crack through the windows and break them all open, it was so cute.
Now I'm beginning to feel happy and OK about being pregnant. My appetite is back, I don't feel super pukey all the time, and there's a heartbeat for now. One of my friends recently told me, "Everything's fine until it's not." That has become my mantra. There is nothing I can do one way or another to control if this baby sticks. I HOPE it does. I won't do drugs, or drink excessive alcohol, or smoke, or drive like a crazy person, etc. But other than that, it's not in my hands. I don't believe in God so I'm not going to say it's in God's hands either. It just IS. It's here, it's happening, it's my life.
On Tuesday we have an ultrasound to check for down syndrome - that will be another exciting step and I'm sure I'll update then.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Follow up to miscarriage.
The miscarriage from previous blog update- it stopped. Eventually. I bled for 3 weeks. It was awful. It was emotionally draining. It was fucked up, it was probably one of the most fucked up things I've ever had to deal with. Gah. Thank goodness for friends & family & the internet friends I have to help me get through that time of my life.
It took another month after I was done bleeding to finally feel not pregnant. It was crazy. It STILL affects me mentally because, of course, I notice OTHER pregnancies more. A bunch of my friends are pregnant. I'm jealous. I think, "Damn. I'd almost be __ pregnant. I'd know the gender by now." I also think, "I wonder what I'd look like, how much weight I'd gain. I hate being pregnant." Which is the truth- I am not a super happy glowy pregnant woman. I am a bitchy, sick, pukey, fat, whale pregnant woman. That part of me is glad to not be pregnant right now.
People tell me, "Well you can try again." And yes I KNOW we can try again, and we are actively trying again. (Having unprotected sex means there's a possibility to make babies everyone!! It's SCIENCE!) It hasn't been long (two months) and we're not yet pregnant. I know this is unrealistic but in keeping with my typical self, I feel like giving up. I'm old. (35 years old almost 36) I didn't really WANT to be an "old mom". But I won't give up, because DAMN I want another baby.
All I can do is hope it will work out better this time. In the meantime, I try to not be too jealous of my friends even though inside I'm screaming! I know myself, and jealousy has always been something I have a fairly difficult time dealing with. I'm learning. I'm getting better with time.
Please don't think that I don't love my two already existing kids any less. They've nothing to do with this. OBVIOUSLY I love them so fucking much. I'd take a bullet and a knife to the heart for my kids. (who wouldn't do the same for their own kids???!!!)
Just because I already have two kids doesn't mean I'm not allowed to want another one. I'm over people who try to make feel guilty about that shit. Especially in my situation- my kids don't live full time with me. (A choice I made long long ago in another lifetime.) So yeah, I'd love to have a kid live with me & my spouse and have it work it like I'd love it to. Maybe someday my own kids will live with me, who knows the future, but for now they don't, so fuck it. I'd love for my spouse to have a child of his own, and so would he. Why not?
My best friend has a baby. He is almost two months old. I love him so fiercely, like he is my own. She knows this and I hope it makes her happy and not weirded out. This is another thing that's so typical to me - of COURSE I would love that baby this much. His mom is my BEST FRIEND here. Duh. It's not creepy because I don't make it creepy. It makes me happy to have her in my life- and it makes me happy to be able to help her when she needs it, even just to have a short conversation about our rants over coffee- we both need them. I'm thankful. Plus she lets me hold her baby and that's obviously emotionally healing.
So there's an update. Done and done.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Miscarriage
Dec. 2013-- I found out I was pregnant with my third child! I'm SOOOO excited! I tell everyone I know. Before telling everyone I think, "If I have a miscarriage, I am going to have to tell everyone again. Oh well, I'll just deal with that later!"
Dec. 2013-- I feel sick all month long, which is apparently my body doing what it's supposed to do- I'm pregnant, so of course I feel sick, this is par for the course.
9 weeks pregnant---Jan. 2, 2014--Thursday----That night I begin spotting. Not too much blood, a tiny bit of blood clotting, but enough for me to worry. I don't have any pain, and the spotting stops within the hour. I don't examine the clots, because that's gross, but I did look at them for a bit, and some of them may have been baby sized. In fact, one clot is VERY baby sized, and I am 90% sure I can make out a tiny baby shape with nubs for body parts and all.... I can only think one thing: I lost the baby.
Jan. 3, 2014--- I call my doctor's office & explain the situation and my worries. The person on the other line tells me it's probably nothing to worry about because I didn't have any cramping and my spotting has stopped. My next pregnancy check up is on Jan 6th, wherein my husband & I are supposed to hear the heartbeat. The person at the doctor's office suggests I just wait until then to see what happens. Although I'm worried, and can't shake the feeling, I don't really have much else to do.
