Parenting a 4 year old is hard

I've been trying to get on a path to get my headmeds straightened out because I'm feeling meh and angry all the time, SOOOOOOOOO........ then this happens because it's the way it goes, right? .......... this night is when my 4 year old decides to throw a huge fucking tantrum for like 30 minutes straight, and still going, because she said her leg was itchy, and I offered to scratch it, she said no, then I offered to put lotion on it, she said no. So, I ignored it. Thinking like, "whatever, it will go away." Then every 5 seconds she just freaked out going, "IT ITCHES!!!" I'm like, "What can I do to help you?" She's like" something ELSE!!!" then just begins whining incessantly without using her words (which we've been working on this reverting into baby bullshit) and I told her I could itch it or put lotion on it or something else but she just needs to tell me what she wants. She continued to whine. So, then I told her she gets to go to a time out if she cannot use her words to tell me what she needs rather than making whining noises. She did not. For 5 minutes. So she's in time out fucking screaming her face off. Sometimes I really hate parenting, it's the ugly truth. UGH. I'm so fucking over not knowing what to do. I'm over feeling jealous of other kids who just normally speak to their parents and don't act out. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, but what are the OTHER parents doing that I'm not???? Fuck.

Super Duper Fat

Hi friends. I've been hesitant to even talk about this publicly but here goes.

First, if you feel I'm fat shaming you or anyone, I apologize in advance. That is definitely not my aim. This post is selfishly ALL ABOUT ME and the way I feel about MY OWN BODY with MY OWN  MIND.

If you're going to be offended by the use of the word "fat" in the sense that I'm uncomfortable being so, please quit reading, or if you don't quit reading, then don't comment mean things to me. I don't wanna hear it. I'm trying to be good to myself, and that is hard enough as it is.
Second, I don't need to hear shit like, "oh, but you look GREAT!" Be that as it may, I personally don't feel I look good, or great, or anything in that variety. So, while it's definitely nice to hear, I get it, you want to build up a friend, but I just need to vent right here. So don't be offended if I'm not like, "Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH! You're right, I AM NOT FAT AFTER ALL."

So, here goes (for real this time).

For the first time recently, I am trying to lose weight.  By weight, I mean, my belly fat. I, like most other people, want to lose the weight NOW. I've never ever been an "Exercise is so fun, and I LOVE working out." In fact, I'm the opposite. I'm lazy as fuck and I like it that way. I am not going to go a gym, and I'm not going to start doing sit ups and push ups and shit like that. I'm just not. What I WILL do is go swimming if I can, and walk more, and be less sedentary in general. That's a HUGE step for me, OK? HUGE. Good for you if you walk 10K steps in a day, I'm lucky if I get 500. Seriously. My "goal" lately has been 3,000. This is a big deal for me, and it's about 3 miles for me. (I'm super short, so yes it is.)  (That's 6 TIMES what I used to walk daily, people. So, chew on that.)

I have been walking every day (almost) since January. I have not lost ONE FUCKING POUND. I'm upset. It's maddening. Really? All this walking for nothing? It's bullshit. It makes me mad that I can't even lose ONE POUND. I don't have an over eating problem. I never have. In fact, if anything, I starve myself all day and eat one meal at night. It is stupid, and not healthy, blah blah that's not the point, I'm working on it, OK?
I've also been really trying to watch what I eat lately, and I'm HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. GOD DAMNIT. It makes me hangry and annoyed. There's no point in it. (As of yet anyway.)

I wish I could just mentally be OK with being fat. Like, "Oh, it doesn't offend me that people mistake me for being pregnant often." Yes it does offend me. Or, "Oh, I'm FINE with not looking cute in clothes because my fucking fat stomach takes all the shirt room." I'm NOT FINE with it. I can't even wear clothes in anything but a size XL even though a Large fits, because then I look EXTRA PREGNANT. UGH. It's fucking dumb.

Oh, you might say, "Well you have a loving partner, and he doesn't care how you look." While yes, that IS true, again, it's not about how HE feels about me, it's about how I FEEL ABOUT ME. And it's not good. I basically hate the way I look right now. No, I DO hate the way I look right now, not basically at all. I hate it. I hate being fat. I'm not OK with it in the least bit.

I don't know why, and I don't care. I don't care if it's "society pressure" or whatever the fuck that tells me I need to be skinnier. I just WANT to be skinnier so I can feel better mentally about my body.

For those of you who didn't know me as a child, I was VERY SKINNY, too skinny in fact. All until I had kids, which for most of us, kills the body. It did to me anyway. And then I never got my body back. So that blows. But, I never really tried. And now that I AM trying, I'm not seeing results, even 6 months later.

The point of this blog is that, I'm pissed off about being fat. I wish I were skinnier. I hope one day to have better self esteem but I know that won't happen until I lose weight.
I hope that anyone reading this, and can relate, I just hope you know you're not alone. I'm with you. And it isn't fun. But it's real. It's me. It's real.

Feelings and Stuff

Last night one of the biggest shootings in America happened, as some psycho shot up a gay club in Florida.  Why are people so hateful? It saddens me.

I really wish people would be more open minded. Just because someone is fucking someone else in a way not like you is no excuse for anything. It is ridiculous. As the saying goes, LOVE IS LOVE. And it is. So shut the fuck up and get over yourself.

I love my spouse, I love my children, I love my cat, I love my friends. I have LGBQT friends and I love them the same way I love anyone else. Weird, right? Who knew it could just be EASY to accept people for being themselves.

Growing up I felt pretty rejected, like, a lot. Being Mormon was bullshit. I hated it. I felt stuck in a world I never fit into and forced to believe in some pretty weird shit. While of course it had it good points, and fun things, and sure I made friends there, some of which I am still friends with, it wasn't for me. It STILL isn't for me, and besides the weird crap they believe in, the #1 reason why I am not in their religion anymore is because they don't accept people who are out of their norm- people like me.  They may claim to, but sorry family and Mormons, you don't. You would never let a gay person into your church and all you'd do is "pray for them to overcome their sinful homosexuality" or some bullshit like that.

It is awful that people feel rejected. I hate that I have made others feel that way myself and I try hard not to these days. I'm sorry for all of the rejected people, and probably that psycho with a gun felt rejected in a way too, but still not OK to just kill people. It is terrible & saddening & angering.

Anyway, that's off topic. (Another off topic thing- the dumb ass racist fuck running for President of my country. Fuck that guy so hard! UgH IDIOT)......

 I'm just sad. Sad that guns are so readily available to psycho people. Sad that people hate people enough to shoot them or rape them or kill them or whatever. What kind of bullshit world am I living in right now???

I'm sad my kids have to be raised among this shit. Sorry, kids, I didn't know it would get this bad when you grew up, but it did.

All in all, I have a great life, I'm lucky, but right now my heart is breaking for the world.

I'm pretty sick of this nonsense and I just needed to vent.

Where does time go?

Almost 6 months ago I had this crazy thing happen to me..... I had another baby.

My oldest baby is 15 now and my next oldest is 13. My youngest baby is nearly 6 months old. I didn't really picture that happening in my life and I'm so thankful that it has.

I can't believe my son & daughter used to be babies and I used to breastfeed them and rock them and read them book after book and kiss their open mouths full of drool & spit up & they would kiss me back. . . I do all of these things with my new baby too.

It's weird. Time goes by so fast and then you turn around and everything is different. It's heart breaking & glorious all at once. 

I love the people my children are turning into and I am excited to see what my new one will turn into- a dragon maybe?!? (Haha!)

My life is grand and I don't say enough how thankful I am for it.

I am thankful. I am supported. Everywhere I have support and I am so thankful for my husband who supports me financially so that I may stay home with our baby and raise her like I wanted to for my entire life.  I am lucky and I don't ever EVER want to take that for granted.

Love is right now all around me. I am glad. It will stay.

Mom problems!

Mom problems continued: Baby just wants to suckle ALL the time!!! She has been having a very hard time lately at night falling asleep on her own with no pacifier. I am not against her having one but I AM against myself holding it in her mouth for an hour and a half straight while I am awake and exhausted the whole time of doing this. Each time it falls out, even if she is asleep, she cries loudly! I finally went into my own room because I need sleep too but of course left to her own devices she just suckles her hands and thumbs but they are not good enough so she just cries more loudly! Man, I feel lucky my other two kids never had this problem but I am pretty tired. Fingers crossed she just falls asleep on her own as I don't know any other options wherein either of us gets any sleep. Also this is NOT a nap time daytime problem, only a night thing. Sigh. I do love babies and she sure is cute!!!!

Baby H meets the world!

After much heartbreak & lots of crying & annoyance at the last year after my miscarriage, I got pregnant again pretty quickly, and very luckily.

On Dec 19, 2014, baby H joined my world and my life.
She is the third child of mine, my other two kids being ages 14 & 12 right now.

It is amazing to add her to my family, to be a sibling for others and a daughter for my sweet husband, his first child.

I am so happy to have her in my world. If I believed in heaven I would like to think that my dad and brother sent her to me just wrapped up perfectly. I don't believe in heaven or hell but I still like to have those thoughts from time to time.

I still sometimes think of the baby we lost. Although it wasn't a "baby" yet, it could have been, it was going to eventually be a baby, and I wonder if it would've been a boy or a girl, what it's name would have been, what it would look like. I will probably always wonder about it, and forever it will be special to me no matter what.

For now I am definitely sleep deprived, crabby, feeling very unsexy indeed and basically acting milk machine 24/7 for a newborn baby.  I wouldn't want it any other way and therein lies the grace, I suppose, of motherhood.

Strangers and how super cool they sometimes are.

A customer at work told me today that I have a great sing-songy voice. I told him thank you because that was a great compliment to me because I love to sing and I love music and my husband sings a choir. He said that is fantastic. For some reason we developed a very quick repertoire with each other. He kept using the military alphabet & that was cool too, I told him so. I told him it is a very useful thing to know and I was trying to practice my own military letters. He said, "Do you know them all from alpha to zed?" I said, "I think so, I can tell you if you really aren't sure." And he laughed and told me he didn't need to quiz me! It was funny, we laughed together.

He also poked a little bit of fun at me for not knowing where a Washington town is, since I live here and all, but I told him I'm not native to the area and so I didn't know where a lot of places are.


At the end of our phone call I had to call him back, he needed to double check something about where the package was getting shipped to.  When I called him back later, he told me that he really liked my voice, and it seemed that I would be someone he would be friends with in real life. I told him thank you and he would probably be my friend in real life too.

After this conversation and finishing his order and shipping info, he told me it's been great talking to me on the phone. I said thanks to him and he made my day a lot better so I was glad there were great customers such as him. He said, "Well have a nice life. I mean, night, I mean, both! Have a nice life AND a nice night." I said, "You have a really nice life and night too."  It was so awesome!!

It's times like this that really make me think about my life, and how ... I don't know..... important and touching we can make each moment if we want to.
All it takes is a few kind words & a few extra moments with people, random strangers, and it's just not that hard.

It reminded me of Burning Man, and how everyone there just LOVES. (Or at least LIKES a lot) I want to bring this back to my life. I want this to happen more often. I am thankful to this man, some random stranger, who taught me today that it's OK sometimes to just let a guard down (within good parameters) and talk to someone.  Thank you, man, thank you. (I know his name, but only from our phone call, and I will not share it because I could definitely lose my job!!!!)