10 weeks pregnant---Jan 6th, 2014-- Monday--- I haven't slept much all weekend, 'cause I'm SUPER stressed out. What is going on with my body? Still no spotting & cramping, so somewhat hopeful. I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment to find out any news. 8:30 a.m. my phone rings. It's the nurse, she has to reschedule my appointment as my doctor is delivering other babies and unavailable. I begin BAWLING on the phone and explain my situation to the nurse. She is shocked that someone told me to wait this long to just "wait and see." She says she'll call me back.
----- 20 minutes later----- My doctor herself calls me. She sets me up with an ultrasound at the local hospital to hopefully see the heartbeat. I feel relief.
1:40 pm: Abdominal ultrasound -- They can only find the gestational sac, no heartbeat. I am not surprised or shocked by this news. It is really weird seeing the picture of my uterus with no baby inside- just an empty sac where a tiny baby should be.
Vaginal Ultrasound-- Same results. An empty sac, no heartbeat or signs of life.
2:10 pm: I leave the hospital feeling sad and unhopeful. I am cracking jokes to deal with the sadness I feel enveloping me.
5:30 pm: Speak to doctor again. She says I need to come in for another test. They will test my blood to see if I am indeed 10 weeks along. There is a small chance that I am only 5-6 weeks and maybe the baby just isn't visible yet. She apologizes for the emotional roller coaster I am on. I go along with this test, although I KNOW I am 10 weeks pregnant, my periods are like clockwork. I know it's already over, but what else can I do? I go along with the blood test.
That night I go with two of my best friends to dinner & ice cream. This helps my spirits lift a bit.
Jan. 7th, 2014--- Tuesday--- I go into the doctor's office to take a blood test. Then it's a waiting game.
I wait & wait & wait some more. A few hours later, the doc calls back. Indeed, my blood levels are at the level of a 10 week pregnancy. She apologizes again, and says her best guess is that the baby just stopped growing.
Of course on my own time I have researched miscarriages- what she says is true. Some chromosomes don't meld, and the baby quits growing and dies. There's no reason, no anything that makes it happen or not happen. There's nothing I could have done differently.
The doctor gives me three choices at this point.
Option1:
I can schedule a D&C :
(Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C) refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage).) --- from Wikipedia.org
She advises against this option, because it requires anesthesia, and it seems a bit "too much", like not necessary for how far along I am. (or was)
Option 2:
I can wait for my body to kick itself out of pregnancy mode & wait for my period to start naturally at which point I will pass all of the excess tissue out. This could happen at any time, and there's no telling when.
Option 3:
She can prescribe me some pills which are hormonal and force my period to start immediately.
I immediately opt for the third choice. I just want it to be done. My body still FEELS pregnant. It's been 5 days at this point since I haven't been pregnant, and I'm emotionally ready for it to be done. Just finished with it right now.
Doctor says I can think about it and call her back the next day, although I already know what I want to do.
January 8th, 2014, Wednesday
I decide 100% to take the pills. The doc calls in the prescription. My husband decides to take the next day off of work to help be there for me emotionally and physically if I need it.
This night I take the first round of pills. I have to take them vaginally, and they just dissolve. My period starts within an hour. No big deal. It's not like I haven't had a period approximately 6,917 times before. (yes, I calculated this number!). I think I can handle this.
January 9th, 2014, Thursday
The next night I take the second dose & last dose of pills. Period keeps going. I have light cramping, and a little blood, but it seems like no big deal.
January 10th, 2014, Friday through Jan 12th, 2014, Sunday
I am still bleeding lightly, but it's not seeming too bad. I feel like if ALL my periods can be this easy I would be happy. Not crampy too bad, just fine. Totally do-able. I should have knocked on wood because holy hell, the worse is upon me yet.
January 13th, 2014, Monday
I begin cramping that night. A lot. This feels like all of the cramping of labor but knowing that there will be no reward at the end. Now I'm emotional AND physically uncomfortable. Stupid thoughts enter my mind: What if that was the only egg that will EVER be viable forever? What if I can't get pregnant after this? What if I have another miscarriage, will I be able to deal with this? God damn, this hurts like hell. Some friends come out & tell me they've gone through it too. Good to know I'm not alone.
This night I go out & have my first glass of wine & a cider with some friends in Seattle. This helps. I missed alcohol, and I really need something to blur the edges of my life right now. The perfect solution. Thank goodness for friends.
Jan. 14th, 2014, Tuesday.
I wake up at 5:00 am and am bleeding through my pad into my underwear. Gross. I know it's not that much blood logically, but it sure looks and feels like so much blood. It feels like someone is wringing out my stomach like a washrag. I bleed through 4 pads in one hour. WTF! I feel like puking. Luckily I have a prescription for some anti-nausea meds which I immediately take & they help. I am awake until 7:30 am just feeling myself bleed, it's disgusting to say the least. Finally I fall back asleep. I sleep until noon.