To finish, I'm pretty sure he wasn't flirting (well, maybe a little) because he was married, he was buying jewelry for his lady friend. Wife, girlfriend, etc. So, whatever, if it was flirting, then so be it, but I'm pretty sure it was definitely a genuine connection between strangers and it made me really happy. Dang.

New Pregnancy

I was just reading through my blog and HOLY EMOTIONS!

Funnily enough, I think a few days after I wrote the last blog I found out I am pregnant again!
This is great news.
At first I didn't QUITE believe it- the two home tests said positive but I wasn't ready to be excited yet about it.  I was still kind of like, "Well I hope this one sticks." As I told people and they were happy for me I felt weird not being able to return their happiness. I WANTED to, I was just afraid that if I let myself feel that it's real and actually happening that I'd miscarry again. (I know it's not logical, and I'm not logical basically EVER, so that thought shouldn't surprise any one I know.)

After a few weeks, I told everyone I knew. I turned 36 and had my first check up on my birthday May 1st. I was indeed, pregnant, just like the tests said.  I felt excited and scared and super apprehensive. Plus I had to pee all the time already! Annoying!

The weeks have gone by and I was puking, every day at least coughing like I MIGHT throw up at any second and actually puking about twice a week. I had no appetite for about a month and that was an odd feeling- food just did not appeal to me whatsoever. Every day I woke up feeling like crap I felt OK about it because I knew it's just my body making a baby. I still wasn't sure if it was real, but was allowing myself some happiness about the situation.
Every morning I woke up and wasn't bleeding I felt happier.

On Monday, June 23rd, my husband & I went in for our second doctor's appointment. Luckily for me since I was so recently pregnant, I didn't have to do the crazy "let's draw 50 zillion vials of your blood" test. My doc had already done those tests so I didn't have to do them again! YESSSSS! I'm now 12 weeks pregnant, and at the end of my appointment my doc told me she's going to wait until next time to try to hear the heartbeat. I asked if we could please at least TRY. My husband chimed in and told me he thinks that the doc doesn't want me to be scared or disappointed if we couldn't find a heartbeat.  I told him and the doc that I understand but I wanted to try anyway. So she did and it took about 5 seconds for a strong heartbeat to come through. At 155 beats a minute, everything sounded normal.  It was super exciting and my husband's first time hearing such a thing. I thought his smile would surely crack through the windows and break them all open, it was so cute.

Now I'm beginning to feel happy and OK about being pregnant. My appetite is back, I don't feel super pukey all the time, and there's a heartbeat for now. One of my friends recently told me, "Everything's fine until it's not." That has become my mantra. There is nothing I can do one way or another to control if this baby sticks. I HOPE it does. I won't do drugs, or drink excessive alcohol, or smoke, or drive like a crazy person, etc. But other than that, it's not in my hands. I don't believe in God so I'm not going to say it's in God's hands either. It just IS. It's here, it's happening, it's my life.

On Tuesday we have an ultrasound to check for down syndrome - that will be another exciting step and I'm sure I'll update then.

Follow up to miscarriage.

The miscarriage from previous blog update- it stopped. Eventually. I bled for 3 weeks. It was awful. It was emotionally draining. It was fucked up, it was probably one of the most fucked up things I've ever had to deal with. Gah. Thank goodness for friends & family & the internet friends I have to help me get through that time of my life.

It took another month after I was done bleeding to finally feel not pregnant. It was crazy. It STILL affects me mentally because, of course, I notice OTHER pregnancies more. A bunch of my friends are pregnant. I'm jealous. I think, "Damn. I'd almost be __ pregnant. I'd know the gender by now." I also think, "I wonder what I'd look like, how much weight I'd gain. I hate being pregnant." Which is the truth- I am not a super happy glowy pregnant woman. I am a bitchy, sick, pukey, fat, whale pregnant woman. That part of me is glad to not be pregnant right now.

People tell me, "Well you can try again." And yes I KNOW we can try again, and we are actively trying again. (Having unprotected sex means there's a possibility to make babies everyone!! It's SCIENCE!) It hasn't been long (two months) and we're not yet pregnant. I know this is unrealistic but in keeping with my typical self, I feel like giving up. I'm old. (35 years old almost 36) I didn't really WANT to be an "old mom". But I won't give up, because DAMN I want another baby.

All I can do is hope it will work out better this time.  In the meantime, I try to not be too jealous of my friends even though inside I'm screaming! I know myself, and jealousy has always been something I have a fairly difficult time dealing with. I'm learning. I'm getting better with time.

Please don't think that I don't love my two already existing kids any less. They've nothing to do with this. OBVIOUSLY I love them so fucking much. I'd take a bullet and a knife to the heart for my kids. (who wouldn't do the same for their own kids???!!!)
Just because I already have two kids doesn't mean I'm not allowed to want another one. I'm over people who try to make feel guilty about that shit. Especially in my situation- my kids don't live full time with me. (A choice I made long long ago in another lifetime.) So yeah, I'd love to have a kid live with me & my spouse and have it work it like I'd love it to.  Maybe someday my own kids will live with me, who knows the future, but for now they don't, so fuck it. I'd love for my spouse to have a child of his own, and so would he. Why not?

My best friend has a baby. He is almost two months old. I love him so fiercely, like he is my own. She knows this and I hope it makes her happy and not weirded out. This is another thing that's so typical to me - of COURSE I would love that baby this much. His mom is my BEST FRIEND here. Duh. It's not creepy because I don't make it creepy. It makes me happy to have her in my life- and it makes me happy to be able to help her when she needs it, even just to have a short conversation about our rants over coffee- we both need them. I'm thankful. Plus she lets me hold her baby and that's obviously emotionally healing.