I call my sister because it's her birthday. It's great to talk to her. She gives me really good advice and a good listening ear about miscarriages. She's gone through this before. Approximately 1/3 of women who get pregnant have a miscarriage. But NO ONE talks about it. Why? This is a LOT of people. WTF guys???!!! Anyway. It's great talking to her. I love her.
Jan. 15th, 2014, Wednesday
Oh my god. The globs that are leaving my body are unbelievable. What kind of stuff is up there anyway?? Gross. So much blood. So many goopy clots, and they are BIG. Every single one that passes through me I think, "Was that the baby? Was that the empty sac? Was THAT one the baby?" I am an emotional wreck and holy hell my body is in SO MUCH pain right now. I text some friends of mine, and send them pictures because I don't think I can believe the stuff that is leaving my body. It's emotionally overwhelming & I can't carry the weight alone anymore. Gross. Yay friends.
MORE friends come out of the woodwork and tell me they too have had miscarriages or know someone who has. This helps knowing I'm not alone in this wreck of a time. Thank goodness for friends AGAIN.
I call in sick to work. I feel guilty. They understand, and I'm lucky to have this job right now, however temporary it is.
I am in so much pain. My husband convinces me to take one of the pain pills, after all , it's their job to help me. I'm stubborn, because I don't usually like the way pain pills make me feel. But I give in and take one, and the pain stops, of course. I feel as fine as possible, I was just being ridiculous.
Jan. 16th, 2014, Thursday
Still bleeding a lot, so many cramps. This hurts so badly. I call in sick today again. My husband ends up working from home again. In the middle of the day we hear a knock on the door. It's a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a card that says, "With deepest sympathy" to Erika & Lee. It's from our work place. It makes me cry, and even makes Lee's eyes tear up.
Jan. 17th, 2014, Friday
The heavy bleeding has stopped, but the cramps, the HORRIBLE cramps are there. All I can do is sleep and that's when the pain goes away. When I wake up the cramps are back, and I don't know what to do. I take pain pills, and they help. Thank goodness for those prescriptions as well.
I email in again to work and they are more than understanding.
At this point, I just hope that I'm on the upside of the nonsense. The huge globs have gone away, but every time I use the bathroom more tissue comes out. I am still mind blown at how long I can bleed and how awful my body feels. I want this to be over. I'm so done, I feel like an emotional & physical mess.
I am thankful for my friends. ALL of them. Far & near, close & not close, I couldn't have gotten through this without their support. I am thankful for my understanding workplace. I am thankful for my husband & my family.
I'll update more once some more time goes by.
Here's my story. Thanks for reading.
Dec. 2013-- I feel sick all month long, which is apparently my body doing what it's supposed to do- I'm pregnant, so of course I feel sick, this is par for the course.
9 weeks pregnant---Jan. 2, 2014--Thursday----That night I begin spotting. Not too much blood, a tiny bit of blood clotting, but enough for me to worry. I don't have any pain, and the spotting stops within the hour. I don't examine the clots, because that's gross, but I did look at them for a bit, and some of them may have been baby sized. In fact, one clot is VERY baby sized, and I am 90% sure I can make out a tiny baby shape with nubs for body parts and all.... I can only think one thing: I lost the baby.
Jan. 3, 2014--- I call my doctor's office & explain the situation and my worries. The person on the other line tells me it's probably nothing to worry about because I didn't have any cramping and my spotting has stopped. My next pregnancy check up is on Jan 6th, wherein my husband & I are supposed to hear the heartbeat. The person at the doctor's office suggests I just wait until then to see what happens. Although I'm worried, and can't shake the feeling, I don't really have much else to do.
10 weeks pregnant---Jan 6th, 2014-- Monday--- I haven't slept much all weekend, 'cause I'm SUPER stressed out. What is going on with my body? Still no spotting & cramping, so somewhat hopeful. I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment to find out any news. 8:30 a.m. my phone rings. It's the nurse, she has to reschedule my appointment as my doctor is delivering other babies and unavailable. I begin BAWLING on the phone and explain my situation to the nurse. She is shocked that someone told me to wait this long to just "wait and see." She says she'll call me back.
----- 20 minutes later----- My doctor herself calls me. She sets me up with an ultrasound at the local hospital to hopefully see the heartbeat. I feel relief.
1:40 pm: Abdominal ultrasound -- They can only find the gestational sac, no heartbeat. I am not surprised or shocked by this news. It is really weird seeing the picture of my uterus with no baby inside- just an empty sac where a tiny baby should be.
Vaginal Ultrasound-- Same results. An empty sac, no heartbeat or signs of life.
2:10 pm: I leave the hospital feeling sad and unhopeful. I am cracking jokes to deal with the sadness I feel enveloping me.
5:30 pm: Speak to doctor again. She says I need to come in for another test. They will test my blood to see if I am indeed 10 weeks along. There is a small chance that I am only 5-6 weeks and maybe the baby just isn't visible yet. She apologizes for the emotional roller coaster I am on. I go along with this test, although I KNOW I am 10 weeks pregnant, my periods are like clockwork. I know it's already over, but what else can I do? I go along with the blood test.
That night I go with two of my best friends to dinner & ice cream. This helps my spirits lift a bit.
Jan. 7th, 2014--- Tuesday--- I go into the doctor's office to take a blood test. Then it's a waiting game.
I wait & wait & wait some more. A few hours later, the doc calls back. Indeed, my blood levels are at the level of a 10 week pregnancy. She apologizes again, and says her best guess is that the baby just stopped growing.
Of course on my own time I have researched miscarriages- what she says is true. Some chromosomes don't meld, and the baby quits growing and dies. There's no reason, no anything that makes it happen or not happen. There's nothing I could have done differently.
The doctor gives me three choices at this point.
Option1:
I can schedule a D&C :
(Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C) refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage).) --- from Wikipedia.org
She advises against this option, because it requires anesthesia, and it seems a bit "too much", like not necessary for how far along I am. (or was)
Option 2:
I can wait for my body to kick itself out of pregnancy mode & wait for my period to start naturally at which point I will pass all of the excess tissue out. This could happen at any time, and there's no telling when.
Option 3:
She can prescribe me some pills which are hormonal and force my period to start immediately.
I immediately opt for the third choice. I just want it to be done. My body still FEELS pregnant. It's been 5 days at this point since I haven't been pregnant, and I'm emotionally ready for it to be done. Just finished with it right now.
Doctor says I can think about it and call her back the next day, although I already know what I want to do.
January 8th, 2014, Wednesday
I decide 100% to take the pills. The doc calls in the prescription. My husband decides to take the next day off of work to help be there for me emotionally and physically if I need it.
This night I take the first round of pills. I have to take them vaginally, and they just dissolve. My period starts within an hour. No big deal. It's not like I haven't had a period approximately 6,917 times before. (yes, I calculated this number!). I think I can handle this.
January 9th, 2014, Thursday
The next night I take the second dose & last dose of pills. Period keeps going. I have light cramping, and a little blood, but it seems like no big deal.
January 10th, 2014, Friday through Jan 12th, 2014, Sunday
I am still bleeding lightly, but it's not seeming too bad. I feel like if ALL my periods can be this easy I would be happy. Not crampy too bad, just fine. Totally do-able. I should have knocked on wood because holy hell, the worse is upon me yet.
January 13th, 2014, Monday
I begin cramping that night. A lot. This feels like all of the cramping of labor but knowing that there will be no reward at the end. Now I'm emotional AND physically uncomfortable. Stupid thoughts enter my mind: What if that was the only egg that will EVER be viable forever? What if I can't get pregnant after this? What if I have another miscarriage, will I be able to deal with this? God damn, this hurts like hell. Some friends come out & tell me they've gone through it too. Good to know I'm not alone.
This night I go out & have my first glass of wine & a cider with some friends in Seattle. This helps. I missed alcohol, and I really need something to blur the edges of my life right now. The perfect solution. Thank goodness for friends.
Jan. 14th, 2014, Tuesday.
I wake up at 5:00 am and am bleeding through my pad into my underwear. Gross. I know it's not that much blood logically, but it sure looks and feels like so much blood. It feels like someone is wringing out my stomach like a washrag. I bleed through 4 pads in one hour. WTF! I feel like puking. Luckily I have a prescription for some anti-nausea meds which I immediately take & they help. I am awake until 7:30 am just feeling myself bleed, it's disgusting to say the least. Finally I fall back asleep. I sleep until noon.
I call my sister because it's her birthday. It's great to talk to her. She gives me really good advice and a good listening ear about miscarriages. She's gone through this before. Approximately 1/3 of women who get pregnant have a miscarriage. But NO ONE talks about it. Why? This is a LOT of people. WTF guys???!!! Anyway. It's great talking to her. I love her.
Jan. 15th, 2014, Wednesday
Oh my god. The globs that are leaving my body are unbelievable. What kind of stuff is up there anyway?? Gross. So much blood. So many goopy clots, and they are BIG. Every single one that passes through me I think, "Was that the baby? Was that the empty sac? Was THAT one the baby?" I am an emotional wreck and holy hell my body is in SO MUCH pain right now. I text some friends of mine, and send them pictures because I don't think I can believe the stuff that is leaving my body. It's emotionally overwhelming & I can't carry the weight alone anymore. Gross. Yay friends.
MORE friends come out of the woodwork and tell me they too have had miscarriages or know someone who has. This helps knowing I'm not alone in this wreck of a time. Thank goodness for friends AGAIN.