So there's an update. Done and done.

Miscarriage

Dec. 2013-- I found out I was pregnant with my third child! I'm SOOOO excited! I tell everyone I know. Before telling everyone I think, "If I have a miscarriage, I am going to have to tell everyone again. Oh well, I'll just deal with that later!"

Dec. 2013-- I feel sick all month long, which is apparently my body doing what it's supposed to do- I'm pregnant, so of course I feel sick, this is par for the course.

9 weeks pregnant---Jan. 2, 2014--Thursday----That night I begin spotting. Not too much blood, a tiny bit of blood clotting, but enough for me to worry. I don't have any pain, and the spotting stops within the hour. I don't examine the clots, because that's gross, but I did look at them for a bit, and some of them may have been baby sized. In fact, one clot is VERY baby sized, and I am 90% sure I can make out a tiny baby shape with nubs for body parts and all.... I can only think one thing: I lost the baby.

Jan. 3, 2014--- I call my doctor's office & explain the situation and my worries. The person on the other line tells me it's probably nothing to worry about because I didn't have any cramping and my spotting has stopped. My next pregnancy check up is on Jan 6th, wherein my husband & I are supposed to hear the heartbeat. The person at the doctor's office suggests I just wait until then to see what happens.  Although I'm worried, and can't shake the feeling, I don't really have much else to do.

10 weeks pregnant---Jan 6th, 2014-- Monday--- I haven't slept much all weekend, 'cause I'm SUPER stressed out. What is going on with my body? Still no spotting & cramping, so somewhat hopeful. I'm looking forward to my doctor appointment to find out any news. 8:30 a.m. my phone rings. It's the nurse, she has to reschedule my appointment as my doctor is delivering other babies and unavailable. I begin BAWLING on the phone and explain my situation to the nurse. She is shocked that someone told me to wait this long to just "wait and see." She says she'll call me back.

----- 20 minutes later----- My doctor herself calls me. She sets me up with an ultrasound at the local hospital to hopefully see the heartbeat. I feel relief.

1:40 pm: Abdominal ultrasound -- They can only find the gestational sac, no heartbeat. I am not surprised or shocked by this news.  It is really weird seeing the picture of my uterus with no baby inside- just an empty sac where a tiny baby should be.
Vaginal Ultrasound-- Same results. An empty sac, no heartbeat or signs of life.

2:10 pm: I leave the hospital feeling sad and unhopeful. I am cracking jokes to deal with the sadness I feel enveloping me.

5:30 pm: Speak to doctor again. She says I need to come in for another test. They will test my blood to see if I am indeed 10 weeks along. There is a small chance that I am only 5-6 weeks and maybe the baby just isn't visible yet.  She apologizes for the emotional roller coaster I am on. I go along with this test, although I KNOW I am 10 weeks pregnant, my periods are like clockwork.  I know it's already over, but what else can I do? I go along with the blood test.

That night I go with two of my best friends to dinner & ice cream. This helps my spirits lift a bit.

Jan. 7th, 2014--- Tuesday--- I go into the doctor's office to take a blood test. Then it's a waiting game.
I wait & wait & wait some more. A few hours later, the doc calls back. Indeed, my blood levels are at the level of a 10 week pregnancy.  She apologizes again, and says her best guess is that the baby just stopped growing.
Of course on my own time I have researched miscarriages- what she says is true. Some chromosomes don't meld, and the baby quits growing and dies. There's no reason, no anything that makes it happen or not happen. There's nothing I could have done differently.

The doctor gives me three choices at this point.
Option1:
 I can schedule a D&C :
(Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C) refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage).)   --- from Wikipedia.org

She advises against this option, because  it requires anesthesia, and it seems a bit "too much", like not necessary for how far along I am. (or was)

Option 2:
I can wait for my body to kick itself out of pregnancy mode & wait for my period to start naturally at which point I will pass all of the excess tissue out.  This could happen at any time, and there's no telling when.

Option 3:
She can prescribe me some pills which are hormonal and force my period to start immediately.

I immediately opt for the third choice. I just want it to be done. My body still FEELS pregnant. It's been 5 days at this point since I haven't been pregnant, and I'm emotionally ready for it to be done. Just finished with it right now.

Doctor says I can think about it and call her back the next day, although I already know what I want to do.

January 8th, 2014, Wednesday
I decide 100% to take the pills. The doc calls in the prescription. My husband decides to take the next day off of work to help be there for me emotionally and physically if I need it.
This night I take the first round of pills. I have to take them vaginally, and they just dissolve.  My period starts within an hour. No big deal. It's not like I haven't had a period approximately 6,917 times before. (yes, I calculated this number!). I think I can handle this.

January 9th, 2014, Thursday
The next night I take the second dose & last dose of pills.  Period keeps going. I have light cramping, and a little blood, but it seems like no big deal. 

January 10th, 2014, Friday through Jan 12th, 2014, Sunday
I am still bleeding lightly, but it's not seeming too bad.  I feel like if ALL my periods can be this easy I would be happy. Not crampy too bad, just fine. Totally do-able. I should have knocked on wood because holy hell, the worse is upon me yet.

January 13th, 2014, Monday
I begin cramping that night. A lot. This feels like all of the cramping of labor but knowing that there will be no reward at the end. Now I'm emotional AND physically uncomfortable. Stupid thoughts enter my mind: What if that was the only egg that will EVER be viable forever? What if I can't get pregnant after this? What if I have another miscarriage, will I be able to deal with this? God damn, this hurts like hell.   Some friends come out & tell me they've gone through it too. Good to know I'm not alone.
This night I go out & have my first glass of wine & a cider with some friends in Seattle. This helps. I missed alcohol, and I really need something to blur the edges of my life right now. The perfect solution. Thank goodness for friends.

Jan. 14th, 2014, Tuesday.
I wake up at 5:00 am and am bleeding through my pad into my underwear. Gross. I know it's not that much blood logically, but it sure looks and feels like so much blood. It feels like someone is wringing out my stomach like a washrag. I bleed through 4 pads in one hour. WTF! I feel like puking. Luckily I have a prescription for some anti-nausea meds which I immediately take & they help.  I am awake until 7:30 am just feeling myself bleed, it's disgusting to say the least.  Finally I fall back asleep. I sleep until noon. 
I call my sister because it's her birthday. It's great to talk to her. She gives me really good advice and a good listening ear about miscarriages. She's gone through this before. Approximately 1/3 of women who get pregnant have a miscarriage. But NO ONE talks about it. Why? This is a LOT of people. WTF guys???!!! Anyway. It's great talking to her. I love her.
 

Jan. 15th, 2014, Wednesday
Oh my god. The globs that are leaving my body are unbelievable. What kind of stuff is up there anyway?? Gross. So much blood. So many goopy clots, and they are BIG. Every single one that passes through me I think, "Was that the baby? Was that the empty sac? Was THAT one the baby?" I am an emotional wreck and holy hell my body is in SO MUCH pain right now.   I text some friends of mine, and send them pictures because I don't think I can believe the stuff that is leaving my body. It's emotionally overwhelming & I can't carry the weight alone anymore. Gross. Yay friends.
MORE friends come out of the woodwork and tell me they too have had miscarriages or know someone who has. This helps knowing I'm not alone in this wreck of a time.  Thank goodness for friends AGAIN.

I call in sick to work. I feel guilty. They understand, and I'm lucky to have this job right now, however temporary it is.

I am in so much pain. My husband convinces me to take one of the pain pills, after all , it's their job to help me. I'm stubborn, because I don't usually like the way pain pills make me feel. But I give in and take one, and the pain stops, of course. I feel as fine as possible, I was just being ridiculous.

Jan. 16th, 2014, Thursday
Still bleeding a lot, so many cramps. This hurts so badly. I call in sick today again.  My husband ends up working from home again. In the middle of the day we hear a knock on the door. It's a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a card that says, "With deepest sympathy" to Erika & Lee. It's from our work place. It makes me cry, and even makes Lee's eyes tear up.


Jan. 17th, 2014, Friday
The heavy bleeding has stopped, but the cramps, the HORRIBLE cramps are there. All I can do is sleep and that's when the pain goes away. When I wake up the cramps are back, and I don't know what to do. I take pain pills, and they help. Thank goodness for those prescriptions as well.
I email in again to work and they are more than understanding.

At this point, I just hope that I'm on the upside of the nonsense. The huge globs have gone away, but every time I use the bathroom more tissue comes out. I am still mind blown at how long I can bleed and how awful my body feels. I want this to be over. I'm so done, I feel like an emotional & physical mess. 

I am thankful for my friends. ALL of them. Far & near, close & not close, I couldn't have gotten through this without their support. I am thankful for my understanding workplace. I am thankful for my husband & my family.

I'll update more once some more time goes by.

Here's my story. Thanks for reading.

Dreams

Last night I had weird dreams. I have often been a lucid dreamer.(To learn about that click here.....LUCID DREAMS)  My whole life I have been a vivid dreamer, a lucid dreamer, a haver of nightmares (especially during day naps, which defeats the whole purpose of the name NIGHTMARES).  I was in the habit a few years ago of writing down my dreams, especially after my dad died in 2008. I got out of the habit because I got lazy.  I have always been INTERESTED in dreams, and why the brain works the way it does. This interest only got enhanced over time with the use of hallucinogens and other drugs. Why does the brain do what it does? I STILL don't know, and I'm not interested enough into reading "scientific" articles about it, so I just go with how I feel, and I find it cool that people dream, that I am a lucid dreamer. I don't try to figure out what my dreams mean, I have found I can never tell, and I have also found that I don't really CARE what they are trying to tell me unless it is specific. So.... yes.... last night I had weird dreams. I wrote the dreams down as soon as I woke up. Here they are, and this is order I wrote them down, although not the specific order I dreamed them in. As I was writing, I kept remembering more of the dream, so it is disjointed, as I believe it should remain.

My brother Brian, sister Melody, and my dad and I were all in a truck where we could sit in the front seat. We were driving through a snowy area, and dad kept sliding off of the road.  Dad was driving. When we told him to watch where he was going he said, "I am watching," in his gruff tone.

My mom, me, Lee, Brian, and Melody had to walk up a spiral staircase outdoors- it was kindof similar to that of a parking garage but a staircase. It was about 10 stories tall but seemed to never end from the bottom floor.

On one platform of the staircase was a murdered woman, just lying there (or is it laying there?!) on the cement, fully clothed, laying on her back in one of those weird "chalk outline" positions. She was half melted into the ground and people just walking by her like it was no big deal. (Myself included) At one point, my brother & I decided to go check to just make sure she was dead, and there was a sign by her that said, "One moving finger means she's alive." We didn't see any moving fingers.

I really wanted to hear the songs "chickens" by Junip while we were walking up the stairs. I didn't know how to find it, so I got out my laptop, emailed Robbie (my friend) and he immediately emailed me back the link to the song so we could all listen to it on the way up. Robbie at this moment was apparently on the first floor of the stairs, just beginning the walk up.