I call in sick to work. I feel guilty. They understand, and I'm lucky to have this job right now, however temporary it is.
I am in so much pain. My husband convinces me to take one of the pain pills, after all , it's their job to help me. I'm stubborn, because I don't usually like the way pain pills make me feel. But I give in and take one, and the pain stops, of course. I feel as fine as possible, I was just being ridiculous.
Jan. 16th, 2014, Thursday
Still bleeding a lot, so many cramps. This hurts so badly. I call in sick today again. My husband ends up working from home again. In the middle of the day we hear a knock on the door. It's a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a card that says, "With deepest sympathy" to Erika & Lee. It's from our work place. It makes me cry, and even makes Lee's eyes tear up.
Jan. 17th, 2014, Friday
The heavy bleeding has stopped, but the cramps, the HORRIBLE cramps are there. All I can do is sleep and that's when the pain goes away. When I wake up the cramps are back, and I don't know what to do. I take pain pills, and they help. Thank goodness for those prescriptions as well.
I email in again to work and they are more than understanding.
At this point, I just hope that I'm on the upside of the nonsense. The huge globs have gone away, but every time I use the bathroom more tissue comes out. I am still mind blown at how long I can bleed and how awful my body feels. I want this to be over. I'm so done, I feel like an emotional & physical mess.
I am thankful for my friends. ALL of them. Far & near, close & not close, I couldn't have gotten through this without their support. I am thankful for my understanding workplace. I am thankful for my husband & my family.
I'll update more once some more time goes by.
Here's my story. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Dreams
Last night I had weird dreams. I have often been a lucid dreamer.(To learn about that click here.....LUCID DREAMS) My whole life I have been a vivid dreamer, a lucid dreamer, a haver of nightmares (especially during day naps, which defeats the whole purpose of the name NIGHTMARES). I was in the habit a few years ago of writing down my dreams, especially after my dad died in 2008. I got out of the habit because I got lazy. I have always been INTERESTED in dreams, and why the brain works the way it does. This interest only got enhanced over time with the use of hallucinogens and other drugs. Why does the brain do what it does? I STILL don't know, and I'm not interested enough into reading "scientific" articles about it, so I just go with how I feel, and I find it cool that people dream, that I am a lucid dreamer. I don't try to figure out what my dreams mean, I have found I can never tell, and I have also found that I don't really CARE what they are trying to tell me unless it is specific. So.... yes.... last night I had weird dreams. I wrote the dreams down as soon as I woke up. Here they are, and this is order I wrote them down, although not the specific order I dreamed them in. As I was writing, I kept remembering more of the dream, so it is disjointed, as I believe it should remain.
My brother Brian, sister Melody, and my dad and I were all in a truck where we could sit in the front seat. We were driving through a snowy area, and dad kept sliding off of the road. Dad was driving. When we told him to watch where he was going he said, "I am watching," in his gruff tone.
My mom, me, Lee, Brian, and Melody had to walk up a spiral staircase outdoors- it was kindof similar to that of a parking garage but a staircase. It was about 10 stories tall but seemed to never end from the bottom floor.
On one platform of the staircase was a murdered woman, just lying there (or is it laying there?!) on the cement, fully clothed, laying on her back in one of those weird "chalk outline" positions. She was half melted into the ground and people just walking by her like it was no big deal. (Myself included) At one point, my brother & I decided to go check to just make sure she was dead, and there was a sign by her that said, "One moving finger means she's alive." We didn't see any moving fingers.
I really wanted to hear the songs "chickens" by Junip while we were walking up the stairs. I didn't know how to find it, so I got out my laptop, emailed Robbie (my friend) and he immediately emailed me back the link to the song so we could all listen to it on the way up. Robbie at this moment was apparently on the first floor of the stairs, just beginning the walk up.
After dad was done driving in the snow, I decided to drive instead and kept crashing over every guard rail but we all survived the crashes. All the guard rails were pink and glittery.
I was at a place very similar to a dormitory, where I was making out with a long lost childhood friend. We were adults in the dream. There was another man and woman, who were also having sex in the same room as us. Then it turned into a foursome, but the guy I was making out with got mad, and said, "Erika?" but I didn't care because it was fun being the foursome. The scenery quickly turned into a Burning Man background instead of a dorm.
Women were stealing the glasses off of my face while we were walking up the stairs. I was mad at them, and I stole them back. One woman said to me, "These are mine." I said to her, "bullshit! Those are MY pink glasses with green on them. I can't see with out them bitch." She said, "I hope your mom is proud of you for being so rude." Then mom popped into the dream here and said, "God damn right I am proud of her for sticking up for herself." I got my glasses back and we carried on our way.
My brothers, at this point Doug was in the dream, and I had to pass the broken car parts up the stairs, but we passed them from floor to floor by tossing them straight up the stair case, even though the stair case was round it worked. We also had to pass our dinner, which was salad in a cooking pan up the stairs. That worked too.
The black cat which was mine, but named Pixel, kept getting out because mother fuckers wouldn't shut the door. Lee ran after it at least 4 times and got it back inside. We had to carry it up the stairs with us.
I was making with someone (I will call him M) but I wanted to have sex with my fiance so we tried that instead. (M understood) My fiance came into his hand while getting his clothes off instead. This made me really disappointed, and HIM disappointed, so we decided it was OK for me to have sex with the other guy I know who was there. (M)
At the top of the stairs Brian, Melody, mom, and my two kids were there and we still had a long way to trek before reaching the top.
THE END.
This is my dream.... and although it didn't happen specifically in that order, I wrote it down this way when I woke up. I usually do NOT have this much detail in dreams, so I guess that's why I wrote it down. Weird.
My brother Brian, sister Melody, and my dad and I were all in a truck where we could sit in the front seat. We were driving through a snowy area, and dad kept sliding off of the road. Dad was driving. When we told him to watch where he was going he said, "I am watching," in his gruff tone.
My mom, me, Lee, Brian, and Melody had to walk up a spiral staircase outdoors- it was kindof similar to that of a parking garage but a staircase. It was about 10 stories tall but seemed to never end from the bottom floor.
On one platform of the staircase was a murdered woman, just lying there (or is it laying there?!) on the cement, fully clothed, laying on her back in one of those weird "chalk outline" positions. She was half melted into the ground and people just walking by her like it was no big deal. (Myself included) At one point, my brother & I decided to go check to just make sure she was dead, and there was a sign by her that said, "One moving finger means she's alive." We didn't see any moving fingers.
I really wanted to hear the songs "chickens" by Junip while we were walking up the stairs. I didn't know how to find it, so I got out my laptop, emailed Robbie (my friend) and he immediately emailed me back the link to the song so we could all listen to it on the way up. Robbie at this moment was apparently on the first floor of the stairs, just beginning the walk up.
After dad was done driving in the snow, I decided to drive instead and kept crashing over every guard rail but we all survived the crashes. All the guard rails were pink and glittery.
I was at a place very similar to a dormitory, where I was making out with a long lost childhood friend. We were adults in the dream. There was another man and woman, who were also having sex in the same room as us. Then it turned into a foursome, but the guy I was making out with got mad, and said, "Erika?" but I didn't care because it was fun being the foursome. The scenery quickly turned into a Burning Man background instead of a dorm.
Women were stealing the glasses off of my face while we were walking up the stairs. I was mad at them, and I stole them back. One woman said to me, "These are mine." I said to her, "bullshit! Those are MY pink glasses with green on them. I can't see with out them bitch." She said, "I hope your mom is proud of you for being so rude." Then mom popped into the dream here and said, "God damn right I am proud of her for sticking up for herself." I got my glasses back and we carried on our way.
My brothers, at this point Doug was in the dream, and I had to pass the broken car parts up the stairs, but we passed them from floor to floor by tossing them straight up the stair case, even though the stair case was round it worked. We also had to pass our dinner, which was salad in a cooking pan up the stairs. That worked too.
The black cat which was mine, but named Pixel, kept getting out because mother fuckers wouldn't shut the door. Lee ran after it at least 4 times and got it back inside. We had to carry it up the stairs with us.
I was making with someone (I will call him M) but I wanted to have sex with my fiance so we tried that instead. (M understood) My fiance came into his hand while getting his clothes off instead. This made me really disappointed, and HIM disappointed, so we decided it was OK for me to have sex with the other guy I know who was there. (M)
At the top of the stairs Brian, Melody, mom, and my two kids were there and we still had a long way to trek before reaching the top.
THE END.
This is my dream.... and although it didn't happen specifically in that order, I wrote it down this way when I woke up. I usually do NOT have this much detail in dreams, so I guess that's why I wrote it down. Weird.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Christmas Thoughts
On my phone I get this free app called "Inspire Me" I read it daily. Sometimes it is cool, sometimes it is not cool. I found this one from last December that I emailed to myself, and it makes sense for this time of year...............