After dad was done driving in the snow, I decided to drive instead and kept crashing over every guard rail but we all survived the crashes. All the guard rails were pink and glittery.

I was at a place very similar to a dormitory, where I was making out with a long lost childhood friend. We were adults in the dream. There was another man and woman, who were also having sex in the same room as us.  Then it turned into a foursome, but the guy I was making out with got mad, and said, "Erika?" but I didn't care because it was fun being the foursome.  The scenery quickly turned into a Burning Man background instead of a dorm.

Women were stealing the glasses off of my face while we were walking up the stairs. I was mad at them, and I stole them back. One woman said to me, "These are mine." I said to her, "bullshit! Those are MY pink glasses with green on them. I can't see with out them bitch." She said, "I hope your mom is proud of you for being so rude." Then mom popped into the dream here and said, "God damn right I am proud of her for sticking up for herself." I got my glasses back and we carried on our way.

My brothers, at this point Doug was in the dream, and I had to pass the broken car parts up the stairs, but we passed them from floor to floor by tossing them straight up the stair case, even though the stair case was round it worked.  We also had to pass our dinner, which was salad in a cooking pan up the stairs. That worked too.

The black cat which was mine, but named Pixel, kept getting out because mother fuckers wouldn't shut the door. Lee ran after it at least 4 times and got it back inside. We had to carry it up the stairs with us.

I was making with someone (I will call him M) but I wanted to have sex with my fiance so we tried that instead. (M understood) My fiance came into his hand while getting his clothes off instead. This made me really disappointed, and HIM disappointed, so we decided it was OK for me to have sex with the other guy I know who was there. (M)

At the top of the stairs Brian, Melody, mom, and my two kids were there and we still had a long way to trek before reaching the top.


THE END.

This is my dream.... and although it didn't happen specifically in that order, I wrote it down this way when I woke up. I usually do NOT have this much detail in dreams, so I guess that's why I wrote it down. Weird.

Christmas Thoughts

On my phone I get this free app called "Inspire Me" I read it daily. Sometimes it is cool, sometimes it is not cool. I found this one from last December that I emailed to myself, and it makes sense for this time of year...............

Today's Quotation:
At Christmastime, children play an essential part in our celebrations.  So much of what we do is intended to please them--and all the while our hearts keep hearkening back to the Christmas memories of our own childhoods.  On Christmas Eve, sometimes we can't help but envy our children the stars in their eyes, especially when our own eyes are dull with exhaustion.     Christmas is so much simpler for a child.  Can we open our tired, adult eyes to that same simplicity? Ellen Sanna

Today's Meditation:
Almost everyone that I know complicates Christmas a great deal.  They buy too many gifts, or worse, they feel obligated to buy too many gifts because of what they perceive as other people's expectations and potential disappointment.  They dread the family get-togethers and don't want to go to them, but they rarely say no.  They spend more money than they have and then suffer for that for months afterwards.  It's quite sad that we don't allow ourselves simply to sit back and enjoy the Christmas season. A lot of the stress that we feel during the season is based on expectations, especially those of the children that we don't want to disappoint.  Many kids have developed grandiose expectations of gifts to be gotten, and they know how to put the pressure on their parents if they feel that there's the slightest possibility of getting what they want.  But trying to meet other people's expectations is rarely a recipe for happiness.  Christmas should be a great opportunity for us to show people who we are in our generosity, not a chance to show them that they can manipulate us with their expectations. Simplifying Christmas is very important if we ever want to feel the true joy of the holiday.  Christmas is about peace and the joy we can share with others, and there are plenty of ways that we can share those things without getting caught up in the decorating contests and the buying frenzies and the manipulations.  In our family, we realized early on that Christmas should be simple, and the simpler we keep it, the more we're able to give during the rest of the year, also. Remember, pleasing children isn't a question of giving in to all their whims and wants.  Pleasing them also has to do with teaching them the true importance of holidays such as Christmas, about the reverence and the peace and the joy we're meant to share.  They can help us to realize this joy if we can just learn about the wonder and the magic from them, and combine that knowledge with our own knowledge of the significance of the more important aspects of the holiday season.

Questions to consider:
Do you find Christmas to be a stressful time or a peaceful, reverent time? Why? What kinds of things can we learn from children during the holidays? Why does simpler tend to be better in almost everything?
 


For further thought:
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. Calvin Coolidge

Vices

I'm in a complaining mood so this is going to be a complaining post.

I miss my drinking days.
I don't miss getting drunk, but I miss going to the bar. I've been going with friends lately, like once a week, out to a nearby cider/beer bar, and that has truly been helping. It may seem like something weird to miss, but whatever, I like it. I like socializing outside of my house sometimes.

I hate HATE HATE looking for a job. Oh my god, it is the most awful bullshit ever. I have applied for a few and gotten denied for 2 since I got laid off in late March. One job I got denied b/cause I don't want to show up for work at 6 a.m. Don't tell me I'm being picky, I don't give a shit if I am... 6 a.m. is not a happy time for miss Erika. Period. The other one I was apparently overqualified for (cafeteria worker in hospital)... WTF! It's tough out there, boys & girls. Tough.

I am feeling super freaking fat lately. I don't weigh any more than normal, but my pants don't fit and I'm angry about this fact. They just fit fine last week. WTF is going on? This angers me. It angers me to the point that I am determined to lose this god damn fat stomach. I look pregnant, and I am NOT pregnant (unfortunately for me)..... I look sick to myself and I am not happy about it, so I must start exercising now. Luckily, my b.f. and I made a pact to walk every weekend somewhere together. Also, I think I have myself reached the point of unhappiness with my body that I am determined to start walking every day. I might not lose this weight quickly, but I am going to lose it, and that's all that matters. My b.f. suggested I put away the scale for one month starting the day I start exercising daily, and then see how much I lose in one month. I don't know if I can do it... I'm worried about GAINING weight, so that's why I weigh myself just to make sure I'm staying the same-ish.

I really want to have another kid. Like yesterday. There is no point in bringing this up to my b.friend because we've had endless talks about it. (YES I realize I would get fatter if I was pregnant- NOT THE POINT!!!!) He wants a kid, yes, but "not until we're ready"... There is no use trying to explain there will NEVER be a time when we are "ready". I'm frustrated and it sucks and I try to not to talk about it or bring it up, but it has really been bothering me lately. Ugh. I don't even know what to do anymore, I'm just upset.


The only non complaining thing I have to say in this post is that I'm really happy my 2 kids are moving only 3 hours away from me rather than the 8 hours away they live now. STOKED!

Slacking Off on Blog Posts Again

To those who read/follow.... yeah I haven't posted anything in over half of a year. My mistake. I guess I have nothing new to report usually so it's all good.

Let's see, I got a job over the "Holidays" which lasted until March, doing customer servicey things and that was really great. I made some money and more importantly met some really cool people there. Now I am unemployed (again- story of my WA life it seems) and super bored and super broke. It sucks being unemployed. It sucks looking for jobs. It all around SUCKS. Every part of it sucks... UNLESS I had a baby or my kids lived here for me to take care of, otherwise it's pretty much lame and does NO GOOD for self esteem, for hanging out, or for anything else really.

My b.f. and I are doing good. Still fighting once in a while, but mostly getting along the majority of the time. I've made some hella good friends, and I've been trying to be more proactive in my friendships with wanting to get out of the house and stuff.

No news is good news for now.

Giving Thanks

In the spirit of November, when everyone chooses to give "thanks" for the Americans raping the Indians and stealing their stuff, I will write this blog.

I am NOT thankful for the way Thanksgiving has been mistold over my lifetime.
However, I AM thankful for a few things lately, and I will list them in this post in no particular order.
- I am thankful for the band Florence & The Machine. I can't listen to them enough.
- I am thankful for my glasses for without them I could see NOTHING.
- I am thankful for the game Rock Band. It has gotten me through many many boring days.
- I am thankful for facebook. It has also gotten me through many boring days.
- I am thankful for the internet in general, which helps me post this blog, and use facebook, and listen to good music, and read cool news.
- I am thankful for cable television because I like to watch TV. (OMG! Don't judge me.)
- I give thanks to feeling like "home" in this house I live in with my boyfriend and my Pixel cat.
- I thank the gods of caffeine and sugar.
- I thank the goddesses of good girl friends- all the ones I know in Everett & Seattle & beyond. Thank you for making this place feel like home to me.
- I thank the goddesses for good boy friends- my own boyfriend who takes such amazing care of me. Who supports me emotionally and financially and every other "ly" word I can think of. I'm so blessed and lucky to get to spend my life with him. Also glad I have really really amazing boy "friends" around these parts.
- I am thankful for my happy pills which keep my brain straight from day to day. I remember how crazy I once was, and I'm so glad I made the choice to take these pills. I make the choice EVERY DAY to take these pills.
- I am thankful for my long distance girl crush (you know who you are, L). I wish your state was closer to mine. I am thankful that we got to reconnect after so many years.
- I am glad for quesadillas. MMMMM.
- I am glad for my loving family. My parents, my siblings, my kids, my extended family- cousins & nieces & nephews, etc.
- I am thankful for alcohol.
- I am thankful for my Burning Man family. All of them have made me into who I am today.
- There are many more things I can think of, but I'm sick of posting, so let's call this good for now.
-

Sept/Oct

I don't have a job anymore. Back in August was the end of that. And I'm OK with it because that job and its politics were totally lame.
BUT... I could use a job in a BAD way. It's honestly boring without one. I do enjoy cleaning the house and doing "housewifey" things, but I don't have my kids here to take care of so the actions get old fairly quickly. I've been looking for jobs but the economy sucks (SURPRISE) and even fast food places aren't hiring these days. It is difficult. Hopefully something comes along soon.

My b.f. and I had a really great weekend together. Finally we had time to spend together after a few weeks of travel and being apart. We went to San Francisco in the end of September and saw a bunch of friends. It was really REALLY fun. I got to reconnect with old friends and bond with the newer ones. My b.f. and I made a love match by accident with two of our mutual friends and that is fun indeed! After that trip, I went to Oregon for a week to visit my family. I went to the coast with my kids and my mom. (I also got to see one of my brothers in Portland and gave him his birthday present!- a retro sign to fit with his other art in his house. He liked it.) In Portland I also got to bond with some friends I've known forever and that was really great.
BACK to the weekend with my b.f. After all of this traveling ,we hadn't had any time to just be together alone. And finally we did. We spent the weekend in our house, just relaxing together. It was exactly what we needed. Sometimes we need to remember why we are a couple, why we love each other, why I moved 450 miles to be with him in the first place. It was excellent.

Last night I got to see a local friend. I love this girl, I love hanging out with her. She's been having some problems with her significant other lately, and that's been hard to deal with it I'm sure. I have been trying to be a friend to her, and it's been so hard to see her suffering. We have to let people learn their own lessons and live their own lives, and I'm proud of her for making a good decision about her relationship--- just letting the bad parts go and moving on. It's a lesson I myself need to learn sometimes.

Magic Marker

Just for fun 'cause I have good memories of this night....This is me & a few of my girl friends in May. Photo booth fun!!

In newer news:



Monday night I went to a Thievery Corporation Concert at the Moore Theatre. It was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. Definitely one of the best bands to go see live. I highly recommend it.