Today's Quotation:
At Christmastime, children play an essential part in our celebrations. So much of what we do is intended to please them--and all the while our hearts keep hearkening back to the Christmas memories of our own childhoods. On Christmas Eve, sometimes we can't help but envy our children the stars in their eyes, especially when our own eyes are dull with exhaustion. Christmas is so much simpler for a child. Can we open our tired, adult eyes to that same simplicity? Ellen Sanna
Today's Meditation:
Almost everyone that I know complicates Christmas a great deal. They buy too many gifts, or worse, they feel obligated to buy too many gifts because of what they perceive as other people's expectations and potential disappointment. They dread the family get-togethers and don't want to go to them, but they rarely say no. They spend more money than they have and then suffer for that for months afterwards. It's quite sad that we don't allow ourselves simply to sit back and enjoy the Christmas season. A lot of the stress that we feel during the season is based on expectations, especially those of the children that we don't want to disappoint. Many kids have developed grandiose expectations of gifts to be gotten, and they know how to put the pressure on their parents if they feel that there's the slightest possibility of getting what they want. But trying to meet other people's expectations is rarely a recipe for happiness. Christmas should be a great opportunity for us to show people who we are in our generosity, not a chance to show them that they can manipulate us with their expectations. Simplifying Christmas is very important if we ever want to feel the true joy of the holiday. Christmas is about peace and the joy we can share with others, and there are plenty of ways that we can share those things without getting caught up in the decorating contests and the buying frenzies and the manipulations. In our family, we realized early on that Christmas should be simple, and the simpler we keep it, the more we're able to give during the rest of the year, also. Remember, pleasing children isn't a question of giving in to all their whims and wants. Pleasing them also has to do with teaching them the true importance of holidays such as Christmas, about the reverence and the peace and the joy we're meant to share. They can help us to realize this joy if we can just learn about the wonder and the magic from them, and combine that knowledge with our own knowledge of the significance of the more important aspects of the holiday season.
Questions to consider:
Do you find Christmas to be a stressful time or a peaceful, reverent time? Why? What kinds of things can we learn from children during the holidays? Why does simpler tend to be better in almost everything?
For further thought:
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. Calvin Coolidge
At Christmastime, children play an essential part in our celebrations. So much of what we do is intended to please them--and all the while our hearts keep hearkening back to the Christmas memories of our own childhoods. On Christmas Eve, sometimes we can't help but envy our children the stars in their eyes, especially when our own eyes are dull with exhaustion. Christmas is so much simpler for a child. Can we open our tired, adult eyes to that same simplicity? Ellen Sanna
Today's Meditation:
Almost everyone that I know complicates Christmas a great deal. They buy too many gifts, or worse, they feel obligated to buy too many gifts because of what they perceive as other people's expectations and potential disappointment. They dread the family get-togethers and don't want to go to them, but they rarely say no. They spend more money than they have and then suffer for that for months afterwards. It's quite sad that we don't allow ourselves simply to sit back and enjoy the Christmas season. A lot of the stress that we feel during the season is based on expectations, especially those of the children that we don't want to disappoint. Many kids have developed grandiose expectations of gifts to be gotten, and they know how to put the pressure on their parents if they feel that there's the slightest possibility of getting what they want. But trying to meet other people's expectations is rarely a recipe for happiness. Christmas should be a great opportunity for us to show people who we are in our generosity, not a chance to show them that they can manipulate us with their expectations. Simplifying Christmas is very important if we ever want to feel the true joy of the holiday. Christmas is about peace and the joy we can share with others, and there are plenty of ways that we can share those things without getting caught up in the decorating contests and the buying frenzies and the manipulations. In our family, we realized early on that Christmas should be simple, and the simpler we keep it, the more we're able to give during the rest of the year, also. Remember, pleasing children isn't a question of giving in to all their whims and wants. Pleasing them also has to do with teaching them the true importance of holidays such as Christmas, about the reverence and the peace and the joy we're meant to share. They can help us to realize this joy if we can just learn about the wonder and the magic from them, and combine that knowledge with our own knowledge of the significance of the more important aspects of the holiday season.
Questions to consider:
Do you find Christmas to be a stressful time or a peaceful, reverent time? Why? What kinds of things can we learn from children during the holidays? Why does simpler tend to be better in almost everything?
For further thought:
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. Calvin Coolidge
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Vices
I'm in a complaining mood so this is going to be a complaining post.
I miss my drinking days.
I don't miss getting drunk, but I miss going to the bar. I've been going with friends lately, like once a week, out to a nearby cider/beer bar, and that has truly been helping. It may seem like something weird to miss, but whatever, I like it. I like socializing outside of my house sometimes.
I hate HATE HATE looking for a job. Oh my god, it is the most awful bullshit ever. I have applied for a few and gotten denied for 2 since I got laid off in late March. One job I got denied b/cause I don't want to show up for work at 6 a.m. Don't tell me I'm being picky, I don't give a shit if I am... 6 a.m. is not a happy time for miss Erika. Period. The other one I was apparently overqualified for (cafeteria worker in hospital)... WTF! It's tough out there, boys & girls. Tough.