They have a song in which they sing the lyrics, "LIGHT IT UP! MARIJUANA!" I had not heard this song before, and although I understood the "light it up" part I don't know why I didn't associate it with marijuana.



So I said to my b.f. who was there, "What are they saying? Black marker?" He said, "I don't know." So when it was time to sing along he yelled out "MAGIC MARKER!!!" And we told our other friend J who was there as well... we all got a great laugh out of the whole thing. After the concert we walked to a local bar a few blocks away. On the way there, we were STILL reeling in the amazing concert we'd just seen and laughing and having fun, y'know, the usual. We met up with another friend, M and told him about our magic marker plight. He said, "Oh hell yeah. I heard they're gonna make a remix of that song and call it The Sharpie Remix." Of course we just ALL busted up laughing and now I know it will forever be one of our inside jokes. You all can tell the story too but make sure you think of us while you do so!

Burning Man - Missing it- Finding my own Home

Lately it's been ... awesome.

I missed Burning Man this year for the first time in 5 years. It affected me in a way I never thought it would. I was heartbroken for a week. I thought about it constantly. I knew it was coming- I made the decision last year at the end of Burning Man to not go this year. And I thought it would be just fine, I thought I wouldn't miss it. Well, I was wrong. Of course it was fine, obviously, but I was sad all week. Consumed with thoughts of my friends in the desert and what I was missing. I tried to console myself with friends who had also missed the burn, hot showers and real food and my own bed, but none of it helped all that much.

Luckily for me, I have amazing friends. On Saturday night, which would have been the night of the man burning, I went to a girls night with my friends. We got SLOSHED drunk and sat around a bonfire and hugged and kissed and loved each other. It was just what I needed that exact moment in time and I realized that the spirit of Burning Man is what I missed the most... The feeling of community, of loving, of freedom. Yes I missed the art, and my friends there, but I did NOT miss the hot, or the dust, or the dust storms.

I'm thankful for my friends. They have helped me in so many ways they don't even know I'm sure. Lately I've been making NEW friends and I like that too. I love adding good people to my friend circle.

So I lived through a week without Burning Man- the first week in 5 consecutive years. I did it, and it was OK. Instead, I found a semblance of home here where I live in reality. In Washington, not in Oregon, not in the Nevada desert. I look back and can't believe it has been almost two whole years since I've been with my boyfriend, two whole years since I've lived here. Two amazing happy years is nothing, I'm hoping for at least 100 more.

Quick Update

I have not written anything in quite some time. Here's what's going on lately in case any of y'all care or are just curious. I got a job which started in the beginning of June. Training for this job is freakin' stupid as stupid can be and I basically can't stand it. I am trying to be thankful to be getting a paycheck, and just hoping that it will change, but who knows how long it will last. I'm hoping that after training is done (in about two weeks) the "real job" won't suck as bad as training does. Sitting around with about 3 hours of down time during an 8 hour day staring at a wall is just laaaaaaaame. Our instructor doesn't know how to instruct, and doesn't tell us what to do in this down time, so we just end up twiddling our thumbs and such. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of my time, but... what can ya do? Times are tough, so it sucks but I have to just deal with the b.s. that comes along with it. FOR NOW!

My kids are here with us visiting for a few more weeks. It's been awesome having them here. (Besides being pissed off that I can't see them as much I want to 'cause I'm always working.) I have a great friend who is babysitting them while I work and for that I am very VERY thankful. I don't know what I'd do without her help- seriously.

I haven't been hanging out with my friends very much, but don't worry- I still love you guys. It's just that when my kids are here, I'm devoted to them a lot because I don't see them very much during the year, and they are the bomb!!!! Obviously my priority lies in being with family.

Boyfriend & I are doing OK- he's being awesome and totally helpful and supportive and great through having the kids here. He's been a great listener to my complaints about stupid jobs and such.

There's the update. DONE!

Pet Love

We recently got a cat. This is an endeavor I have never before been on as an adult.
He is a Blue Russian, approximately 7 months old now, and we named him Pixel. He is the perfect shiny beautiful most amazing kitty I have ever seen.


I had cats and small -ish dogs when I was a little kid, but I'd never as an adult had a pet. Probably because I was too busy having babies in my 20s. Hee hee.) I'd always LIKED cats, in fact I loved them. I'd always THOUGHT of getting a cat, but never could find the time or money to do so. I knew my b.f. liked cats also. There was no reason to NOT get a cat. NOW was the time.

So we did it. We got him from a cat rescue place, and they gave him to us for free- fixed, shots, and all! The woman who worked there was just so happy that he was going to people who would love him. And love him we do.



Some of my friends talk about their pets like they are their children. They were/are so in love with them. I never understood. I would just laugh and kind of wonder what they were talking about. BUT THEN- I turned into one of those people. It took me all of TWO DAYS to become a cat lover.

I love my cat sooooo much. He has kept me company the last few months when I've been unemployed. He sits on the couch and sleeps all day and at night he sleeps curled up next to my legs and even though I can't roll over without knocking the cat down, I love him. He wears a little blue collar with a small bell on it so wherever he goes we can hear the "jingle jingle" of him running around.

At night he likes to be hyper ('cause apparently that's how cats & babies roll) and he meows at us if we don't play with his favorite pink toy. I love to bury my face in his silky silver fur and just inhale his smell. He is the silkiest most pretty thing I have EVER SEEN. He loves to cuddle and jump on laps, and he especially loves my kids.



Pixel is definitely my best animal friend. He listens to my problems, lets me cry on his shoulder, isn't too demanding, runs around like a wild animal, and reminds me that life is good with a pet. I love having a cat.