I am feeling super freaking fat lately. I don't weigh any more than normal, but my pants don't fit and I'm angry about this fact. They just fit fine last week. WTF is going on? This angers me. It angers me to the point that I am determined to lose this god damn fat stomach. I look pregnant, and I am NOT pregnant (unfortunately for me)..... I look sick to myself and I am not happy about it, so I must start exercising now. Luckily, my b.f. and I made a pact to walk every weekend somewhere together. Also, I think I have myself reached the point of unhappiness with my body that I am determined to start walking every day. I might not lose this weight quickly, but I am going to lose it, and that's all that matters. My b.f. suggested I put away the scale for one month starting the day I start exercising daily, and then see how much I lose in one month. I don't know if I can do it... I'm worried about GAINING weight, so that's why I weigh myself just to make sure I'm staying the same-ish.
I really want to have another kid. Like yesterday. There is no point in bringing this up to my b.friend because we've had endless talks about it. (YES I realize I would get fatter if I was pregnant- NOT THE POINT!!!!) He wants a kid, yes, but "not until we're ready"... There is no use trying to explain there will NEVER be a time when we are "ready". I'm frustrated and it sucks and I try to not to talk about it or bring it up, but it has really been bothering me lately. Ugh. I don't even know what to do anymore, I'm just upset.
The only non complaining thing I have to say in this post is that I'm really happy my 2 kids are moving only 3 hours away from me rather than the 8 hours away they live now. STOKED!
I miss my drinking days.
I don't miss getting drunk, but I miss going to the bar. I've been going with friends lately, like once a week, out to a nearby cider/beer bar, and that has truly been helping. It may seem like something weird to miss, but whatever, I like it. I like socializing outside of my house sometimes.
I hate HATE HATE looking for a job. Oh my god, it is the most awful bullshit ever. I have applied for a few and gotten denied for 2 since I got laid off in late March. One job I got denied b/cause I don't want to show up for work at 6 a.m. Don't tell me I'm being picky, I don't give a shit if I am... 6 a.m. is not a happy time for miss Erika. Period. The other one I was apparently overqualified for (cafeteria worker in hospital)... WTF! It's tough out there, boys & girls. Tough.
I am feeling super freaking fat lately. I don't weigh any more than normal, but my pants don't fit and I'm angry about this fact. They just fit fine last week. WTF is going on? This angers me. It angers me to the point that I am determined to lose this god damn fat stomach. I look pregnant, and I am NOT pregnant (unfortunately for me)..... I look sick to myself and I am not happy about it, so I must start exercising now. Luckily, my b.f. and I made a pact to walk every weekend somewhere together. Also, I think I have myself reached the point of unhappiness with my body that I am determined to start walking every day. I might not lose this weight quickly, but I am going to lose it, and that's all that matters. My b.f. suggested I put away the scale for one month starting the day I start exercising daily, and then see how much I lose in one month. I don't know if I can do it... I'm worried about GAINING weight, so that's why I weigh myself just to make sure I'm staying the same-ish.
I really want to have another kid. Like yesterday. There is no point in bringing this up to my b.friend because we've had endless talks about it. (YES I realize I would get fatter if I was pregnant- NOT THE POINT!!!!) He wants a kid, yes, but "not until we're ready"... There is no use trying to explain there will NEVER be a time when we are "ready". I'm frustrated and it sucks and I try to not to talk about it or bring it up, but it has really been bothering me lately. Ugh. I don't even know what to do anymore, I'm just upset.
The only non complaining thing I have to say in this post is that I'm really happy my 2 kids are moving only 3 hours away from me rather than the 8 hours away they live now. STOKED!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Slacking Off on Blog Posts Again
To those who read/follow.... yeah I haven't posted anything in over half of a year. My mistake. I guess I have nothing new to report usually so it's all good.
Let's see, I got a job over the "Holidays" which lasted until March, doing customer servicey things and that was really great. I made some money and more importantly met some really cool people there. Now I am unemployed (again- story of my WA life it seems) and super bored and super broke. It sucks being unemployed. It sucks looking for jobs. It all around SUCKS. Every part of it sucks... UNLESS I had a baby or my kids lived here for me to take care of, otherwise it's pretty much lame and does NO GOOD for self esteem, for hanging out, or for anything else really.
My b.f. and I are doing good. Still fighting once in a while, but mostly getting along the majority of the time. I've made some hella good friends, and I've been trying to be more proactive in my friendships with wanting to get out of the house and stuff.
No news is good news for now.
Let's see, I got a job over the "Holidays" which lasted until March, doing customer servicey things and that was really great. I made some money and more importantly met some really cool people there. Now I am unemployed (again- story of my WA life it seems) and super bored and super broke. It sucks being unemployed. It sucks looking for jobs. It all around SUCKS. Every part of it sucks... UNLESS I had a baby or my kids lived here for me to take care of, otherwise it's pretty much lame and does NO GOOD for self esteem, for hanging out, or for anything else really.
My b.f. and I are doing good. Still fighting once in a while, but mostly getting along the majority of the time. I've made some hella good friends, and I've been trying to be more proactive in my friendships with wanting to get out of the house and stuff.
No news is good news for now.
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